year eight
It's been a bit of a messed up year. I've been... kinda broken in my head. I guess the pressure of things wore me down, mainly from thesis and from the ex. The former has been building for years and I've become despondent; it's not the life I want but it would be a waste to not finish. The latter was emotionally abusive and mentally broke me, and I really never recovered from that.
So I actually got a retroactive medical leave of absence from school for the past year. But the problem is my time limits are still ticking and basically they're coming up again and I'm frozen. This gorram mental paralysis hits me and I lose days just staring at a computer screen. I dread when someone asks me "how was your day?", because how do I answer that I was a mental vegetable and could barely drag myself out of bed? And when I don't get anything done, I feel sick with guilt, which then feeds into the next day.
It's stupid. I should know better. I should do better. I should kick my ass and move. But I can't. I need to, but I can't. I won't? I want to. I can't drown in this, but each day is just a struggle for air when I haven't learned to swim.
It would help if I could sleep.
So I actually got a retroactive medical leave of absence from school for the past year. But the problem is my time limits are still ticking and basically they're coming up again and I'm frozen. This gorram mental paralysis hits me and I lose days just staring at a computer screen. I dread when someone asks me "how was your day?", because how do I answer that I was a mental vegetable and could barely drag myself out of bed? And when I don't get anything done, I feel sick with guilt, which then feeds into the next day.
It's stupid. I should know better. I should do better. I should kick my ass and move. But I can't. I need to, but I can't. I won't? I want to. I can't drown in this, but each day is just a struggle for air when I haven't learned to swim.
It would help if I could sleep.