Fic: The One Who Knows You
Title: The one who knows you
Fandom: RPDR
Author: molkita
Beta: -
Pairing: Rajila
Word Count: 1.917
Rating: G
Warning: A bit angsty but also fluff
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Fictional situation.
Summary: "He knew it was part of the price he had to pay for being now a public person in a way."
Note: What inspired me to write this was an old Raja interview where she mentions how hard it was for her to deal with mean internet comments at first. It’s just a fluffy hurt/comfort Rajila fic that also kind of fills that request for a fic about Manila being away for a while (but sadly with no phone sex haha).
** Originally posted here.
It was already so late but he didn’t feel like going to bed, he didn’t know if he should blame it on his insomnia or the fact that he had slept for the whole afternoon. The first sounded fancier in his head but the later was more likely to be the truth.
He was sitting on his large couch, surrounded by pillows made out of the merchandise tees he got as gifts from his fellow Drag Racers. All the lights in the apartment were off with the exception of the one rustic lamp that was placed over at the coffee table. He stretched his legs slightly, carefully balancing the laptop over his thighs as he scrolled down the page with a scowl on his face. By now he should know better than to search for his name online but he had been surfing the web for about three hours already and everything was just as he remembered.
Things could get so ugly on the internet; it was almost unbelievable. People always got a lot bolder, braver and meaner when they didn’t have to show their faces and some of those comments were making him feel nauseated. All his friends told him many times before, it did him no good to see so much negativity thrown his way but he wanted to understand why some people disliked him so much. All the things they had to say, as if they really knew all the truth about him, left him puzzled and with an unsettling feeling. A few of them had so much anger he sometimes got himself wondering if he was indeed a terrible, untalented person and the thing he hated the most was exactly that: feeling insecure about what he did thanks to way too harsh critique. That all usually put him in a very shitty mood, hence his friends’ warnings.
He knew all too well he shouldn’t let some random comments of unknown people make him feel this bad and some of the things people said were stupid and easy to brush off but there was always something - be it a personal attack or a self-righteous remark that mercilessly criticized something that was an essential part of him, - that truly hurt to read and it sometimes kept on hurting for a while, tormenting his thoughts and haunting every decision he made.
He knew it was part of the price he had to pay for being now a public person in a way, and he also knew that avoiding seeing those things would help keeping him mentally stable, preventing anxiety attacks. He did manage to avoid all that ugly mess for most of the time but sometimes it was just impossible to ignore it, he had to see it with his own eyes even if just to stop wondering. In some rare cases, he got strength from people’s hatred but most of the time he just ended his night feeling like crap, convinced that he would never be able to please people no matter what he did and wondering if it was even worth trying.
After placing the laptop on top of the coffee table he fumbled to find his phone hidden under the pillows. He dialed the number he knew by heart and waited.
“Honey,” came the voice after only two rings, he sounded concerned. “Why are you still up? It must be dawn over there.”
“Couldn’t sleep.” He confessed with a little smile already tugging at the corners of his mouth. There was a pang of sadness trying to overtake his heart right now, but listening to Karl’s voice never failed to make him feel better, even if only slightly. “What are you doing right now?”
“I’m still at the apartment, which is a nice one by the way, but will be leaving in a few to get ready for a photo shoot later today. Hold on,” there were a few noises on the other end of the line. “Now I’m sitting and ready to listen, tell me what’s bothering you.”
“Nothing, I guess it’s just my insomnia striking again.” He lied, already knowing Karl wouldn’t buy it.
“That’s BS and we both know it, girl. You don’t have insomnia! You just can’t turn the bad thoughts off at some odd nights. Now be a good girl and tell me what’s bothering you, will you?”
Sutan sighed as he moved to lie on the couch, his feet hanging from the couch’s arm.
“I’ve been searching Raja Gemini for about three hours.” He screwed one eye shut as he heard Manila grunt disapprovingly.
“Why on Earth would you do that to yourself again, bitch?” He clicked his tongue. “Why are you always so cruel to yourself?”
He had no answer to that question; he knew his friend was right. He tried to swallow but the lump in his throat was making it very difficult. Sutan opened and closed his mouth a few times, unable to make up his mind on what to say. Karl just waited patiently.
“I don’t know, I hate it when I do this,” his voice faltered and he wanted to kick himself for that. He could feel his eyes beginning to sting as his vision became blurry. “But even if I don’t see it, I know it’s happening and sometimes I even start to imagine they are saying worst things than what they are actually saying and, I don’t know,” he was now pissed off at himself, he hated feeling that weak. He bit his lips to fight back the tears and took a long shaky breath. “I’m sorry I’m so stubborn and self-destructive sometimes.” The end of the sentence came out almost as a whisper; he scowled at himself when tears started to roll down his cheeks. Now he had really done it, he was probably looking like a fucking mess.
“Oh, honey!” Karl whined. “Don’t do this to me when I’m so far away and can’t run right to your apartment to comfort you.”
“I’m sorry to bother you with this stupid thing while you’re traveling.” He muttered weakly.
“Don’t be sorry, you can call me whenever, you know that.” He sighed. “Promise me you’ll stop this nonsensical searching right at this moment, please? You don’t need that bullshit.”
“I know.” His voice was quiet but it still filled the silent room. “I miss you.” The tears he had just wiped away were replaced by fresh ones.
“I miss you too.” Karl was quick to say, still sounding worried. “So fucking much. I’ll be back soon, though. And when I finally get back, I’ll hug all the sadness out of you but for now you need to behave.”
Sutan laughed softly in spite of his tears.
“I’ll try.”
“You better!” Karl warned and Sutan could easily picture his frown and the raised finger, scolding him. “But seriously now, I’m telling you this again, don’t let the stupid things these silly faceless people say get to you.”
“Sometimes it’s hard,” his lips trembled slightly as he remembered a few of the comments he had read. “They hate me so much, Karl. And most of the times I don’t even understand where it comes from. I don’t know what was it that I did for them to see me that way.”
“Nothing!” Karl stated. “You did absolutely nothing and they know nothing! Listen, people just enjoy hating as much as they enjoy loving, maybe even more.”
Sutan nodded, even though he knew Karl couldn’t see it. Those words just made a lot of sense to him now that Karl had voiced them.
“They know nothing about you. They have no idea of how great you are, they couldn’t even begin to understand it since they don’t know you.” His tone was soft and Sutan could hear the smile through his voice. “I know you, I could spend the whole day talking about all the things I love about you and that’s all that matters, you see? The people who truly know you love you.”
The uncomfortable knot on his stomach loosened a bit at that and he closed his eyes, smiling. He really appreciated Karl’s undeniable ability of knowing exactly what to say to make him feel better.
“Those bitches’ bitter comments shouldn’t matter.” Karl added. “If they had the chance to see you for what you really are, I’m sure they would regret every word.”
“You are so biased, bitch.” He giggled but his eyes were still wet.
“But I’m being completely honest now!” He retorted in a serious tone that surprised Sutan. “I may be biased, but I’m not the only one and I’m sure there’s a pretty valid reason to justify why so many people feel that way. Think about the people who look up to you, don’t you think they know you better than those who talk shit about you?” He didn’t even wait for Sutan’s answer. “From up close, we can see so much more.” He chuckled. “Babe, you make the people around you feel special in every single sense of that word and that comes so naturally for you. Just look at how many adoring friends you have, look at your beautiful drag family and think about how deeply each of them cares about you. You should give their opinion the importance it deserves.” Karl took in a deep breath and paused for brief seconds, but he still had something to add to his speech. “My opinion should matter the most, though.”
Fresh tears rolled down to decorate Sutan’s face once again but his lips were curled into a smile now.
“You spoil me way too much.” He meant to end his sentence with a laugh but it sounded more like a muffled sob.
“Blame me for knowing you well enough to adore you with all your qualities and faults, I can’t help it. No one is all good or all bad, honey, but there’ll always be people who will see beyond all that and love you no matter what. When you find people like that, you must stick to them.”
“Damn, girl, you are really something else! Talking me all the way to feeling better.” Sutan dried his eyes with the back of his hand, he was feeling so much lighter right now. Knowing that some people would always be there for him put his mind at ease. “You’re so stuck with me, bitch, there’s no way around it.” He laughed when he heard the other man giggle. “You’re not allowed to go any time soon.”
“I would never want to leave.” He said while still laughing. “I’ll always stand by you.”
“Always is such a strong word, girl.” Sutan remarked good-naturedly.
“Well, you know what they say,” Karl took a deep breath. “To have and to hold, for this day forward, for better, for worse, for nights with tips and nights without them, for looking sickening or even for the looking-like-a-booger-days, for kiki-ing, for throwing some shade, to love and to cherish in spite of everything.”
Sutan laughed out loud then, which made Karl grin like a maniac at the other end of the line. The sound Sutan’s joyful guffaw making his heart feel warm.
“Even if I call you a chubby Asian at a random interview again?”
“Bitch, don’t you dare!” Karl was quick to warn and they both laughed.
“Just so you know,” Sutan added after a while of comfortable silence. “I’ll also always stand by you.”
“I know.” Karl snickered. “That’s because you love me.”
“Yes, I do.” His eyes were completely dry now, but they were shining with mirth. “Sometimes.” He completed jokingly and Karl gasped in feigned shock.
When the giggles subsided, they both stayed silent, not knowing what to say next but still not wanting to hang up.
“Will you be ok?” Karl questioned after a while.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“You better turn that computer off and try to watch a funny movie or just listen to good music before going to bed, that’ll help you taking your head out of the crazy stuff you’ve read.”
“I’ll do that.” He sat up on the couch, feeling a lot better. He let out a relieved sigh. “Thank you, love. You mean the world to me, honestly. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I’m sure you’d have gone crazy by now.” He said in a mocking voice. “But seriously, stay away from discussions with people who think they know you better than yourself. Stay sane until I get back.”
“Fine, we can go insane together once you’re back.”
“Exactly. I have to go now, baby. I’ll call later to check on you.”
“I’ll be fine.” He rolled his eyes. “It was just a minor breakdown.”
“I don’t care, don’t give me that attitude, I’ll check on you whenever I want.”
“OK, mom.” Sutan remarked sarcastically, making the other giggle. “Slay at that photo shoot, honey. I’ll talk to you later and thanks again.”
“Anytime you need. Bye for now, love you!” Karl made kissy noises.
“Love you too, stupid.” He laughed. “Bye.”
Sutan placed his cell phone over at the coffee table and he eyed his laptop suspiciously, as if it were to blame.
“Enough with surfing the web for now.” He declared to himself and got up, following to the kitchen to make some popcorn.
Karl’s movie suggestion could be a good idea. Watching something light and funny would probably ward off all the negative thoughts that were still slightly bothering him. As soon as he closed the microwave’s door, he heard the sound of his cell phone announcing he got a new message. He walked all the way back to the living room, already guessing it would be Karl sending a couple more positive words his way and that alone made him smile.
Better suggestion!! In case you really do need something to take your mind away from the negativity before bed, try searching “rajila” on Tumblr and read the texts that’ll come up. I assure you won’t regret it.
He frowned at the message, feeling terribly curious and unsure at the same time. He sat on the couch and opened a new tab on his laptop’s browser, typing the name Karl instructed him to and opening the first link that came up.
“What the hell is-oh!” He clasped his hand over his mouth when he realized exactly what that was upon reading the first sentence of the description. “Oh my god!” He couldn’t hold back a laugh. “Oh my dear GOD, Manila! How did you even find this?!” There was a wide grin on his lips as she clicked the Read More button, completely forgetting about the popcorn as well as the mean comments he had read before.
~x~
His makeup was done and he was already dressed up, only waiting for the photographer to finish decorating and arranging the set when his cell phone buzzed. He smiled fondly when he saw it was a message from Sutan.
For making me read this stuff while you’re so far away, you owe me hot phone sex. Just sayin’.
He had to bite his lip to hold back a laugh as he quickly typed a reply.
Only if we can write about it later.
The reply came only a heartbeat after:
Deal. But the description needs to be detailed and you’ll have to come up with a cool pen name for us to use.
Karl laughed then, unable to contain his amusement.
Will do . ♥
He hit the send button and saw when the photographer signalized for him to get on set. He was opening his bag to keep his belongings when his cell phone buzzed announcing the arrival of yet another message; he quickly opened it.
Come back soon, please?
He smiled affectionately and instinctively caressed Sutan’s name before sending a reply:
It’s a promise. Can’t wait to be with you.
Fandom: RPDR
Author: molkita
Beta: -
Pairing: Rajila
Word Count: 1.917
Rating: G
Warning: A bit angsty but also fluff
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Fictional situation.
Summary: "He knew it was part of the price he had to pay for being now a public person in a way."
Note: What inspired me to write this was an old Raja interview where she mentions how hard it was for her to deal with mean internet comments at first. It’s just a fluffy hurt/comfort Rajila fic that also kind of fills that request for a fic about Manila being away for a while (but sadly with no phone sex haha).
** Originally posted here.
It was already so late but he didn’t feel like going to bed, he didn’t know if he should blame it on his insomnia or the fact that he had slept for the whole afternoon. The first sounded fancier in his head but the later was more likely to be the truth.
He was sitting on his large couch, surrounded by pillows made out of the merchandise tees he got as gifts from his fellow Drag Racers. All the lights in the apartment were off with the exception of the one rustic lamp that was placed over at the coffee table. He stretched his legs slightly, carefully balancing the laptop over his thighs as he scrolled down the page with a scowl on his face. By now he should know better than to search for his name online but he had been surfing the web for about three hours already and everything was just as he remembered.
Things could get so ugly on the internet; it was almost unbelievable. People always got a lot bolder, braver and meaner when they didn’t have to show their faces and some of those comments were making him feel nauseated. All his friends told him many times before, it did him no good to see so much negativity thrown his way but he wanted to understand why some people disliked him so much. All the things they had to say, as if they really knew all the truth about him, left him puzzled and with an unsettling feeling. A few of them had so much anger he sometimes got himself wondering if he was indeed a terrible, untalented person and the thing he hated the most was exactly that: feeling insecure about what he did thanks to way too harsh critique. That all usually put him in a very shitty mood, hence his friends’ warnings.
He knew all too well he shouldn’t let some random comments of unknown people make him feel this bad and some of the things people said were stupid and easy to brush off but there was always something - be it a personal attack or a self-righteous remark that mercilessly criticized something that was an essential part of him, - that truly hurt to read and it sometimes kept on hurting for a while, tormenting his thoughts and haunting every decision he made.
He knew it was part of the price he had to pay for being now a public person in a way, and he also knew that avoiding seeing those things would help keeping him mentally stable, preventing anxiety attacks. He did manage to avoid all that ugly mess for most of the time but sometimes it was just impossible to ignore it, he had to see it with his own eyes even if just to stop wondering. In some rare cases, he got strength from people’s hatred but most of the time he just ended his night feeling like crap, convinced that he would never be able to please people no matter what he did and wondering if it was even worth trying.
After placing the laptop on top of the coffee table he fumbled to find his phone hidden under the pillows. He dialed the number he knew by heart and waited.
“Honey,” came the voice after only two rings, he sounded concerned. “Why are you still up? It must be dawn over there.”
“Couldn’t sleep.” He confessed with a little smile already tugging at the corners of his mouth. There was a pang of sadness trying to overtake his heart right now, but listening to Karl’s voice never failed to make him feel better, even if only slightly. “What are you doing right now?”
“I’m still at the apartment, which is a nice one by the way, but will be leaving in a few to get ready for a photo shoot later today. Hold on,” there were a few noises on the other end of the line. “Now I’m sitting and ready to listen, tell me what’s bothering you.”
“Nothing, I guess it’s just my insomnia striking again.” He lied, already knowing Karl wouldn’t buy it.
“That’s BS and we both know it, girl. You don’t have insomnia! You just can’t turn the bad thoughts off at some odd nights. Now be a good girl and tell me what’s bothering you, will you?”
Sutan sighed as he moved to lie on the couch, his feet hanging from the couch’s arm.
“I’ve been searching Raja Gemini for about three hours.” He screwed one eye shut as he heard Manila grunt disapprovingly.
“Why on Earth would you do that to yourself again, bitch?” He clicked his tongue. “Why are you always so cruel to yourself?”
He had no answer to that question; he knew his friend was right. He tried to swallow but the lump in his throat was making it very difficult. Sutan opened and closed his mouth a few times, unable to make up his mind on what to say. Karl just waited patiently.
“I don’t know, I hate it when I do this,” his voice faltered and he wanted to kick himself for that. He could feel his eyes beginning to sting as his vision became blurry. “But even if I don’t see it, I know it’s happening and sometimes I even start to imagine they are saying worst things than what they are actually saying and, I don’t know,” he was now pissed off at himself, he hated feeling that weak. He bit his lips to fight back the tears and took a long shaky breath. “I’m sorry I’m so stubborn and self-destructive sometimes.” The end of the sentence came out almost as a whisper; he scowled at himself when tears started to roll down his cheeks. Now he had really done it, he was probably looking like a fucking mess.
“Oh, honey!” Karl whined. “Don’t do this to me when I’m so far away and can’t run right to your apartment to comfort you.”
“I’m sorry to bother you with this stupid thing while you’re traveling.” He muttered weakly.
“Don’t be sorry, you can call me whenever, you know that.” He sighed. “Promise me you’ll stop this nonsensical searching right at this moment, please? You don’t need that bullshit.”
“I know.” His voice was quiet but it still filled the silent room. “I miss you.” The tears he had just wiped away were replaced by fresh ones.
“I miss you too.” Karl was quick to say, still sounding worried. “So fucking much. I’ll be back soon, though. And when I finally get back, I’ll hug all the sadness out of you but for now you need to behave.”
Sutan laughed softly in spite of his tears.
“I’ll try.”
“You better!” Karl warned and Sutan could easily picture his frown and the raised finger, scolding him. “But seriously now, I’m telling you this again, don’t let the stupid things these silly faceless people say get to you.”
“Sometimes it’s hard,” his lips trembled slightly as he remembered a few of the comments he had read. “They hate me so much, Karl. And most of the times I don’t even understand where it comes from. I don’t know what was it that I did for them to see me that way.”
“Nothing!” Karl stated. “You did absolutely nothing and they know nothing! Listen, people just enjoy hating as much as they enjoy loving, maybe even more.”
Sutan nodded, even though he knew Karl couldn’t see it. Those words just made a lot of sense to him now that Karl had voiced them.
“They know nothing about you. They have no idea of how great you are, they couldn’t even begin to understand it since they don’t know you.” His tone was soft and Sutan could hear the smile through his voice. “I know you, I could spend the whole day talking about all the things I love about you and that’s all that matters, you see? The people who truly know you love you.”
The uncomfortable knot on his stomach loosened a bit at that and he closed his eyes, smiling. He really appreciated Karl’s undeniable ability of knowing exactly what to say to make him feel better.
“Those bitches’ bitter comments shouldn’t matter.” Karl added. “If they had the chance to see you for what you really are, I’m sure they would regret every word.”
“You are so biased, bitch.” He giggled but his eyes were still wet.
“But I’m being completely honest now!” He retorted in a serious tone that surprised Sutan. “I may be biased, but I’m not the only one and I’m sure there’s a pretty valid reason to justify why so many people feel that way. Think about the people who look up to you, don’t you think they know you better than those who talk shit about you?” He didn’t even wait for Sutan’s answer. “From up close, we can see so much more.” He chuckled. “Babe, you make the people around you feel special in every single sense of that word and that comes so naturally for you. Just look at how many adoring friends you have, look at your beautiful drag family and think about how deeply each of them cares about you. You should give their opinion the importance it deserves.” Karl took in a deep breath and paused for brief seconds, but he still had something to add to his speech. “My opinion should matter the most, though.”
Fresh tears rolled down to decorate Sutan’s face once again but his lips were curled into a smile now.
“You spoil me way too much.” He meant to end his sentence with a laugh but it sounded more like a muffled sob.
“Blame me for knowing you well enough to adore you with all your qualities and faults, I can’t help it. No one is all good or all bad, honey, but there’ll always be people who will see beyond all that and love you no matter what. When you find people like that, you must stick to them.”
“Damn, girl, you are really something else! Talking me all the way to feeling better.” Sutan dried his eyes with the back of his hand, he was feeling so much lighter right now. Knowing that some people would always be there for him put his mind at ease. “You’re so stuck with me, bitch, there’s no way around it.” He laughed when he heard the other man giggle. “You’re not allowed to go any time soon.”
“I would never want to leave.” He said while still laughing. “I’ll always stand by you.”
“Always is such a strong word, girl.” Sutan remarked good-naturedly.
“Well, you know what they say,” Karl took a deep breath. “To have and to hold, for this day forward, for better, for worse, for nights with tips and nights without them, for looking sickening or even for the looking-like-a-booger-days, for kiki-ing, for throwing some shade, to love and to cherish in spite of everything.”
Sutan laughed out loud then, which made Karl grin like a maniac at the other end of the line. The sound Sutan’s joyful guffaw making his heart feel warm.
“Even if I call you a chubby Asian at a random interview again?”
“Bitch, don’t you dare!” Karl was quick to warn and they both laughed.
“Just so you know,” Sutan added after a while of comfortable silence. “I’ll also always stand by you.”
“I know.” Karl snickered. “That’s because you love me.”
“Yes, I do.” His eyes were completely dry now, but they were shining with mirth. “Sometimes.” He completed jokingly and Karl gasped in feigned shock.
When the giggles subsided, they both stayed silent, not knowing what to say next but still not wanting to hang up.
“Will you be ok?” Karl questioned after a while.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“You better turn that computer off and try to watch a funny movie or just listen to good music before going to bed, that’ll help you taking your head out of the crazy stuff you’ve read.”
“I’ll do that.” He sat up on the couch, feeling a lot better. He let out a relieved sigh. “Thank you, love. You mean the world to me, honestly. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I’m sure you’d have gone crazy by now.” He said in a mocking voice. “But seriously, stay away from discussions with people who think they know you better than yourself. Stay sane until I get back.”
“Fine, we can go insane together once you’re back.”
“Exactly. I have to go now, baby. I’ll call later to check on you.”
“I’ll be fine.” He rolled his eyes. “It was just a minor breakdown.”
“I don’t care, don’t give me that attitude, I’ll check on you whenever I want.”
“OK, mom.” Sutan remarked sarcastically, making the other giggle. “Slay at that photo shoot, honey. I’ll talk to you later and thanks again.”
“Anytime you need. Bye for now, love you!” Karl made kissy noises.
“Love you too, stupid.” He laughed. “Bye.”
Sutan placed his cell phone over at the coffee table and he eyed his laptop suspiciously, as if it were to blame.
“Enough with surfing the web for now.” He declared to himself and got up, following to the kitchen to make some popcorn.
Karl’s movie suggestion could be a good idea. Watching something light and funny would probably ward off all the negative thoughts that were still slightly bothering him. As soon as he closed the microwave’s door, he heard the sound of his cell phone announcing he got a new message. He walked all the way back to the living room, already guessing it would be Karl sending a couple more positive words his way and that alone made him smile.
Better suggestion!! In case you really do need something to take your mind away from the negativity before bed, try searching “rajila” on Tumblr and read the texts that’ll come up. I assure you won’t regret it.
He frowned at the message, feeling terribly curious and unsure at the same time. He sat on the couch and opened a new tab on his laptop’s browser, typing the name Karl instructed him to and opening the first link that came up.
“What the hell is-oh!” He clasped his hand over his mouth when he realized exactly what that was upon reading the first sentence of the description. “Oh my god!” He couldn’t hold back a laugh. “Oh my dear GOD, Manila! How did you even find this?!” There was a wide grin on his lips as she clicked the Read More button, completely forgetting about the popcorn as well as the mean comments he had read before.
~x~
His makeup was done and he was already dressed up, only waiting for the photographer to finish decorating and arranging the set when his cell phone buzzed. He smiled fondly when he saw it was a message from Sutan.
For making me read this stuff while you’re so far away, you owe me hot phone sex. Just sayin’.
He had to bite his lip to hold back a laugh as he quickly typed a reply.
Only if we can write about it later.
The reply came only a heartbeat after:
Deal. But the description needs to be detailed and you’ll have to come up with a cool pen name for us to use.
Karl laughed then, unable to contain his amusement.
Will do . ♥
He hit the send button and saw when the photographer signalized for him to get on set. He was opening his bag to keep his belongings when his cell phone buzzed announcing the arrival of yet another message; he quickly opened it.
Come back soon, please?
He smiled affectionately and instinctively caressed Sutan’s name before sending a reply:
It’s a promise. Can’t wait to be with you.