The Troy Script Has Landed!
Yes, I have finally finished my Troy in Twenty Minutes Or Thereabouts Script!
‘TROY’ - Not Yet A Major Movie. Oh, wait, it is, they just changed the story.
by armeniel
rated R
A pretty map with writing on it appears as if from nowhere. It shows the geographically challenged among the audience where Greece is. There is some completely unnecessary writing to aid the historically challenged. Those who are both historically challenged and geographically challenged wonder why they ever bought tickets to this movie.
The scene changes. We are now in Greece on a random battlefield, but the location doesn’t really matter. The geographically challenged begin to relax. There are two armies filled with a load of ugly people. The pre-teens who have sneaked in illegally crack ugly jokes and eat popcorn loudly.
[RANDOM BATTLEFIELD]
Agamemnon: Surrender!
King of Thessaly: Umm... See, I don’t really want to. So no.
Agamemnon: Surrender!
King of Thessaly: Let’s get our two best warriors to fight because, in true political style, we can’t be assed to fight our own battles!
Agamemnon: *shrugs* Yeah, okay. Achilles!
King of Thessaly: Tall Guy Who’s Only In This Movie For Comedy Value, Tall Jokes And To Show Off The Talent Of Brad Pitt’s Leg Double, come forward!
Tall Guy Who’s Only In This Movie For Comedy Value, Tall Jokes And To Show Off The Talent Of Brad Pitt’s Leg Double (hereafter called TGWOITMFCVTJATSOTTOBPLD) comes forward. Achilles doesn’t. This is noticeable because the army belonging to Agamemnon shuffles around as a unit, looking constipated. The fangirls are bored and crack more ugly jokes.
Agamemnon: Get Achilles!
[RANDOM HUT WITH NOTHING BUT A BED AND BRAD PITT, AKA FANGIRL HEAVEN]
Little boy: Hey, I’m a little young to be exposed to porn.
Achilles: Sorry, kid. What do you want?
Little boy: You gotta come fight.
Achilles: *sulks and grumbles like a spoilt teenager* But I just scored!
Fangirls in Audience: Ahh! Brad Pitt naked! Spasm! Spasm!
[OUTSIDE FANGIRL HEAVEN]
Little boy: I wouldn’t fight that guy. He’s got pretty sturdy legs.
Achilles: (Brad Pitt’s leg double strikes a pose) That is because you are pathetic and will not be remembered for anything ever and will probably have a miserable life. His legs cannot not as sturdy and pretty as my leg double- err, I mean mine!
Little boy: *grumbles* What are you, a fortune teller or a pretty guy with an equally pretty leg double who happens to be able to hold a sword?
[Insert your own sword & Patroclus-related joke here]
Achilles: I’m not gay!
Little boy: *raises eyebrows*
[BACK AT THE BATTLEFIELD]
Achilles: *stabstabmaimmaimkillkillboredboredcherrycolacherrycolakillkillwarwar*
TGWOITMFCVTJATSOTTOBPLD dies.
King of Thessaly: I bow before you, Agamemnon. Consider Greece united.
Agamemnon: Hahahahahahahaha! Hahaha! Ha!
Achilles: Hang on a minute... Who fought this battle?
[SPARTA]
The scene switches to Sparta, where Menelaus is busy toasting to peace with Troy whilst molesting the Ancient Greek equivalent of strippers who certainly aren’t his wife. Princes Hector and Paris stand around looking bored. Helen stands around looking pretty for a while before deciding to be unsociable and leaving the feast. Paris follows her whilst Hector looks on disapprovingly but doesn’t actually do anything.
[HELEN’S BEDROOM]
Helen: Don’t you know it’s rude to enter a lady’s bedroom without knocking?
Paris: ...You’re pretty. *strips*
Helen: No duh. *strips*
Paris: Come to Troy with me?
Helen: No.
Paris: Please? I’ll give you a pretty necklace...
Helen: Oh, alright then.
[PARIS’ AND HECTOR’S SHIP]
Paris is looking shifty. Hector is looking pretty.
Paris: Would you fight for me through anything?
Hector: If I say yes, can I make a cheap joke about horses?
Paris: Goes without saying.
Hector: I’m in.
Paris: (Facial expression #1- THE WORRIED LOOK) I, err, sort of convinced Helen to come with us, but it’s not as bad as it sounds, I mean, there might be a little war, but-
Hector: You WHAT?!
Paris: Did I say come with us? I meant, erm, I meant...
Helen: Coo-ee! Paris! Where are you?
Paris: Err, I meant...
Hector: You’ve got good taste, mate.
Paris: *grins* Thanks.
Hector: But that doesn’t excuse what you did! She goes back to Sparta!
Paris: Aww, please can we keep her?
Hector: Oh, alright then. To Troy!
Paris: Score!
[AGAMEMNON’S PALACE OF WAR ‘N’ STUFF, MYCENAE]
Agamemnon: Hey Menelaus. Long time no dig.
Menelaus: DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT DIGGING!
Agamemnon: Why? What’s wrong?
Menelaus: Can I give you a hypothetical situation type thing?
Agamemnon: ...Okay.
Menelaus: So, say this stupid man walked into this country and took this really cool, really attractive and butch guy with huge muscles and a great smile’s wife, and-
Agamemnon: Who took Helen?
Menelaus: *hangs head* Paris.
Agamemnon: Yes! I’m going to send loads of soldiers to their deaths in order to gain power and capture Troy, and I can make loads of cheap horse jokes in the process! I’m in!
Menelaus: And to get my wife back.
Agamemnon: *shrugs* There’s that.
Odysseus: *whispers to Agamemnon* We’re going to need Achilles...
Agamemnon: Dangnammit.
[A RANDOM ISLAND. THE GEOGRAPHICALLY CHALLENGED START TO LEAVE THE CINEMA QUIETLY BECAUSE THEY ARE CONFUSED]
Achilles is beating up the scrawny guy who he shags.
Achilles: I think, instead of shag, you mean share a special bond. A completely pure, innocent, cousinly bond.
Patroclus: Totally, baby.
Achilles: You are NOT helping! *stabstabcherrycolastabstabotherwarrystuffstabstab*
Patroclus: *is conveniently crap at fighting*
Odysseus: Hey man, you want to get loads of power and immortality and stuff?
Achilles: Sure... What do I have to do?
Odysseus: Fight for Agamemnon and Greece and Immortality and Power! Remember the power! The POW-ARRRRR!
Achilles: Okay man, calm down. I’ll fight.
Patroclus: You are so sexy when you’re accepting.
Fangirls: We agree!
Achilles: Shut up, all of you. Patroclus, you are my cousin. Nothing else. So shut up.
Patroclus: *mutters* That’s not what you said last night...
Achilles: Shut up! You know I can’t resist a French Maid- how was I supposed to know it was you?
Odysseus: Woah, too much information there, guys. I’m leaving.
[THERE IS AN IRRELEVANT SCENE WITH ACHILLES AND HIS MOTHER WHICH BLATANTLY ONLY EXISTS TO ADD ANOTHER NAME TO THE CAST LIST]
[BACK TO TROY. AGAIN.]
There’s a procession with lots of pretty people, including Paris, Helen, Hector and Hector’s skeletal wife.
Priam: Hee, my sons are home! I’m now happy! I think this calls for a little dance of joy!
Hector: We have a whole procession of joy...
Priam: One can never spread enough joy! Joy! Joy! Oooh, Paris has a girlfriend...
Helen: Hi. I’m Helen, Princess of Troy.
Priam: You’re a bit presumptuous, aren’t you? I thought you were Queen of Sparta?!
Helen: I was, but now I’m not. Deal with it.
Priam: *points at Paris* So you’re sleeping with him?
Paris: I do exist, y’know.
Priam: Uh-huh. Anyway, good luck to you, Helen.
Helen: What do you mean?
Paris: Err... Hector, have you got any more cheap horse jokes?
Hector: I’ve always got more cheap horse jokes!
Priam and Helen: Yippee! Cheap horse jokes!
They all wander off happily to make cheap horse jokes and welcome Helen into the palace, whilst giving Briseis a couple of lines just to establish that she is a) a virgin, because no one else in this damn movie is, and b) significant.
[THE BEACH OUTSIDE OF TROY, A FEW DAYS LATER]
Myrmidons: Damn, if we’d known Troy was going to be this pretty and the sea was going to be this nice, we’d have brought our bathing suits...
Patroclus: Or, y’know, we could swim nude... *raises eyebrow* How about it, Achilles?
Eudorus: *mutters* Cos he’s not totally camp or anything...
Achilles: I say we attack the beach and half of you die in the process, then we start to defend ourselves with the clever little turtle shield thingy.
Eudorus: Why don’t we just use the turtle thingy from the beginning?
Achilles: ARE YOU CHALLENGING ME?
Eudorus: Meep.
The Myrmidons attack the beach, and half die in the process. All goes according to Achilles’ cunning master plan. The other Greek armies sit around doing nothing, or perhaps swimming if they remembered their bathing suits.
Achilles: Turtle thingy now! Die, Trojans, die!
Trojans: *shrug in unison* Okay.
The Trojans die. Achilles laughs, because he is a bastard with a stick up his arse.
[THE TEMPLE OF APOLLO. WHY THIS IS OUTSIDE THE CITY, NOBODY KNOWS NOR CARES.]
Lone Historian in Audience: I care! This movie is shit!
Fangirls: Shut up! Eric Bana and Brad Pitt are in this scene!
Achilles: I laugh in the face of Apollo!
Eudorus: Psst, Achilles mate, it’s a statue.
Achilles: *shrugs* Whatever. *cuts off statue’s head and kills all the priests, then shoots one of Hector’s men from ages away*
Hector: Hey! Stop messing with Apollo!
Achilles: *laughs* What are you, his boyfriend?
Hector: *smirks* I think that’s more likely to be you than me. Patroclus, anyone?
Achilles: *mutters but lets Hector go*
Hector: *hurries off, conveniently forgetting that his cousin Briseis is inside the temple*
Briseis: Hey! Hector! What the-? Oh, shit.
Achilles: *yoinks Briseis*
[AGAMEMNON’S TENT]
Agamemnon: Ring-a-ring-a-roses, a-pocket-full-o’-Trojans, atishoo, atishoo, they all fell down! Heehee! I am truly a master of general amazingness!
Achilles: Dude, did you see what I just did? I just, like, totally took over the beach all by myself!
Agamemnon: *shrugs* You took a beach, I’ll take a city. Besides, since you’re fighting for me, the beach is mine anyway. And so’s Briseis. *yoinks Briseis*
Briseis: Fuck you!
Agamemnon: Oh yes.
[insert your own dirty innuendo joke here]
Achilles: Fuck you!
Agamemnon: Wow, I’m really gonna get some tonight.
Achilles: I’m never gonna fight for you. Ever.
Agamemnon: You just did.
Achilles: ...Shut up.
[INSIDE PALACE OF TROY]
Helen is trying to sneak out of the palace.
Helen: *mutters* Gotta go home, gotta go home, Paris is an idiot, Paris is an idiot...
Hector: *steps out of shadows* Where do you think you’re going?
Helen: ...Home?
Hector: Hell no. If the entire population of Troy is going to die for you, you’re damn well going to stay and watch it happen.
Helen: Aww crap.
[OUTSIDE GATES OF TROY]
Hector: It’s odd how a ten year siege has come to this on, like, the second day.
Agamemnon: Mm-hmm. Give us Helen and Troy, and we won’t kill you. Oh wait, yes we will. But give ‘em up anyway.
Hector: Sounds like a pretty shitty deal to me.
Paris: Can I fight Menelaus first, though? Cos this is kinda between me and him.
Agamemnon: *shrugs* Yeah, okay.
Menelaus: *kicks Paris’s ass*
Paris: *runs crying to Hector*
Hector: *stabs Menelaus*
Agamemnon: *wonders how this possibly could have happened*
Audience: *is confused*
Helen of Sparta Troy: *twiddles her thumbs*
Trojan Army: *kills Greek Army*
Hector: *royally kicks some Greek ass*
Remainder Of Greek Army: *retreats*
Achilles: *munches popcorn on the top of the hill* Woah... Totally intense action sequence, dude.
[IN AGAMEMNON’S TENT]
Odysseus: Please give Briseis back to Achilles? We need him to fight for us!
Agamemnon: Meh... I would do, but the men have her. They were bored with my cheap horse jokes, I had to give them something...
Odysseus: *sighs*
[ON THE BEACH. THERE IS A CAMPFIRE, BUT INSTEAD OF SINGING SCOUT SONGS AND TOASTING MARSHMALLOWS, THE MEN ARE MOLESTING BRISEIS]
Briseis: *is molested by men*
Achilles: *kills men and yoinks Briseis*
Briseis: *is yoinked* Oh, my life is so haaaaard, Brad Pitt wants to shag me. Woe! Angst! Woe!
[ACHILLES’ TENT]
Achilles: There’s no one here except you, me and my leg double... What do you say we add some more nude scenes to this movie?
Briseis: ...No.
Achilles: Aww, c’mon...
Briseis: Oh, alright then. There can never be enough nude scenes in a movie.
They shag passionately.
Patroclus: OMG ACHILLES YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME OMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!
Achilles: Dude, you’re my cousin, what are you doing in my tent? Leave me and hot naked chick alone. And by the way, we leave in the morning.
Briseis and Patroclus: WHAT?!
Achilles: *shrugs* Yeah, well, deal with it.
[MENELAUS’S BODY IS TORCHED. THERE IS CRYING.]
[TROJAN PALACE]
Helen is stitching up Paris’s leg.
Paris: *pathetic sniffle* My leg hurts.
Helen: I know.
Paris: Why did I run away? I just valued my life...
Helen: I know.
Paris: I’m such an idiot. And a coward.
Helen: I know.
Paris: Do you hate me?
Helen: I know.
Paris: Are you even listening to me?
Helen: I know.
[NEXT DAY AT GREEK CAMP]
Hector: Raaaaaaaaaaaar!
Trojan Army: Raaaaaaaaaaar!
Males in audience: *perk up* Did that guy mention something about bras?
Females in audience: Sssh, it’s Eric Bana!
Males in audience: *grumble* Too much slushy romantic stuff, not enough war and naked chicks.
Hector: Kill the Greeks with flaming balls!
[insert your own innuendo about loads of hot males and testosterone here]
‘Achilles’: I’ll kill you first, Hector!
Hector: *stabstab*
‘Achilles’: *diedie*
Hector: Hang on a minute, that’s not Achilles... That’s Patroclus! Damn. Should have spotted that when they started putting ‘Achilles’ in inverted commas. Uhh, I’m off, guys.
Greek Army: Phew.
Hector: But I’ll be back!
Greek Army: Damn.
[OUTSIDE ACHILLES’ TENT]
Eudorus: Umm, Achilles...
Achilles: Ye-es...
Eudorus: See, this thing happened, and, well... If I gave you this hypothetical situation where a guy’s very, very, very, very close boyfr- erm, cousin was killed, and this guy had to tell him but didn’t really want to, well, how would y-
Achilles: *grabs Eudorus’ neck* WHO KILLED PATROCLUS?
Eudorus: Meep! Hectorthoughthewasyouandtriedtokillhimandkindofsucceededhewaswearingyourarmourandeverythingyouwereonlycousinspleasedon’tbemad! Meep!
[OUTSIDE PALACE OF TROY]
Achilles rides up on a nifty horsey with a cool chariot. He calls Hector’s name. Hector takes twenty million years to come out, as he takes time to tell his wife where the escape route is, give a manly hug to the entire population of Troy and do a rain-dance just for the hell of it.
Hector: Give me a funeral if I lose?
Achilles: Nope.
Hector: Damn.
Achilles: *stabstab*
Hector: *manages to get one stab in*
Achilles: *killkill*
Hector: *diedie*
Priam: *sobsob*
Helen: *wonders a) if it would be really insensitive and b) if the population of Troy would kill her if she left now*
[GREEK CAMP- ACHILLES’ TENT]
Priam: Hey dude, guess who?
Achilles: ...Darth Vader, are you my father?
Priam: ...Wrong movie. Can I have my son’s body, please?
Achilles: Oh, it’s you. Well, I guess so.
Priam: Cool.
Achilles: Do you want twelve days off for funeral games?
Priam: Well, if you’re offering, thanks, I guess.
Achilles: You’re brave, man.
Priam: Thanks, dude.
Briseis: WTF? Uncle Priam?
Priam: WTF? Briseis?
Achilles: OMG ALL OUR HEADZ R PASTEDE ON YEY!!!!!
Priam: ...You’re sleeping with this guy?
Briseis: Well, I-
Achilles: Hey, you can go now, hot chick.
Briseis: Not anymore, Uncle.
Priam and Briseis ride away on a chariot. Either no one notices that the King of Troy has just ridden past, or no one cares.
[AGAMEMNON’S TENT]
Agamemnon: So, you gave them a ceasefire for funeral games without telling me?
Achilles: Sounds about right.
Agamemnon: *sighs* Look, you want me to draw you a diagram? We’re TRYING TO INVADE TROY. You just GAVE THEM A CEASEFIRE. That WASN’T SMART. Are you trying to DELIBARATELY UNDERMINE ME? Actually wait, that sounds like something you would try and do...
Achilles: *smirks*
Agamemnon: Damn you, Achilles!
Odysseus: Agamemnon mate, he’s damned enough already- he’s cut off the head of the statue of Apollo, stolen all the treasure, shagged the virgin priestess who, incidentally, was the only virgin in this movie, and killed the rest of the priests. Trust me, something’ll happen to him sooner or later. In the meantime, I have a plan. You wouldn’t happen to have a huge wooden horse lying around, would you?
Agamemnon: No, but I have many cheap horse jokes!
Odysseus: Don’t worry, I’ll just make one.
[JUST OUTSIDE TROY, IT APPEARS TO BE THE FIFTH DAY OF THE SIEGE AND THE GREEKS HAVE ALREADY LEFT- DAMN, THEY ‘GIVE UP’ QUICKLY.]
Priam: Oh, a pretty wooden horsey with enough room inside for many Greek soldiers! This is just what I need to cheer me up after my son Hector’s tragic death!
Paris: Burn it.
Priam: No, it’s pretty, we’re keeping it.
Paris: I’m serious- burn it!
Priam: No! It’s pretty, we’re keeping it! Wheel it into the very middle of the city, folks! Oh boy, if the Greeks were smart enough to put men in that horse we’d be putting the horse in the opportune place for them to jump out and ransack our city, but that wouldn’t happen!
Trojans apart from Paris and Helen: *laugh heartily and dance round the maypole*
Paris: *mutters darkly*
Helen: *woewoeangstangstcherrycolacherrycolaangstangstwoewoe*
Everyone in Troy gets hammered and falls asleep happy. They are distinctly less happy when the Greeks jump out of the horse and start murdering them.
Priam: ...Shit.
Paris: *mutters darkly* (Repeat of Facial Expression #1: THE WORRIED LOOK)
Achilles: Coo-ee, Briseis?! Where are you, hot chick?
[INSIDE PALACE]
Paris: Everyone inside the tunnel. Come on, get in, everybody in. Follow Hector’s skeletal wife...
Helen: But Paris, won’t you come with us?
Paris: I have to get the cousin I’ve conveniently forgotten about for the whole first half of this movie.
Helen: ...Okay. Have fun with that.
Paris: Hey, kid, what’s your name?
Kid: I am Patroclus reincarnated! Hahahahahahaha!
Paris: No, seriously.
Kid: *sulks* Fine. I’m Aeneas.
Paris: Take the sword of Troy and found a new nation. But give it back to me if I ever get there.
Aeneas: *shrugs* Okay.
[ALSO IN PALACE OF TROY, SOME OTHER RANDOM PLACE]
Achilles: Briseis!
Briseis: Paris!
Priam: Hector! Oh no, wait, he’s dead.
Agamemnon: *creeps up on Priam from behind*
[insert your own innuendo about things coming from behind here]
Priam: *watches Greeks ransack palace* Have you no honour?
Agamemnon: *stabstabcherrycolacherrycolakillkill*
Priam: *dies*
Agamemnon: Well now that’s happened, what do you think?
Briseis: OMGWTFBBQ YOU JUST KILLED MY UNCLE! YOU BASTARD!
Agamemnon: Hey hot chick, wanna make a different kind of music?
Briseis: Is that your idea of a chat up line?
Agamemnon: Hey, give me a break, I’m out of practice.
Briseis: *stabstabcherrycolacherrycolakillkill*
Agamemnon: *dies*
Greek Soldiers: OMGWTFBBQ YOU JUST KILLED OUR LEADER! YOU BITCH!
Achilles: Raaaaaar!
Males in Audience: Bra? What bra?
Females in Audience: Shut up!
Greek Soldiers: *shrink away from Achilles* Meep! He wasn’t a good leader anyway!
Achilles: *stabs random Greeks*
Briseis: Achilles!
Achilles: Briseis!
Paris: Raaaaar!
Males in Audience: STOP DOING THAT! We are trying to sleep through the slushy romantic bits, but you keep waking us up with bra-talk!
Paris: *shoots Achilles in the heel with his new found archery skills*
Briseis: SHIT! Paris, why are you such a useless, stupid and generally annoying cousin with an extra dose of idioticness?
Paris: What the fuck? I finally do something useful for the first time in this goddamn movie and people STILL SHOUT AT ME! What do I have to do to get a ‘Thank you’ around here?!
Achilles: Just a hint mate, but maybe you screwed up somewhere around bringing Helen back to Troy in the first place...
Paris: Now seriously, just die. *fires some more arrows at Achilles*
Achilles: *dies dramatically*
Briseis: Nooooo, Achilles!
Paris: *points at Achilles* Wait, you’re sleeping with him?
Briseis: Well I was, until you KILLED HIM.
Paris: Uh, sorry about that. Anyway, we have to go now Briseis.
Briseis: Nooooo, Achilles!
Achilles: Go on, hot chick. Go with your scrawny cousin. I’m pretty much dead, anyway. It’s not like you’re getting a last shag or anything.
Briseis: *sulks* Fine, maybe I will.
Achilles: *dies dramatically and much more slowly than he actually would do if hit by, like, thirty arrows*
Greek Soldiers: Y’know, we still like this guy even though he’s tried to kill us multiple times... *angstangstwoewoesobsob*
Achilles dies. Briseis and Paris run off and safely escape the burning city of Troy to follow Helen and Hector’s skeletal wife. There are many crashing crescendos (alliteration is where it’s at, guys) and cruising choruses (okay, just one more) and a few more crushing chords (fine, I’ll stop now) before Achilles’ very dramatic funeral.
[THERE IS EVEN MORE DRAMATIC MUSIC (BLOODY HELL, THEY’RE GOING OVERBOARD ON THE DRAMA, AREN’T THEY?) AND BECAUSE THERE HAS TO BE A TOUCHING CONCLUSION TO EVERY HOLLYWOOD EPIC, THEY DECIDED TO STUFF ONE IN HERE]
Odysseus: And because there has to be a moral or tear-jerking conclusion to everything, here we come to ours.
Fangirls: *snore*
Lone Historian In Audience: Shush!
Odysseus: So now I shall spout some corny, sentimental Hollywood shit that totally wrecks my character’s cooler-than-cool image about remembering Greek heroes, when all they actually did was fight, kill and die. Nothing spectacular, really. But then you take people in the background like me. See, I think you’ll see that I am the real hero of this tale- Achilles was too up himself, Hector was too pretty, Paris was too scrawny and generally useless, Helen was a selfish cow, Priam was stupid, and what kind of a virgin priestess was Briseis? So really, it was all about me. And I think that-
The audience begin to get up and leave as they are bored out of their minds.
Odysseus: Wait! Wait! Remember the deeds the Greek heroes did! ‘Cos they were, like, totally far out! REMEMBER THE TITANS!
Fangirls: *throw popcorn at the screen and boo*
Sane Members of the Audience: Oh my God...
The audience exit the cinema making appreciative noises. The film executives and Hollywood bigwigs refill their swimming pools of money and roll in them some more.
THE END
So yes, that was that. Please give thoughts and feedback- I thought it was funny, but I have a rather twisted sense of humour.
-armeniel xxxx
‘TROY’ - Not Yet A Major Movie. Oh, wait, it is, they just changed the story.
by armeniel
rated R
A pretty map with writing on it appears as if from nowhere. It shows the geographically challenged among the audience where Greece is. There is some completely unnecessary writing to aid the historically challenged. Those who are both historically challenged and geographically challenged wonder why they ever bought tickets to this movie.
The scene changes. We are now in Greece on a random battlefield, but the location doesn’t really matter. The geographically challenged begin to relax. There are two armies filled with a load of ugly people. The pre-teens who have sneaked in illegally crack ugly jokes and eat popcorn loudly.
[RANDOM BATTLEFIELD]
Agamemnon: Surrender!
King of Thessaly: Umm... See, I don’t really want to. So no.
Agamemnon: Surrender!
King of Thessaly: Let’s get our two best warriors to fight because, in true political style, we can’t be assed to fight our own battles!
Agamemnon: *shrugs* Yeah, okay. Achilles!
King of Thessaly: Tall Guy Who’s Only In This Movie For Comedy Value, Tall Jokes And To Show Off The Talent Of Brad Pitt’s Leg Double, come forward!
Tall Guy Who’s Only In This Movie For Comedy Value, Tall Jokes And To Show Off The Talent Of Brad Pitt’s Leg Double (hereafter called TGWOITMFCVTJATSOTTOBPLD) comes forward. Achilles doesn’t. This is noticeable because the army belonging to Agamemnon shuffles around as a unit, looking constipated. The fangirls are bored and crack more ugly jokes.
Agamemnon: Get Achilles!
[RANDOM HUT WITH NOTHING BUT A BED AND BRAD PITT, AKA FANGIRL HEAVEN]
Little boy: Hey, I’m a little young to be exposed to porn.
Achilles: Sorry, kid. What do you want?
Little boy: You gotta come fight.
Achilles: *sulks and grumbles like a spoilt teenager* But I just scored!
Fangirls in Audience: Ahh! Brad Pitt naked! Spasm! Spasm!
[OUTSIDE FANGIRL HEAVEN]
Little boy: I wouldn’t fight that guy. He’s got pretty sturdy legs.
Achilles: (Brad Pitt’s leg double strikes a pose) That is because you are pathetic and will not be remembered for anything ever and will probably have a miserable life. His legs cannot not as sturdy and pretty as my leg double- err, I mean mine!
Little boy: *grumbles* What are you, a fortune teller or a pretty guy with an equally pretty leg double who happens to be able to hold a sword?
[Insert your own sword & Patroclus-related joke here]
Achilles: I’m not gay!
Little boy: *raises eyebrows*
[BACK AT THE BATTLEFIELD]
Achilles: *stabstabmaimmaimkillkillboredboredcherrycolacherrycolakillkillwarwar*
TGWOITMFCVTJATSOTTOBPLD dies.
King of Thessaly: I bow before you, Agamemnon. Consider Greece united.
Agamemnon: Hahahahahahahaha! Hahaha! Ha!
Achilles: Hang on a minute... Who fought this battle?
[SPARTA]
The scene switches to Sparta, where Menelaus is busy toasting to peace with Troy whilst molesting the Ancient Greek equivalent of strippers who certainly aren’t his wife. Princes Hector and Paris stand around looking bored. Helen stands around looking pretty for a while before deciding to be unsociable and leaving the feast. Paris follows her whilst Hector looks on disapprovingly but doesn’t actually do anything.
[HELEN’S BEDROOM]
Helen: Don’t you know it’s rude to enter a lady’s bedroom without knocking?
Paris: ...You’re pretty. *strips*
Helen: No duh. *strips*
Paris: Come to Troy with me?
Helen: No.
Paris: Please? I’ll give you a pretty necklace...
Helen: Oh, alright then.
[PARIS’ AND HECTOR’S SHIP]
Paris is looking shifty. Hector is looking pretty.
Paris: Would you fight for me through anything?
Hector: If I say yes, can I make a cheap joke about horses?
Paris: Goes without saying.
Hector: I’m in.
Paris: (Facial expression #1- THE WORRIED LOOK) I, err, sort of convinced Helen to come with us, but it’s not as bad as it sounds, I mean, there might be a little war, but-
Hector: You WHAT?!
Paris: Did I say come with us? I meant, erm, I meant...
Helen: Coo-ee! Paris! Where are you?
Paris: Err, I meant...
Hector: You’ve got good taste, mate.
Paris: *grins* Thanks.
Hector: But that doesn’t excuse what you did! She goes back to Sparta!
Paris: Aww, please can we keep her?
Hector: Oh, alright then. To Troy!
Paris: Score!
[AGAMEMNON’S PALACE OF WAR ‘N’ STUFF, MYCENAE]
Agamemnon: Hey Menelaus. Long time no dig.
Menelaus: DON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT DIGGING!
Agamemnon: Why? What’s wrong?
Menelaus: Can I give you a hypothetical situation type thing?
Agamemnon: ...Okay.
Menelaus: So, say this stupid man walked into this country and took this really cool, really attractive and butch guy with huge muscles and a great smile’s wife, and-
Agamemnon: Who took Helen?
Menelaus: *hangs head* Paris.
Agamemnon: Yes! I’m going to send loads of soldiers to their deaths in order to gain power and capture Troy, and I can make loads of cheap horse jokes in the process! I’m in!
Menelaus: And to get my wife back.
Agamemnon: *shrugs* There’s that.
Odysseus: *whispers to Agamemnon* We’re going to need Achilles...
Agamemnon: Dangnammit.
[A RANDOM ISLAND. THE GEOGRAPHICALLY CHALLENGED START TO LEAVE THE CINEMA QUIETLY BECAUSE THEY ARE CONFUSED]
Achilles is beating up the scrawny guy who he shags.
Achilles: I think, instead of shag, you mean share a special bond. A completely pure, innocent, cousinly bond.
Patroclus: Totally, baby.
Achilles: You are NOT helping! *stabstabcherrycolastabstabotherwarrystuffstabstab*
Patroclus: *is conveniently crap at fighting*
Odysseus: Hey man, you want to get loads of power and immortality and stuff?
Achilles: Sure... What do I have to do?
Odysseus: Fight for Agamemnon and Greece and Immortality and Power! Remember the power! The POW-ARRRRR!
Achilles: Okay man, calm down. I’ll fight.
Patroclus: You are so sexy when you’re accepting.
Fangirls: We agree!
Achilles: Shut up, all of you. Patroclus, you are my cousin. Nothing else. So shut up.
Patroclus: *mutters* That’s not what you said last night...
Achilles: Shut up! You know I can’t resist a French Maid- how was I supposed to know it was you?
Odysseus: Woah, too much information there, guys. I’m leaving.
[THERE IS AN IRRELEVANT SCENE WITH ACHILLES AND HIS MOTHER WHICH BLATANTLY ONLY EXISTS TO ADD ANOTHER NAME TO THE CAST LIST]
[BACK TO TROY. AGAIN.]
There’s a procession with lots of pretty people, including Paris, Helen, Hector and Hector’s skeletal wife.
Priam: Hee, my sons are home! I’m now happy! I think this calls for a little dance of joy!
Hector: We have a whole procession of joy...
Priam: One can never spread enough joy! Joy! Joy! Oooh, Paris has a girlfriend...
Helen: Hi. I’m Helen, Princess of Troy.
Priam: You’re a bit presumptuous, aren’t you? I thought you were Queen of Sparta?!
Helen: I was, but now I’m not. Deal with it.
Priam: *points at Paris* So you’re sleeping with him?
Paris: I do exist, y’know.
Priam: Uh-huh. Anyway, good luck to you, Helen.
Helen: What do you mean?
Paris: Err... Hector, have you got any more cheap horse jokes?
Hector: I’ve always got more cheap horse jokes!
Priam and Helen: Yippee! Cheap horse jokes!
They all wander off happily to make cheap horse jokes and welcome Helen into the palace, whilst giving Briseis a couple of lines just to establish that she is a) a virgin, because no one else in this damn movie is, and b) significant.
[THE BEACH OUTSIDE OF TROY, A FEW DAYS LATER]
Myrmidons: Damn, if we’d known Troy was going to be this pretty and the sea was going to be this nice, we’d have brought our bathing suits...
Patroclus: Or, y’know, we could swim nude... *raises eyebrow* How about it, Achilles?
Eudorus: *mutters* Cos he’s not totally camp or anything...
Achilles: I say we attack the beach and half of you die in the process, then we start to defend ourselves with the clever little turtle shield thingy.
Eudorus: Why don’t we just use the turtle thingy from the beginning?
Achilles: ARE YOU CHALLENGING ME?
Eudorus: Meep.
The Myrmidons attack the beach, and half die in the process. All goes according to Achilles’ cunning master plan. The other Greek armies sit around doing nothing, or perhaps swimming if they remembered their bathing suits.
Achilles: Turtle thingy now! Die, Trojans, die!
Trojans: *shrug in unison* Okay.
The Trojans die. Achilles laughs, because he is a bastard with a stick up his arse.
[THE TEMPLE OF APOLLO. WHY THIS IS OUTSIDE THE CITY, NOBODY KNOWS NOR CARES.]
Lone Historian in Audience: I care! This movie is shit!
Fangirls: Shut up! Eric Bana and Brad Pitt are in this scene!
Achilles: I laugh in the face of Apollo!
Eudorus: Psst, Achilles mate, it’s a statue.
Achilles: *shrugs* Whatever. *cuts off statue’s head and kills all the priests, then shoots one of Hector’s men from ages away*
Hector: Hey! Stop messing with Apollo!
Achilles: *laughs* What are you, his boyfriend?
Hector: *smirks* I think that’s more likely to be you than me. Patroclus, anyone?
Achilles: *mutters but lets Hector go*
Hector: *hurries off, conveniently forgetting that his cousin Briseis is inside the temple*
Briseis: Hey! Hector! What the-? Oh, shit.
Achilles: *yoinks Briseis*
[AGAMEMNON’S TENT]
Agamemnon: Ring-a-ring-a-roses, a-pocket-full-o’-Trojans, atishoo, atishoo, they all fell down! Heehee! I am truly a master of general amazingness!
Achilles: Dude, did you see what I just did? I just, like, totally took over the beach all by myself!
Agamemnon: *shrugs* You took a beach, I’ll take a city. Besides, since you’re fighting for me, the beach is mine anyway. And so’s Briseis. *yoinks Briseis*
Briseis: Fuck you!
Agamemnon: Oh yes.
[insert your own dirty innuendo joke here]
Achilles: Fuck you!
Agamemnon: Wow, I’m really gonna get some tonight.
Achilles: I’m never gonna fight for you. Ever.
Agamemnon: You just did.
Achilles: ...Shut up.
[INSIDE PALACE OF TROY]
Helen is trying to sneak out of the palace.
Helen: *mutters* Gotta go home, gotta go home, Paris is an idiot, Paris is an idiot...
Hector: *steps out of shadows* Where do you think you’re going?
Helen: ...Home?
Hector: Hell no. If the entire population of Troy is going to die for you, you’re damn well going to stay and watch it happen.
Helen: Aww crap.
[OUTSIDE GATES OF TROY]
Hector: It’s odd how a ten year siege has come to this on, like, the second day.
Agamemnon: Mm-hmm. Give us Helen and Troy, and we won’t kill you. Oh wait, yes we will. But give ‘em up anyway.
Hector: Sounds like a pretty shitty deal to me.
Paris: Can I fight Menelaus first, though? Cos this is kinda between me and him.
Agamemnon: *shrugs* Yeah, okay.
Menelaus: *kicks Paris’s ass*
Paris: *runs crying to Hector*
Hector: *stabs Menelaus*
Agamemnon: *wonders how this possibly could have happened*
Audience: *is confused*
Helen of Sparta Troy: *twiddles her thumbs*
Trojan Army: *kills Greek Army*
Hector: *royally kicks some Greek ass*
Remainder Of Greek Army: *retreats*
Achilles: *munches popcorn on the top of the hill* Woah... Totally intense action sequence, dude.
[IN AGAMEMNON’S TENT]
Odysseus: Please give Briseis back to Achilles? We need him to fight for us!
Agamemnon: Meh... I would do, but the men have her. They were bored with my cheap horse jokes, I had to give them something...
Odysseus: *sighs*
[ON THE BEACH. THERE IS A CAMPFIRE, BUT INSTEAD OF SINGING SCOUT SONGS AND TOASTING MARSHMALLOWS, THE MEN ARE MOLESTING BRISEIS]
Briseis: *is molested by men*
Achilles: *kills men and yoinks Briseis*
Briseis: *is yoinked* Oh, my life is so haaaaard, Brad Pitt wants to shag me. Woe! Angst! Woe!
[ACHILLES’ TENT]
Achilles: There’s no one here except you, me and my leg double... What do you say we add some more nude scenes to this movie?
Briseis: ...No.
Achilles: Aww, c’mon...
Briseis: Oh, alright then. There can never be enough nude scenes in a movie.
They shag passionately.
Patroclus: OMG ACHILLES YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME OMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!
Achilles: Dude, you’re my cousin, what are you doing in my tent? Leave me and hot naked chick alone. And by the way, we leave in the morning.
Briseis and Patroclus: WHAT?!
Achilles: *shrugs* Yeah, well, deal with it.
[MENELAUS’S BODY IS TORCHED. THERE IS CRYING.]
[TROJAN PALACE]
Helen is stitching up Paris’s leg.
Paris: *pathetic sniffle* My leg hurts.
Helen: I know.
Paris: Why did I run away? I just valued my life...
Helen: I know.
Paris: I’m such an idiot. And a coward.
Helen: I know.
Paris: Do you hate me?
Helen: I know.
Paris: Are you even listening to me?
Helen: I know.
[NEXT DAY AT GREEK CAMP]
Hector: Raaaaaaaaaaaar!
Trojan Army: Raaaaaaaaaaar!
Males in audience: *perk up* Did that guy mention something about bras?
Females in audience: Sssh, it’s Eric Bana!
Males in audience: *grumble* Too much slushy romantic stuff, not enough war and naked chicks.
Hector: Kill the Greeks with flaming balls!
[insert your own innuendo about loads of hot males and testosterone here]
‘Achilles’: I’ll kill you first, Hector!
Hector: *stabstab*
‘Achilles’: *diedie*
Hector: Hang on a minute, that’s not Achilles... That’s Patroclus! Damn. Should have spotted that when they started putting ‘Achilles’ in inverted commas. Uhh, I’m off, guys.
Greek Army: Phew.
Hector: But I’ll be back!
Greek Army: Damn.
[OUTSIDE ACHILLES’ TENT]
Eudorus: Umm, Achilles...
Achilles: Ye-es...
Eudorus: See, this thing happened, and, well... If I gave you this hypothetical situation where a guy’s very, very, very, very close boyfr- erm, cousin was killed, and this guy had to tell him but didn’t really want to, well, how would y-
Achilles: *grabs Eudorus’ neck* WHO KILLED PATROCLUS?
Eudorus: Meep! Hectorthoughthewasyouandtriedtokillhimandkindofsucceededhewaswearingyourarmourandeverythingyouwereonlycousinspleasedon’tbemad! Meep!
[OUTSIDE PALACE OF TROY]
Achilles rides up on a nifty horsey with a cool chariot. He calls Hector’s name. Hector takes twenty million years to come out, as he takes time to tell his wife where the escape route is, give a manly hug to the entire population of Troy and do a rain-dance just for the hell of it.
Hector: Give me a funeral if I lose?
Achilles: Nope.
Hector: Damn.
Achilles: *stabstab*
Hector: *manages to get one stab in*
Achilles: *killkill*
Hector: *diedie*
Priam: *sobsob*
Helen: *wonders a) if it would be really insensitive and b) if the population of Troy would kill her if she left now*
[GREEK CAMP- ACHILLES’ TENT]
Priam: Hey dude, guess who?
Achilles: ...Darth Vader, are you my father?
Priam: ...Wrong movie. Can I have my son’s body, please?
Achilles: Oh, it’s you. Well, I guess so.
Priam: Cool.
Achilles: Do you want twelve days off for funeral games?
Priam: Well, if you’re offering, thanks, I guess.
Achilles: You’re brave, man.
Priam: Thanks, dude.
Briseis: WTF? Uncle Priam?
Priam: WTF? Briseis?
Achilles: OMG ALL OUR HEADZ R PASTEDE ON YEY!!!!!
Priam: ...You’re sleeping with this guy?
Briseis: Well, I-
Achilles: Hey, you can go now, hot chick.
Briseis: Not anymore, Uncle.
Priam and Briseis ride away on a chariot. Either no one notices that the King of Troy has just ridden past, or no one cares.
[AGAMEMNON’S TENT]
Agamemnon: So, you gave them a ceasefire for funeral games without telling me?
Achilles: Sounds about right.
Agamemnon: *sighs* Look, you want me to draw you a diagram? We’re TRYING TO INVADE TROY. You just GAVE THEM A CEASEFIRE. That WASN’T SMART. Are you trying to DELIBARATELY UNDERMINE ME? Actually wait, that sounds like something you would try and do...
Achilles: *smirks*
Agamemnon: Damn you, Achilles!
Odysseus: Agamemnon mate, he’s damned enough already- he’s cut off the head of the statue of Apollo, stolen all the treasure, shagged the virgin priestess who, incidentally, was the only virgin in this movie, and killed the rest of the priests. Trust me, something’ll happen to him sooner or later. In the meantime, I have a plan. You wouldn’t happen to have a huge wooden horse lying around, would you?
Agamemnon: No, but I have many cheap horse jokes!
Odysseus: Don’t worry, I’ll just make one.
[JUST OUTSIDE TROY, IT APPEARS TO BE THE FIFTH DAY OF THE SIEGE AND THE GREEKS HAVE ALREADY LEFT- DAMN, THEY ‘GIVE UP’ QUICKLY.]
Priam: Oh, a pretty wooden horsey with enough room inside for many Greek soldiers! This is just what I need to cheer me up after my son Hector’s tragic death!
Paris: Burn it.
Priam: No, it’s pretty, we’re keeping it.
Paris: I’m serious- burn it!
Priam: No! It’s pretty, we’re keeping it! Wheel it into the very middle of the city, folks! Oh boy, if the Greeks were smart enough to put men in that horse we’d be putting the horse in the opportune place for them to jump out and ransack our city, but that wouldn’t happen!
Trojans apart from Paris and Helen: *laugh heartily and dance round the maypole*
Paris: *mutters darkly*
Helen: *woewoeangstangstcherrycolacherrycolaangstangstwoewoe*
Everyone in Troy gets hammered and falls asleep happy. They are distinctly less happy when the Greeks jump out of the horse and start murdering them.
Priam: ...Shit.
Paris: *mutters darkly* (Repeat of Facial Expression #1: THE WORRIED LOOK)
Achilles: Coo-ee, Briseis?! Where are you, hot chick?
[INSIDE PALACE]
Paris: Everyone inside the tunnel. Come on, get in, everybody in. Follow Hector’s skeletal wife...
Helen: But Paris, won’t you come with us?
Paris: I have to get the cousin I’ve conveniently forgotten about for the whole first half of this movie.
Helen: ...Okay. Have fun with that.
Paris: Hey, kid, what’s your name?
Kid: I am Patroclus reincarnated! Hahahahahahaha!
Paris: No, seriously.
Kid: *sulks* Fine. I’m Aeneas.
Paris: Take the sword of Troy and found a new nation. But give it back to me if I ever get there.
Aeneas: *shrugs* Okay.
[ALSO IN PALACE OF TROY, SOME OTHER RANDOM PLACE]
Achilles: Briseis!
Briseis: Paris!
Priam: Hector! Oh no, wait, he’s dead.
Agamemnon: *creeps up on Priam from behind*
[insert your own innuendo about things coming from behind here]
Priam: *watches Greeks ransack palace* Have you no honour?
Agamemnon: *stabstabcherrycolacherrycolakillkill*
Priam: *dies*
Agamemnon: Well now that’s happened, what do you think?
Briseis: OMGWTFBBQ YOU JUST KILLED MY UNCLE! YOU BASTARD!
Agamemnon: Hey hot chick, wanna make a different kind of music?
Briseis: Is that your idea of a chat up line?
Agamemnon: Hey, give me a break, I’m out of practice.
Briseis: *stabstabcherrycolacherrycolakillkill*
Agamemnon: *dies*
Greek Soldiers: OMGWTFBBQ YOU JUST KILLED OUR LEADER! YOU BITCH!
Achilles: Raaaaaar!
Males in Audience: Bra? What bra?
Females in Audience: Shut up!
Greek Soldiers: *shrink away from Achilles* Meep! He wasn’t a good leader anyway!
Achilles: *stabs random Greeks*
Briseis: Achilles!
Achilles: Briseis!
Paris: Raaaaar!
Males in Audience: STOP DOING THAT! We are trying to sleep through the slushy romantic bits, but you keep waking us up with bra-talk!
Paris: *shoots Achilles in the heel with his new found archery skills*
Briseis: SHIT! Paris, why are you such a useless, stupid and generally annoying cousin with an extra dose of idioticness?
Paris: What the fuck? I finally do something useful for the first time in this goddamn movie and people STILL SHOUT AT ME! What do I have to do to get a ‘Thank you’ around here?!
Achilles: Just a hint mate, but maybe you screwed up somewhere around bringing Helen back to Troy in the first place...
Paris: Now seriously, just die. *fires some more arrows at Achilles*
Achilles: *dies dramatically*
Briseis: Nooooo, Achilles!
Paris: *points at Achilles* Wait, you’re sleeping with him?
Briseis: Well I was, until you KILLED HIM.
Paris: Uh, sorry about that. Anyway, we have to go now Briseis.
Briseis: Nooooo, Achilles!
Achilles: Go on, hot chick. Go with your scrawny cousin. I’m pretty much dead, anyway. It’s not like you’re getting a last shag or anything.
Briseis: *sulks* Fine, maybe I will.
Achilles: *dies dramatically and much more slowly than he actually would do if hit by, like, thirty arrows*
Greek Soldiers: Y’know, we still like this guy even though he’s tried to kill us multiple times... *angstangstwoewoesobsob*
Achilles dies. Briseis and Paris run off and safely escape the burning city of Troy to follow Helen and Hector’s skeletal wife. There are many crashing crescendos (alliteration is where it’s at, guys) and cruising choruses (okay, just one more) and a few more crushing chords (fine, I’ll stop now) before Achilles’ very dramatic funeral.
[THERE IS EVEN MORE DRAMATIC MUSIC (BLOODY HELL, THEY’RE GOING OVERBOARD ON THE DRAMA, AREN’T THEY?) AND BECAUSE THERE HAS TO BE A TOUCHING CONCLUSION TO EVERY HOLLYWOOD EPIC, THEY DECIDED TO STUFF ONE IN HERE]
Odysseus: And because there has to be a moral or tear-jerking conclusion to everything, here we come to ours.
Fangirls: *snore*
Lone Historian In Audience: Shush!
Odysseus: So now I shall spout some corny, sentimental Hollywood shit that totally wrecks my character’s cooler-than-cool image about remembering Greek heroes, when all they actually did was fight, kill and die. Nothing spectacular, really. But then you take people in the background like me. See, I think you’ll see that I am the real hero of this tale- Achilles was too up himself, Hector was too pretty, Paris was too scrawny and generally useless, Helen was a selfish cow, Priam was stupid, and what kind of a virgin priestess was Briseis? So really, it was all about me. And I think that-
The audience begin to get up and leave as they are bored out of their minds.
Odysseus: Wait! Wait! Remember the deeds the Greek heroes did! ‘Cos they were, like, totally far out! REMEMBER THE TITANS!
Fangirls: *throw popcorn at the screen and boo*
Sane Members of the Audience: Oh my God...
The audience exit the cinema making appreciative noises. The film executives and Hollywood bigwigs refill their swimming pools of money and roll in them some more.
THE END
So yes, that was that. Please give thoughts and feedback- I thought it was funny, but I have a rather twisted sense of humour.
-armeniel xxxx