I hurt...
This is not a complaint. This is not a cry for help. Not help from the mortal realm anyway... It is an acknowledgment. I hurt. I hurt deeply. I hurt in the type of way that races the mind and freezes the body. I am overwhelmed, overworked, and feeling alone. And yet I feel ashamed. I am so blessed. I have been gifted by the Lord. Gifted far beyond my worth. Perhaps that is the root of some of my guilt. I should be stronger. Stronger in my faith, stronger in my devotion to my family and friends, a stronger leader at work... I have been give the tools to change the world and I cannot muster the energy to change the trash. I am scared. Scared for myself, scared for my family, scared for... the list is too long. I hurt. I miss my grandma. Both of my grandmas. Life is not the same, nor will it ever be the same without them, yet I was blesses to have had them. Blessed by each of them both because of and in-spite of them. As my grandpa Amidon has been so often heard saying, "Grace was the kindest, biggest hearted woman I ever new..." I hope that now that Grandma has found rest, I hope I am a grandchild she can be proud of. I thought I had said goodbye long ago. I had dealt with her loss when I dealt with her losing her memories. She never lost her joy. She never lost her heart. She loved everyone. She was a blessing to every life she touched, even though she could not remember who they were. It did not matter. She loved fully and unconditionally. I pray the Lord bless me with half of her compassion. I pray for strength, wisdom and love. I am going to be called upon to be the man I have been preparing to be and I fear that I am about to fall short. I am going to stop writing now, I am not sure why I started... I am at a loss of what to say, what to think, or what to do... Lord give me strength. Strength born of heaven, not out of pride or selfishness... and please Lord... give me Love...