!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY MCDONNELL!!
I love Mary. You love Mary. Elves of Middle earth...Martians of Mars...Disco-men of Zeti Reticuli...and
Obama, love Mary. Love for the Mary is universal. Many people claim to know the origins of the
"greatness-that-is-she"but they really have no clue. So I consulted NASA, JPL, CERN, Scholars
at Harvard and Yale, and Stephen Spielberg (because the man has a huge collection of Goddess
Mythology), and this is what I found: The true origins of the MARY. The most awesomest Mary in
existence.
Happy Birthday Mary McDonnell.
Thank you for being so frakkn DOPE!
The Birth of the Immaculate(-ly good-looking) Mary
This is the story of the birth of THE MARY.
Some may tell you different. Some may say they
were there. Some are just rehashing a tale as
old as time, as they heard it, back when the
world was young.
It began with a Supernova.
The gods emerged
from their eternal slumber and entered the
Milk way; refreshed and ready to create worlds
and start some trouble.
They built Mount Olympus because even though
they were thinking about the Royal Hilton, it was
far too early to start building luxury hotels. So,
Mount Olympus was the first resort and casino.
Every god and goddess had a purpose. Some did
great things like create humans, and teach them
science and agriculture. Some were just Demi-gods
who taught humans the virtues of flossing, eating
whole grains and filing taxes.
Among these gods, one stood out most epically. She
was the Goddess of Awesome. All the other gods
bowed when she entered the room, because the
aura of awesome radiated from her person like
a thousand suns. They bowed out of respect, yes...
But they also bowed because they couldn’t see
through all her glowing awesomeness.
(Some say a few gods went permanently blind
because of her. But I digress.)
One day, as all the gods and goddesses were sitting
around, deciding whether or not to drop a flood
on the humans, the Goddess of Awesome rose
from her throne and yawned. "Ya know, this has
been fun. Really. But, I’m thinking this Goddess
thing is not for me. You see what I’m saying?"
Some gods gasped while others hooted and hollered
and shouted, "You go girl!" And with that, the Goddess
of Awesome embarked on a journey to earth.
She chose the body of a baby girl born in Wilkes-Barre,
Pennsylvania, on April 28th, 1952. She imbued the
girl with all of her most prized assets and her powers.
As the girl grew into greatness, it was evident
she also had THE HAIR.
As a child the goddess-cum-human could not decide
what her path on earth should be. She knew her awesomeness
would have to envelop the whole of the globe, to enlighten
others and serve as an inspiration for young women everywhere.
She thought being a scientist would do the job. But it
was decided after she tried to build a galaxy in her basement,
that the girl called Mary should stay away from Quarks.
Mary decided to become a world leader, but that plan fell
through after one school trip to Washington, DC in which
she found herself working for a secret, covert, underground
group of Superheroes, hell bent on taking down an underground,
black ops government plan to build supervillains.
Mary realized science was too easy and politics was too
corrupt. The goddess-cum-human was dismayed. She sat in her
backyard and twirled her awesome-hair-of-wonder around her
epic-graceful-fingers and cried.
Her father, sensing her inherent awesomeness knew that the
only way the goddess-cum-human could shine her epic-effervescence
on the world was to try the arts. A singer, a rapper or perhaps even an
actress/model. Mary thought about this for some time.
Singing reminded her of the Angels who hung around Mount Olympus,
asking for change. Rapping was a hobby of Aphrodite’s and she felt
it would have been a slight to even attempt it. Actress seemed very
likely a good fit, since she was so good at pretending to not be so
awesome, by hiding her superhuman powers from the world.
Modeling seemed like a fun option too, but Mary was just far too good looking,
and besides she remembered the incident with Helen, the Goddesses,
Troy, Achilles and his heel.
Many years passed as the Goddess-cum-human cultivated her talent
for acting. She became greatness-in-a-knockout, and her epic hair
and emerald green eyes made it easy for vapid hollywood types to
fall for her. Most importantly, she shone brighter than any star and
was able to inspire and instill the powers of 'Awesome' across the globe
and maybe even perhaps the Universe. For as I write this, I am certain
some aliens on some distant planet, in some distant galaxy are watching
Battlestar Galactica and swooning every time the Madame President goes,
"Mmm..."
*This story brought to you by Zeus, Hera, Apollo, Aphrodite, Athena, Artemis, Ares,
Demeter, Hades, Hermes, Hephaestus, Poseidon and Eros & Nike ( *ahem* Frank
Sinatra and Ava Gardner)...
Obama, love Mary. Love for the Mary is universal. Many people claim to know the origins of the
"greatness-that-is-she"but they really have no clue. So I consulted NASA, JPL, CERN, Scholars
at Harvard and Yale, and Stephen Spielberg (because the man has a huge collection of Goddess
Mythology), and this is what I found: The true origins of the MARY. The most awesomest Mary in
existence.
Happy Birthday Mary McDonnell.
Thank you for being so frakkn DOPE!
The Birth of the Immaculate(-ly good-looking) Mary
This is the story of the birth of THE MARY.
Some may tell you different. Some may say they
were there. Some are just rehashing a tale as
old as time, as they heard it, back when the
world was young.
It began with a Supernova.
The gods emerged
from their eternal slumber and entered the
Milk way; refreshed and ready to create worlds
and start some trouble.
They built Mount Olympus because even though
they were thinking about the Royal Hilton, it was
far too early to start building luxury hotels. So,
Mount Olympus was the first resort and casino.
Every god and goddess had a purpose. Some did
great things like create humans, and teach them
science and agriculture. Some were just Demi-gods
who taught humans the virtues of flossing, eating
whole grains and filing taxes.
Among these gods, one stood out most epically. She
was the Goddess of Awesome. All the other gods
bowed when she entered the room, because the
aura of awesome radiated from her person like
a thousand suns. They bowed out of respect, yes...
But they also bowed because they couldn’t see
through all her glowing awesomeness.
(Some say a few gods went permanently blind
because of her. But I digress.)
One day, as all the gods and goddesses were sitting
around, deciding whether or not to drop a flood
on the humans, the Goddess of Awesome rose
from her throne and yawned. "Ya know, this has
been fun. Really. But, I’m thinking this Goddess
thing is not for me. You see what I’m saying?"
Some gods gasped while others hooted and hollered
and shouted, "You go girl!" And with that, the Goddess
of Awesome embarked on a journey to earth.
She chose the body of a baby girl born in Wilkes-Barre,
Pennsylvania, on April 28th, 1952. She imbued the
girl with all of her most prized assets and her powers.
As the girl grew into greatness, it was evident
she also had THE HAIR.
As a child the goddess-cum-human could not decide
what her path on earth should be. She knew her awesomeness
would have to envelop the whole of the globe, to enlighten
others and serve as an inspiration for young women everywhere.
She thought being a scientist would do the job. But it
was decided after she tried to build a galaxy in her basement,
that the girl called Mary should stay away from Quarks.
Mary decided to become a world leader, but that plan fell
through after one school trip to Washington, DC in which
she found herself working for a secret, covert, underground
group of Superheroes, hell bent on taking down an underground,
black ops government plan to build supervillains.
Mary realized science was too easy and politics was too
corrupt. The goddess-cum-human was dismayed. She sat in her
backyard and twirled her awesome-hair-of-wonder around her
epic-graceful-fingers and cried.
Her father, sensing her inherent awesomeness knew that the
only way the goddess-cum-human could shine her epic-effervescence
on the world was to try the arts. A singer, a rapper or perhaps even an
actress/model. Mary thought about this for some time.
Singing reminded her of the Angels who hung around Mount Olympus,
asking for change. Rapping was a hobby of Aphrodite’s and she felt
it would have been a slight to even attempt it. Actress seemed very
likely a good fit, since she was so good at pretending to not be so
awesome, by hiding her superhuman powers from the world.
Modeling seemed like a fun option too, but Mary was just far too good looking,
and besides she remembered the incident with Helen, the Goddesses,
Troy, Achilles and his heel.
Many years passed as the Goddess-cum-human cultivated her talent
for acting. She became greatness-in-a-knockout, and her epic hair
and emerald green eyes made it easy for vapid hollywood types to
fall for her. Most importantly, she shone brighter than any star and
was able to inspire and instill the powers of 'Awesome' across the globe
and maybe even perhaps the Universe. For as I write this, I am certain
some aliens on some distant planet, in some distant galaxy are watching
Battlestar Galactica and swooning every time the Madame President goes,
"Mmm..."
*This story brought to you by Zeus, Hera, Apollo, Aphrodite, Athena, Artemis, Ares,
Demeter, Hades, Hermes, Hephaestus, Poseidon and Eros & Nike ( *ahem* Frank
Sinatra and Ava Gardner)...