Uh-oh 7
To the movies today, for a look at the latest James Bond film. It was very good, if you’re into car chases and explosions and the like. But my attention was constantly diverted by on-screen reminders of where it was all happening.
These irritating interruptions completely ruined the movie for me, and I’m sure for the majority of the viewing public.
So, I’ve come up with a cunning plan as an alternative. Instead of flashing up intrusive place names, why not get the actors to drop gentle hints about where they are? Here’s a few examples I’ve just thought of:
Scene 1
Bond: Excuse me, madam, are you Sienna Miller?
Man with bad haircut: I think you’ll find that this is Siena, which is in Italy, and I’m the killer. Siena…killer. Got that?
Bond: Ah. I suppose I’ll have to kill you now?
Man with bad haircut: Yes
Bang!
Scene 2
Man with bad haircut: Magst du der opern?
Bond: Sorry?
Man with bad haircut: Oh, I was asking if you enjoy opera.
Bond: Hate it. Load of poncey people screaming like banshees. Don't I know you from somewhere?
Man with bad haircut: Um, no. So why are you in Bregenz, which is in Austria, attending a performance of Tosca?
Bond: Tosca???? I thought this was Mamma Mia!
Man with bad haircut: You know what this means?
Bond: Yes, I’m going to have to kill you.
Man with bad haircut: Ok.
Bang!
Scene 3
Leggy lovely: Oh James, at last we’re alone together in Paris, which is in France.
Bond: Ouch!
Leggy Lovely: What’s wrong, I was just fondling your pistol
Bond: Well don’t! I’ve got a really bad case of heartburn. I told you beans on toast was a bad idea.
Leggy Lovely: But can’t I just…
Bond: No, you bloody well can’t.
Leggy Lovely: Fine, be like that! But you weren’t like that in Havana, which is in Cuba.
Bond: You seem to know a lot about the world, considering you’re a woman.
Leggy Lovely: Who said I was a woman?
Bond: Really? What was that you were saying about fondling my pistol?
Scene 4
Leggy Lovely: James, we’re going to crash, do something!
Bond: There’s nothing I can do. Both the engines are on fire! Listen, there’s something I have to tell you before we plunge to a horrible death. Something I should have told you a long time ago.
Leggy Lovely: Yes, James, I love you too.
Bond: No not that: What I wanted to say is.... there are four exits on this aircraft. One at the front, one at the back and two overwing…
Leggy Lovely: But James, we’re going to crash
Bond: I was just coming to that. Your lifejacket is under your seat. Pull the red toggle and for God’s sake don’t forget about the whistle to attract attention.
Leggy Lovely: But James! We’re flying over La Paz, which is in Bolivia. It’s a landlocked country - lifejackets will be useless!
Bond: Bugger!
Scene 5
M: Well done, James, another successful mission
Bond: Thank you, ma’am. I’m only sorry Leggy Lovely had to die.
M: Well, it was you or her, James. And you’re too important to British Intelligence.
Bond: British Intelligence? Isn’t that a contradiction in terms?
M: That’s enough of that, cheeky chops.
Bond: There’s just one thing I don’t understand: why is it raining outside?
M: Because we’re in London. Which is in England.
Bond: Ah. Well in that case, you’ll excuse me. I have an important appointment at the Coliseum.
M: But James, the Coliseum is in Rome. Which is in Italy.
Bond: Not that one; the Coliseum in Finchley Road. Mamma Mia’s on, and I might just catch the matinee.
M: I can't let you do that, James.
She whips off her wig to reveal....
Bond: Man with bad haircut!
Man with bad haircut: I think you know what this means, James
Bond: Yes, I'm going to have to kill you.
Man with bad haircut: Ok, bloody well get on with it. And don't hit the furniture this time. That sideboard cost me a fortune at Ikea.
Bang!