(no subject)
I have become so lonely. Today I lashed out at Evan just because he asked me if I was okay. I don't think I am okay anymore. While I can live and survive on my own there is a great emptiness in my heart. I want to replace all the anger and sadness inside of me with love, I want to love someone and also be loved but no one will accept me. I've always been forgotten about thrown aside and told that one day I will find someone. Well one day is too far away I'm twenty years old and a lot more mature than my age I always have been. I have seen and done things in my life that I would not wish on anyone but still not change. I have experienced all that I want to experience alone. I've always been alone. I'm getting very tired of it. I've never been a religious person but the past few weeks, if you can believe this I've dropped to my knees and actually prayed to god to make this all end. All the bitterness and the loneliness all the sorrow. I once found someone whom I could find no wrong in. Everything about her I adored, worshiped and cherished. I was nothing but a small child in awe of how someone so beautiful,sweet,intelligent.adorable and deep could ever care for me. It was like a dream...and it was a dream that soon ended. It ended with a flurry of pain confusion and an outburst of emotion that I couldn't control. I fucked it up badly all because I loved her so much that I couldn't just let her go. I was prepared to let go in the beginning but she wouldn't let me and eventually the emotions grew to the point where I couldn't control them. They took over logic and rationality and made a big mess. One that I couldn't clean up. No one else has ever cared for me like I thought she did. It however brought me to the point where I thought that no one could ever really love another. I see it everyday now though and I envy it. For 16 years of my life I was always the good boy the one who always did the right thing and never did anything wrong but I fell short of that for about two years and felt nothing at all. I was dead to the world. I found myself again at the age of 19 and I again tried to be the good boy. The one that all girls say they want. the problem is that no one wants the good boy. So, sit here all by myself wondering why I try so hard why I do the things I do. Some good and some bad. I do it because there can be no label for a person there is simple who that person is and I am happy with who I am. It doesn't seem anyone else can be though. The only thing I have in common with the good boy is that no one wants me. No one wants to care about me the just want to be cared for. No one wants the help another they just want to help themselves. I suppose this is why I'm alone and why I'll stay that way. Because no one wants to be something better they just want to be themselves and unfortunately most girls are just too shallow or apathetic to truly love. I just wish that there was one out there just one that wasn't and that wanted to care about me. Believe me I would not take it for granted. I never have. All I have till then is a syringe full of synthetic love that I'll abuse until someone decides to save me from it. I'm not going to hold my breath though.