(no subject)
i'm freaking out. I keep on having like little panic attacks. All of the sudden I'm breathing really hard, I feel alone, lost, and just so confused. Every once in a while for a split second a moment of clarity comes through, and makes me think everything is good, but it's only a split second. It's like the sun shines through, but as soon as it does, a cloud covers it. I'm in the family room right now at home. I don't know i guess when i thought of home i think more about mary and mike being here. I know that I'd be in a weird mood this time of the year anyways, just because mary's going back to school, and mike isn't home. Usually I'd be working a lot, and dreading school starting tomorrow, but i'd get used to it after a few days...omg just thinking about last year and the year before, and all the time i had to myself, and things i used to do, just makes me feel like shit. I felt horrible when i woke up today. I just feel like my life is gone, and school is ike prison. I know I have to go back to school soon, and it just freaks me out....
so i just talked to my mom for a minute and got some things off my chest, and told her how i was feeling at school. So i dunno man, it's going to be really hard but i just need to stick it out. I think I just need to get out my dorm room. If i'm bored, walk around campus, and listen to my ipod. That's how i got to know downtown ann arbor/uofm campus so well. Mary and Mike both left for school, so after school i didn't want to go home, i just drove around downtown, bumpin some music. I'd go shopping, i'd go running at night, i'd always do something. I remember i started COE junior year, and i always thought it would be awesome to get out of school at 12:20, but then i found myself bored, because i didn't work til 7. So since i didn't really have any friends, i spent this time walking around downtown, listening to the roots, kweli, common just learning the city, finding places like waazoo, and going to encore. Checking out the bivouac and getting really into the north face, and polo, and lacoste. Insted of just sitting around being bored, missing mary and mike, I went shopping, and at night I'd go on a run, trying to loose weight. I really do need to loose weight, so it wouldn't be a bad idea to start running at night. My mom told me it can be like easing into school. I went for 3 days came home, i'm about to go for 4 days, then i come home. Then i go for 5 days, and hopefully by then I'll be all good.
I also got really into okayplayer.com, i'de usually come home from school everyday, check out the boards, then go get some food or something. I just need to start doing things like that again up there... i keep taking breaks from this, i started it a while ago. man, i just want to feel normal, and enjoy myself. I'm not about partying every night either, I feel like people need to get drunk all the time, and that's just not my scene. What the hell?!! i feel like time is just slipping, before i know it i'm going to have to go back to school, and i just want to stay home. It's like in 5th grade when we went away to camp for a weekend. I freaked out the night before we left, and i just wanted to go home so bad, and just wanted to call home. Finally after 3 days i got to go home. We did another thing like that in 7th grade, and i felt the same way. I snuck into a room to call home. I wonder if my situation is normal, or because I used to be depressed and on anti depressants it's worse. Like just because i've had depression in the past that maybe it makes things worse.
so i just talked to my mom for a minute and got some things off my chest, and told her how i was feeling at school. So i dunno man, it's going to be really hard but i just need to stick it out. I think I just need to get out my dorm room. If i'm bored, walk around campus, and listen to my ipod. That's how i got to know downtown ann arbor/uofm campus so well. Mary and Mike both left for school, so after school i didn't want to go home, i just drove around downtown, bumpin some music. I'd go shopping, i'd go running at night, i'd always do something. I remember i started COE junior year, and i always thought it would be awesome to get out of school at 12:20, but then i found myself bored, because i didn't work til 7. So since i didn't really have any friends, i spent this time walking around downtown, listening to the roots, kweli, common just learning the city, finding places like waazoo, and going to encore. Checking out the bivouac and getting really into the north face, and polo, and lacoste. Insted of just sitting around being bored, missing mary and mike, I went shopping, and at night I'd go on a run, trying to loose weight. I really do need to loose weight, so it wouldn't be a bad idea to start running at night. My mom told me it can be like easing into school. I went for 3 days came home, i'm about to go for 4 days, then i come home. Then i go for 5 days, and hopefully by then I'll be all good.
I also got really into okayplayer.com, i'de usually come home from school everyday, check out the boards, then go get some food or something. I just need to start doing things like that again up there... i keep taking breaks from this, i started it a while ago. man, i just want to feel normal, and enjoy myself. I'm not about partying every night either, I feel like people need to get drunk all the time, and that's just not my scene. What the hell?!! i feel like time is just slipping, before i know it i'm going to have to go back to school, and i just want to stay home. It's like in 5th grade when we went away to camp for a weekend. I freaked out the night before we left, and i just wanted to go home so bad, and just wanted to call home. Finally after 3 days i got to go home. We did another thing like that in 7th grade, and i felt the same way. I snuck into a room to call home. I wonder if my situation is normal, or because I used to be depressed and on anti depressants it's worse. Like just because i've had depression in the past that maybe it makes things worse.