Confessions
I think I'm at a place where I can safely make some confessions. Well, safely....maybe not hte right word, but I figure I'm going for stream of consciousness here, so what the hey.
I've realised, partly through a re-reading of my comments to bateleur, and partially from my post yesterday, that I'm practically paralysed by fear. Some of you that know me might find that a bit of a shocker, especially given how I tend to live my life. So here we go *takes deep breath*.
1) I'm terrified I will never know what I want to be when I grow up. For the first 19 years of my life, it felt like I knew what I wanted to do, and certainly once I hit 11 there was this feeling of great expectations. Like people looked at me and expected me to achieve something. That solidified into "thou shalt be a great lawyer". Oxford people will know how that one turned out. I got halfway through and started to find out I wasn't who I thought I was at all, with no clue as to what was left. Identity crisis, thy name is university. It's kinda hard to feel like you're a success at what you do when you have no plans, no certainty, about what you're good at. And time marches on, and I'm working towards being a psychologist, but I still haven't had a road to Damascus experience that convinces me that it's my raison d'etre.
2) I'm terrified that I'm boring. I simply don't go places or see that many people, and I feel as though I have nothing to talk about. And I'm not sure how to fix it.
3) I'm terrified of getting close to people, and letting them get close to me. A lot of that starts with a certain Ms Katy Osbourne, my first ever best friend and my first ever bully. Rather than going down that dark alley of Memory Lane, suffice it to say that it makes any perceived betrayal of a friendship bite so deep that I lash out almost pre-emptively. There's quite a few of you who I know have been on the receiving end of that, and I think it's way beyond time for me to say how sorry I am. I could list you, but I don't want to embarrass people. I hope you can accept my apology - if you think I owe you one, then rest assured, I feel the burden. (I've allowed anonymous posting so you can comment if you feel the need).
4) I'm terrified that I'm no good at relationships, partly because of the above. There's just a part of me that I never let anyone see, and being trapped in my own head with myself can get kinda lonely and frustrating, and it causes issues.
5) I'm terrified that my time here will be done and I won't have seen half the things I want to see, done half the things I want to do.
6) I'm terrified that my ME and/or my depression will come back if I do try to do more, and see more people. This holds me back in ways I can barely begin to describe. And it means that time slips past and I don't call, and I don't write.
There we go. *Takes another deep breath*.
I'm not being completely specific, because I think it's going to take time for me to get specific enough to face each and every one of my demons and conquer them. Unusually, I'm not going to friends lock this post either. I can always change my mind, right? But I think that what I have to say is something I should say to the world, so I will.
Wish me luck folks.
I've realised, partly through a re-reading of my comments to bateleur, and partially from my post yesterday, that I'm practically paralysed by fear. Some of you that know me might find that a bit of a shocker, especially given how I tend to live my life. So here we go *takes deep breath*.
1) I'm terrified I will never know what I want to be when I grow up. For the first 19 years of my life, it felt like I knew what I wanted to do, and certainly once I hit 11 there was this feeling of great expectations. Like people looked at me and expected me to achieve something. That solidified into "thou shalt be a great lawyer". Oxford people will know how that one turned out. I got halfway through and started to find out I wasn't who I thought I was at all, with no clue as to what was left. Identity crisis, thy name is university. It's kinda hard to feel like you're a success at what you do when you have no plans, no certainty, about what you're good at. And time marches on, and I'm working towards being a psychologist, but I still haven't had a road to Damascus experience that convinces me that it's my raison d'etre.
2) I'm terrified that I'm boring. I simply don't go places or see that many people, and I feel as though I have nothing to talk about. And I'm not sure how to fix it.
3) I'm terrified of getting close to people, and letting them get close to me. A lot of that starts with a certain Ms Katy Osbourne, my first ever best friend and my first ever bully. Rather than going down that dark alley of Memory Lane, suffice it to say that it makes any perceived betrayal of a friendship bite so deep that I lash out almost pre-emptively. There's quite a few of you who I know have been on the receiving end of that, and I think it's way beyond time for me to say how sorry I am. I could list you, but I don't want to embarrass people. I hope you can accept my apology - if you think I owe you one, then rest assured, I feel the burden. (I've allowed anonymous posting so you can comment if you feel the need).
4) I'm terrified that I'm no good at relationships, partly because of the above. There's just a part of me that I never let anyone see, and being trapped in my own head with myself can get kinda lonely and frustrating, and it causes issues.
5) I'm terrified that my time here will be done and I won't have seen half the things I want to see, done half the things I want to do.
6) I'm terrified that my ME and/or my depression will come back if I do try to do more, and see more people. This holds me back in ways I can barely begin to describe. And it means that time slips past and I don't call, and I don't write.
There we go. *Takes another deep breath*.
I'm not being completely specific, because I think it's going to take time for me to get specific enough to face each and every one of my demons and conquer them. Unusually, I'm not going to friends lock this post either. I can always change my mind, right? But I think that what I have to say is something I should say to the world, so I will.
Wish me luck folks.