Music-inspired musing; California; anti-social.
My iTunes playlist (which is my entire library on iTunes because I generally don't put the effort into making playlists) started playing "Hotel California." And, sitting here, spacing out in front of the computer, I was reminded of a nightmare I had ages ago. I think it was during my first winter in New Jersey. In my nightmare, I was staying with my great-grandparents somewhere in California (they never lived there, but in the dream they did). The song played over and over in the dream. We were in a very bleak room. They gave me a pair of boots and sent me out to play in the snow, which was falling in the shape and size of bricks. There was no one around except for a kid named Charlie (who was basically the same as some kid who hated me, only with a different name). And that's all. Everything was grey, white, brown and black. Dull and boring. I tried to fall asleep but the song wouldn't let me.
I wonder why people remember things. I also remember being very scared of California after I had that dream, and I really don't know why. I had been there maybe two or three times before (my dad used to go there on business trips a lot and, when I was younger, we went with him) and the entire time I was terrified, because I thought there would be an earthquake. I remember being four years old and sitting in a restaurant that had bowls with elephants at the bottom of them and hiding under the table when I heard what I thought was the rumbling of an earthquake (it was a truck passing by). I never wanted to go back to California again.
And when I went there this past April (or was it May?) I was hit by a sort of "culture shock" (for lack of a better word). I can't find the exact words because Xanga is being a putz but basically I realized how hopelessly uptight I am. I felt uncomfortable, too intense, unable to appreciate anything. In short, I felt like I didn't belong.
Now sometimes I think I made the wrong decision. I should have looked more at colleges on the West Coast. Is New England right for me? Every time I go to Boston I feel constrained, judged and like a complete outsider. When I visit I feel like I'm just one of the far too many college students in Boston. Providence is fine; I rather like the city but it's so small and I don't know if I could spend much more than four years here. Most of the time Brown is absolutely awesome... and sometimes I can see myself living in Providence for longer than just college (assuming I don't leave the country) (to bolster this, I took the findyourspot quiz and one of my top results was Providence). But it's bleak and cold, and, while I like the snow... I don't know.
I don't know. But now I'm listening to "California Dreaming."
...in other news, I've accomplished absolutely nothing today. I need to stop musing about the future and instead just focus on the present. The present is two finals. Two finals, both for which I am incredibly screwed. I woke up far too late today and should go to bed early enough to start getting back into a routine so that I will be able to take my 9 AM linguistics final Wednesday.
If I were a Sim, I would have my "social" bar in the red. To clarify, I feel very alone. I haven't really seen anyone at all lately; I've been living behind the computer.
Sigh.
I wonder why people remember things. I also remember being very scared of California after I had that dream, and I really don't know why. I had been there maybe two or three times before (my dad used to go there on business trips a lot and, when I was younger, we went with him) and the entire time I was terrified, because I thought there would be an earthquake. I remember being four years old and sitting in a restaurant that had bowls with elephants at the bottom of them and hiding under the table when I heard what I thought was the rumbling of an earthquake (it was a truck passing by). I never wanted to go back to California again.
And when I went there this past April (or was it May?) I was hit by a sort of "culture shock" (for lack of a better word). I can't find the exact words because Xanga is being a putz but basically I realized how hopelessly uptight I am. I felt uncomfortable, too intense, unable to appreciate anything. In short, I felt like I didn't belong.
Now sometimes I think I made the wrong decision. I should have looked more at colleges on the West Coast. Is New England right for me? Every time I go to Boston I feel constrained, judged and like a complete outsider. When I visit I feel like I'm just one of the far too many college students in Boston. Providence is fine; I rather like the city but it's so small and I don't know if I could spend much more than four years here. Most of the time Brown is absolutely awesome... and sometimes I can see myself living in Providence for longer than just college (assuming I don't leave the country) (to bolster this, I took the findyourspot quiz and one of my top results was Providence). But it's bleak and cold, and, while I like the snow... I don't know.
I don't know. But now I'm listening to "California Dreaming."
...in other news, I've accomplished absolutely nothing today. I need to stop musing about the future and instead just focus on the present. The present is two finals. Two finals, both for which I am incredibly screwed. I woke up far too late today and should go to bed early enough to start getting back into a routine so that I will be able to take my 9 AM linguistics final Wednesday.
If I were a Sim, I would have my "social" bar in the red. To clarify, I feel very alone. I haven't really seen anyone at all lately; I've been living behind the computer.
Sigh.