II
And so this is the long awaited sequel to "meow i'm a cat".
Lately, i've been spending a lot of time wondering exactly what it is i'm looking forward to, or what i plan on doing with my life. Everything seems to be so confusing. it seems the adjustment to life without having an everyday plan is harder than i thought it would be.
when i think about it. All the things i thought about when i was younger have dissipated into afterthoughts and what i'm left with his so confusing that i dont know how to begin. People hear this kind of stuff and are often quick to offer advice like "you such a great guy" and "you have so much you can do". which is really true, but at the same time doesnt exactly answer the question "what am i doing". i think a lot of my uncertainy comes from the fact that all the things i'd come accustomed to are gone. Swimming seems to always be on the table, something i want, but i cant seem to find a way to do it and also be realistic about what i want to accomplish. The other thing is that i've noticed relationships i've had are becoming harder to keep. People that were once such an integral part of my life are out of touch, but a part of me knows they're still there, just not in the same capacity i'm used to. things change no matter how hard i try to stop them, and coping with them and using them to start over is what i'm having trouble with. a lot of times when i'm thinking about past stuff i wonder how i made it so hard for myself, because everything seemed so much easier. it's because i took it for granted that makes me upset now, because things werent really as hard or bad as i thought they were. and right now even when things seem confusing, it's probably going to seem so simple when i look back on it in the future.
when i think about the people i knew and how they've turned out, it seems like they are one of two: those who put the bulk of their energy into finding personal happiness and those who find happiness in helping others. while not really sure which kind i am, i find myself leaning towards the latter. Other people may not know, or not think it, but i've never generally looked out for my own interests firsthand. While at the same time not being overly concerned about everyone else's or the worlds, i find more fulfillment doing things for other people, and trying to help them understand things.
it seems to me that the group of people that are consumed by finding personal happiness often find it on some level, and thereby become happy in some area of life..money, school..whatever. but, also, i feel like personal wealth in one of those areas in fleeting and a lot of the times will seem great in the begining and miserable in the end. This is to say, i guess, that i feel more comfortable being happy WITH other people. But, this makes me think...am i dependent on other people for my happiness. i dont like to think so, but i feel like that by making other people feel good, or by being very reliable (which i know i am) i am helping myself as well as them. It seems reasonable that when a loved one, or close friend reaches a level of contentment and happiness, that the one who helped has no choice but to follow.
Does that second group of people have any gurantee that life is going to reward them by having good-will? Absolutely not. That seems to be the question that i keep tossing back and forth. What am i doing? What is the thing i could do that is something no one else does with any particular amount of skill? And i keep coming back to the fact that i believe,ultimately, that somehow, i'm going to be rewarded for trusting myself, even if i dont really know what i'm doing, or if the things i'm doing are really in my best interests. I suppose all that matters is that i have to find a way to cope with the fact that i make life harder on myself than it really is, or has to be. And i suppose my gut tells me that being harder on myself is going to make me more able to understand a good thing when i see it coming at some point in my future.
life always comes at me full circle it seems. just when i think ive made it past something, i find i am forced to face it again... and then again in some cases. maybe thats why ive been forced into this habit of ignoring things im not happy with, figuring if it wont go away on its own ill make it go away. not the best approach im sure, but i dont think i can help it anymore. all aspects of my life-- family, school, relationships... there is no one instance to which im referring. its more like my entire existence is a relevant subject for scrutiny in this regard. its been far too long since i did anything with complete confidence and i wonder if i could ever do so again on my own. if not, i wonder if ill ever find the piece i appear to be missing.
I dont know if people will read this and think i'm being self-pitiful. I dont really think i am. because while i've called a lot of things into question, i'm not really being sad about them, i'm trying to make sense of all the things i've been feeling lately. the decisions i keep finding myself faced with are important, but at the same time, no answer will condemn me to a certain way of life. i have to realize that life is a string of events defined by what we make of them. One thing i know is that my actions will most ultimately become more important than what i write here. i just have to find a way to trust in what i'm doing
Lately, i've been spending a lot of time wondering exactly what it is i'm looking forward to, or what i plan on doing with my life. Everything seems to be so confusing. it seems the adjustment to life without having an everyday plan is harder than i thought it would be.
when i think about it. All the things i thought about when i was younger have dissipated into afterthoughts and what i'm left with his so confusing that i dont know how to begin. People hear this kind of stuff and are often quick to offer advice like "you such a great guy" and "you have so much you can do". which is really true, but at the same time doesnt exactly answer the question "what am i doing". i think a lot of my uncertainy comes from the fact that all the things i'd come accustomed to are gone. Swimming seems to always be on the table, something i want, but i cant seem to find a way to do it and also be realistic about what i want to accomplish. The other thing is that i've noticed relationships i've had are becoming harder to keep. People that were once such an integral part of my life are out of touch, but a part of me knows they're still there, just not in the same capacity i'm used to. things change no matter how hard i try to stop them, and coping with them and using them to start over is what i'm having trouble with. a lot of times when i'm thinking about past stuff i wonder how i made it so hard for myself, because everything seemed so much easier. it's because i took it for granted that makes me upset now, because things werent really as hard or bad as i thought they were. and right now even when things seem confusing, it's probably going to seem so simple when i look back on it in the future.
when i think about the people i knew and how they've turned out, it seems like they are one of two: those who put the bulk of their energy into finding personal happiness and those who find happiness in helping others. while not really sure which kind i am, i find myself leaning towards the latter. Other people may not know, or not think it, but i've never generally looked out for my own interests firsthand. While at the same time not being overly concerned about everyone else's or the worlds, i find more fulfillment doing things for other people, and trying to help them understand things.
it seems to me that the group of people that are consumed by finding personal happiness often find it on some level, and thereby become happy in some area of life..money, school..whatever. but, also, i feel like personal wealth in one of those areas in fleeting and a lot of the times will seem great in the begining and miserable in the end. This is to say, i guess, that i feel more comfortable being happy WITH other people. But, this makes me think...am i dependent on other people for my happiness. i dont like to think so, but i feel like that by making other people feel good, or by being very reliable (which i know i am) i am helping myself as well as them. It seems reasonable that when a loved one, or close friend reaches a level of contentment and happiness, that the one who helped has no choice but to follow.
Does that second group of people have any gurantee that life is going to reward them by having good-will? Absolutely not. That seems to be the question that i keep tossing back and forth. What am i doing? What is the thing i could do that is something no one else does with any particular amount of skill? And i keep coming back to the fact that i believe,ultimately, that somehow, i'm going to be rewarded for trusting myself, even if i dont really know what i'm doing, or if the things i'm doing are really in my best interests. I suppose all that matters is that i have to find a way to cope with the fact that i make life harder on myself than it really is, or has to be. And i suppose my gut tells me that being harder on myself is going to make me more able to understand a good thing when i see it coming at some point in my future.
life always comes at me full circle it seems. just when i think ive made it past something, i find i am forced to face it again... and then again in some cases. maybe thats why ive been forced into this habit of ignoring things im not happy with, figuring if it wont go away on its own ill make it go away. not the best approach im sure, but i dont think i can help it anymore. all aspects of my life-- family, school, relationships... there is no one instance to which im referring. its more like my entire existence is a relevant subject for scrutiny in this regard. its been far too long since i did anything with complete confidence and i wonder if i could ever do so again on my own. if not, i wonder if ill ever find the piece i appear to be missing.
I dont know if people will read this and think i'm being self-pitiful. I dont really think i am. because while i've called a lot of things into question, i'm not really being sad about them, i'm trying to make sense of all the things i've been feeling lately. the decisions i keep finding myself faced with are important, but at the same time, no answer will condemn me to a certain way of life. i have to realize that life is a string of events defined by what we make of them. One thing i know is that my actions will most ultimately become more important than what i write here. i just have to find a way to trust in what i'm doing