Best day, best life
Thank you for the summer. Today Carol dropped me off to pick up stuff from the pharmacy at our big medical unit, on the edge of downtown. And it is gorgeous out there - sunny, sweet, a little windy, so lovely.
My brain worked juuuuuust well enough that I could order my drugs, pick 'em up, sit outside on a nice bench in the vast front of the hospital and have a little decaf, a little pastry. My brain was working juuuuuuust well enough that I wrote the bus timing on the back of my left wrist, so that I could tell where to be when, without digging through my bus schedules again.
I walked a few blocks and waited for a bus ride. Got a transfer, got on the next one. Got off in front of our library, and told the librarian that yes, it was beautiful outside today. Just thankfully so.
This morning was pure heaven. That kind of simple little errand in this city away from home is the most glorious thing I've ever done in my life.
I just felt it, for hours, and let it be there. I know that it means my brain has emotions far, far beyond anything I've had lately, because of my tumor. I'm aware of this, but I didn't want to be cautious of this joy. No! It's so sweet compared to the fear and pain before.
Watching everyone in the hospital arena was lovely, too. Dozens of people with canes, a few in wheelchairs, a few with oxygen cans, all that stuff. I just felt like I was in a family of patients. I know it's not exactly like that for anyone else, but today I was thankful.
And this whole set of people....on the bus, for instance, there were a few healthy folks, but everyone else was a little slow, a little this and that. A little unbalanced, a little too fat or slow to move well.
I'm mentally and physically blasted. But I am thankful for life, thankful for love, thankful for existence, and thankful for everything, in ways that never, ever happened until I made it out of the house today.
Yesterday I was so depressed I couldn't think of anything but death. Today I am so glad to be alive I'm just amazed.
That means that this recovering tumor stuff is slamming me up and down emotionally. I'm writing about it today partly to have notes I can read when I'm back to feeling hideously trapped in this house, for instance. It's nice to know, it really is. But I am just going to let it fly today, let it fly.