Home on the Rage
Kirstie Allsop is an alpha female, better known to telly viewers here for bullying couples into buying houses they hate. Her programmes have cutesy little titles like Location, Location, Location and Relocation, Relocation, Relocation.
But since people stopped buying houses due to the economic crisis she’s had to find a new niche. Disappointingly, her latest show is not called Recession, Recession, Recession.
She’s got this massive pad in the English countryside, a run-down kip of a place that she’s doing up herself. When I say “herself”, I mean she has an army of flunkies to whimper “how high?” when she says “jump”. In fairness, she does want to do some of the work herself, but only when there’s a camera crew around. Hence: Kirstie’s Home Made Home.
In previous episodes, our game girl has tackled making her own wallpaper, candles and cushions all by herself. When I say “all by herself” I don’t of course mean all by herself.
Last night she met Jo, quiltmaker extraordinaire who showed her how to make a patchwork quilt. “This is so exciting!” gushed Kirstie like a burst pipe. After sewing no more than six stitches, she got frustrated and made Jo finish the rest of her quilt for way below the minimum wage.
It was the same with rug weaving. Hilary sat Kirstie in front of a spinning wheel and showed her how to spin wool (from Kirsty’s home-made sheep, of course). After all of five seconds, Kirstie lost it: “How did Rumpelstiltskin spin silk into gold!” she wailed, anticipating next week’s lesson.
Hilary tried to assuage Kirstie's frustration, frustration, frustration. “That’s perfectly normal for a beginner”. Big mistake. Kirstie doesn’t do normal. She left Hilary to finish off the rest of her rug while she herself did a spot of home-made shopping.
Finally, Jo turned up at the house with the finished quilt. Quilt-tastic, so it was, and Kirstie almost self-combusted with excitement. She was especially pleased with the tiny corner of quilt that she had actually sewn herself. When I say “herself”, I mean of course, with a sewing machine.
Kirstie is my inspiration, inspiration, inspiration. I’m now fired up with such zeal that I’m going to go out and make my own tv show about my successful attempt to conquer the universe. And I'm going to call it: Fabrication, fabrication, fabrication.
But since people stopped buying houses due to the economic crisis she’s had to find a new niche. Disappointingly, her latest show is not called Recession, Recession, Recession.
She’s got this massive pad in the English countryside, a run-down kip of a place that she’s doing up herself. When I say “herself”, I mean she has an army of flunkies to whimper “how high?” when she says “jump”. In fairness, she does want to do some of the work herself, but only when there’s a camera crew around. Hence: Kirstie’s Home Made Home.
In previous episodes, our game girl has tackled making her own wallpaper, candles and cushions all by herself. When I say “all by herself” I don’t of course mean all by herself.
Last night she met Jo, quiltmaker extraordinaire who showed her how to make a patchwork quilt. “This is so exciting!” gushed Kirstie like a burst pipe. After sewing no more than six stitches, she got frustrated and made Jo finish the rest of her quilt for way below the minimum wage.
It was the same with rug weaving. Hilary sat Kirstie in front of a spinning wheel and showed her how to spin wool (from Kirsty’s home-made sheep, of course). After all of five seconds, Kirstie lost it: “How did Rumpelstiltskin spin silk into gold!” she wailed, anticipating next week’s lesson.
Hilary tried to assuage Kirstie's frustration, frustration, frustration. “That’s perfectly normal for a beginner”. Big mistake. Kirstie doesn’t do normal. She left Hilary to finish off the rest of her rug while she herself did a spot of home-made shopping.
Finally, Jo turned up at the house with the finished quilt. Quilt-tastic, so it was, and Kirstie almost self-combusted with excitement. She was especially pleased with the tiny corner of quilt that she had actually sewn herself. When I say “herself”, I mean of course, with a sewing machine.
Kirstie is my inspiration, inspiration, inspiration. I’m now fired up with such zeal that I’m going to go out and make my own tv show about my successful attempt to conquer the universe. And I'm going to call it: Fabrication, fabrication, fabrication.