Addictive Obsession - Chapter fifteen [part II]

[aroruae]

PART I

Even if it only took him ten minutes to get to Kazuya’s apartment, Jin felt like an eternity had passed and that it was already too late to find him there. His heart was beating fast when he finally reached the door and knocked onto it, ringing the doorbell in the same time and shouting Kazuya’s name.

“Kazuya, answer me!”

It took several shouts and lots of knocking before Kazuya finally opened the door and let Jin in without even saying a thing. There was nothing in his eyes as he came across with Jin’s figure and he didn’t have a reason to speak to him. He had waited for Jin to come after him immediately but apparently the older had taken his time and after half an hour, he remembered Kazuya. Well, if Jin didn’t care, why should he care?!

Jin tried to calm himself down, but the guilt and the fast beating of his heart that took care to remember him how much Kazuya meant to him were doing their trick and Jin felt the words of anger stuck in his throat. Instead, he just followed Kazuya in the living room, watching him with unsure eyes. “Kazuya?” he called the younger, not knowing how to act or… react.

“What? You came to apologize?” Kazuya asked, his tone cold and sharp. “Apologies taken. Now you can leave.” He added as he took a place on the sofa, looking almost relaxed if not for the tight clasp of his hands.

“Well then, I didn’t come here to apologize.” Jin replied, shrugging a little. He looked at Kazuya who cocked an eyebrow with an expression that said excuse-me?! and Jin gulped. “So I don’t need to leave, right?” he then asked, a little unsure and afraid of what his actions will lead to, but determined to make Kazuya talk, one way or another. He wasn’t that good with receiving the cold shoulder.

“Or so you think.” Kazuya said darkly, the fierce emotion in his brown eyes not really a good sign. “Then you came to demand an apology for my kiss with Ueda?” he smiled, licking his lips as if he remembered something. The expression he had was the cruelest Kazuya could display - it shouted that he had enjoyed the kiss with his friend.

“Don’t push it, Kazuya.” Jin hissed through gritted teeth, his eyes piercing into Kazuya’s. “I came to explain what really happened.” He then added quickly, taking a seat next to the younger and smiling with an innocent expression which wanted to tell that he didn’t do anything.

“Push what?” Kazuya chuckled lowly, dangerously. “My tongue in Ueda’s mouth?” he asked as innocently as Jin was doing. “Sorry, already done that.” He shrugged as if there wasn’t a turning back and neither did he feel sorry.

“So what, did it feel that good to kiss Ueda?” Jin finally snapped, leaving the couch and looking at Kazuya from above with a menacing gaze. Then he smirked. “I should know that the best, seeing as I’ve been fucking him for a whole month.” He then shrugged, turning his back on Kazuya and taking a few steps away from him, heading to the table and sitting on a chair while fetching his packet of cigars from his pocket.

Hearing this, Kazuya’s expression totally changed. There wasn’t anymore disdain, it was pure murdering desire written on his face. His eyes darkened with fury and his body emanated an aura that dared Jin to repeat those words. “Yeah, you should know.” He said through gritted teeth, then his face relaxed as if a good idea stroke him. “And maybe I should go and find out too how it feels to fuck with Ueda.” Kazuya said with a smile as if it was such a wonderful idea and to add more fuel to the fire, he fished out his phone and began to search through it. “I’ll text him and ask.”

“You do that, but I don’t really think he’ll accept though.” Jin shrugged again, lightening his cigar and taking a long puff. “He just came to my house to tell me that he’s in love with me.” He added on the same nonchalant tone, like he didn’t care about what the younger did. He had never known that he had so much self-control.

And such a truth had hurt Kazuya more than he had expected, not that he’d show it of course. But it made him even deadlier in his desire to take revenge on Jin. His eyes narrowed and scoffed. “Then you should go to him since he loves you so much.” Kazuya replied, letting his phone on the couch slowly, though he had at first wanted to throw it at Jin’s head. “I’m sure I’ll find someone else to supply me with drugs and sex. There’s plenty of fish in the water.” He chuckled grimly, when in fact he felt like crying and shouting.

Jin rolled his eyes, starting to get annoyed by this whole thing. He put out his cigar and raised himself from the chair, coming closer to Kazuya and stopping in front of him. “I don’t want to go to Ueda, I want to stay here, with you, because you’re the one I love.” He first said with a calm voice, his eyes expressing his feelings. But then they changed and darkened, his voice sounding cold and composed this time. “And you won’t go to others as long as I’m here.” He added, his tone clearly saying that he’ll kill anyone who dared to touch or even get close to Kazuya. Ueda was one thing and Jin could forgive this because he had been the one to kiss the older one first. But other men or women… they won’t have the same luck.

“Oh, please, give me a break.” Kazuya said, turning his eyes away from Jin. It was kind of hard to believe in words of love when all he could see was Jin kissing Ueda. “And I’ll go to every-fucking-one since you have no shame in going around and fuck my friend just to show you can!” he turned again to look at Jin, feeling the rage pumping through his veins. Kazuya didn’t like it when it hurt, not because of such thing called love. And now… he was hurting like hell and it was because of the person in front of him, because of this stupid Jin who still considered him his property.

“Kazuya…” Jin sighed and lowered his body to sit on his knees in front of the younger, his hands on the boys’ knees and his eyes looking at him with gentleness and understanding. But his words were cold, no matter how loving his eyes seemed, even if they were honest and from the bottom of his heart. “I haven’t seen Ueda since we’ve got back together.” Something seemed to change in Jin and his tone became a little more caring. “Not since you have become my lover.” He added with a smile, feeling somehow proud that he was allowed to use this word when it came to Kazuya. “Ueda came to my apartment and he got… a little rushed.” He explained, not knowing how to say it better that Ueda had practically jumped on Jin, not giving him time to even think. “He kissed me, I answered, that was all.” Jin continued, wanting to be honest as always but having no idea what he had just said. “So stop acting like a baby and make up with me.” He then demanded on a firm and somehow bored tone.

“That was all.” Kazuya stated with a hollow voice. “That was fucking all!!” he raised his voice and pushed Jin’s hands from his knees. He didn’t want to feel his touch, he didn’t want to see the bastard!! “Sure! Why not? Just a simple kiss between you and my friend! Of course, it’s not that much of a deal, it’s just a fucking kiss. That’s all, right?!!” he began to shout, not realizing when all his control had gone loose and his rage had finally surfaced. He was throwing daggers from his eyes as he looked at Jin, little close to almost going and hitting him. “Then I should fucking go and kiss someone else too!” he laughed and got up from the couch. He couldn’t stay still. “Yeah! How will that feel?? It will be that’s all right?!” he asked Jin, his body trembling and his fists clenched.

“No, it won’t be!” Jin shouted too, getting up from the floor and looking at Kazuya with the same angered expression. “Kazuya, if you dare to go to someone else…” he said through gritted teeth, now really trying to contain his anger, “I’ll kill that son of a bitch in front of you. And I’ll make you do it.” Jin threatened, grabbing Kazuya’s arms and bringing him close to his body.

“Fuck off! It should be alright since it’s just a kiss!!” Kazuya yelled and tried to escape Jin’s hold, but only managing to make the grip tighter. “You can go and kiss around but I don’t have the right?! Who the fuck do you think you are?” he snarled, digging his nails into Jin’s chest, in the place his heart was beating. “Kill whoever you want, just make sure I won’t kill you too!” Kazuya threatened too, his eyes burning with fury.

“You won’t kill me.” Jin stated with confidence. “As I won’t kill you either.” He added, his eyes boring into Kazuya’s and seeming to not notice the anger and the hurt that was written into them. He couldn’t see those feelings, not when he was still wondering what the hell did he do wrong?! From what he could remember, Kazuya had never said that he loved Jin, not even that he liked him! So who gave him the right to get angry and jealous at Ueda just because Jin had kissed him?! He had never even shown that he wanted Jin to be only his - maybe because there hadn’t been an opportunity, but that didn’t matter! - and now he wanted to kill him? Then be my guest and see if you can, Jin thought bitterly. But he knew that Kazuya would get mad if he said something like this, so the older tried another approach.

He let go of Kazuya’s arms and sat back on the couch, looking from below at him with a calm expression. “But do it. Do whatever it takes for you to forgive me and let go of this stupid shit.” He snarled with annoyance, stretching himself on the couch and waiting.

Kazuya left the room without any more words and returned after a few moments holding a kitchen knife in his hands. He looked at Jin calmly and smiled. “Then should I offer you the same treatment you gave to me when you misunderstood that kiss?” he asked sweetly and pointed with the sharp blade at the small scar from his face.

Jin looked from the knife to Kazuya’s eyes a few times until he settled them on the boy. “Whatever it takes for you to forgive me.” He repeated his words, not flinching or giving any sign that he would be scared of what could Kazuya do. He seemed blank and the night that he gave that scar to his lover came back into his mind, haunting him and making his heart ache for what he did.

No, he didn’t have any right to deny Kazuya anything. The only thing he could do was to stay there and receive his punishment. He still didn’t consider a big deal that he kissed Ueda - and still not getting why was Kazuya so mad, considering that he didn’t love Jin and the older was convinced that the feeling of jealousy could only come from love - but he knew that he had made a mistake by doing this and he also felt guilty for giving that scar to Kazuya.

“Come.” He added, raising his hand and stretching it towards Kazuya, inviting him to cut and kill and do whatever he wanted to do to Jin.

“Don’t you think I’ll cut you in the same place.” Kazuya said and approached the older holding the knife up so that both could see it. “Unbutton your shirt.” He demanded, looking at Jin with burning eyes, ready to hurt. He’ll hurt him because he was hurting too and this was the only way to make him feel a little better, to make him think that he was getting payback for everything Jin had done to him, though now the most cruelest thing was that kiss shared with Ueda. He never thought he’d witness such a scene or that Jin might betray him like that. At first, it didn’t matter whom Jin fucked or not, kissed or not, but now… Kazuya thought they had changed, that things between them were different, that they were lovers. He had believed so even though he doubted such a relationship between the two of them was possible or that he was finally accepting Jin. But the older one had made him see that he had been wrong and there was no such thing as love or if it was, there weren’t happy feelings that came with it, just pain and despair. Because right now, even as he wanted to hurt the man in front of him, Kazuya was agonizing… he wasn’t like this, not a cold blooded person even if he pretended to be so. And such thing hurt - only because of Jin.

Jin just obeyed Kazuya’s command and got rid completely of his shirt, throwing it on the floor and looking with expectant eyes at the younger. He had to admit that he had never thought Kazuya would retort to such measures, he really didn’t seem the kind to do things like these - totally different from Jin - but it seemed that he had been wrong, how he had been in a lot of things concerning Kazuya. He sighed and just settled down on the couch better, now lying down, his left leg bent up and his right hand hanging down next to the couch.

Kazuya scoffed at the diva like position that Jin took and went to him slowly as he was dreading the moment he was supposed to do this. But the image of Jin kissing Ueda - shirtless on top! now that he remembered - flashed in front of his eyes and he reinforced his determination with fury and anger. He’ll never forgive Jin for such betrayal, he’ll make sure that the other will suffer equally as him or even more. So he slipped a leg between Jin and the couch, straddling the other as he was ready to plunge that knife into his body, not to simply cut it. Kazuya leaned forward, the knife did as well, stopping a little above Jin’s chest, where his heart was beating.

“Do you realize I could kill you right now?” he whispered looking at the older, ice and fire in his eyes. “I could get away from you…” Kazuya added and he came to realize that there was a hungry Kazuya inside of him, one that yearned to make the others suffer, to make others bleed and hurt just like he had many years. And he had been suppressed for so long.

“But you won’t.” Jin stated with the same confidence and maybe arrogance that he had said the same words earlier, facing Kazuya’s look and not being afraid of what could come. He was certain that Kazuya couldn’t kill him, not now, not ever, exactly how Jin couldn’t kill him either. He smirked and raised his left hand to cup the younger’s cheek. “You wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t mean something to you.” He said, brushing his fingers on the boy’s skin and playing with the strands of hair that came falling on his face.

And only now he realized, when he looked deeply into Kazuya’s eyes, that maybe… maybe the younger loved him too.

“Shut up.” Kazuya hissed, closing his eyes for a bit, losing himself in that touch. He hated Jin for making him do this, he hated him for making him realize that there was such a weak and evil Kazuya in him. “I’ll carve my name into your heart so that you won’t forget whom you belong to.” Kazuya whispered and he pushed slowly the tip of the knife into Jin’s skin until tiny drops of red began to prickle down on the skin. The crimson tainted his eyes and he continued to slit the skin, hurting Jin, hurting himself too. And, maybe, because of the pain he didn’t realize that he had said the words closest to a confession of love, the closest ones he’ll ever say.

Jin also closed his eyes, not showing if he was really feeling the knife cutting his skin or if he was simply blocking off the pain. “Your name had been carved into my heart since the moment I saw you.” Jin whispered, the suffering finally showing itself in his voice. He was breathing now a little faster, maddened by the excitement and the fear and all the possibilities that they had at hand. He slowly opened his eyes, looking at Kazuya and curling his lips up a little. His hand hadn’t left the younger’ cheek, even if it was becoming impossible to just keep it there and not bury his fingers into the boy’s flesh in a desperate attempt to lessen the pain. His body shivered with spasms and his heart started beating a lot faster under the knife’s blade.

Jin’s eyes found Kazuya’s and he tried to smile a little more. “I’m only yours.” He breathed, hard and incontrollable. “I belong only to you.” He added, now really smiling, his eyes glowing and ignoring the pain, just concentrating on the bliss of having Kazuya.

“Fuck you…” Kazuya said with a strangled voice and stopped from cutting any further and threw the knife away, disgusted by his own actions. He pushed away Jin’s trembling hand and got off him, staring down at Jin with mixed feelings. He had only carved a K but the sight of it wasn’t pretty, the slits bleeding and all. And the funny part of it was that Kazuya wasn’t regretting that much, though he felt sick because of what he had done. He turned his back to Jin and left the room, coming back with antiseptic to clean the wound. “When have I turned into a replica of yours…” Kazuya muttered as he dipped some cotton with the medicine. He looked at Jin and stopped before he would clean the wound. “Are you alright?” he asked with a worried voice. It was already déjà-vu.

But Jin just smiled as he raised himself, supporting his body into his elbow, using his other hand to bring Kazuya closer and kiss his forehead, closing his eyes as he did so. He detached himself a little from Kazuya and smiled again, only that it seemed a little saddened this time. “I’m sorry.” He whispered with a tiny voice, not daring to look into the younger’s eyes. “The only thing I seem to know is how to hurt you, not to love you as I’ve promised.” He laughed a bitter laugh and raised his body even more to change his position, hissing at the pain but not being really bothered by it. Kazuya had made that scar, he had been the one to hurt Jin. And the older felt like it was alright as long as it was him.

“Lay down, stupid!” Kazuya rose and pushed Jin back onto the couch. “Let me treat it first!” he hissed, not sure of how deep he had slit the skin, he had no recollection or whatsoever of what he had done, only the feelings that had overwhelmed him; the rest was pure blank. Kazuya grabbed the cotton again and began to rinse the blood around the cuts, looking at Jin every time the older hissed because of the pain. Kazuya’s eyes were saying sorry even if his mouth was curved down, a small pout of worry forming around his lips. After cleaning all the blood, Kazuya collected the red cotton and went to throw it into a bin, returning with some bandages to cover the K mark. But before he’d put it over, he leaned and placed a kiss on the burning skin.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered against it, inhaling the antiseptic he had applied on.

Jin shivered, a new wave of feelings coming towards him and letting him defenseless once again on front of Kazuya. He looked at him, at the way his lips touched his skin and his breath send tickles of air above it, gulping once and trying to not let this image arouse him. He let his head fall back, now not looking at Kazuya and just staring at the ceiling, counting the invisible spots that he could now see because of the pain.

“Only that you don’t feel sorry.” He said with a defeated voice, perfectly knowing how was the younger feeling because he had experienced the same thing himself. He wasn’t sorry even now for the cut that he had given Kazuya, but he was feeling guilty and regretting it even if that didn’t mean that he would have done anything differently if given the chance. “But it’s okay.” he added, breathing deeply and trying to control his full of sorrow voice. “I understand.” He said, looking again at Kazuya and smiling a little while he stretched his hand once again to claim Kazuya’s.

Kazuya looked hurt at Jin, it wasn’t like that. He was feeling sorry, but he was more disgusted about what he did that he didn’t have a right to say he was sorry anymore. He looked down at the tainted sofa and sighed. Look what he had done, he had cut a person, he had resorted to such actions to show that he was hurt, that Jin had managed to really hurt him. And this meant that he cared for Jin more than he had expected? No, Kazuya was still in denial, he couldn’t possibly care for Jin… or even love him. But he took the hand the older had extended to him, though he really didn’t want to. It would be better if he was alone right now.

Jin entwined their hands and brought Kazuya down, to come sit next to him, both of them now lying on the couch and staring into each other’s eyes. Jin let his gaze travel on the younger’s face, engraving each trait of it in his mind, smiling slightly as memories of each time he had kissed and caressed them flashed in front of his eyes. He used his free hand to touch the younger’s cheek, moving it up to ruffle his hair a little as Jin closed his eyes a bit and sighed happily.

The wound still hurt and his position didn’t help either, but Jin felt happy to be there with Kazuya and know that this wasn’t their end, that as sick as they might become, they would still be there for each other. He was certain now that Kazuya was feeling something for him, something more than the younger let to be seen. It was love, Jin was positive, and he swore in that moment to never doubt Kazuya again.

“You’re so beautiful.” He said with a small voice, like he was afraid that someone might hear them, letting his fingers brush against the thin and now almost invisible line that had once been Jin’s act of madness. He looked once more into Kazuya’s eyes and gulped, seeming unsure and almost innocent. Kazuya seemed a little different than usual, Jin mused, but he quickly decided that it was because he had seen Jin kissing Ueda. The older couldn’t stop the feeling of happiness from bursting out only at the thought that Kazuya had been jealous.

“I’m alright, babe, and I deserved it.” Jin continued with the same whispered tone, getting a little closer to Kazuya and slightly pecking his lips. They still had the bitter taste of antiseptic, but Jin found himself to not care at all, the strawberry taste and scent being a lot more powerful for him. “Please forgive me, I was a fool for letting Ueda kiss me.” He added, kissing him again and slowly sucking on his lower lip.

Kazuya whimpered in their kiss, closing his eyes and thinking that they were the protagonists of a sick love story, one that will make them to drive each other crazy, forgetting about everything except their sick relationship. Jin was making him so weak, was showing him the dark side he had so long kept under control and hidden, Kazuya was afraid of what effect or power Jin had over his self. He brought his hands to Jin’s shoulder, holding onto them lightly, afraid to do more or he’ll end up hurting again. Because the desire of hurting Jin was still there and now that he had acknowledged it, it will definitely be more difficult to control it. “Jin…” Kazuya said on a trembling voice. He was surrendering himself once more to Jin. Was this addiction?

Jin opened his eyes with a lazy move, keeping them half-closed and gazing at Kazuya through them. He smiled as he claimed once more the younger’s lips, this time into a bit more forceful kiss, pushing his tongue deep into Kazuya’s mouth, sucking on the younger’s and teasing it with gentle and slow bites, playing with his lips and ending the kiss with a peck. “I belong to you.” Jin repeated his words from earlier, wanting to prove Kazuya that he had meant it and that he could do whatever he wanted with Jin, that he could act with him exactly how Jin acted with Kazuya.

He won’t blame Kazuya for it. Instead, he’ll be grateful to him.

Kazuya sighed and let his head fall down on Jin’s shoulder, his breath a little uneven. He felt that today’s event had crushed on him greatly, leaving him empty and numb. But Jin was there, beside him, telling him sweet words once more, entrancing him again. “I hate you for kissing Ueda in front of me.” He whispered and the burning rage flashed again, making Kazuya bite Jin on the shoulder. “I hate you even more for sleeping with him and even like it.” He continued, now his hands on Jin’s back, nails digging hard into the skin. “But I hate you the most when you make me feel all this.” Kazuya whispered into Jin’s ear, biting its ear lob while his hands climbed up, leaving red marks behind them. They clutched into Jin’s hair and pulled on it hard, making the older let his head back, now facing Kazuya. “I hate you so much…” the younger whispered before crushing their mouths together, forcing his tongue inside Jin’s mouth and taking what was his. He ravished Jin’s lips, biting, licking and sucking on them, not caring if it hurt or if it bleed, he wanted to possess and he’ll be damned if he’ll do otherwise.

Jin answered to the kiss with the same passion, copying each move of Kazuya’s and returning it doubled but still letting the younger control the kiss, control him. He didn’t touch him, he just let himself be abused by Kazuya’s hands and mouth, submitting to him like a slave did to his master or like a lover did to the one he couldn’t live without. He whimpered and gasped when Kazuya’s moves became too forceful and hurting and he moaned into their kiss at the pleasure that the treatment brought to him.

“I hate you too.” Jin whispered against Kazuya’s lips, feeling like he won’t hold much longer until he’d jump on the younger. “I hate how you make me lose control like this.” He continued and bit on Kazuya’s lower lip hard, making it bleed. He sucked the blood and kissed him again like there was no tomorrow, like this was their last kiss and he wanted it to be unforgettable. “I hate that you kissed Ueda too.” He added, now raising from the couch just enough to straddle Kazuya and kiss him again, wanting to erase every trace of Ueda, of his scent and taste and everything.

“Then don’t stop hating me.” Kazuya moaned, pulling Jin closer, wanting the same thing as Jin - to erase the presence of Ueda between the two of them. “And I won’t stop hating you too.” He added with a sigh against Jin’s lips, his eyes never leaving the older one’s. Was this love?

Maybe it was, Jin would have answered, because as much as he said that he hated Kazuya, he knew that this wasn’t the truth and that even these words make him fall in love with Kazuya even more. “I won’t stop.” He replied, not moving from their closeness and just staying there, gazing into Kazuya’s eyes and loving what he found there. “Never.” He added with a hint of a smile, his lips curling up against Kazuya’s, making the other also smile. “I’m too obsessed to let you go.” He chuckled, remembering that Kazuya had once said this thing. “And I’m too trapped into your spell to be able to be with someone else now, Kazuya.”

Somehow, it was weird that the younger was the one who always needed words of love, even if he hadn’t said anything yet about his own feelings for the other. But Jin kept on saying how much he loved him, sure that one day Kazuya might respond to his words. And maybe… that day was sooner than he would have expected.

“I must be crazy but…” Kazuya whispered, a weird gleam in his eyes. “…but if you’re obsessed, then I’m addicted.” And he kissed Jin’s lips, slowly, maddeningly, tasting them like it was his only drug and he had to try not to be hasty. Kazuya took his time in kissing Jin like that, tongue brushing lips, teeth nibbling on it, the shy but teasing moves as both of their mouths met and opened one for another. The younger took and gave in the same time. “If it’s you... I’m addicted, I’m out of control.” Kazuya breathed, trembling slightly as he caressed Jin’s cheek, as his eyes took in everything that Jin was. “Don’t let me fall.”

“I won’t.” Jin whispered and glued their lips once more to seal his promise. “I’ll keep you in my arms, I’ll crush you in my embrace.” He said as he did the same thing his words said, falling back on the couch and hugging Kazuya to his chest, using all of his strength and ignoring completely the pain that came with it when Kazuya’s body touched the mark that the younger had left on Jin’s heart. “I’ll kiss you until you won’t know anything but me.” He continued, crushing their mouths again into a slow kiss, just a brush of lips and no tongue. “And instead…” he detached himself a little to look into Kazuya’s eyes. “Let me be your only drug, your only desire to live.” He asked with a small voice, afraid that he’ll be rejected and in the same time certain that he had already won that spot in Kazuya’s heart. “Be by my side and don’t let me hurt you again. Hit me, kill me, do whatever you want, but stop me from hurting you, Kazuya.” He begged with a scared voice, the memories of him and his madness haunting and hurting Jin every time.

Kazuya said nothing, instead he cuddled next to Jin and placed a kiss on the other’s lips. “Alright.” He muttered after a while, thinking that maybe he wasn’t that wrong in surrendering to Jin, letting his emotions take the best out of him. But he couldn’t help either to question if this was a good idea seeming that he was getting addicted to Jin’s words, to Jin’s presence in his live. “I’ll kill you next time you go to someone else.” He breathed against Jin’s lips, his eyes boring into the other’s, warning and jealousy in them.

“There won’t be a next time.” Jin smiled and closed his eyes, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere that had fallen between the two of them. He kissed the younger’s forehead as Kazuya cuddled into his arms and sighed contently. No, there won’t be a next time. He’ll never let that happen again.

Not now when he knew that Kazuya loved him too.