at my wit's end, part 2
While out at dinner with some work people the other day (who are all mostly around my parents' age), they're talking about their kids (who are all around my age) and they're talking about one guy's son and how he's a good boy and is so nice to everybody, and then the father very meekly says "my son isn't very nice to me..." There's a moment of awkward silence, then some of the others fill in and say the dad is such a kidder because he son is really a great guy. But the father just kinda slumps into his chair and repeats "my son isn't very nice to me".
This struck a cord with me. What would make him say such a thing? I know his son quite well, and I tried to figure out where the dad was coming from. After a few seconds though, it dawned on me, rather bitterly, because I could see my mother somehow saying the same thing. How we behave amoung others and within our own families is sadly very different at times. Many would envy my family. We seem loving and supportive of each other, but there's this thread of spite and deception that runs deep. I love my mother, I really do, but so often I have nothing but harsh words to throw at her. I doubt everything that she says, I doubt her motives, and I can't trust her anymore.
Ultimately, it comes down to respect. I hate myself for saying it, but I don't respect my mother anymore. I ranted a whole 6 years ago about it here: http://armaegis.livejournal.com/10024.html
And you know what? Nothing's changed. In fact, it's gotten worse. It disgusts me that so much time has passed and we haven't changed. My brother just doesn't care anymore, and dad is apathetic and doesn't want to fight anymore. I'm sort of the last one who gives a damn, but even the apathy is getting to me now (when I'm not manically flipping back to anger). I have literally driven myself sick with worry several times now.
And what happens? I become spiteful, I become angry, I become mean. Even when she's not doing anything related to her schemes, I approach everything she says and does with vile and bite, slamming her down and trying to prove her wrong, because those are the only things that she can accept that are actually wrong, because all the money stuff is "right" and we (the family) "don't understand" it.
A couple days a letter came in the mail from lawyers regarding some of her "higher ups" who had been caught. The latter stated that she was the victim of a pyramid scheme, and that she would be privy to the legal proceedings and any potential returns. My mom's response? She pretended she didn't even remember what it was all about or who the people were (a flat out lie, since I can recall seeing a lot of letters from recent months from the guilty parties). Then later she changed and said that she did in fact deal with those people, but not for very much. How much we asked? "Not very much" she said. There's no such thing as not very much in that world. Then the very next day she's already moved onto a new scheme. We asked if she would pursue the court case to get some money back. "No, not really worth it, I didn't lose that much" she says. Argh, it goes from lying to dismissal, then onto the next big thing.
How am I supposed to be "nice" in the face of all this?
This struck a cord with me. What would make him say such a thing? I know his son quite well, and I tried to figure out where the dad was coming from. After a few seconds though, it dawned on me, rather bitterly, because I could see my mother somehow saying the same thing. How we behave amoung others and within our own families is sadly very different at times. Many would envy my family. We seem loving and supportive of each other, but there's this thread of spite and deception that runs deep. I love my mother, I really do, but so often I have nothing but harsh words to throw at her. I doubt everything that she says, I doubt her motives, and I can't trust her anymore.
Ultimately, it comes down to respect. I hate myself for saying it, but I don't respect my mother anymore. I ranted a whole 6 years ago about it here: http://armaegis.livejournal.com/10024.html
And you know what? Nothing's changed. In fact, it's gotten worse. It disgusts me that so much time has passed and we haven't changed. My brother just doesn't care anymore, and dad is apathetic and doesn't want to fight anymore. I'm sort of the last one who gives a damn, but even the apathy is getting to me now (when I'm not manically flipping back to anger). I have literally driven myself sick with worry several times now.
And what happens? I become spiteful, I become angry, I become mean. Even when she's not doing anything related to her schemes, I approach everything she says and does with vile and bite, slamming her down and trying to prove her wrong, because those are the only things that she can accept that are actually wrong, because all the money stuff is "right" and we (the family) "don't understand" it.
A couple days a letter came in the mail from lawyers regarding some of her "higher ups" who had been caught. The latter stated that she was the victim of a pyramid scheme, and that she would be privy to the legal proceedings and any potential returns. My mom's response? She pretended she didn't even remember what it was all about or who the people were (a flat out lie, since I can recall seeing a lot of letters from recent months from the guilty parties). Then later she changed and said that she did in fact deal with those people, but not for very much. How much we asked? "Not very much" she said. There's no such thing as not very much in that world. Then the very next day she's already moved onto a new scheme. We asked if she would pursue the court case to get some money back. "No, not really worth it, I didn't lose that much" she says. Argh, it goes from lying to dismissal, then onto the next big thing.
How am I supposed to be "nice" in the face of all this?