(no subject)
It's been a long time since I've written here and the journey I've been through has been even longer. I wish I had more to say about the human perspective and learning to accept yourself. But the truth is that life is more complicated than just finding yourself. It's more complicated than being happy. It's about finding place and it's hard when you've never known what 'place' is or meant or stood for.
Despite moving to California and getting a full time job and putting on my best "adult" act, I still find myself here. I still find myself in varying states of depression though, I'll admit, they aren't as frequent as they used to be. They just get worse when they come around. I suppose that's bound to happen over time when you learn more about yourself and even more about others. Depression is something people don't like to talk about out here. I think a lot of it has to do with not knowing how to deal with those feelings. Theres so much more to do and to focus on when you live in a place like this. People covet their sadness and bury it behind mountains of hobbies and career moves. I just wallow in it and try to make sense of it any way I can.
And that is also why I'm incredibly, incredibly lonely.
Its not much of a secret though. I've been pretty open about my loneliness but I haven't quite been able to be so open about the heaviness of my thoughts. Ever since Alex died, I've started to think more about dying myself. Its been a long time since Ive had those thoughts. And they scare me. A lot.
I dont know who to talk to anymore. My friends either have insidious motives or don't know how to talk to me. I feel stuck. Or something.