(no subject)
I think I've found myself again.
by found, I'm not sure what exactly I mean, but it's different. it's so hard for me to explain the things I feel and think sometimes.
last night was one of the most memorable nights of my life, and it was so short. so fucking short.
I feel like I rediscovered something about myself, but I really just can't explain exactly what it is.
there's all sorts of things I want to put in here about amber-leigh and myself, and there's just too much. we made lists last night of things we needed to talk about and do, and it was just an amazing night. I've enver felt so good I think.
I like having my emotions. I know I'm depressed, but the thing about it is that I like knowing that I can feel that way, and any other way, and I can handle it. sometimes I think I can't, but I think I've found out that I can. I take drugs to make me feel good, but I would never take prescription anti depressants because I like feeling the way I feel no matter what, and I don't want that to ever stop. I don't ever want to stop feeling or remembering.
life is odd, because the definition of life is something that feeds and desecretes and all of that, but there's more to it. fish have basically no memory, so are they really a life? they are, but not like human life. and like a room, in my room so much happens, but my room isn't going to remember it, but that room has so much life and so many fucking memories in it and it means so much. memories mean so fucking much to me, I don't know what i'd do if I stopped remembering all the wonderful things there are, along with all the horrible and rotten things.
I feel like the point in life is to remember and feel, and I think my future hasn't mattered as much to me since I've realized this.
Amber-leigh did so much for me last night, I don't know if she'll ever know. it just feels so fucking good to have been able to talk about things that I haven't been able to talk freely about with anyone else. it just feels like I have my soul back or something, because for a long time I don't know where it really was.
I'm a little depressed now, because the night went so quickly and so much is unfinished and I just want that good feeling again, but I'll be alright. the future will soon turn into the present and I'll be taking ecstasy again before I even realize how much time has gone by.
I'm a totally different person than I was a year ago.
when I loose 20 more pounds I'm going to do ecstasy again with amber-leigh, I can't wait. hopefully it won't take more than 2 months.
I feel mostly at peace, with the fact that I may never truly find peace. and I think I'm okay with that.
by found, I'm not sure what exactly I mean, but it's different. it's so hard for me to explain the things I feel and think sometimes.
last night was one of the most memorable nights of my life, and it was so short. so fucking short.
I feel like I rediscovered something about myself, but I really just can't explain exactly what it is.
there's all sorts of things I want to put in here about amber-leigh and myself, and there's just too much. we made lists last night of things we needed to talk about and do, and it was just an amazing night. I've enver felt so good I think.
I like having my emotions. I know I'm depressed, but the thing about it is that I like knowing that I can feel that way, and any other way, and I can handle it. sometimes I think I can't, but I think I've found out that I can. I take drugs to make me feel good, but I would never take prescription anti depressants because I like feeling the way I feel no matter what, and I don't want that to ever stop. I don't ever want to stop feeling or remembering.
life is odd, because the definition of life is something that feeds and desecretes and all of that, but there's more to it. fish have basically no memory, so are they really a life? they are, but not like human life. and like a room, in my room so much happens, but my room isn't going to remember it, but that room has so much life and so many fucking memories in it and it means so much. memories mean so fucking much to me, I don't know what i'd do if I stopped remembering all the wonderful things there are, along with all the horrible and rotten things.
I feel like the point in life is to remember and feel, and I think my future hasn't mattered as much to me since I've realized this.
Amber-leigh did so much for me last night, I don't know if she'll ever know. it just feels so fucking good to have been able to talk about things that I haven't been able to talk freely about with anyone else. it just feels like I have my soul back or something, because for a long time I don't know where it really was.
I'm a little depressed now, because the night went so quickly and so much is unfinished and I just want that good feeling again, but I'll be alright. the future will soon turn into the present and I'll be taking ecstasy again before I even realize how much time has gone by.
I'm a totally different person than I was a year ago.
when I loose 20 more pounds I'm going to do ecstasy again with amber-leigh, I can't wait. hopefully it won't take more than 2 months.
I feel mostly at peace, with the fact that I may never truly find peace. and I think I'm okay with that.