Oh, Libby.
I suppose we should begin with the background for this little story. Every year, for the past 3 or so years, I have thrown a New Year’s Eve party for 10 or so of my friends. While I’m never sure that everyone enjoys themselves at my parties, I enjoy myself, which is really all that counts. :) There is much sparkling juice drunk, many games of Apples to Apples played, way too much cheese and crackers consumed. We watch the ball drop at midnight, with hugs and cheers all around, and then people generally go home whenever they want.
I’m not having a party this year. We’re going to visit family for New Year’s because my Great-Aunt has a family party on New Year’s Day that we haven’t been to in quite a few years. I didn’t really think to tell anyone that I wasn’t having a party. Because I wasn’t having a party, New Year’s has kind of snuck up on me. I just got a message from a friend I don’t see often anymore, asking if I was having a party or not, and saying that even if I wasn’t having a party, would I still like to hang out on New Year’s, as it had become sort of a tradition for him.
This is where my guilt kicked into overdrive. My mother jokingly says I have “the Irish-Catholic guilt.” It’s kind of funny, but also totally true. I apologize for everything, even things that can in no way be my fault. I have the overwhelming need for people to like me, and from that need stems guilt when I can’t live up to expectations, whether said expectations are imposed by others or myself. They are usually self-imposed expectations, by the way.
So now, even though I told my friend I wasn’t having a party and that maybe we could see each other next week before school started back up, I still feel incredibly bad about it. Even though I know that me not throwing a party doesn’t mean people will hate me, or that I’m a bad person, a little part of my brain is trying to convince the rest of it that if we could just work something out, everyone would be happy and no one would be disappointed in me. Even though I’m the only one who is disappointed in me right now. Even the fact that I have a legitimate thing, like the family New Year’s thing, I still feel bad about not being able to have a party. Not because I actually want to have a party, but because people expect me to have a party.
As I told Peggy earlier, I am messed up in my mind-tank.