I was alright today.
My day is usually really awesome, then it sucks in math class for numerous reasons (I bet you can guess at least one hahah.) Then it picks back up again in band and lunch and I sleep all the time in spanish. Then I go to play practice/mock trial/film club/cross country/whatever else i need to go to after school. Then I come home at 8:30 and take a shower. Then I do homework until like 1:00am to 5:00am. Repeat. I'm tired... all the time.
It's funny how you never realize how much you are exposed to someone until they're gone and you need to recover but they're always right there to remind you of why you fell in love in the first place. I want Andrea back in my life so badly. I love her so much but it will never ever happen because of me. I know that someone will comment and say "it's not your fault" but you're wrong. It was all my fault. I am the reason that this didn't work out and I'm more sorry about it than I have been about anything. I was wrong, you were right, and all I want to do is make things better. You don't even want to talk to me any more though. I hate being depressed and I'm sorry I'm putting everyone else I know through a tough time because I'm being an emo bitch. No question about it, I truly fucked up big time.
It seems like my life is in a weird spot lately, I know I don't have it bad and I shouldn't complain but I need somewhere to vent, everyone feels bad every once in a while. It used to be that I cared at least a little bit about my classes and doing well in them and getting to bed early and I even thought about my future every once in a while. Nowadays I just couldn't care less about any of my classes, especially Spanish, I stay up 'til around 5:00 every single day. I don't even think about how this is effecting me. Sure, it's not much, but it's changed. I'd be dissapointed in myself if I gave a damn any more.
Two nights this week I went home and put a very emo playlist on my musicmatch and looked up quotes (both depressing and hope instilling) and looked up pictures of beautiful places and calm and I let myself go. I just broke down and cried and held my head in my hands and waited and waited for everything to get better. Then I go to sleep.
Mock trial Wednesday and Thursday was fun as always. Wednesday we went up against Millbrook. They suck, period. We beat them with iron fists of mock justice. Thursday we went up against (oh man, I just totally blanked on the name... I wanna say Redhook but I'm not sure that's right, so until I figure it out you will imagine what school it was with your mind, ok?) and lost by one point. That was the best mock trial competition I've ever been to though, because they actually knew what they were doing and did an awesome job at that. Plus we got like 30 points, which is sick considering 36 is the top. They got 31, but it doesn't matter that we lost because they were really awesome kids. One of them plays the accordian and generally rules at life. I kept dozing off every now and again and started to snore so Jess woke me up. And we laughed at that and at our stomaches growling. Bob Nue was our bus driver and that's scary and he's scary but it was alright because we stopped off at Dunkin' Donuts and I got a vanilla bean iced latte and it was awesome. The Bacon Egg and Cheese Bagel Sandwich was alright. The bus ride was fun though, because we laughed a lot and had a good time.
It was such a nice day out the past two days, I never want this weather to end. It rained at the end of the day and today (I say today because it's like 12:30) it will probably be a little bit colder. That's alright though, It's still beautiful out.
I went outside to the bus stop today and everything looked so green and alive and it made me realize something. I read a quote that pretty much echoes my feelings about the day. "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost.
There is no use in me being sad all the time so I've put on a smile and I'll be alright. I'll be fine. It just hurts sometimes, ya know? I wish I could get over everything, but it's harder than just that. I'm fighting a war with myself, and when I win, I'll let you know. I don't want to get over Andrea, but I have to. I don't want her to like anyone else, because I love her so much, but she probably already does and I know she doesn't like me any more. I remember when I saw people fighting back in the day and I said "I will never turn into someone like this. I will find someone I love and cherish them forever. I will do anything for them." But I guess I never realized how big of a promise that is. I guess I never realized that if both people aren't really trying then it won't work. I tried as hard as I possibly could, and it seemed as if she didn't. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just a jealous loser. Only one thing is for sure: It was all my fault. I know it was, otherwise I wouldn't be in this mess. If I didn't get all jealous and protective this would have never happened and I would still be staring into her eyes and telling her that I love her every day. I would still be sneaking kisses at play practice and I would still be trying to hold her in my arms. I'm so hopeless.
I love each and every friend that I have, I love every moment I spend with them and I love how the days are getting warmer and everything would be perfect if I didn't fuck that one thing up. I'm sorry I ranted, everyone. I couldn't think of anything else to do and it's better than doing homework. I love you, all of you. Don't stop being awesome. If you wouldn't mind, help me out. Just talk to me or something and be cool. I'll do the same for you whenever you need it. But still, I wish she would talk to me most of all. It doesn't seem like she's interested though. Not even interested in talking to me. I don't have a chance. What can I do about it though, it's not like I can change her mind. Please people, I love you...
Oh yeah... and...
Katie is cool.
It's funny how you never realize how much you are exposed to someone until they're gone and you need to recover but they're always right there to remind you of why you fell in love in the first place. I want Andrea back in my life so badly. I love her so much but it will never ever happen because of me. I know that someone will comment and say "it's not your fault" but you're wrong. It was all my fault. I am the reason that this didn't work out and I'm more sorry about it than I have been about anything. I was wrong, you were right, and all I want to do is make things better. You don't even want to talk to me any more though. I hate being depressed and I'm sorry I'm putting everyone else I know through a tough time because I'm being an emo bitch. No question about it, I truly fucked up big time.
It seems like my life is in a weird spot lately, I know I don't have it bad and I shouldn't complain but I need somewhere to vent, everyone feels bad every once in a while. It used to be that I cared at least a little bit about my classes and doing well in them and getting to bed early and I even thought about my future every once in a while. Nowadays I just couldn't care less about any of my classes, especially Spanish, I stay up 'til around 5:00 every single day. I don't even think about how this is effecting me. Sure, it's not much, but it's changed. I'd be dissapointed in myself if I gave a damn any more.
Two nights this week I went home and put a very emo playlist on my musicmatch and looked up quotes (both depressing and hope instilling) and looked up pictures of beautiful places and calm and I let myself go. I just broke down and cried and held my head in my hands and waited and waited for everything to get better. Then I go to sleep.
Mock trial Wednesday and Thursday was fun as always. Wednesday we went up against Millbrook. They suck, period. We beat them with iron fists of mock justice. Thursday we went up against (oh man, I just totally blanked on the name... I wanna say Redhook but I'm not sure that's right, so until I figure it out you will imagine what school it was with your mind, ok?) and lost by one point. That was the best mock trial competition I've ever been to though, because they actually knew what they were doing and did an awesome job at that. Plus we got like 30 points, which is sick considering 36 is the top. They got 31, but it doesn't matter that we lost because they were really awesome kids. One of them plays the accordian and generally rules at life. I kept dozing off every now and again and started to snore so Jess woke me up. And we laughed at that and at our stomaches growling. Bob Nue was our bus driver and that's scary and he's scary but it was alright because we stopped off at Dunkin' Donuts and I got a vanilla bean iced latte and it was awesome. The Bacon Egg and Cheese Bagel Sandwich was alright. The bus ride was fun though, because we laughed a lot and had a good time.
It was such a nice day out the past two days, I never want this weather to end. It rained at the end of the day and today (I say today because it's like 12:30) it will probably be a little bit colder. That's alright though, It's still beautiful out.
I went outside to the bus stop today and everything looked so green and alive and it made me realize something. I read a quote that pretty much echoes my feelings about the day. "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost.
There is no use in me being sad all the time so I've put on a smile and I'll be alright. I'll be fine. It just hurts sometimes, ya know? I wish I could get over everything, but it's harder than just that. I'm fighting a war with myself, and when I win, I'll let you know. I don't want to get over Andrea, but I have to. I don't want her to like anyone else, because I love her so much, but she probably already does and I know she doesn't like me any more. I remember when I saw people fighting back in the day and I said "I will never turn into someone like this. I will find someone I love and cherish them forever. I will do anything for them." But I guess I never realized how big of a promise that is. I guess I never realized that if both people aren't really trying then it won't work. I tried as hard as I possibly could, and it seemed as if she didn't. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just a jealous loser. Only one thing is for sure: It was all my fault. I know it was, otherwise I wouldn't be in this mess. If I didn't get all jealous and protective this would have never happened and I would still be staring into her eyes and telling her that I love her every day. I would still be sneaking kisses at play practice and I would still be trying to hold her in my arms. I'm so hopeless.
I love each and every friend that I have, I love every moment I spend with them and I love how the days are getting warmer and everything would be perfect if I didn't fuck that one thing up. I'm sorry I ranted, everyone. I couldn't think of anything else to do and it's better than doing homework. I love you, all of you. Don't stop being awesome. If you wouldn't mind, help me out. Just talk to me or something and be cool. I'll do the same for you whenever you need it. But still, I wish she would talk to me most of all. It doesn't seem like she's interested though. Not even interested in talking to me. I don't have a chance. What can I do about it though, it's not like I can change her mind. Please people, I love you...
Oh yeah... and...
Katie is cool.