it's so bloody simple.
I am two different people. One wants to really LIVE!!!!!; the other wants to die.
***
I'm having trouble getting over the shame. and fear.
I have not been accepting the world on its terms.
I fucking hate the term "coping skills" Because it is like the speaker is implying that life sucks so bad, that you have to "cope". That's how I hear it. Please God, tell me that I am an optimist. Because I always thought I was. And there are just too many things distorting and reshaping in my life right now.
Christopher is my angel. The love of my life. Our 9 months was Monday.
In regard to him, one of me wants him to let me be. "please leave me to die. please stop loving me," the little voice says. She sounds like she's 5. (When I am not numb, this is the scariest thing.)
The other of course is so in love with him that my heart bursts, tiny cherry blossoms, all over the fucking place whenever I see him. The blossoms are so beautiful, and they rely on the breeze to take them places.
Many of the girls I went to Milestones with are relapsing, and crying. (Because now it is just so much worse. Because it is reality.)
I'm out of my mind often, and I've been using caffeine as a wheelchair instead of a crutch.
I'm aceing my mid-terms- hard work is paying off. But I lost my Self somewhere back there on Sunday.
I do not want to be a woman.
"I want to be 5 forever"
Dear World, please stop breaking me
Have I lost myself?
***
I'm having trouble getting over the shame. and fear.
I have not been accepting the world on its terms.
I fucking hate the term "coping skills" Because it is like the speaker is implying that life sucks so bad, that you have to "cope". That's how I hear it. Please God, tell me that I am an optimist. Because I always thought I was. And there are just too many things distorting and reshaping in my life right now.
Christopher is my angel. The love of my life. Our 9 months was Monday.
In regard to him, one of me wants him to let me be. "please leave me to die. please stop loving me," the little voice says. She sounds like she's 5. (When I am not numb, this is the scariest thing.)
The other of course is so in love with him that my heart bursts, tiny cherry blossoms, all over the fucking place whenever I see him. The blossoms are so beautiful, and they rely on the breeze to take them places.
Many of the girls I went to Milestones with are relapsing, and crying. (Because now it is just so much worse. Because it is reality.)
I'm out of my mind often, and I've been using caffeine as a wheelchair instead of a crutch.
I'm aceing my mid-terms- hard work is paying off. But I lost my Self somewhere back there on Sunday.
I do not want to be a woman.
"I want to be 5 forever"
Dear World, please stop breaking me
Have I lost myself?