Overhaul Pt. Deuce
Continuing on...
Things started out great. I was happy every day but I told myself that I could not treat her any differently. She was my girl-friend but she must always remain a friend as well and that I couldn't abandon my friends. So I made a concious effort to bring them together and to keep her the same. However, as time ticked on and the stresses of life started to creep back in, I slowly began to get frustrated. Not with her but I did my best to keep them as hidden as possible. Bills were starting to pile up, my body was wasting away, and I wasn't working yet nor did I have my tax return to live off of like I planned.
As I readied myself to go back to Lakes, it was only to find out that I had been replaced. It was a really shitty feeling to have been screwed over by a place that I thought respected me. It was like I had been smacked in the face and then stabbed in the back. I still, to this day, have to confront them and find out why. It eats at me everyday. However, Olive Garden openly welcomed me back with open arms and once I could serve I busted my ass. Day in and day out... The days have grown short and the nights long as I struggled to keep up with my finances and juggle the relationship with Christy.
I thought things were going suprisingly well as I started back at the gym. Although I barely saw Christy anymore and I know that it was eating away at both of us. Especially since the one day off a week that I took... I didn't spend it with her like I should have. I've adhered to my Monday-only day off, while her only day off was Wednesday... Which I worked all day. So I practically abandoned her during her moving process but my only justification is that I needed the money help catch myself up as quickly as possible.
As time ticked and took it's toll on my body it began to wear down my mind. My sleeping pattern was no longer consistent. The nights grew later and later as my patience grew thinner and thinner. The only thing I looked forward to, after the constant stress of work, was getting to see Christy. The only one with the smile that could make the worries of the world disappear but I saw it less and less. I was seeing her far much less than I wanted and when I did... I sure as hell didn't make the best of my time. Sitting up playing a fucking PSP, next to the person you care about, is NOT (and I repeat: NOT!!!) spending time with them. It is not comforting the beautiful soul that has busted their ass to see you after a hard week.
There were many times and nights when my tongue was unjustly sharp... It was if I wasn't in control of my body. I felt so lost. I would swear or lose my cool for, what I look back upon now, and was nothing but a whisper in the wind. And it would be her that could catch the edge. I let the slightest things bother me as I stressed myself and for some reason I would feel as if I was in the 3rd person at those points. I could literally see myself, from my mind, and I would be screaming at myself, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!". It would tear me apart though, when after all my efforts at work and the gym, when I would be busting myself ragged to not only be but look presentable for her... I couldn't even lay down next her with out seeming to suffocate. Why did my body put me through the hell when all I wanted to do was relax?
Midnight, 12:30, 1am, 2am, 3am... I woke up at all hours of the night with a hostile attitude because I couldn't breathe. I became increasingly fed up with waking up, without oxygen, to go all the way across the room to blow my nose. Be able to breathe. Walk back. Lie down. Lose my breath. I couldn't stand it but I kept trying even though my attitude just got worse. Finally, we figured out the solution but I was beginning to put a bit more efforts into the gym as I drawing closer and closer to being caught up. However, people were also were recognizing that I was back at the gym so it became harder for me to work-out without being interrupted. Yet, when it was all done and I thought I had my frustration covered I was dashing out the door at the last minute to see the person I had kept waiting all night. And my jokes were taking on an increasingly sharp nature and demeanour... One that bothered even myself.
I would sneak in with just a kiss on the lips and could immediately tell she was smiling that I was there. I was so happy to see her but was such an ass that I most concerned with myself at the immediate time. Even though I was rushing all day to see her, I never let her know. Sure, I may have said it... But I didn't show it. And as we all know... Actions speak a lot louder than worlds. Those were the actions that I should've taken before I lost someone I not only cared about but respected greatly.
As you may have guessed... I was hit with a very harsh awakening. As I talked about before, it quite often felt that I was outside of my body sometimes. While I thought I was happy over-all I didn't realize that if I kept it up it would be like trying to hold sand with my fingers spread apart. It all slipped away. As I stood there, arrogant, selfish, upset, hurt, confused, and even a little jealous... That third person view of myself grabbed by the throat and slammed into reality, but what seemed more like a glass window. It hit hard as I staggered back dazed, confused, and unsure. She was done with me, but I refused to believe it.
It wasn't right. It didn't add up. I didn't understand. I didn't change a thing... I didn't change a thing, or did I? I had become lazy. I had let the important things slip by and the worthless things chip at me. Instead of manning up, what did I do? Withdrew. It's not me. I can't stand up and take care of the ones I love if I'm not me. How do you be yourself if you're not in control? It was made very clear to me that the glass window needed to be moved, better yet broken, so that it could no longer hinder me.
It was time to get back into my own skin. Time to make my feet walk where I tell them to walk. My hands to do as I command. For my heart and my mind to work in unison. For my tongue to speak the words that my heart screams. And for my body to carry out the labor that is required to right the wrongs that I have committed. To undo and fix what can be repaired. To build upon the ground-work that has been laid. To make myself important to not only others... But to myself again.
I lived by the philosophy that a day without learning something is a day that was wasted. Well, it's time to change that a bit. I must make a concious effort to further and better myself. I can't just sit by passively and let the world slip away. I was climbing and clawing my way there but hadn't realized just how much my grib was slipping... Until I fell. Hopefully I've caught myself in time, that I can keep this promise to myself.
Maybe one day... I'll be good enough to hold the world again.
Things started out great. I was happy every day but I told myself that I could not treat her any differently. She was my girl-friend but she must always remain a friend as well and that I couldn't abandon my friends. So I made a concious effort to bring them together and to keep her the same. However, as time ticked on and the stresses of life started to creep back in, I slowly began to get frustrated. Not with her but I did my best to keep them as hidden as possible. Bills were starting to pile up, my body was wasting away, and I wasn't working yet nor did I have my tax return to live off of like I planned.
As I readied myself to go back to Lakes, it was only to find out that I had been replaced. It was a really shitty feeling to have been screwed over by a place that I thought respected me. It was like I had been smacked in the face and then stabbed in the back. I still, to this day, have to confront them and find out why. It eats at me everyday. However, Olive Garden openly welcomed me back with open arms and once I could serve I busted my ass. Day in and day out... The days have grown short and the nights long as I struggled to keep up with my finances and juggle the relationship with Christy.
I thought things were going suprisingly well as I started back at the gym. Although I barely saw Christy anymore and I know that it was eating away at both of us. Especially since the one day off a week that I took... I didn't spend it with her like I should have. I've adhered to my Monday-only day off, while her only day off was Wednesday... Which I worked all day. So I practically abandoned her during her moving process but my only justification is that I needed the money help catch myself up as quickly as possible.
As time ticked and took it's toll on my body it began to wear down my mind. My sleeping pattern was no longer consistent. The nights grew later and later as my patience grew thinner and thinner. The only thing I looked forward to, after the constant stress of work, was getting to see Christy. The only one with the smile that could make the worries of the world disappear but I saw it less and less. I was seeing her far much less than I wanted and when I did... I sure as hell didn't make the best of my time. Sitting up playing a fucking PSP, next to the person you care about, is NOT (and I repeat: NOT!!!) spending time with them. It is not comforting the beautiful soul that has busted their ass to see you after a hard week.
There were many times and nights when my tongue was unjustly sharp... It was if I wasn't in control of my body. I felt so lost. I would swear or lose my cool for, what I look back upon now, and was nothing but a whisper in the wind. And it would be her that could catch the edge. I let the slightest things bother me as I stressed myself and for some reason I would feel as if I was in the 3rd person at those points. I could literally see myself, from my mind, and I would be screaming at myself, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!". It would tear me apart though, when after all my efforts at work and the gym, when I would be busting myself ragged to not only be but look presentable for her... I couldn't even lay down next her with out seeming to suffocate. Why did my body put me through the hell when all I wanted to do was relax?
Midnight, 12:30, 1am, 2am, 3am... I woke up at all hours of the night with a hostile attitude because I couldn't breathe. I became increasingly fed up with waking up, without oxygen, to go all the way across the room to blow my nose. Be able to breathe. Walk back. Lie down. Lose my breath. I couldn't stand it but I kept trying even though my attitude just got worse. Finally, we figured out the solution but I was beginning to put a bit more efforts into the gym as I drawing closer and closer to being caught up. However, people were also were recognizing that I was back at the gym so it became harder for me to work-out without being interrupted. Yet, when it was all done and I thought I had my frustration covered I was dashing out the door at the last minute to see the person I had kept waiting all night. And my jokes were taking on an increasingly sharp nature and demeanour... One that bothered even myself.
I would sneak in with just a kiss on the lips and could immediately tell she was smiling that I was there. I was so happy to see her but was such an ass that I most concerned with myself at the immediate time. Even though I was rushing all day to see her, I never let her know. Sure, I may have said it... But I didn't show it. And as we all know... Actions speak a lot louder than worlds. Those were the actions that I should've taken before I lost someone I not only cared about but respected greatly.
As you may have guessed... I was hit with a very harsh awakening. As I talked about before, it quite often felt that I was outside of my body sometimes. While I thought I was happy over-all I didn't realize that if I kept it up it would be like trying to hold sand with my fingers spread apart. It all slipped away. As I stood there, arrogant, selfish, upset, hurt, confused, and even a little jealous... That third person view of myself grabbed by the throat and slammed into reality, but what seemed more like a glass window. It hit hard as I staggered back dazed, confused, and unsure. She was done with me, but I refused to believe it.
It wasn't right. It didn't add up. I didn't understand. I didn't change a thing... I didn't change a thing, or did I? I had become lazy. I had let the important things slip by and the worthless things chip at me. Instead of manning up, what did I do? Withdrew. It's not me. I can't stand up and take care of the ones I love if I'm not me. How do you be yourself if you're not in control? It was made very clear to me that the glass window needed to be moved, better yet broken, so that it could no longer hinder me.
It was time to get back into my own skin. Time to make my feet walk where I tell them to walk. My hands to do as I command. For my heart and my mind to work in unison. For my tongue to speak the words that my heart screams. And for my body to carry out the labor that is required to right the wrongs that I have committed. To undo and fix what can be repaired. To build upon the ground-work that has been laid. To make myself important to not only others... But to myself again.
I lived by the philosophy that a day without learning something is a day that was wasted. Well, it's time to change that a bit. I must make a concious effort to further and better myself. I can't just sit by passively and let the world slip away. I was climbing and clawing my way there but hadn't realized just how much my grib was slipping... Until I fell. Hopefully I've caught myself in time, that I can keep this promise to myself.
Maybe one day... I'll be good enough to hold the world again.