Ruminations

Apr 09, 2008 12:46

I’ve been thinking a bit about how our perceptions shape our lives of late, and questioning just how to shape my own thoughts in accordance with my wish for a greater sense of self-discipline. While keeping to a set schedule or regimen might come easily to many, it has never proven so for me; and so I continue to question my own ability to keep myself in line.

Today seems particularly difficult for me, as things are perpetually assaulting me from every direction. One of my historical difficulties has been adapting to an environment in which things are flying at me from every direction; though this job has been an immense help for me in that respect, I simply can’t seem to get away from a myriad of random events that coalesce around me in some way, shape or form, even if said events really have nothing to do with me at all.

I’ve also had difficulty acting on my own initiative in the past. In this respect at least, I feel I have largely overcome the obstacle it once presented. I now have something of a reputation as the person to come to for computer assistance around the office; and not only that, but if I should make a mistake, instead of losing my mind over it, I simply act to correct it, with or without the advice of others as necessary. I’ve come to understand that I’m not the only one who’s ever messed something up - and what’s more, I’ve also come to realize the value of assistance when in a situation I’ve not previously confronted (something that did happen to me recently; everything worked out fine).

I think my perceived lack of discipline stems from my disorder and the attendant inability to handle extended stress.. For the entirety of my life I have distanced myself from others in many ways, save for those people I care about most (you know who you are; and you’re not only the people I’ve known for scads of years, either, though my long friendships are certainly included!). In doing so I have turned inward to the point of being nearly a recluse; I’ve even been known to “disappear” for short periods when under extreme stress, and in so doing, if I find myself in need of entertaining company or keeping to a social schedule of some kind, I grow irritable and create a wall between myself and my environment. It’s not a wall to the degree that people are entirely shut out, but it’s more something that I perceive to be present, and those around me who are more sensitive are attuned to its presence as well. When I do this, particularly over a period of time, I lose touch with what surrounds me in general; and in doing that, I create a trap for myself that leads me to become unstable at times.

What has all this to do with lack of discipline? Well - I’ve been in MA for a while now, and for the majority of that time, I have been dealing with some type of stress or another that leaves me chronically feeling overtired and simply used up. If you asked me to think of a time I was totally relaxed off the top of my head, I couldn’t do it if you paid me. It’s not that they don’t exist -- they do, I’m sure - but even as write, I’m attempting to contradict my own assertion by coming up with just one, and I can’t. I just can’t.

I think the solution to my problem lies in the direction of just managing, finally, to really relax. Even when Earth Hour rolled around this year, and I had the apartment awash in candlelight and was happier for it (it really does hurt my eyes far less than electric light against the dark), I can’t say I was sufficiently removed from the stresses of my every single day to experience a sense of true well-being. I was calmer, I’ll admit, and I was able to experience that for quite a while. Nevertheless, as I’ve been financially unstable since coming up here and have always had something to worry about, I sometimes wonder if I should just get my most essential things together, leave for parts unknown, and just start over.

I’m not going to do that, of course; I’m anticipating my imminent return to NC, and that helps. It helps me to know that I will no longer have to experience the sensation of a slow poison creeping beneath my feet and through my brain everywhere I go; it helps to know that I’ll be able to visit my tree again, to do Circle with friends who love me. It helps to know that I will have a renewed sense of the Mother in my soul when I leave the city; and most of all, it helps to know that, finally, I will truly feel I have returned to the home I most know and love.

I guess I’ve really written enough for now; I apologize if it seems I’ve rambled a bit. I suppose I can’t help it today. Who knows? I may find this actually helps a little.

Blessings to all…

musings, essays, tuberous sclerosis

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