plow
It's terribly ironic how much I just sugar-coated the whole thing to my parents.
It's so insane to think about how much is out there ....that only I know...and up until this week even I wouldn't acknowledge.
So apparently this is where a lot of people drop out of recovery. It's so fucking uncomfortable that you want to die. Because every morning you are terrified, so you do all the right things -the things that others tell you to do, and you have had to totally give up your pride and God your everything- then all day long you pray for just a tiny bit of peace or relief and it just does not come. The terrible feelings come instead and you aren't allowed to numb them anymore. You aren't allowed to distract yourself from them anymore. They are the feelings that are so terrible...that you did TERRIBLE UNTHINKABLE DESTRUCTIVE THINGS to yourself and all parts of your life.. to avoid.
Right now I actually feel bad about being negative in this journal. I feel the need to say that when I am not writing... I am the best fucking cheerleader/actress/happy girl you've ever seen. I only reveal this torment to my AA/OA/ABA program world and my journal.
I'm fucking crazy man. Let's have some fun with this. My head just went loopy to distract myself from the pain.
I mean all I can do is try to turn all this into something beautiful. I should force myself to paint or write a book or my GOD my HEART is going to jump out of my chest! I have so much love inside of me..for the whole world.
But it's not for me. And I can't pick up on love. My antennae are broken. That's my whole problem man, that's my whole deal.
i gotta take a walk or something
It's so insane to think about how much is out there ....that only I know...and up until this week even I wouldn't acknowledge.
So apparently this is where a lot of people drop out of recovery. It's so fucking uncomfortable that you want to die. Because every morning you are terrified, so you do all the right things -the things that others tell you to do, and you have had to totally give up your pride and God your everything- then all day long you pray for just a tiny bit of peace or relief and it just does not come. The terrible feelings come instead and you aren't allowed to numb them anymore. You aren't allowed to distract yourself from them anymore. They are the feelings that are so terrible...that you did TERRIBLE UNTHINKABLE DESTRUCTIVE THINGS to yourself and all parts of your life.. to avoid.
Right now I actually feel bad about being negative in this journal. I feel the need to say that when I am not writing... I am the best fucking cheerleader/actress/happy girl you've ever seen. I only reveal this torment to my AA/OA/ABA program world and my journal.
I'm fucking crazy man. Let's have some fun with this. My head just went loopy to distract myself from the pain.
I mean all I can do is try to turn all this into something beautiful. I should force myself to paint or write a book or my GOD my HEART is going to jump out of my chest! I have so much love inside of me..for the whole world.
But it's not for me. And I can't pick up on love. My antennae are broken. That's my whole problem man, that's my whole deal.
i gotta take a walk or something