Secret Whispers - Chapter eighteen [part II]

[aroruae]

PART I

“Now that’s not a very nice thing to say in a moment like this.” Jin joked, completely oblivious to everything the younger was feeling as he pulled the boy in his arms and attempted to fall into a comfortable silence. He knew that they needed to talk, but they could do it after this. After all, they had all the rest of their life to talk, right?

Kazuya closed his eyes, letting the arms of Jin offering the soothing that will never come. His heart was beating faster but not because of Jin, but because of what he was going to do. It was like walking straight to your death - this was what Kazuya was doing in this moment. He was preparing to kill every little and beautiful thing that tied him to Jin. And for this, he was fooling himself into playing a movie role. Because if he was conscious, he would fall before even starting.

And just as he was sitting in Jin’s arms, suddenly a low chuckle was heard between them. Kazuya lift up his face and looked at Jin with slightly malicious eyes. “Thanks for the sex.” He said, lips curling into an evil smile. “Nooow…” he pulled away from Jin, ignoring the tugging feeling at the loss of Jin’s warmth, and pretended to yawn a little. “I’ll go home.” He said stretching a bit, looking all nonchalant and uncaring.

Jin looked at him like he didn’t understand. Kazuya wanted to go home? Why? Had he done something wrong again and the younger didn’t want to let Jin know? Had he hurt the other one somehow in his hurry to be one with Kazuya again? “Um…” he tried to say but found out that he had no idea what. Kazuya was acting weird and Jin definitely preferred the way they had fallen asleep together when they had first made love. “You can stay if you want.” He managed to speak eventually, though he kind of stuttered as he stayed there naked in the big bed, looking at Kazuya with big eyes and confusion written in them.

Kazuya clicked his tongue, looking displeased. “Neah. Too much of a hassle.” He shrugged and rose from the bed, heading to the bathroom where he remained for a couple of moments and then reemerged all clean and with his boxers on. His eyes found Jin’s naked body and twinkled a bit. “You are a great fuck, did you know that?” He chuckled as he got closer to the bed and it dipped a bit as he put a leg onto it, leaning to get to Jin’s mouth. “Though I have to admit that I’ve wanted you a bit wilder as this was only sex.” He chuckled against his lips, pulling on the lower one. “Hmm, I hope you know that I led you on, don’t you?” Kazuya pulled back, a frown creasing his forehead.

Somehow, the words didn’t seem to register into Jin’s brain. “What do you mean?” he asked back, looking with what resembled to be fear in his eyes at Kazuya. Something was definitely wrong, this wasn’t the Kazuya he knew. The words seemed to be forced and seemed too unreal for Jin to believe in them. But why? What could have triggered such a big change in Kazuya’s attitude?!

Kazuya shook his head and distanced himself from Jin, scratching his head a bit. A small laugh was heard as he kept looking at Jin. “Sheesh, I really have to spill it on to you, don’t I?” He sighed dramatically as if it was Jin’s fault for making him pass through all this shit. “Look, Jin.” He started and although he wanted to appear sympathetic, it only came out as exasperate. “Right now, you were just fuck.” Kazuya said with an expression that said did-you-take-me-for-serious and honestly, it took everything for Kazuya to be able to pull all this in front of Jin. But he was hurt and he wanted to hurt too.

“Oh.” Was the only thing that Jin said, still not being able to fully grasp the meaning of Kazuya’s words as he just stared back at the boy, his eyes still wide opened and still looking like he didn’t understand a thing from what was happening. “So this was a one-night-stand.” He concluded, feeling his heart how it started to beat faster, the words circling in Jin’s head and making him dizzy. It couldn’t be because… Kazuya had said that he loved him. “So now you tell everyone you fuck with that you love them?” he asked, raising his head that he had no idea when he had dropped to look again at Kazuya, the hurt and pain almost screaming from his pitiful expression.

Kazuya chuckled. “Now, I don’t say it to everyone, just to those that have been begging for it for a long time.” He said with a sort of amused expression on his face. “And you were kind of begging, in fact you even said so.” He looked thoughtful before nodding fervently. “I’m sorry… did you believe in my words of love?” Kazuya asked Jin and he seemed to be pitying the other man. “It was just to get you more… excited to have me.” He added as if this was an excuse for his hurtful actions.

Jin’s face was blank as he continued to stare at Kazuya, still not knowing what to believe. This wasn’t like him, every word of Kazuya’s screamed that he wouldn’t say such a thing normally. Then why was he doing it? Why was he saying such cruel things to the one who loved him more than anything and whom he loved too? “Why me then?” he asked with a small voice, not feeling able to say more or to use a stronger voice. “Why tonight? Why now?” It seemed that he only needed one question to keep pouring the other ones. “You came to me because you broke up with Ryo? Are you such a slut that you can’t resist a night without sex?” he accused, the tone of his voice becoming harsher as he continued to interrogate the younger.

He knew that it was wrong to say such things. He was sure that Kazuya loved him and he had felt that Kazuya hadn’t slept with anyone else since a long time ago - since they had last been together. He hadn’t come to Jin just for sex. There was something else too.

Kazuya rolled his eyes. “Oh, please, stop the drama.” He said as he waved a dismissive hand. “I said before that I wanted you, right? There now, I had you.” He continued and bent to grab his pants. “After all, I just wanted to see if I really enjoy being fucked by a man. Or don’t tell me that you really believed I have feelings for you?” Kazuya cocked an eyebrow, wearing an incredulous expression. “Jin, wake up.” He snapped his fingers in front of the older actor. “I used you all along.”

To Kazuya’s surprise, Jin started to laugh. “Yeah, because you’re really the type to do things like that.” He said, shaking his head with an amused smile gracing his lips. He had no idea if what he was saying was also true, but Jin chose to believe in his own heart that was telling him that Kazuya loved him as much as Jin loved him.

His eyes widened as something seemed to click into Jin’s mind. “If you wanted to see if you really enjoy sex with a man, this means that Ryo had never touched you, hadn’t he?” he said, also standing up and picking up his boxers to cover his intimate parts. “You couldn’t do it with him, but you had no problem with me.” He pointed out, a knowing smirk now dancing on his lips as he stared at Kazuya and looked for more answers in those brown eyes.

Kazuya chuckled a bit. “You’re really delusional, aren’t you?” he said as he zipped his pants and was now heading for his shirt. “I care for Ryo and I couldn’t deceive him that I was enjoying sex with a man. As for you… you were easier.” He chuckled again. “You still wanted me and I still needed to see if I was really into men. Cause you see, Jin, I’m not. Being with you, being with Ryo, had showed to me that you were nothing but a fling, a fuck that I had to feel.” Kazuya shrugged as he finished up buttoning his shirt. “Now… if you still prefer to be delusional, be my guest. But I’m telling you - I had an itch and I had to scratch it.” He made a pause as he let his eyes roam on Jin’s body. “You were that itch that I just scratched.”

“I don’t believe you.” Jin replied with an arched eyebrow and crossed arms. “You wouldn’t have done the things you did for me if I were just a fuck.” He said, starting to get more and more confident in his reasoning. “You wouldn’t have prepared food and candles and flowers for when we slept together. You wouldn’t have told me that you love me that night if you hadn’t felt the same.” He continued, taking a step forward and slowly raising his hand to caress the boy’s cheek. “You wouldn’t tremble in my arms at the simplest touch.” He added, now his tone losing from its confidence and becoming more gentle and caring as his fingers went up to lock themselves in Kazuya’s locks.

Kazuya looked bored at Jin. “Yes, I love you so much that I want to be with you forever!” He blurted out all of a sudden with a dramatic tone, but it was clear the mocking in it. “You want me to say this?” He continued and snorted. “Jin, why do you think I slept with you?” He then asked looking mildly curious. “No, don’t answer. I’ll get another headache.” He lifted a hand to stop any answer coming from Jin. “I’ll tell you why - because you were pestering me.” Kazuya said with an irked tone and only now he grabbed Jin’s wrist to pull it out from his hair. “You were so damn annoying trying to make me fall in love with you that I concluded that you’ll keep it this way if I weren’t going to let you have your way with me. That’s why I left. Because I slept with you out of annoyance and curiosity. And why I had candles and flowers? Well, I’m still a romantic at heart, I couldn’t let my first night with a man to be so simple, could I?” Kazuya gave a slight chuckle and pushed Jin’s hand away. “But that’s the real reason why I left. And why did I sleep with you right now? Because of the same damn reason. You had destroyed my relationship with Ryo and I knew that I won’t be able to have a normal life, one without you, if I weren’t going to let you have me again. So I came and had sex with you. But this time I didn’t leave like three years ago. This time I had to tell you that whatever you thought there had been going between us had been just illusions I created to get rid of you.” Kazuya leaned closer to Jin, their faces so close that each of them could feel the other’s breath. “Face it, Jin. You’ve been annoying me since forever. I had to find a way to get rid of you, no?”

Jin didn’t answer, just continued to look at Kazuya, the confidence and smugness now totally gone from his face and hurt and disappointment replacing them. It hurt. It hurt so much to hear Kazuya say things like this. And after all, it was true. He had pushed Kazuya the first time so much that maybe the younger had thought he only wanted sex from him. But no, Kazuya had said that he had started to care about Jin, that he believed him when he said that he was in love with the younger. Had it all been a lie? Kazuya certainly seemed so different now from the one he had met three years ago and the only time Jin could still see that somehow shy and polite boy in this cruel person that was standing there in front of him was when they were kissing or making out.

Then it was true? Sex had been all that mattered between them?

Jin didn’t know and he was sure that he won’t find out from Kazuya either. “Leave.” He said with a small and hurtful voice, his eyes looking at the younger with all the hate he could muster. “Get the hell out from my apartment.” He hissed, though his voice sounded more pained than threatening.

He didn’t want to listen to Kazuya anymore.

He needed to think.

He needed to be alone.

Kazuya’s eyes hardened - he had succeeded, but he wasn’t done. “It hurts?” He asked with a fake worried voice as he distanced himself from Jin. “Somehow, it makes me regret that I didn’t say all this sooner than now.” He sighed as he looked at Jin with a bored expression. “Well, you’ve been a pain in the ass - literally - and I’ve been a pain in your heart.” Kazuya shrugged and seemed unable to suppress a small smile from forming on his lips. “We’re even and over now, right?” He stretched a hand towards Jin as if they had just sealed a deal off.

Jin looked at the hand stretched towards him and felt like breaking. He couldn’t do this, not now. He needed time to think and to see why was Kazuya acting like this. Not now when the feelings of hurt and betrayal were so strong that Jin couldn’t face them properly. Not now when he felt his whole body shaking as he lifted a trembling hand to grasp Kazuya’s. Not now when his heat felt like dying when he looked into the eyes of the one person he had loved the most in his whole life and the one he knew he would always love, no matter what.

Just… not now.

“Leave.” He repeated, his hand still shaking into Kazuya’s, not aware of the tears that had started to fall from his eyes. And it was different now from the scene they had acted a few hours ago. Because now Jin really knew how it was to feel like the last shit of the world.

Kazuya looked stunned at Jin, realizing two things in the same time - Jin was crying and it was his fault. His eyes widened at the sight of the man he loved and for a moment, the thought of wiping those tears away, of holding Jin in his arms until he wasn’t hurting anymore crossed through his mind. But he couldn’t, not when he had just said all those things to keep Jin away, to destroy everything that was between them.

A light grasp, a shadow of reassurance and he let go of Jin’s hand, looking at him with an indifferent expression. “Don’t cry.” He said with a hoarse voice, but he took a step back. “There’s nothing worth crying.”

“Get out!!” this time Jin yelled, lifting his hand that had been clutched into Kazuya’s to point to the door. “Get out this instant!!” he repeated with an even louder voice if that was possible, not being able to stop his tears from crawling down his cheek and furiously trying to wipe them. He had never felt so mad, so angry and so broken in the same time. He had never yelled so loud or with so much strength, he had never felt his throat sore from crying too much.

It was only Kazuya’s fault.

The younger boy’s mask cracked as he heard Jin shouting this way, but he only let his head down and turned without another word. Jin’s tears had affected him, he felt like the worst guy on planet, but the truth was that right now… he was the worst. He headed for the exit, realizing that this was the last time he will see Jin, the last time he was going to be in this apartment. And it hurt exactly as in the morning he had decided to leave after hearing Jin say that he was just a fuck. But now everything ended, from now on everything should be much easier. Yes, it should.

Then why was he crying like he was the one dumped and hurt? Kazuya opened the front door and exited the apartment, not hearing the loud cry that Jin let out as the older one had hit his fist into the wall, wanting to relieve some of this anger that seemed to consume him from inside but the only thing he managed to obtain was to get hurt and bleed unnecessarily. He looked at his broken fingers, studying them but not really seeing them. He let himself fall on the floor, staying there and wondering what had gone wrong. What did he do wrong? Why did it have to end like this?

It wasn’t fair.

But then again, when had life been fair to start with him?

Jin had no idea how long he had sat there, lost in the memories of the past and trying to think at how could he not have noticed that something was wrong with Kazuya the first time they had been together. But he couldn’t find anything and as each image flew in front of his eyes, Jin was becoming more and more desperate.

He didn’t hear the door unlocking itself. He didn’t hear the calls or the steps approaching him. He didn’t see the man as he entered the room and rushed at him to help him, worried that something bad had happened, especially as Jin’s hand was now red from all the spilled blood. He didn’t notice anything.

“I lost him…” was the only thing Jin managed to say.

Josh could only stare at one of his best friends.

*

He had done the most hateful thing a person could do - he had hurt, lied and practically watched the fall of the person he loved most. He was the worst, Kazuya said to himself for the umpteenth time as he was crouching on the sofa in the living room and looking at the TV but not seeing anything, not even hearing anything. He was so lost in his own thoughts, so hurt that he thought that he was having a nightmare and that maybe when he’ll woke up tomorrow, everything would be gone and he won’t have said a thing to Jin, he won’t have seen his tears, he won’t have felt his tremble.

But it all had been too fucking real to deny it. And Kazuya was regretting everything - after all, revenge never tasted sweet, but it had this bitter taste that it made you sick, that it made you want to scream, to cry and to wipe everything you have said and done. And, God, what he had said! He had wanted to hurt Jin, he had wanted him to feel the same numbing pain he had felt on that morning three years ago… but he should have known better. He should have known he was going to regret the moment his mouth started moving, but there hadn’t been a stop.

And in the end, he had destroyed everything. He was sure now that Jin will never look for him again, will never smile to him again, will never want to touch him again. Hot tears fell down his cheeks and Kazuya curled more, holding his body in a tight embrace, wanting to forget this odious feeling he had creeping inside his soul. There was his heart, screaming and blaming him for what he had done to his loved person and there was his brain saying that it was okay, that he hadn’t done anything wrong and that Jin deserved it. For all the times he had given himself to the older one, for that one single time when Jin had discarded him like a usual fuck, for everything that had been said and all had been lies - Jin deserved Kazuya’s hurtful words.

But the younger boy had also paid his price. He had lost everything once more and now there was no Yuuya, no Ryo to hold him, to encourage him, to support him anymore. And more importantly, there was no Jin in his life anymore. He had taken care of this and all he was left with was this painful love he was supposed to live with everyday.

Because he had loved Jin and he still did. For once he had met true love and for eternity, he had bashed it away. Oh, the fate. Kazuya stayed awake most of the night, his whole being swirled around by these endless thoughts until it wore him down and he finally fell asleep. But even in his dreams, Jin kept haunting him…

The first thing in the morning Kazuya did was to call out Jin’s name, stretching his hand in the air as if it was trying to reach something or someone that was no longer there. He had dreamt of Jin crying and the pain that simply gushed through him at this pitiful sight of his loved one had been unbearable.

Bang. Bang.

Kazuya jolted on the sofa as his eyes looked into the direction of the front door from where the loud banging was heard. For a moment he stood still, his heart beating faster and the faint hope that Jin had come looking again for him sprouted in his heart. Trying to wipe away the sleep and the tears on his face, Kazuya hurried to open the door, crashing into a small table on his way. Oh, God, be Jin, please, be Jin, he prayed just as he reached the door and opened it only to be met with a fist in the face, knocking the younger out for a few seconds and making him stumble back, allowing his attacker to enter his house and then grab him by the collar, slamming his back on the wall, making him moan in pain.

The door closed shut behind them.

The man hit him once more on the wall, earning another pitiful whine from Kazuya as he tried to open his eyes and look at his attacker. Josh’s face and his angry eyes were the first thing he noticed.

“I’ve heard that you were Jin’s little fuck three years ago and that you suddenly left when I came there that morning.” The older one started, spitting the words, his grasp on Kazuya’s collar tightening as he pushed him against the wall once more time, lifting him from the ground a little and letting only his toes now reach the floor.

Kazuya coughed a little, blood coming out from his nose as he looked at Josh with narrowed eyes. An ironic smile curled up his lips. “So you’re the one Jin bragged to. Came to defend your friend?” He asked, not feeling up to hear Josh say anything related to that morning. Besides, he was feeling bad enough - not to mention bleeding - to support Josh’s ranting.

“No, I just came to make you feel like the miserable person that you are.” Josh replied, tilting his head a little and looking at Kazuya with a mocking smile. He had never felt so angered, the blood was pumping in his veins and his heart was pounding in his chest like crazy, but nothing that he did seemed to calm him down. He wanted to see that son of a bitch in pain just like he had left Jin this morning before coming here. “You must feel so good about yourself because you managed to get revenge, no? You must feel so powerful now that the one who had said you were just a fuck is now more broken than you ever were, don’t you?!” he hissed, lifting Kazuya a little more, his fist pushing on Kazuya’s throat and denying him half from the air that he needed to breathe.

Kazuya closed his eyes and opened his mouth a little, the only sign of resistance against Josh’s treatment. He wasn’t fighting back, he didn’t have the necessary strength because he was as equally hurt as Jin was, according to Josh. “Well, I can’t say that there isn’t a certain pleasure to let one taste of the same medicine he let another have.” Kazuya managed to say, the irony and mocking from his voice still there, even if he looked quite pained as he said these words. But one could take them as reactions at Josh’s ruthless behavior, after all a punch in the nose and a half strangled neck doesn’t quite make you look happy, no?

Josh felt the blood rush to his head and his eyes darkened, as the desire to crush Kazuya with his fists increased. “You think you’re so smart.” He snorted, his voice low though full of hate. “Do you want to know what really happened that morning?” he continued, emphasizing his every word as he wanted Kazuya to realize what big of an idiot he had been and who was the real victim in all of this. “Do you want to know what he said, seeing that you didn’t stick till the end to hear it all?!”

Kazuya’s eyes widened at Josh’s words, not really getting what the other was trying to say. No, nothing else happened that morning, it couldn’t have. “Yeah, like you wouldn’t say anything to save your friend.” He snorted, obviously not believing what Josh was saying. “I know perfectly what he said.” He spat those words as if they were venom. He’ll never forget what Jin had said about him.

“Listen to me, you little fuck.” Josh replied, hitting the boy once more on the wall. “I don’t give a damn about you and believe me when I say that you won’t have the chance to see him again, no matter how much you’ll try.” He continued even more angered. He was sure that Kazuya will try to find Jin after this, because he realized from Jin’s story that this idiot also cared about the actor. The problem was that he cared about him so much that he had ended up hurting him. “I’ll only say this once so pay attention.” He then added as the images from that morning stared to flow in front of his eyes.

“What’s wrong with you?” Josh asked with a slight exasperated voice, noticing that Jin wasn’t paying any attention to him and was keener on watching the door, as if he was waiting for it to open but kind of feared that.

“What do you mean?” Jin asked back, only glancing at his friend as he spoke, his gaze returning immediately on the kitchen’s door. He didn’t want Kazuya to hear them as he suspected that Josh might be the last person he’d like to see, especially after what had happened last night. He was feeling a little jumpy, dreading Kazuya’s reaction at seeing Josh sitting at Jin’s table after what had happened the last time the two of them had met.

Needless to say that it was also something Jin didn’t want to remember too.

“I mean that you seem to be more interested in that door than your friend!” Josh accused him, obviously annoyed that he had come to see a friend he had missed and was receiving such an attitude. “Who the hell are you expecting?!” he then asked, raising his voice and gesticulating at the damn door.

“Shhh…” Jin hurried to hush him and this looked even more suspicious to Josh.

“Is there something you’re not telling me?” he inquired, his eyes studying Jin’s anxious figure. “Or is there someone you’re hiding from me?” a smirk appeared on his lips as he realized why was the actor so keen on throwing him out. He had someone in bed waiting for him. “You have never acted like this with any girlfriend you’ve had.” Josh pointed out, now looking a little disappointed at his friend for not wanting to share his life with him as he had done until now. “Come on, call her and we’ll all have breakfast.” He suggested, already standing up to go to the bedroom. “I bet she’s a cutie.” Josh added with a slightly perverted smile on his lips, sitting in the door’s frame and looking at his friend.

“He.” Jin corrected him.

“He?” Josh repeated, slightly disoriented.

“He.” Jin confirmed and this made Josh fall back on his chair.

“I didn’t know you have such tastes.” Josh finally continued after what seemed to be an eternity in which the two friends studied each other, Jin trying to see how well received were the news and Josh still believing that it was a joke. “It really surprised me.” He added as he settled better on his chair, dropping any suggestion to go and call Jin’s partner.

“Well, I have a lot of gay friends so I haven’t had that much problems to accept it.” Jin shrugged and Josh threw a look at him that clearly said I-don’t-believe-you. “Anyway,” Jin cleared his throat in embarrassment, “I’m with him now so…”

“Don’t tell me you’re actually serious about this.” Josh interrupted him, having the expression he always had when Jin was about to make something stupid and his friend didn’t agree. “I mean, I don’t have anything against experimenting, but I just hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.” He gently presented his advice though he had a feeling it was a little too late for this. “He’s a man, you can’t be with him for too long.”

“And why can’t I?” Jin disagreed, starting to get a little annoyed. Pi had supported him from the beginning - the fact that he had lost the one he loved because she was poor maybe had something to do with it and he may have been against it at first too, but anyway! - and Ryo had remained his bitchy self, but had helped them and had taken care of them. Why couldn’t Josh do the same now?!

“No, shit, I really don’t see why.” Josh retorted, his tone aggressive and mocking. “You’re a star known in the whole world and even in America this would have a negative effect on you. People have expectations from you and you can’t just give them a guy and tell them to go fuck themselves if they don’t like it. You’d have to hide your relationship the whole time and I’m sure that you already despise this.”

Jin didn’t want to say how much he actually did. “So what do you want me to tell you then?!” he snapped, annoyed that Josh seemed to be so against him and Kazuya. “To tell you that he’s just a fuck? Okay, I admit that.” Jin said, his tone slightly raising but still keeping it low enough to not be heard in the bedroom. “Since the first moment I saw him, I thought that he’s fucking beautiful and it annoyed me so I started to pick a fight with him. It didn’t take me long to realize that I actually like him and that I want him in my bed, to hear him moaning my name, especially when he seemed to answer so well to my touches.” He continued, ruffling his hair in frustration as he felt that he couldn’t stop now that he had started. “I approached him and I considered him to be just as one of those girls I’ve always dated, ended up fucking them and then leaving them when I’d realize that I want more than this. I’ve tried to get him in my bed for so long that I started to believe that he’d be so amazing and every time I saw him, I tried to get a little closer. I don’t deny all of this.” Jin confessed and slumped on the chair, silence following after his words as Josh just stared at him.

It wasn’t over, he knew Jin.

“But…” the actor whispered, looking down at his hands and then raising his head to gaze at Josh. “But he’s so much more than this.” He sighed and ruffled his hair once more. “I realized this too late, after I’ve hurt and humiliated him. When I saw him leaving my side, I felt so broken. I’ve never felt like that in my life.” Jin said and a comforting smile appeared on Josh’s lips. “And I never want to feel like that.”

“You’re crazy.” Josh chuckled, though he seemed more amused now than in the mood to fight.

“Well, I always was so why are you surprised now?” Jin replied, a taunting smile appearing on his lips, feeling that the tension had passed and the possibility of an acceptance was visible again.

“So you really love him?” Josh asked, now suddenly serious and rather calm.

Jin didn’t need a lot of time to think at his answer. “I love him more than my life.”

Kazuya stood motionless against the wall as he looked down at Josh with an incredulous look on his face. “No…” he slurred, shaking his head slightly. “You’re lying.” His voice was feeble and his face showed everything of what he was feeling inside right now. And he was doubting all of what he had heard three years ago, he was recalling and hurting from what he had said and done to Jin, he was… stupid. Did all this really happen? How could… really? Jin didn’t love him, Jin never did… then why was Josh lying to him right now? Why was he making him feel even worse than he already felt?!

“You’re definitely lying.” Kazuya said with a stronger voice though the tears and fear in his eyes told Josh the contrary. He was just being afraid to admit that this had indeed happened.

“Yeah, the whole world is lying and you’re the saint one.” Josh spitted the words and took a step back to let Kazuya fall in his hands, catching him and throwing him on the floor with his entire power. “If you’d use your head, you’ll realize by yourself what is the real truth.” He added, turning his back on Kazuya and wanting to leave. “Oh,” he then seemed to remember something, turning only his head to look at the boy still sprawled on the floor with a threatening smile, “and I mean it. Stay away from Jin.” Were his last words before leaving Kazuya’s apartment.

Kazuya looked at the shut door for a couple of minutes before everything came down crashing on him, the consequences of his actions hitting him hard and without mercy. What had he done? Three years of his life he had thought Jin considered him just a mere fuck, a person he could discard anytime. And now he was told that Jin actually loved him, that all of those words were just what he had felt in the beginning before their relationship had evolved. And all this just after he had made sure to destroy everything that had been between them, after he had hurt Jin on purpose. How was he supposed to live now? How was he supposed to love Jin and stay away from him knowing all he had done, knowing he had hurt him the most? No, he couldn’t.

He’ll have to beg for forgiveness to Jin, he’ll have to straighten things up, he needed to do something, anything… otherwise, he’ll lose Jin forever. Fuck! Why had he been so stupid?! Why couldn’t he have stopped back then and asked him? Why didn’t he listen to Yuuya’s advice and asked Jin about all this? Why, why, why?!

Because he was stupid and stubborn. But he’ll do anything to win Jin back, just like the older one had done up till now. He just won’t give up.

*

He was still feeling angry. Nothing that he did seemed to calm him down, so Josh decided that he needed to do one more thing before settling down. Kazuya wasn’t the only one guilty for Jin’s pain, he wasn’t the only one that had kept quiet about what happened that morning. If someone would have told Jin what was the boy’s reason for leaving, he would have realized that it was all a mistake and a misunderstanding. But the thought of him being the one to push Kazuya away had never crossed his mind because he didn’t think he had said something wrong on that fateful morning. Even if Josh had accused him of being crazy and Jin had admitted that he had only wanted Kazuya for fun at beginning, he had also said that he had changed and he had fallen in love with him.

Kazuya was his first love.

No, Jin wouldn’t have been able to think that his words had been the reason for Kazuya’s leaving when the only thing he had done was to love the boy and try to protect him. In a way, he was too stupid to think of it, but in another way he could also be considered too pure and naïve for this.

Josh parked his car and didn’t bother to lock it as he knew that his visit will be short here too, as it had been at Kazuya’s. He took the elevator and waited impatiently for it to reach one of the top floors before exiting it and going to the door furthest from it. He knocked on it - more like kicked it with his foot - not caring about the scandal he was creating or about the consequences of his actions. He had always had this bad habit to react on impulse and maybe that was why he was such a good friend with Jin. Both lacked the brain when they really needed it.

“What the hell do you -“ Ryo started with an angry tone as he opened the door, but Josh didn’t give him time either to say something else. He punched the director and watched with an enormous satisfaction as the other one fell to the floor, not even knowing what hit him.

“Next time,” Josh started, stepping inside the apartment and kicking Ryo once more, “when a pretty boy like Kamenashi comes to you and says what a bastard your best friend is, try to ask that stupid idiot if he really is guilty or not!!” he yelled at the ending, not being able to hold himself back anymore.

“What?” Ryo asked with a small voice, the fear leaving him frozen and incapable of doing more. Kazuya? Jin? What was all of this about?

“You make me sick.” Josh said instead of replying to Ryo’s question or giving further explanations. “You preferred to trust a stranger than to believe in your best friend.” He continued with hate in his voice, turning around to leave and stopping in the door’s frame. “Jin was talking to me that morning when Kamenashi left.” He then added, knowing that Ryo won’t need anything more than this and leaving the apartment in a hurry.

Ryo’s world clashed for a second time.

*

Kazuya glanced nervously at his manager as he fidgeted on his chair, feeling his heart beat faster and his palms sweat a lot. Unlike his star, the manager was quite calm as he was checking the schedule and browsing through some files. Suddenly, Kazuya stood up and began to pace, making him chuckle.

“Relax, Kame-chan.” Tanaka Koki said as his eyes settled on the still moving form of Kazuya’s. “It’s going to be okay, no one is going to eat you out there.” He snickered and Kazuya let out a soft whimper.

“I’ve never been on stage, I’d rather be backstage, really.” The younger actor said with a frantic voice as he stopped in front of his manager, looking desperate. And really, he had other problems he needed to solve right now. After finding out the truth from Josh, Kazuya really needed to talk with Jin, to make his wrong doings right, to apologize for all he had said, for being the big and stupid jerk that he had been. Oh god, if he had known… Kazuya closed his eyes. No, it wasn’t the time to think about this right now! But if Jin had been home before he had been forced to go to this show, then maybe he could have cleared everything. But Jin hadn’t been and he was now on standby, waiting to be called on stage and interrogated about Ryo’s new movie and his role as an actor.

“You’ll be just fine. Just take a deep breath and relax.” Koki patted his hand, trying to calm down his super anxious star. Kazuya was a good boy, he was polite, beautiful and had everything one needed to succeed. It was just sometimes he lacked confidence and probably someone to support him. Yes, the boy was very dependent on those around him and he had seen this in the way he and Ryo had interacted. Though it was strange how the director hadn’t been so close lately with his star, letting Kazuya mostly with Koki and all he had to say to the younger boy was passed through him. Maybe they had had a fight, everyone had one once in a while, but Kazuya was really dependent on people and maybe if Ryo had said anything to him, he wouldn’t be now pacing around like a spinning wheel.

“Oh, Tanaka-san, why does it take so long?” Kazuya suddenly whined as he posted himself once more in front of Koki who sighed.

“Kame-chan, why don’t you play by your name and be slow like a turtle?” Koki smiled sweetly though you could notice the slight warning he was offering to the boy. He had gotten to care about this young actor, especially seeing how professional he was and how hard working he was towards everything that he was made to do. It had irked him at first, his over politeness, but in the end, Kazuya had won his heart through his workaholic self and his silly one that he rarely showed. He was a cute kid and Koki felt like a hen whenever around him, but sometimes, Kazuya just needed a firm hand to slow him down.

The young actor pouted at his manager, but did as told and resumed his place on the chair, trying to control himself by making the character for person in his hand and swallowing it after. Koki found this amusing as he returned to his files.

Twenty minutes later, Kazuya was called on stage and everything started, the younger boy looking all impeccable and maybe a tad nervous, but he was still as charming and polite as ever. The hosts were delighted by his presence and as they started filming, they turned towards the camera.

“Tonight, we have the main star of Nishikido Ryo-san’s movie ‘Fall sky’, Kamenashi Kazuya-san!”

Kazuya bowed towards the camera, clearly saying “Please take care of me.” Everyone around applauded and the young actor felt his heart rush a bit at this sensation. There was this feeling of satisfaction, of pleasure that made him feel more important than he was. It felt great being on stage too.

“So, Kamenashi-san… we heard a lot about this new movie, but what’s more exactly about?” One of the hosts asked and a nervous smiling Kazuya nodded at the question.

“Well, unlike any others of Nishikido-san’s movies, this one reaches out a romantic string where maybe each one of us could find ourselves in it. It’s about a couple that got separated for many years, leaving a child behind. The father, Miroku Tsuchiya -”

“Your character, I believe.” The host interrupted and Kazuya quickly nodded.

“Yes, he had taken the child, since the mother, Sayaka Tsuchiya - ”

“Your co-star, Kashino Keiko.” Again he was interrupted, Kazuya once more agreeing with a smile.

“Yes, she left without a trace. Well, the story revolves around the mystery of Sayaka’s leaving and there are a lot of themes like family, love, trust and many others discussed and presented in this movie. I, for one, I am honored to be working with Nishikido-san, also I am grateful for this role.” Kazuya continued and bowed towards the camera to show his gratitude.

“Tell us more about your role.” The polite demand came and Kazuya started to talk about Miroku and how he had envisioned him and what meant playing such a suffering character. He soon relaxed and was more at ease with the questions the hosts kept asking, now his anxiety forgotten.

“But I’m quite surprised such a young actor like you had managed to get the main role in a movie directed by Nishikido-san!” One of the hosts exclaimed and Kazuya pretended to be embarrassed by this sudden question.

“I was surprised myself too.” The boy said with a humble voice as the hosts looked at him eagerly, wanting to know more, but Kazuya had been warned beforehand that he was not supposed to talk about such matters and that he should be as evasive as he could. “I am still honored that I got accepted and I hope my acting won’t fail the producers and the public as well.” Kazuya smiled charmingly and everyone took it that he will stop at this.

“Well, Kamenashi-san, you sure are a very talented young man and I’m sure everyone is anxious to see you acting.” The host said and Kazuya thanked them through a slight bow. “Now, moving on from actors to singers, tonight we have a special guest, our international star whose single will be out on 21st October and we know you all have been waiting!” He laughed and the audience stirred, looking thrilled. “We bring you - Akanishi Jin-san!”

Everybody cheered, the camera rolled and turned towards the singer that was smiling as he entered the stage, no one noticing that the young actor Kamenashi Kazuya was frozen to his spot and beyond shock. Who would’ve thought he’d meet Jin in such a place?

“Akanishi-san, please sit right here.” The female host indicated Jin the spot next to Kazuya and the singer just glanced at Kazuya with the same smile plastered on his lips before taking a seat and turning to the woman to answer her questions. He didn’t turn back to look at his ex-lover not even for one second after that, though he had kept joking with the others guests through the whole interview and laughed with the woman who kept on asking him about his new single.

“So I really hope that everyone will enjoy this song.” Jin finally concluded the interview, making a bow towards the camera and keeping on smiling. Though he didn’t expect the host to want to go even further than this.

“There were some rumors, “ she started and Jin forced himself to keep the smile on his lips as he was already sure that he won’t like this, “that Akanishi-san and Kamenashi-san were friends or at least knew each other.” She said, now looking at the both of them and waiting for an answer from either one of them.

It became obvious why they had made them sit next to each other.

Kazuya’s heart skipped a beat at this sudden and unexpected question, not really knowing that there had been this kind of rumors flying around. But of course, a lot of people had seen the two of them at the studio and it was natural that something like this would happen. Yet the thought never occurred his mind, since he never got used to this celebrity thing. And he was sure Jin hadn’t either, but…

They both answered in the same, but it wasn’t the same reply, as Kazuya confirmed and Jin denied that they knew each other. The public fell silent at their disagreement and Jin tried to keep his heart from bleeding as he finally turned a little to look at Kazuya, locking their eyes as he spoke: “Am I supposed to know you?”

Kazuya hadn’t expected such an outcome and neither the indifferent tone Jin used when he talked to him. He wanted to disappear in that instant, but instead he forced himself to smile a bit, looking embarrassed as his eyes lowered and then lifted back to meet Jin’s. And how cold everything was all of a sudden. “I’m sorry… we worked together a few years ago. I was his assistant back then.” Kazuya explained as he broke their eye contact, looking at the other people, his cheeks a bit colored. “But I was only his assistant for a short time and it’s been a while since we last saw each other, so…” He tried to explain further, but he stopped knowing that he was embarrassing himself even more. Not that it counted that much seeing as he hurt more because Jin had publicly dismissed his presence in his life. Well, he kind of deserved it, no?

“Hmm…” Jin seemed to muse upon his words, like he was trying to remember from where he should know Kazuya. “Oh, I know!” he suddenly exclaimed, startling everyone with his high pitched voice. “You were the one who refused to be my friend!” he then laughed, looking proud of himself that he had managed to remember.

“He refused to be your friend?” the host asked quickly, sensing that something must have happened between them to make the young actor say such a thing.

“Can you believe that?” Jin pouted cutely and turned to look again at the host. “He was such a shy and responsible person back then, he said that he can’t be my friend because our worlds are too different and that I’d forget about him as soon as I leave Japan.” He then stopped, like he had just realized something. “Oh, well, he seems he was right after all.” Jin laughed of his own joke and the host forced a laugh too, though the others looked like they didn’t get it.

Kazuya smiled all the time, but he really didn’t feel like smiling. Actually, he was feeling like crying and letting everyone know that he was a jerk and that he had hurt Jin so much to the extent of being erased from his life. But he couldn’t do that, not to Jin or Ryo. So he kept smiling, trying to pretend that nothing from Jin said had truly bothered him. But he couldn’t speak anymore, he just couldn’t bring himself to say anything so he just let the host and Jin talk and laugh. So this was what a star meant to be - a person unable to express your true feelings.

But he wasn’t that lucky tonight, because the host seemed very interested in their strange relationship. “So, Kamenashi-san and Akanishi-san never had any sort of relationship except of that of an employer and employee?” She asked earnestly, cameras focusing on them. Tonight seemed to be a little more interesting.

Kazuya glanced quickly at Jin, not knowing what to answer to this and not wanting to create another commotion like earlier. And he just knew that Jin was going to say no again and he didn’t want to lie anymore. He had done it enough for a lifetime.

“Well, not really.” Jin shrugged like it wasn’t that important for him. “I only came recently to Japan so I just found out that Ryo-chan is the director of the movie Kamenashi-san is acting for, so I have the feeling that we’ll become friends quickly this time.” He winked at the woman and smiled at the cameras. “Neee?” he prolonged the word as he now turned to look at Kazuya with his head tilted, big and round puppy eyes studying the figure in front of him.

Kazuya smiled and nodded his head, feeling like he was ripped piece by piece by this fake Jin he was having in front of him. And out on a whim, he decided to do this - he touched Jin’s arm in a pat as he looked at the hosts. “We’ll become good friends.”

Jin stiffened under his touch and hurried to pull his hand away, smiling cutely at the host to cover his reaction. Luckily, he was saved by the show’s staff. “Stand-by?” he chuckled as he noticed the sign posted in front of them. It seemed that the woman had gotten too interested in their relationship and had forgotten about this small detail.

She smiled embarrassed and presented Jin’s new song to the audience as the singer got ready for it. He sat on the chair prepared for him and looked around him, at the audience waiting anxiously for him to sing and the band waiting for his cue to start playing. But he couldn’t. Something seemed to be stuck in his throat and as his eyes landed on Kazuya, he knew what it was.

“This song,” Jin started with an uncertain voice, knowing that the show’s staff will kill him for delaying this much, “was written by a good friend of mine, Ueda Tatsuya.” He said with a smile, now looking at the crowd but not seeing anyone but Kazuya. He had been excited at first when he had heard that he’ll be present at Kazuya’s first interview on TV, but now… he had been dreading this moment for the past few days. “When I read the lyrics, I didn’t really understand them and they seemed a little too deep for me to sing about such a love.” He revealed and a small smile appeared on his lips, his eyes still locked with the younger’s. “They seemed far away and I wanted to change them, to sing about a happier love, but he stopped me and told me that even I will feel this way someday. Maybe even sooner than I think.” He laughed and he expected another laugh in return but it never came. “But now I understand. And I feel happy for this because now I can sing this song to you with my whole being. Now that I understand them…” he stopped and took a deep breath as his eyes closed for a second, “I can feel free.” He finished with a nod and waited for the music to start playing.

He closed his eyes and approached the microphone even more, whispering into it a small “Goodbye.” before starting to sing and letting himself trapped into the song’s lyrics and his own feelings.

You were the first to say

That we were not okay,

You were the first to lie

When we were not alright,

This was my first love

She was the first to go

And when she left me for you

I was the last to know…**

Notes:
* - Confucius
** - Last to know, by Three Days Grace