(no subject)
I messed up yesterday. It started at 4pm and didn't end until 12am. Messing up while in recovery is intense, because you know what you are doing, and you just don't get relief like you used to ,,,so you go immediately to the frantic extreme. The experience was painful,,, and needed. I learned some disturbing things about myself, no wonder I am still facing Step 4. I do not feel pity, guilt, or remorse. I feel a strong call to recover. To serve. I am peaceful, and there is only a ghost of a fear that I am only peaceful because of the purging. (Even if that is so, what does it matter? anymore.)
I am experiencing a deep understanding and appreciation for this world. I am willing now to endure pain to support it. I am serene while I contemplate....this is what I asked for...isn't it? I asked to see the truth... and I had to experience it to believe it. I have gone to Hell many times. For a while now I have believed in its existence, but that knowledge alone was not enough for me. I stubbornly kept asking questions... where does this thing we can call "Evil" come from? I must acknowledge that my eyes have been opened. Recovery lies on the fact that I must remember this. I've done my research,,,, this is a sure thing and I cannot allow my head/animal instinct to lead me astray again.
Growth and change is incredible. This is beyond my wildest dreams.
***
Coldplay's Speed of Sound lyrics
How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where to, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on this side of this mountain of mine?
Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I’ll start before I can stop,
or before I see things the right way up.
And all that noise and all that sound,
all those spaces I have found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand…
Ideas that you'll never find,
all the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.
And all that noise, all that sound,
all those spaces I have found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds come flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
Oh when you see it then you'll understand…
All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can invent.
Some get made, and some get sent,
Ooh…
and Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
oh, when you see it then you'll understand
***
I hope that anyone reading this allows themselves a beautiful day. I pray that we can remember what is important and remember that it is all within us.
I am experiencing a deep understanding and appreciation for this world. I am willing now to endure pain to support it. I am serene while I contemplate....this is what I asked for...isn't it? I asked to see the truth... and I had to experience it to believe it. I have gone to Hell many times. For a while now I have believed in its existence, but that knowledge alone was not enough for me. I stubbornly kept asking questions... where does this thing we can call "Evil" come from? I must acknowledge that my eyes have been opened. Recovery lies on the fact that I must remember this. I've done my research,,,, this is a sure thing and I cannot allow my head/animal instinct to lead me astray again.
Growth and change is incredible. This is beyond my wildest dreams.
***
Coldplay's Speed of Sound lyrics
How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where to, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on this side of this mountain of mine?
Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I’ll start before I can stop,
or before I see things the right way up.
And all that noise and all that sound,
all those spaces I have found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand…
Ideas that you'll never find,
all the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.
And all that noise, all that sound,
all those spaces I have found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds come flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
Oh when you see it then you'll understand…
All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can invent.
Some get made, and some get sent,
Ooh…
and Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
oh, when you see it then you'll understand
***
I hope that anyone reading this allows themselves a beautiful day. I pray that we can remember what is important and remember that it is all within us.