I just do not think it's fair anymore.
I don't. I do not. Will not, have not, was not... Hold on, that one didn't apply there. Whoops.
Anyway.
It's not fair. I think I'm a good guy, and I think certain people who I'm livin' with should give that some notice. 'Cause I can get notice elsewhere. Oh, can I. I could get plenty more if I had the nerve to go do that kinda thing. Gettin' laid ( Read more... )
Anyway.
It's not fair. I think I'm a good guy, and I think certain people who I'm livin' with should give that some notice. 'Cause I can get notice elsewhere. Oh, can I. I could get plenty more if I had the nerve to go do that kinda thing. Gettin' laid ( Read more... )
Hmm. Someone's calling me.
Crap, I do not feel like getting out of bed! I just got comfortable, and if I move so much as an inch, the comfort is going to be gone. I'm in the perfect spot. I can't get up. If I do, I'll have to come back to a less than perfect spot. Its not fair. I might never have this much comfort in my own bed ever again.
I usually never worry about this kind of thing because I'm either not alone or exhausted, but I has taking the night off from that!
I have to get up though, because Shane went out tonight. As far as I know it wasn't anything out of the ordinary--well, going out willingly is always a little out of the ordinary for him, but I think Abby or Helena might have bribed and/or threatened him to go along--but he's calling, so I guess I'm going.
If nothing else, I have to hear about his night out. Just in case something exciting happened.
Experience tells me that he wouldn't be coming in by himself and asking for me if I missed anything good, but I still have hope for him. There's a slightly bad boy trapped somewhere in that southern sweetie. Sooner or later, he's bound to let it out and come home with a good story.
The trouble is, he would probably be too shy to share it with me.
I pushed my covers off to the other side of the bed and slowly eased myself into a sitting position, stretching for about a minute before I got out of bed and headed over to the mirror.
I've looked better. I've looked worse. He's calling me out of bed at three in the morning, this is what he gets. I can't be a model ever hour of the day.
I entered the living room to the sound of something that better not have been mine hitting the ground with a clink.
"Just so you know, you break it, you buy it--" and then I saw him. "Oh god, Roomie."
And then I smelled him.
"Youre hammered!"
This certainly wasn't what I was referring to with the hidden bad boy theory. At all.
"Come here, Shane." I sighed and went over to put an arm around him in case he needed a guide, but that's all I can be without both of us hitting the ground.
I love how his friends act like I'm the bad influence, and then they send him home like this.
"Are you okay?"
Please don't throw up on me. I like this chemise.
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"I didn't break anythin', I swear." I grinned when she came out, wavin'. "Hey." Wonder how long she was sleepin'. She must've thought I'd get in on my own okay. 'Cause she usually does. And if she can't, she's either not alone, or she yells for me. Always one of the two.
And that's another thing that's botherin' me. I'm not capable of doin' this stuff? That's what the look on her face is sayin'.
"Oh god, Roomie."
I'm capable of plenty of stuff. I just don't like doin' it. But that doesn't mean I can't. What, Miles's got to be the only guy who can take a risk? Jump off a few high buildin's, literally as well as metaphorically?
I don't want to go jumpin' off any high buildin's, but at least I could do the metaphor. I know I don't look like much, but I can be much. I can be a whole lot of much, and I think she should know that, and maybe stop hookin' me up with girls like Sangria.
That's not askin' a whole lot. It's askin' just enough. What it'd hurt or not hurt if we went for it's not even the problem in this situation, it's what's goin' to happen when she winds up stickin' with some guy, when I think I could be pretty good for her. Maybe.
With Lorelai, I didn't have a chance. With Sasha, she might be out of my league, but maybe if she moved her leauge back a little bit, little more closer to me, I can give it a shot.
Every other guy gets a shot, I should too. Livin' together or not.
"Youre hammered!"
"The term is 'shitfaced'." Actually, there's a lot of terms. A lot. How'd there get to be so many anyway? "... Pissed... Drunk..." I laughed. "Nevermind, any term'll do." I can accept it.
"Come here, Shane."
Actually, I don't think walkin's such a great idea at the moment, so maybe she should be comin' to me... There we go.
She smells good. She looks good too. I don't know why she's always complainin' whenever she's not all made up about how she doesn't, she always looks beautiful to me. And all the other guys too, but I'm the one who pays some damned real attention past that other stuff that is all they're actually after. I get more points for bein' able to be like that.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, I'm fine, I just..." I laughed and shrugged again, pointin' down at where I'm fairly sure my keys were. "I dropped my keys, so you mind grabbin' those for me?"
Gives me a second so I can think on what I'm goin' to say. It's important how I start this, 'cause if she gets all scared, she's not goin' to listen to me any, and she needs to. She needs to know. I need to say it. And that's just the end right there.
So I watched while she grabbed my keys, and I waited for her to stand up straight again, and I tried to think about what I was goin' to say.
Then she was back up, and lookin' at me. That went way too fast.
"... I like you." Hey, good a place to start as any. What was I wastin' time for tryin' to think of somethin' particular anyway? That's the point! And I got to say it!
Now hold on, I don't think I like that look. That look isn't the reaction I was hopin' for, and I think should be happenin' instead of that look.
"Look, if I wasn't this drunk, no way in hell I could ever tell you. I like you, a lot, pretty much for a while, and I think maybe deep down, you like me a little too."
Yeah, I said that too. You heard me straight. No lies from this guy's mouth tonight.
"And if I'm wrong, well then that's okay, I've been wrong before, but I wanted to say somethin' 'cause I think I should." I know I should. I can see her freakin' out a little 'round the eyes, but I still think so.
"I think I'm tired of bein' the guy who sorta sits off to the side and wonders what should've been if he could open his mouth. And sure I had to, y'know, do a lot of drinkin' to get this far, but I still think it's somethin'."
A start.
... Sick again... No, wait, I'm okay.
"So, what do you think of that?"
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"Sure."
I made sure that he wasn't going to fall over in the two seconds it would take me to pick up his keys, and then found them a few feet away from where he was pointing, snatched them up, and set them down on the table. Shane doesn't need them right now anyway, I'm not letting him out of the house until he's finished with his hangover.
He's lucky that I don't have a lot of things on the agenda for tomorrow. I can get up, make him coffee, and be ready with aspirin and moral support as soon as he needs it. It'll be my way of repaying him for all of the times that I've come home like this.
That one particular incident where I started pouncing Roomie and telling him to 'make love' to me comes to mind as something I definitely owe him for, but thankfully he's not like that so this should be cake.
As long as we can make it into his bedroom and get him in bed without any issues, it'll be fine.
"... I like you."
"I like you too."
I want to know what it is about being drunk that makes everyone love one another. Rachel was like this last week. She said that she loved me so much that I couldn't possibly understand, that I was the most 'exquisitely wonderful' friend ever, and that if she was gay and not waiting for marriage, we'd have something hot.
Then there was a lot of giggling. Mostly from her. A little from me too though, because that was not like Rachel...
...
He doesn't mean it in the friend way, does he?
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Nope, he's not talking about the friend way.
It sounds like he's practicing a speech that he wants to make to Lorelai if you ask me. Everyone knows Shane only hides that he still likes her for my sake. I almost lost him before because I felt like I had to compete with her to keep him as a friend. When he figured that out, he said he'd try to tone it down, and he did. If you didn't know better, you'd swear he just thought of her as a friend.
But me? I know better. He liked her for a long time, and that means that she's hard for him to get over.
I know what he's saying, but I doubt this is about me. Or him liking me. Or him thinking that I like him.
I don't go there with Shane. I can't. Which is not to say that I've never thought about it, because I have. Definitely have. When we were first starting to get to know each other I thought that maybe there could have been something, but then we moved into together. You can't exactly build a good relationship with your roommate if you're undressing them with your eyes, so I shut off the part of my brain that looks at Shane that way.
The way I see it, if we hooked up, he would become like every other guy that I've been with. Not necessarily in how he would act towards me, I know that Shane would treat me the same way that he does now, but in how he'd look at me, how he'd feel about the kind of person I am in or the way I treat men...all of those things in general.
I'm better for him like this. We're better like this. And the last time I checked, we both knew it.
"And if I'm wrong, well then that's okay, I've been wrong before, but I wanted to say somethin' 'cause I think I should."
I think I'm screwed if he wants me to say something about it in response.
What do I say to him? Its not like he's sober, or will remember this conversation in the morning, or anything like that. He's just drunk. A bunch of thoughts about a dozen different people are probably running together in his head, and since I'm the one he came home to, I get the pseudo-confession.
But that doesn't give me an excuse to hurt his feelings, does it?
"So, what do you think of that?"
"I think you need some rest." I smiled, giving him a gentle pat on the back, and attempted to start moving in the direction of his bedroom.
"We don't have to talk about this tonight. You need to sleep this off and see how you feel about me when you're not shitfaced, pissed, or drunk."
That's right, sober up and realize you gave me the Lorelai speech.
"If you still feel the same way, then we'll talk about it."
But you won't, and so we won't, and that's good because this is the best thing I've had going with a man in my entire life.
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... Aw no, not the back pat thing. I don't what that. I don't need that. I need an answer to what I was sayin'. I need to know if I was wrong, once and for all. I need to know.
So she should tell me what she thinks. I've been wrong before about people, enough times to let me know that what I was raised on doesn't always hold. I'm good with pickin' up tells, makes me decent in a card game. But that's only for lyin'.
Other stuff, I can miss it. Maybe. It's real hard to tell with her, 'cause she treats a lot of guys about the same, but I'm different 'cause I live with her.
But Miles, that son of a bitch, he's different too. 'Cause he's her best friend, even though he won't say it. And she doesn't say it 'cause he doesn't say it. So they just don't say any of it.
That's stupid. I can say Mal's my best friend. He is, too. A good one. Most of the time.
... I'm all off subject again. Damn it, I gotta focus.
"We don't have to talk about this tonight. You need to sleep this off and see how you feel about me when you're not shitfaced, pissed, or drunk."
Or any of the other names for it. There really is a whole lot. And I really want to know why that's so. But I have to some other time, 'cause I'm tryin' to focus real hard right now, and she's not answerin' me still.
And we do have to talk about this tonight, 'cause in the mornin' I'm goin' to be sober. I might not even remember what I'm doin' right now. And that's bad. I want to remember, but I might not, 'cause... I don't know, but just in case.
We have to talk about this. Or I'm goin' to keep quiet forever, and she's goin' to find some guy, and I'm goin' to be by myself instead of tryin' havin' somethin' with the one girl I've been interested in while actually feelin' like I might have a chance if I really work at it.
I'm not like the other guys she goes for, but that's okay, 'cause I'm still a good guy. And she does care about me. I can tell that much.
"If you still feel the same way, then we'll talk about it."
I'll be too scared then! Right now's the only time I'm goin' to be able to do it! Unless I get drunk again, and who knows if I'm goin' to drink just enough to still talk and not pass out that time? This time was fuckin' lucky!
And you don't waste bein' this fuckin' lucky. 'Cause bein' fuckin' lucky, at least in my case, only comes around every once in a while, and I usually don't take it.
But I'm goin' to do it now!
"No. No no. We have to talk now, while I still got the nerve to do it." 'Cause I want to know if I'm right or not. I want to know before she goes hookin' me up with some other girl like Sangria that scares the shit outa me.
"No more of the hookin' me up with other girls, I want to talk to you about you and me."
So let's talk, okay?
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She can do that. She's not a liar. She doesn't even do all that well at big lies like other people I know can. And like I probably could if I worked real hard at it. She's got too many tells to really do it.
So she can tell me somethin' honest. She hasn't had any baths to work on some denial or anythin'. She could do it.
"... And I know what you might be thinkin', you might be thinkin' this has somethin' to do with Lorelai, or somethin' like that." It doesn't. It's about her. I like her. And I know we had that fight before, but it's different now.
Lorelai's got the guy she wants. I can't stand him, but it's not 'cause he's with her, it's 'cause he's an asshole. But if he makes her happy, then that's great. I wasn't that guy, and I'm livin' with that. I'm over it botherin' me as much as it did.
This, if I don't hold with this, it's goin' to bother me. Don't ask me how I know that, I just do.
"This doesn't have a thing to do with Lorelai. I'm done with Lorelai. She's just a friend to me, and honestly, I'm sorta likin' that better." I don't feel as nervous as I used to, and I wasn't always stuck lookin' at her all the time and wonderin' why she couldn't look at me.
Sure, I got someone else I'm stuck doin' that with now, but at least I'm livin' with it better than I was with Lorelai. That wasn't gettin' me anywhere. I had to move on from it, so I did.
"And you and I are still friends, and I get it if you don't want to wreck that, but I still feel this way, so I'm sort of hopin' you could tell me how you feel."
C'mon Sasha, just tell me.
Before I start feelin' sick again, if you don't mind.
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"Maybe you not wanting to do it any other time means you don't like me as much as you think you do."
That one's possible. Its just like it was with Rachel, and with Miles. Beer goggles upgrade me from hot, to the ultimate in hot. And Shane doesn't really like me the way he says he does, he's just the latest victim.
Which is fine by me, because I don't want to get into this. I don't know how to get into this. Miles jokes about 'The Southerner' all the time, but I've never had to actually think about anything like this until now!
I've never wanted to think about it. Shane's been pretty clear about how he feels. Sure, he's a great guy. But a great guy deserves a great girl, and we both know that's not me.
We also both know that when Shane is sober, he's going to realize that.
"No more of the hookin' me up with other girls, I want to talk to you about you and me."
Oh come on, I thought Sangria was a nice, perfectly great girl. A little pushy, but Shane needs pushy. He's not like this unless he's drunk. I thought pushy would get him laid.
And I know pushy has got him laid in the past. I've talked to the girls in the morning.
"I'm not goin' to hold anythin' you say against you, I just want an honest answer."
...Can it be an honest answer you won't remember in the morning?
I know that if he means it forgetting this wouldnt solve anything. But I don't think he means it. I think he's drunk, and I'm here, and he's getting confused.
When Shane liked Lorelai, you could tell. You could really tell. The way he looked at her, talked to her, even talked about her, it was all obvious. He doesn't have that for me. I would have picked up on it by now.
I don't care what Miles says when he's being an asshole, I know what goes on in my own apartment!
"... And I know what you might be thinkin', you might be thinkin' this has somethin' to do with Lorelai, or somethin' like that."
I don't like Shane when he drunkenly reads my mind. Saying things like that isn't considered fair when you've just hit your roommate with something big.
"This doesn't have a thing to do with Lorelai. I'm done with Lorelai. She's just a friend to me, and honestly, I'm sorta likin' that better."
"Good."
Its about time he got over Lorelai. He wasn't getting anywhere with that. She's always going to look at him as a friend, no matter what he thinks of her.
But now I'm more concerned with what he thinks of me than with what he thinks of her. I'm the one on the spot, in the middle of the night, after I was perfectly comfortable alone in my bed.
Bed. That's someplace I should be putting him.
"And you and I are still friends, and I get it if you don't want to wreck that, but I still feel this way, so I'm sort of hopin' you could tell me how you feel."
"Shane." How I feel is irelevant. I'd never let it mean anything. "Let's talk about it in your bedroom."
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I held him a little closer than I had before to keep him up, and started walking with him to his bedroom. He stumbled a little, but I kept him next to the wall when we got close enough, and that helped him keep his balance until I got him into his room and let him sit down on the edge of the bed.
Then I sat down next to him, just in case he ended up feeling dizzy and tried to move forwards instead of backward.
Now to talk.
This shouldn't be as scary as it is.
"You're right. I don't want to wreck our friendship." There's a lot more to it than that though. If you think that's the only problem, you're doing a major underestimation of how screwed up I am.
"I've never been good at relationships. One time Lorelai made this joke about how Miles lost interest in me, and as hurtful as it seemed at the time, I think she had a point."
She didn't mean to, she just did.
"I'm not a good girlfriend. People lose interest. You see how the kind of life I live, don't you? And sure, you're outside of all of the things I'm bad at, but what if you weren't?"
I'd never want to be as awful to him as I was to some of my exes.
"When we first moved in together, I didn't care if I made you just like all of the other guys. But now its different, and I do."
That's simple enough to understand, isn't it?
"I don't want you to be like them. Ever. And I don't want you to lose interest in me, or be another one of my victims when I feel like stepping on someone's heart."
Probably shouldn't have admitted that, but the faster I shut him down on this, the better.
"Some mornings I wake up and feel like you're the only person in the entire world who has a genuinely good opinion of me."
There's Miles, but he's easily pissed. It varies. Plus, with all the problems I've caused for him and Lorelai, I think sometimes he wishes he never met me. That leaves Shane.
"And I'm terrified of doing something that could end with me losing that."
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That doesn't sound like a good note to be startin' on. Maybe this isn't goin' to go the way I'd like it to after all, and I just messed everythin' up for absolutely nothin'.
... No, at least I tried. 'Cause I should be gettin' notice. A whole hell of a lot of notice. For better or worse, I deserve it! And it is in my family's nature to get noticed in ways like this, what am I doin' not livin' up to that? I've got it in my blood, I'm usin' it!
So c'mon, hit me with your best fuckin' shot, I can take it! I don't care what you say, I still damn well tried, and that's the part that counts here!
Be nice if you still said you felt the same way, though. Maybe you could think on sayin' that instead of sayin' the other stuff?
"Let's talk about it in your bedroom."
...
Y'know, I've been wrong thinkin' things were goin' to go bad before, every once in a while. I think it just turned good.
Or... Maybe... No, I think she meant the other way. Aw, c'mon, you had me goin' for half a second, let's get back to that one and stay there.
Damn, now I sorta feel like some little kid bein' sent to my room for sayin' the wrong thing. I sighed, goin' between leanin' on Sasha and leanin' on the wall as she took me to my room.
Then I sat down, waitin' on her to say somethin' else. She said she wants to talk in here, let's talk in here. I want my answer, if nothin' else. And it looks as though there'll be nothin' else.
But I fuckin' tried.
So there.
"You're right. I don't want to wreck our friendship."
See, I knew it. She can stop worryin' about that. Won't wreck nothin'. I just want to give it a shot. And it's not askin' too much. I know it.
No matter what she says, I'm still goin' to know it. That, at the very least, 'cause I'm not goin' to know anythin' about this conversation when mornin' comes. I know that's a definite now, I can feel it.
Also, there'll be one hell of a headache.
"I've never been good at relationships. One time Lorelai made this joke about how Miles lost interest in me, and as hurtful as it seemed at the time, I think she had a point."
Now hold on. This is Lorelai we're talkin' about. She might have a point sometimes, but a lot of times, she's a little less clear on what she's sayin' than she realizes.
And I there is not a single goddamn fuckin' thing in this world that you should be comparin' me to that son of a bitch over. We're two completely different people.
"I'm not a good girlfriend. People lose interest. You see how the kind of life I live, don't you? And sure, you're outside of all of the things I'm bad at, but what if you weren't?"
What if I... Hold on, I'm a little confused. Is she tellin' me I'm goin' to lose interest in her? Since when's she puttin' me up with every other guy she's ever gone near?
"When we first moved in together, I didn't care if I made you just like all of the other guys. But now its different, and I do."
So wait now, what does that say? That's not an answer, is it? I mean maybe I could take that one way, but I'm thinkin' it's best not to take anythin' any way, 'cause I'm too drunk to completely understand anythin' that doesn't come straight.
If I wasn't this drunk, I might think that I might be on to somethin', and her tryin' to lead me this far away from what I'm sayin' I want proves it.
But I don't really know, since I'm not all the time right with that as is.
Sick...
... Not sick.
That's gettin' old.
"I don't want you to be like them. Ever. And I don't want you to lose interest in me, or be another one of my victims when I feel like stepping on someone's heart."
I am not every other guy she's ever gone near, I'm different. Which means her relyin' on the usual outcome don't apply here.
Which means she should stop actin' like she really cares about me and it's a bad idea, 'cause I know it's a good one.
... She can stick with actin' like she really cares about me, that part I'm alright with. But the rest's got to go.
"Some mornings I wake up and feel like you're the only person in the entire world who has a genuinely good opinion of me."
'Cause I do, and I'm always goin' to, stop arguin' with good stuff.
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I sighed, looked over at her, watched the look on her face for a minute, and then laughed. She didn't answer me at all, 'cause she's 'terrified of doin' somethin' that could end with her losin' that'.
And the answer's all I want. I don't want all the reasons I shouldn't, I've given a lot of thought to that. I just want my answer.
But I think I need to make a point here, 'cause talkin' just got me a whole lot of talk that gave me absolutely nothin'. Somethin'. Nothin' and somethin' at the same time. But nothin' too helpful.
So, I kissed her.
...
I kissed her.
And I knew it'd be this good. Damn, do I wish I wasn't goin' to forget this.
I gave it a minute before I pulled back, and looked at her again, tryin' to see what her reaction was before the talkin'd start.
"That wasn't a straight out answer. And that's all I want. You've got nothin' to be afraid of. Just answer me."
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I'm doing the best I can with all of this. I swear I am. Most girls would have walked out of the room the second they got him on the bed. Some wouldn't have gotten out of bed when Shane came in, but I'm not like that. I thought maybe he needed me or something, and I wasn't going to leave him out here by himself if he needed me.
I'm nicer than that to my friends. Shane gets priority because he lives here, but I would help any of them drunkenly stumble into their bedrooms if they needed the help. This isn't a way of judging how I feel about him. It doesn't mean anything.
And there are lines you don't cross with friends. Shane's not like me, he only gets slutty some of the time. And when he does get slutty, he doesn't fuck his friends.
It would be weird with--
...
That wasn't weird like it was supposed to be.
Why did he do that?! Fuck! Oh shit. He shouldn't look at me like that. I don't know what to do with the way he's...after he just...and the way it...
I need a minute.
"That wasn't a straight out answer. And that's all I want. You've got nothin' to be afraid of. Just answer me."
We already established that I have plenty of things to be afraid of! He'd lose interest, I'd be bad at it, I'm happy with the way we are...
Less happy with it when he kisses me, but that's nothing I could ever tell him.
I have reasons! Good reasons! Shane would have them too if he wasn't drunk!
Maybe I'm just crazy for taking it all as seriously as I am. I know things will be different when he's sober. I shouldn't let this bother me. Or overthink it. Or replay the kiss in my head. I just need to get him to sleep.
"Okay." Say something that will get him to sleep. "Shane, if I was looking for a relationship, I'd want a guy like you." Not that I would ever get one. All the loyal, cute, good men are taken or interested in someone else. Just like Shane will be when he wakes up.
"But I'm not looking for one. I'm not ready for anything like that."
There. A straight answer.
Why couldn't I have given him that before he kissed me?
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Here it comes...
"Shane, if I was looking for a relationship, I'd want a guy like you."
Hold on a minute, that sounded double sided. She'd want a guy like me, but she's... Not lookin' for a relationship.
I'm bein' turned down here. She just said she'd want a guy like me, but she doesn't want a relationship. That's a real nice way to say 'no', as far as I can tell.
"But I'm not looking for one. I'm not ready for anything like that."
This is fuckin' stupid. She's not 'ready', that's a bunch of shit. She doesn't see how we act 'round each other already? I don't ask any questions about that normally, 'cause I know then she'd stop, but c'mon.
I already went through this once, I'm not fuckin' doin' it again. I like her a whole hell of a lot, maybe even more than I was into Lorelai, 'cause I know it feels different than that.
With Lorelai, I could never get completely comfortable like I can with Sasha. She gets the stuff I do, and aside from the whole hookin' me up with girls I don't like thing, she doesn't give me all kinds of shit for the things I do. She's different.
But I guess not that much different.
Well then fuck it. I'm takin' control of my life, that's what this whole thing was s'posed to be about. If she doesn't want me, that's her problem.
"I'm out of here." I got up, makin' my way to my bedroom doorway. "You can do whatever makes you comfortable, but y'know, I'm a good... No, I'm a fuckin' great guy." Yeah, that's right, I fuckin' said that!
"So I'm goin' to go find a girl that appreciates that. Even if it's just for a night. 'Cause that's what you want me to do, right?" Maybe she's onto somethin' after all. Better than fuckin' 'round like this.
"I'll see you when I decide to come home. I'm sure you'll be keepin' y'self busy with some guy while I'm gone, so it's not goin' to bother you or anythin'."
It's fuckin' bullshit.
I went for the door, ignorin' that sick feelin' that was in my head this time, as well as my stomach. I'm goin' out, I'm goin' to have a few more drinks, and I'll go home with some girl and get laid. I fuckin' deserve it. And that'll just be the beginnin'.
Everythin's going to change, I swear on my fuckin' life.
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"I'm out of here."
Because apparently I did. Great. I always think my instincts leave a lot to be desired, and then Shane gets all drunk and pushy and they just work themselves right out and make me anticipate the bad stuff so that I can be twice as aware of it.
Where does he think he's going at this time of night?!
"Whoa there." It took me about two minutes to get in front of him because his motor skills were way more than a little lacking after all the booze he must have knocked back.
""You can do whatever makes you comfortable, but y'know, I'm a good... No, I'm a fuckin' great guy."
"I know that!" Come on! If he goes anywhere, I have to follow him to make sure he stays out of trouble, and its not like I should be doing that in my pajamas.
I get enough attention when I'm fully clothed. I don't need the bed-look boost!
"So I'm goin' to go find a girl that appreciates that. Even if it's just for a night. 'Cause that's what you want me to do, right?"
"No!"
I sighed when he got around me, and chased after him again. I wish we could just keep this here. More than that, I wish we could end it here, but Shane's got some kind of energy going that I wish I could take a fucking frying pan to.
But I'd never do that. He'd wake up with a bump and a concussion and I'd feel guilty as hell.
Kind of like I do right now.
"I'll see you when I decide to come home. I'm sure you'll be keepin' y'self busy with some guy while I'm gone, so it's not goin' to bother you or anythin'."
Okay, how weird is it that he's trying to make me jealous?
...Is he trying to make me jealous?
I don't get stuff like this a lot. And thank god I don't, I'm bad enough at it as it is, but I don't know where any of this is coming from. For all I know, he's a little lonely and he knows I'm a little easy.
But if he thinks he's serious about this, maybe playing the friend isn't the best way to get him to bed, right?
Maybe I should turn this whole thing around...
Its worth a shot, right?
"Maybe it will and maybe it won't. You know, you really had me going there, Shane. You had me thinking that I might have meant something to you. But no, it wasn't about that, was it?!"
This is insane.
"How dare you wake me up in the middle of the night just to screw with me and walk away! Don't you think I know youre a great guy? Don't you get what its like for me to be here with you all the time and hold back?!"
But I think its working.
"And then you start saying things and bringing it all out, and you tell me you're going to go fuck someone else? Yeah, you're really hot for me, aren't you?"
He's so crazy when he's drunk.
"That was a really asshole thing to do! So fine! Go find a girl who's gonna 'appreciate you'". I added airquotes for emphasis. "She'll never be as good to you as I could have been!"
I can't believe I'm faking a fight at three thirty in the morning.
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...
Wait, what now?
C'mon, I'm hearin' things, she did not just say that after she just turned me down for no fuckin' reason. I turned around in the doorway, and figured I'd be seein' Sasha laughin' or somethin', provin' she's not serious about what she's sayin'.
She looks angry, and I can't tell if she's fakin' or not, 'cause I'm too busy focusin' on tryin' to get to the door and get the hell out of here.
And that sick feelin' in my head and my stomach isn't goin' away. But it's not goin' to stop me from gettin' the hell outa here and away from the girl who clearly can't make up her fuckin' mind.
My Dad was onto somethin' when he told me how fuckin' nuts girls are.
"How dare you wake me up in the middle of the night just to screw with me and walk away! Don't you think I know youre a great guy? Don't you get what its like for me to be here with you all the time and hold back?!"
...
"And then you start saying things and bringing it all out, and you tell me you're going to go fuck someone else? Yeah, you're really hot for me, aren't you?"
I can't think of anythin' I can really say at this point, except maybe...
This is one hell of a night.
"That was a really asshole thing to do! So fine! Go find a girl who's gonna 'appreciate you'".
Wait, she's bein' sarcastic. What, she thinks I was just kiddin' around with her? Or's she really upset?
... I feel like I need to sit down. Either I have to move, or I have to sit, I don't know. But I should do one or the other before somethin' else happens.
"She'll never be as good to you as I could have been!"
"Oh, so now you wanna say somethin'?" Words were flyin' out of my mouth even though my head was still stuck on whether or not to go sit, or to get out of here.
"Don't go handin' me victimized bullshit like that, you gave a damn at all for real you would have spoke up ages ago." She's not like me, she could have said it no problem. Even if she wasn't 'ready'. Never stopped her before, as far as I can tell.
"I've been standin' right here, and I've been waitin' on the sidelines like a fuckin' moron, and the only reason I'm goin' and I'm sayin' somethin' now is 'cause I don't want to wind up the fuckin' loser of the situation all over again. I don't want you windin' up bein' another Lorelai for me, 'cause the more I think on it, the more I don't know if I'm goin' to be able to move on this time."
I honestly don't even know. That bothers me to all hell, and I have to think about it all the time, and she's the one who can do whatever she wants and wind up gettin' away with it. Hasn't been that many times that Sasha's ever been really stuck.
And that one time she was seriously stuck, she got out of it. She knows how to get around, I don't want to hear anythin' about the kind of asshole I am when she could be makin' a move just as easy.
At least I did somethin'.
... I should sit now.
"I swear on my life I'm not lettin' myself stay as is. Somethin's goin' to change one way or the other. You can either decide you want in on that, or you can get the hell out my way and let me do whatever I have to."
I went around her, feelin' myself start swayin' more than I was before, and thought that it was a really good idea that I was goin' to go sit now.
"You understand? You comprehendin' that? Bein' scared's not gettin' either of us anywhere, I don't care what you say. It's gotta change. And it's goin' to."
I'm goin' to make it.
Somehow.
... After I sleep.
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Sure he will. He'll be over it by the time he wakes up in the morning. I'm not like Lorelai. He hasn't been waiting for me. He'll be able to move on just fine as long as he stays away from the scotch for a couple of days.
Does Shane even drink scotch? I've never seen him. He's the tequila type. Whatever. He can lay off both so that I don't have to deal with the scary version of my Roomie. I don't like this. And I know that alcohol affects people in a lot of different ways, but he just goes straight to hell with it, doesn't he? This isn't like Shane.
"I swear on my life I'm not lettin' myself stay as is. Somethin's goin' to change one way or the other. You can either decide you want in on that, or you can get the hell out my way and let me do whatever I have to."
"There's nothing wrong with the way you are!"
Seriously now, Shane's a catch. I get told all the time how lucky I am that I'm bunking with one of the good ones. I don't have to try very hard to get him a date. My friends hear things, and they offer right away. Once or twice, they've begged.
We all know that guys like him are few and far between. I think its stupid that he wants to change himself, no matter how drunk he is. And if he was like this all the time?
Let's just say I wouldn't last here for very long.
"Shane." I reached over to try to help him steady himself, but that didn't seem to do anything for him.
"You understand? You comprehendin' that? Bein' scared's not gettin' either of us anywhere, I don't care what you say. It's gotta change. And it's goin' to."
"I get it!"
I watched him fall back, landing mostly on the bed, with a good forty percent of his body, dangling on the floor.
Fucking graceful, isnt he?
I sighed, grabbing the arm that was going off the edge and using a good amount of strength to pull the rest of him onto the bed. After he looked like he wasn't about to fall off anymore, I grabbed a blanket out of the closet and covered him with it. Then I hit the lights off and headed out, closing the door.
I'll have to get up and make some coffee for him in the morning.
...I need a bath.
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