I have an absolutely beautiful photo of Merlin that Lee kindly took for me several years ago. It's in really soft colours, and Merlin is just sitting there, looking at the camera with this beautiful look on his face. As soon as I find the perfect frame for it, it will be on display for all to see. It captured him perfectly. But then, Lee always was an amazing photographer. I also have a smaller photo of him, in a small frame which I keep picking up and staring at. It brings tears to my eyes though. I miss him so much.
At first I thought he had given up fighting, and seeing him the way he was, it was really easy to come to that conclusion. But now I think I was wrong. I think that it took everything he had to stay alive until I got there, so say bye to him. I think that if he had truly given up, he would have died that night in the ICU of the vets.
And it near killed me to be in that room when they did it. It still does. My last memories of Merlin are so heartbreaking, and I would give anything to forget them and just focus on the good ones. But I didn't want him to die in some cold hospital ward, alone. He gave me his entire life - 10 years of unconditional love and devotion, loyalty and friendship. It was the least I could do to end his suffering. And I like to think that by my being there with him, he wasn't scared or unhappy when he went, but comforted, and at peace.
See. Now I'm crying. This is ridiculous. ¬.¬ My mum keeps telling me to snap out of it, but I can't. It hurts so much, like a physical, agonising pain. And I'm trying to move forward with my life, but it's so hard. I hope that when he returns home, albeit as ashes in a small, wooden box, it might be easier, because in a way he'll still be here then. But it's a horrible thought. Just thinking about it hurts. I prefer to think that he's with Razzy, a cat I lost 2 1/2 years ago, and they're happy together again. That thought comforts me. And I'm an athiest! :s Feels a bit hypocritical, really.
As for Fb, several times in the past year I've had clear outs of my friends list, and taken people off who I have little to no contact with. I'm really sorry if I removed you. :s If you'd like to, just send me a request, and I'll add you again. And this time, maybe we should actually talk to each other. :P
I also have a smaller photo of him, in a small frame which I keep picking up and staring at. It brings tears to my eyes though. I miss him so much.
At first I thought he had given up fighting, and seeing him the way he was, it was really easy to come to that conclusion. But now I think I was wrong. I think that it took everything he had to stay alive until I got there, so say bye to him. I think that if he had truly given up, he would have died that night in the ICU of the vets.
And it near killed me to be in that room when they did it. It still does. My last memories of Merlin are so heartbreaking, and I would give anything to forget them and just focus on the good ones. But I didn't want him to die in some cold hospital ward, alone. He gave me his entire life - 10 years of unconditional love and devotion, loyalty and friendship. It was the least I could do to end his suffering. And I like to think that by my being there with him, he wasn't scared or unhappy when he went, but comforted, and at peace.
See. Now I'm crying. This is ridiculous. ¬.¬ My mum keeps telling me to snap out of it, but I can't. It hurts so much, like a physical, agonising pain. And I'm trying to move forward with my life, but it's so hard.
I hope that when he returns home, albeit as ashes in a small, wooden box, it might be easier, because in a way he'll still be here then. But it's a horrible thought. Just thinking about it hurts. I prefer to think that he's with Razzy, a cat I lost 2 1/2 years ago, and they're happy together again. That thought comforts me. And I'm an athiest! :s Feels a bit hypocritical, really.
As for Fb, several times in the past year I've had clear outs of my friends list, and taken people off who I have little to no contact with. I'm really sorry if I removed you. :s If you'd like to, just send me a request, and I'll add you again. And this time, maybe we should actually talk to each other. :P
*big hugs*
xx
Reply
Leave a comment