(no subject)
Lordy... I haven't said anything on here in kwite some time...
I just got home from Harrisburg, PA, where I had been staying with Chico for a coupla days.
Chico is my step-dad's adopted brother, which technically makes him my uncle, but really he's more like an older brother or cousin to me...I mean, shit... he's only four years older than me... but anyway... it was an interesting trip.. a shittily expensive trip, a mildly depressing trip (not that I haven't been depressive enough on my own lately, but that's besides the point) and a bitch of a drive up and down. Oh, yeah... and I quit my job and more than likely lost a friend so that I could go... and he had to work all weekend, so we couldn't really do anything.
But... I don't care. I just wanted to see him. I miss Chico. I Love him.... I hate that my dad hates him for stupid or negligible reasons ("He's not my blood relative!" "Well, fuck, Dad, neither am I!") I hate that he feels so lonely right now... and...and...
I hate that I feel the same way that he does.
I watched tears roll down his face and I wanted to make him feel better, but I couldn't.... there just wasn't a fucking thing I could say to him... cause I'm there right now myself.
I took this goddamned trip so that I could get out of my shitty little microcosm for a few days and think things over. .
Chico's got his own place in the city, two decent jobs in two different clubs (or four, if you want to get technical), and we couldn't go fifteen minutes without running into someone who was thrilled to see him... but at the end of the day, he always comes home to nothing...no one.. no permanence, no interest, nothing... His apartment is just fine, but he hates it because it feels like a trap... an empty, oblivious fucking trap...
and, well... that's what I've been trying to escape here... that god damned feeling.
I'm not afraid of being alone, as has been suggested in the past.
I just hate feeling unwanted... I want to be cared about. I want to be missed when I'm not around. I want to reciprocate those feelings. I want someone I can kiss passionately. I want someone I can hold in my arms. I want someone to just sit with, to watch movies with, to get dinner with, to talk to on the phone, even when there's nothing important to say...
If this isn't coming out cohesively... well... it's my journal, not yours, so fuck you...
Related to, but seperated from that point... I need sex. Grr... It's been a little while, and it's starting to get on my nerves.
I just don't like looking for it. And I don't like rushing into it... I like being selective, thank you very much...but..
I don't think that's it... I think my problem comes from the fact that I seem to have forgotten how to show interest... it's like I go so far out of my way to not be offensive, or pushy, or whatever, that I've stopped flirting all the way around.
Damnit! Why does that make me hate myself? Why can't I just be myself? Or is this me, and I'm actually hating me legitimately? I don't know.
lol.... I'm so glad I don't own a gun...
I have a billion other things to say, but I think I'm gonna let them wait for a minute or two... maybe later, maybe tomorrow, maybe on myspace, maybe never, who knows... I don't, and If I don't then nodody does, right?
I just got home from Harrisburg, PA, where I had been staying with Chico for a coupla days.
Chico is my step-dad's adopted brother, which technically makes him my uncle, but really he's more like an older brother or cousin to me...I mean, shit... he's only four years older than me... but anyway... it was an interesting trip.. a shittily expensive trip, a mildly depressing trip (not that I haven't been depressive enough on my own lately, but that's besides the point) and a bitch of a drive up and down. Oh, yeah... and I quit my job and more than likely lost a friend so that I could go... and he had to work all weekend, so we couldn't really do anything.
But... I don't care. I just wanted to see him. I miss Chico. I Love him.... I hate that my dad hates him for stupid or negligible reasons ("He's not my blood relative!" "Well, fuck, Dad, neither am I!") I hate that he feels so lonely right now... and...and...
I hate that I feel the same way that he does.
I watched tears roll down his face and I wanted to make him feel better, but I couldn't.... there just wasn't a fucking thing I could say to him... cause I'm there right now myself.
I took this goddamned trip so that I could get out of my shitty little microcosm for a few days and think things over. .
Chico's got his own place in the city, two decent jobs in two different clubs (or four, if you want to get technical), and we couldn't go fifteen minutes without running into someone who was thrilled to see him... but at the end of the day, he always comes home to nothing...no one.. no permanence, no interest, nothing... His apartment is just fine, but he hates it because it feels like a trap... an empty, oblivious fucking trap...
and, well... that's what I've been trying to escape here... that god damned feeling.
I'm not afraid of being alone, as has been suggested in the past.
I just hate feeling unwanted... I want to be cared about. I want to be missed when I'm not around. I want to reciprocate those feelings. I want someone I can kiss passionately. I want someone I can hold in my arms. I want someone to just sit with, to watch movies with, to get dinner with, to talk to on the phone, even when there's nothing important to say...
If this isn't coming out cohesively... well... it's my journal, not yours, so fuck you...
Related to, but seperated from that point... I need sex. Grr... It's been a little while, and it's starting to get on my nerves.
I just don't like looking for it. And I don't like rushing into it... I like being selective, thank you very much...but..
I don't think that's it... I think my problem comes from the fact that I seem to have forgotten how to show interest... it's like I go so far out of my way to not be offensive, or pushy, or whatever, that I've stopped flirting all the way around.
Damnit! Why does that make me hate myself? Why can't I just be myself? Or is this me, and I'm actually hating me legitimately? I don't know.
lol.... I'm so glad I don't own a gun...
I have a billion other things to say, but I think I'm gonna let them wait for a minute or two... maybe later, maybe tomorrow, maybe on myspace, maybe never, who knows... I don't, and If I don't then nodody does, right?