well. i suppose its time to walk away now.
here i am at 3:31 am and not only can i not sleep, but i feel pretty down as well. ive done everything that i can think of to get through to anna and at every turn ive failed miserably. im tired of wishing and hoping and being optimistic. its finally gotten through to me that she and i are really over. for good. it only took 4 months. i just didnt want to give up on her. i didnt want to believe we couldnt work it out. but i see now that thats the problem. ive been trying to convince myself that she actually loved me..and that she still does. but if she really did, i believe that things wouldnt have turned out this way. i believe that love would have found a way to see us through it all. so given that..i think it really is time to just give up. i dont know yet if im going to go back to choir or not. it may just be too hard. this is the last time im going to post on here for at least a while. if you read this, im sorry anna. for everything. my only wish for christmas, for....everything i guess is that you could just believe me when i say that you are beautiful-no matter what anyone else tells you. but youre never going to think so based on someone elses opinion-you have to believe in yourself first. and secondly that i do love you-enough to give up everything ive ever known..i told you that i will for the rest of my life and i meant that. and i can support you. i had a period of time where i didnt know who i was. i acted like 4 different people most of the time. but i know that you know what that feels like. trying to be a student, a kid even, but at the same time being a responsible adult. wanting so badly to be someone who takes care of herself and is so independent, but at the same time needing and deserving to be taken care of and supported. it gets tough getting pulled in so many different directions. its happened all my life. just dont ever do what i did and forget that there are people there to help you through it. people who love you no matter what. people who would give or do anything for you if you just ask. if theres anything you take away from and remember from ever meeting me-let it be this: never lose hope..things always get better when theyre down-they have to. it cant rain all the time..but some rain can be cleansing. just enough to teach you what you need to learn. and things usually continue that way until you learn from it. and everything always happens for a reason. anyway, please, if you do end up reading this somehow, remember that ill always love you no matter what and dont ever give up.