It's like you feel home sick for a place that doesn't even exist...
Last nite I slept on the floor...
It's been a rough week and it just keeps getting worse
I have to find even the smallest things just to keep from breaking down
I'm broke
flat broke
My parents kept giving me money and I thought that if I only spent it on foood that I would be ok
..but I guess not
I bought the Scrubs 4 dvd and apparently I only have $8 in singles left
so I have no money
...I'm crying now just thinking about it
I'm with friends and i feel like shit
i slept on the wood floor last nite cuz noone wanted to make room for me
my mom called last nite and told me that i have failed 2 out of 3 of my classes in college
now if i don't pass one more class they pull my financial aid
but more than that i think if that'd happen i'd drop out...
atleast that's how i feel now...
i just think that if i can't make it through 2 terms, what chance do i have?
so what then?
i go home?
find a job and try to make a living?
and do what?
work at the theatre and hang out with friends?
go no where?
plus the girl, who i apparently didnt love cuz it was just an infatuation
broke up with me
and went right on to the next guy
she hasn't called since i left
tho she said she would
she keeps telling me we would stay friends
and she even said that she wanted to visit me and she keeps acting like she still has some sort of feelings for me
but i know her
and i knnow her personality type
mainly cuz she reminds me of me
and i know that if she has a problem she is trying to escape
she will escape it
and leave it all behind
and ik that i can be rash and irrational when i do that
...so i guess she will be too
she pushed me away the whole time i was home
but she kept wanting to have me around...
she's confused
and it's hurting me
but i guess it's all just a guess
maybe she never loved me anyway...
i guess it doesn't matter now
she has someone else
someone who reminds her of me
...but is able to be there for her
she keeps dangeling the idea of us getting back together in front of me but idk if that would work
we need to work on alot of things b4 that happens
...if it does
she keeps saying that if i come back i can party with her and maybe i'll get lucky...
but I wont get lucky that way
that's not what i want
i want love
not sex
and i'm becoming afraid that that is all that we were...
and if that's true than it can never be again
but i loved her
though she was mean to me
she was young
which is my fault
i should have known better
but it felt like we could work through anything
...i guess not
and now she wont call me
i thought that she cared and on some level i think that she does
but she doesn't know what to do so she runs away
so here i am
broke
on a floor
with the infatuation of a girl that moved on
declining grades
and a failing life
nothing to look forward to but hurt and loss
and noone to be with me to hold my head up
to keep me in this...
i thought she would be there
lol
and i put too much stock again in a good thing
and it's gone again
will it ever work?
do i get to win
or does it just get worse
i wish i had someone to care for and who would care for me
it always seems to go one way
...
i guess i lose
It's been a rough week and it just keeps getting worse
I have to find even the smallest things just to keep from breaking down
I'm broke
flat broke
My parents kept giving me money and I thought that if I only spent it on foood that I would be ok
..but I guess not
I bought the Scrubs 4 dvd and apparently I only have $8 in singles left
so I have no money
...I'm crying now just thinking about it
I'm with friends and i feel like shit
i slept on the wood floor last nite cuz noone wanted to make room for me
my mom called last nite and told me that i have failed 2 out of 3 of my classes in college
now if i don't pass one more class they pull my financial aid
but more than that i think if that'd happen i'd drop out...
atleast that's how i feel now...
i just think that if i can't make it through 2 terms, what chance do i have?
so what then?
i go home?
find a job and try to make a living?
and do what?
work at the theatre and hang out with friends?
go no where?
plus the girl, who i apparently didnt love cuz it was just an infatuation
broke up with me
and went right on to the next guy
she hasn't called since i left
tho she said she would
she keeps telling me we would stay friends
and she even said that she wanted to visit me and she keeps acting like she still has some sort of feelings for me
but i know her
and i knnow her personality type
mainly cuz she reminds me of me
and i know that if she has a problem she is trying to escape
she will escape it
and leave it all behind
and ik that i can be rash and irrational when i do that
...so i guess she will be too
she pushed me away the whole time i was home
but she kept wanting to have me around...
she's confused
and it's hurting me
but i guess it's all just a guess
maybe she never loved me anyway...
i guess it doesn't matter now
she has someone else
someone who reminds her of me
...but is able to be there for her
she keeps dangeling the idea of us getting back together in front of me but idk if that would work
we need to work on alot of things b4 that happens
...if it does
she keeps saying that if i come back i can party with her and maybe i'll get lucky...
but I wont get lucky that way
that's not what i want
i want love
not sex
and i'm becoming afraid that that is all that we were...
and if that's true than it can never be again
but i loved her
though she was mean to me
she was young
which is my fault
i should have known better
but it felt like we could work through anything
...i guess not
and now she wont call me
i thought that she cared and on some level i think that she does
but she doesn't know what to do so she runs away
so here i am
broke
on a floor
with the infatuation of a girl that moved on
declining grades
and a failing life
nothing to look forward to but hurt and loss
and noone to be with me to hold my head up
to keep me in this...
i thought she would be there
lol
and i put too much stock again in a good thing
and it's gone again
will it ever work?
do i get to win
or does it just get worse
i wish i had someone to care for and who would care for me
it always seems to go one way
...
i guess i lose