changes
There are so many changes going on lately and many big ones to come. Change is always hard because it's something we as people have no control over. It's sad and exciting which makes it all so confusing. I was driving by good old Saint Joes today and I saw all the teachers I used to have outside with the kids having a picnic. The kids seemed so small yet it feels like only yesterday when I was them. I was much more innocent then. The very innocent polite girl my teachers liked and I was very good at school. Somewhere along the lines of high school that changed. When did I change so much? When did I lose the good inside of me. How did I let it go and I'm all of sudden just now noticing? I know I need to try and change myself though. I need to change a lot of things about myself. I need to change my inabiliy to show my emotions and let go of my fears. I have been living with out the most natural highs of life and I need to stop that.
Wow I started this entry on Friday afternoon and I'm now finishing it on Sunday. Weird.But what i have to say is somewhat along the same lines. I keep making these mistakes and things get worse and worse btu i can't figure out why I can't just stop. I'm so happy right now so why must i fuck eveything up? I'm a destructive person and I it's like I can't change.I'm such a screw up....I got in trouble with my dad last night for you know what and he took my car and cell phone away. It was the first night he was lettng me out from being grounded before and I just fucking fucked up again. I dissapointed him so much and I have no reasons to why I did it. I mean I believe what I did wasn't that bad but he does so what can I do? I know...like I said ...maybe I just need to change and I want to right now but of course it's at the most exciting part. There so much going on with graduaton and stuff and I'm prolly gonna miss out on a lot from being grounded. There is nothing I can do about it now though so I can't let it bother me. Just so you know... thoughts of you makes everything ok. Being with you makes me happy and I feel good around you...I can't believe I'm saying soemthing like thsinright now, it's a big step for me to be so open with feelings and shit and I know I have a ways to go but this is definitly a start. lol Maybe that's why I'm not going like suicidal right now. Like come on Arsha grounded? How could I ever be okay with that I always have to go out lol.Everything is going to be alright though. I have optmisim right now.Oh and it's my 18th Birthday tomorrow! woo for me lol even though lke my family hates me right now and no one gives a shit...i feel like that's what happens everyear around my birthday...remember Kristin's last yr lol Shit went down on the same night exactly a yr later...could my life be any more ironic?
But you cant stop nothing
If you got no control
Of the thoughts in your mind
That you kept in, you know
You dont know nothing
But you dont need to know
The wisdoms in the trees
Not the glass windows
You cant stop wishing
If you dont let go
But things that you find
And you lose, and you know
You keep on rolling
Put the moment on hold
The frames too bright
So put the blinds down low
-jack
Wow I started this entry on Friday afternoon and I'm now finishing it on Sunday. Weird.But what i have to say is somewhat along the same lines. I keep making these mistakes and things get worse and worse btu i can't figure out why I can't just stop. I'm so happy right now so why must i fuck eveything up? I'm a destructive person and I it's like I can't change.I'm such a screw up....I got in trouble with my dad last night for you know what and he took my car and cell phone away. It was the first night he was lettng me out from being grounded before and I just fucking fucked up again. I dissapointed him so much and I have no reasons to why I did it. I mean I believe what I did wasn't that bad but he does so what can I do? I know...like I said ...maybe I just need to change and I want to right now but of course it's at the most exciting part. There so much going on with graduaton and stuff and I'm prolly gonna miss out on a lot from being grounded. There is nothing I can do about it now though so I can't let it bother me. Just so you know... thoughts of you makes everything ok. Being with you makes me happy and I feel good around you...I can't believe I'm saying soemthing like thsinright now, it's a big step for me to be so open with feelings and shit and I know I have a ways to go but this is definitly a start. lol Maybe that's why I'm not going like suicidal right now. Like come on Arsha grounded? How could I ever be okay with that I always have to go out lol.Everything is going to be alright though. I have optmisim right now.Oh and it's my 18th Birthday tomorrow! woo for me lol even though lke my family hates me right now and no one gives a shit...i feel like that's what happens everyear around my birthday...remember Kristin's last yr lol Shit went down on the same night exactly a yr later...could my life be any more ironic?
But you cant stop nothing
If you got no control
Of the thoughts in your mind
That you kept in, you know
You dont know nothing
But you dont need to know
The wisdoms in the trees
Not the glass windows
You cant stop wishing
If you dont let go
But things that you find
And you lose, and you know
You keep on rolling
Put the moment on hold
The frames too bright
So put the blinds down low
-jack