(no subject)
Things that should be normal are hard for me and things that are not normal like studying or wanting to write a paper or staying late at work are not hard at all. I wonder why some people can just be so normal and others, like me, can never achieve it.
I try to be normal and level headed and not obsessive but that too is hard for me. Today an individual who had previously been my best friend, and a friend for over ten years, had her graduation party and didn't invite me. I shouldn't have been upset (as you can read my previous post about not having friends any more in Braintree) but I still was. The only reason I knew she was having a graduation party today was that my other previous best friend wrote she was going to it on her away message. A normal response would be fuck them, but my response is to feel bad and to clean out my closet, iron, and read an entire book (that is literally what I did today). I wish I could feel better about this. I know that it is for the better, I know that in the long run and even right now they aren't my true friends, but it still sucks.
The overpowering question though is what is wrong with me? Why did they suddenly decide they didn't want to be friends with me anymore? I don't understand. I have been trying to understand this too for such a long time. Am I so uninteresting and blah and boring and slutty and morose (all things they probably say about me) that they can no longer even stand to be around me? I am not writing this entry as a pity me I have no friends type of thing; I am really trying to grapple with what is wrong with me or what is wrong with them or what causes situations like this to occur.
Is this what inevitably happens with friends? Do people just tire of you and cease to care for you? I'm not one of those people who has the same friends they did in 1st grade, not even 6th grade or at this point 12th grade. These people seem to have fallen out of my life or we got in a fight or even worse than that absolutely nothing happened we just aren't friends anymore. How do I stop this, I wonder. How can I make my friends want to commit for the long haul and not just leave? It is quite perplexing.
I wonder if anyone ever studied friendship, see again this me finding a research topic in something being a completly abnormal dork, but really I wonder if studies exist that can assure me that it isn't just me, that it is human nature to tire of people. I hope that it isn't. I hope that at least for some people true bonds of friendship exist. In general, I am a bad judge of character in people. I want to believe that they really like me, or that they really didn't mean to hurt me or that my invitation really did get lost in the mail. I genuinely believe that my friends now are true friends and won't fall into the same wayside category as all the friends I've had before. But, as I said before, normal things like friendship just aren't that easy for me.
I try to be normal and level headed and not obsessive but that too is hard for me. Today an individual who had previously been my best friend, and a friend for over ten years, had her graduation party and didn't invite me. I shouldn't have been upset (as you can read my previous post about not having friends any more in Braintree) but I still was. The only reason I knew she was having a graduation party today was that my other previous best friend wrote she was going to it on her away message. A normal response would be fuck them, but my response is to feel bad and to clean out my closet, iron, and read an entire book (that is literally what I did today). I wish I could feel better about this. I know that it is for the better, I know that in the long run and even right now they aren't my true friends, but it still sucks.
The overpowering question though is what is wrong with me? Why did they suddenly decide they didn't want to be friends with me anymore? I don't understand. I have been trying to understand this too for such a long time. Am I so uninteresting and blah and boring and slutty and morose (all things they probably say about me) that they can no longer even stand to be around me? I am not writing this entry as a pity me I have no friends type of thing; I am really trying to grapple with what is wrong with me or what is wrong with them or what causes situations like this to occur.
Is this what inevitably happens with friends? Do people just tire of you and cease to care for you? I'm not one of those people who has the same friends they did in 1st grade, not even 6th grade or at this point 12th grade. These people seem to have fallen out of my life or we got in a fight or even worse than that absolutely nothing happened we just aren't friends anymore. How do I stop this, I wonder. How can I make my friends want to commit for the long haul and not just leave? It is quite perplexing.
I wonder if anyone ever studied friendship, see again this me finding a research topic in something being a completly abnormal dork, but really I wonder if studies exist that can assure me that it isn't just me, that it is human nature to tire of people. I hope that it isn't. I hope that at least for some people true bonds of friendship exist. In general, I am a bad judge of character in people. I want to believe that they really like me, or that they really didn't mean to hurt me or that my invitation really did get lost in the mail. I genuinely believe that my friends now are true friends and won't fall into the same wayside category as all the friends I've had before. But, as I said before, normal things like friendship just aren't that easy for me.