the ex strikes back again....
So, yes I thought that we were passed talking and that things were better off how they were and we hadn't talked since my birthday night. Well, that chnaged this afternoon, he called me and we talked for like 3 hours or so. I cried a lot and talked about my feelings a lot and heard how he's dating someone new again and how he's been modeling a lot lately, and well he expressed a huge desire to really want to be friends.
I was really upset at first about the whole thing and cried a lot and wa shurt by a lot of what he said but I got a lot out that I had been wanting to say for awhile. He was geuinely very interested in me and wanted me to know what he had been up to and he was extremely nice and he explained how he really wanted to be able to talk to me as a friend without having to worry about discussing our relationship. I really at first thought I was going to tell him not to call me anymore and that I couldnt handle it any longer and well at one point I kinda did but he was very persistent.
He made me a lot more comfortable about many of my feelings and he made me feel like he wants me in my life. I mean it is him after all this time who has kept us going. I gave up a long time ago even though I really didnt want to.
I've even seen pictures of the new guy he's seeing and he's really cute. Yet, I dont feel how I thought I would feel on this. I'm not jealous or upset or hurt Im just tired and I dont really care. I mean Im happy he wants to be friends and wnats me in his life and I am happy that he is happy but I'm not sure if I really wanna be there on that boat with him.
It's almost like I shed my last tear over him with him on the phone and now I'm kinda ok. Like I guess I know that I've had him and no one who ever has him again will have anything that I didn't. I feel like now we truly can be friends and normal friends maybe with a more sexual side, but in many ways I'm just not interested and in other ways I'm scared of it.
I'm torn between wanting him sexually, wanting him in my life, and wanting to be left the hell alone. I honest to god dont know. He was so much more reasonable than ever before with me and I realize now that he's not going anywhere unless I push him away. I'm just not sure where i want to go on this. I guess I had just gotten into the line of thinking as shown in my last post and now I'm all turned around again.
The one good thing is at least I'm not emotionally depressed by it like I thought I would. I'm more sad about how badly I've been treating my body lately and the food I've been eating and the lack of sleep.
I think this is just a growing time for me right now and I'm kind of in a spot the one thing I do wish is I could find a cute guy like he did. All though I'm not even sure if I want a boyfriend.
Who the hell knows I've just come to the conclusion that our shit will never end and aparently he's meant to be in my life.
I'm just tired, I've pushed myself too much with wow. I'm almost fatigued from it. I've just been trying to lvl so much. Anyways enough ranting.
Also one last thing, I realize that I'm insanely sexual towards him. No one turns me on as much as him, like I'm sexually cray about him. It's rather funny. I've never lusted for someone so much.
Anyways going now.
ps: Steven I think I'm going to charleston this week I dont know for sure yet though
I was really upset at first about the whole thing and cried a lot and wa shurt by a lot of what he said but I got a lot out that I had been wanting to say for awhile. He was geuinely very interested in me and wanted me to know what he had been up to and he was extremely nice and he explained how he really wanted to be able to talk to me as a friend without having to worry about discussing our relationship. I really at first thought I was going to tell him not to call me anymore and that I couldnt handle it any longer and well at one point I kinda did but he was very persistent.
He made me a lot more comfortable about many of my feelings and he made me feel like he wants me in my life. I mean it is him after all this time who has kept us going. I gave up a long time ago even though I really didnt want to.
I've even seen pictures of the new guy he's seeing and he's really cute. Yet, I dont feel how I thought I would feel on this. I'm not jealous or upset or hurt Im just tired and I dont really care. I mean Im happy he wants to be friends and wnats me in his life and I am happy that he is happy but I'm not sure if I really wanna be there on that boat with him.
It's almost like I shed my last tear over him with him on the phone and now I'm kinda ok. Like I guess I know that I've had him and no one who ever has him again will have anything that I didn't. I feel like now we truly can be friends and normal friends maybe with a more sexual side, but in many ways I'm just not interested and in other ways I'm scared of it.
I'm torn between wanting him sexually, wanting him in my life, and wanting to be left the hell alone. I honest to god dont know. He was so much more reasonable than ever before with me and I realize now that he's not going anywhere unless I push him away. I'm just not sure where i want to go on this. I guess I had just gotten into the line of thinking as shown in my last post and now I'm all turned around again.
The one good thing is at least I'm not emotionally depressed by it like I thought I would. I'm more sad about how badly I've been treating my body lately and the food I've been eating and the lack of sleep.
I think this is just a growing time for me right now and I'm kind of in a spot the one thing I do wish is I could find a cute guy like he did. All though I'm not even sure if I want a boyfriend.
Who the hell knows I've just come to the conclusion that our shit will never end and aparently he's meant to be in my life.
I'm just tired, I've pushed myself too much with wow. I'm almost fatigued from it. I've just been trying to lvl so much. Anyways enough ranting.
Also one last thing, I realize that I'm insanely sexual towards him. No one turns me on as much as him, like I'm sexually cray about him. It's rather funny. I've never lusted for someone so much.
Anyways going now.
ps: Steven I think I'm going to charleston this week I dont know for sure yet though