Inescapable
Here I am, sitting on the couch in the deserted living room, 3.15 in the morning.
For the first time in a LONG time, at this time of the morning, sitting in this position, I actually don't feel sick.
Unfortunately, this is not indicative of any major change--I felt sick all day, pretty much, so this is a much needed relief, but not any reason to believe that things are getting better.
I feel this awkward combination of elation and anxiety, elation because feeling not-sick has transformed from expectation to privilege over the past two years and it's so fantastic and omg maybe I can sleep soon--and anxiety because I can't help feeling/fearing that any moment my insides will shift again and the relief will go away. I'm scared to get too cozy in this swanky, non-sick, sleep-worthy feeling, because I KNOW how quickly my fickle body can change its mind and make me even more miserable for the fact that I decided to get all hopeful and project assumptions onto the reality of moments other than the Now. And I feel awed, and grateful, and mutedly terrified, and otherwise completely lacking any sort of control or agency in what happens to me or will happen to me several minutes or a few hours from now.
I can't help feeling that, if I ever get some sort of solution for everything and escape this crazy nightmare, I will definitely have residual trauma resulting from this endless sense of powerlessness. Like someone who must try to recover from years of being slapped in the face only ALMOST every time they dared to think a pleasant thought. Can you even *get* trauma from the sort of things that I experience? I'm not sure, but as inescapable as my instinctual reactions feel, I also feel like they are not particularly normal or healthy at all.
For the first time in a LONG time, at this time of the morning, sitting in this position, I actually don't feel sick.
Unfortunately, this is not indicative of any major change--I felt sick all day, pretty much, so this is a much needed relief, but not any reason to believe that things are getting better.
I feel this awkward combination of elation and anxiety, elation because feeling not-sick has transformed from expectation to privilege over the past two years and it's so fantastic and omg maybe I can sleep soon--and anxiety because I can't help feeling/fearing that any moment my insides will shift again and the relief will go away. I'm scared to get too cozy in this swanky, non-sick, sleep-worthy feeling, because I KNOW how quickly my fickle body can change its mind and make me even more miserable for the fact that I decided to get all hopeful and project assumptions onto the reality of moments other than the Now. And I feel awed, and grateful, and mutedly terrified, and otherwise completely lacking any sort of control or agency in what happens to me or will happen to me several minutes or a few hours from now.
I can't help feeling that, if I ever get some sort of solution for everything and escape this crazy nightmare, I will definitely have residual trauma resulting from this endless sense of powerlessness. Like someone who must try to recover from years of being slapped in the face only ALMOST every time they dared to think a pleasant thought. Can you even *get* trauma from the sort of things that I experience? I'm not sure, but as inescapable as my instinctual reactions feel, I also feel like they are not particularly normal or healthy at all.