More on Eternal Sunshine and related thoughts.
i didnt realize how deeply this thing got to me till just now. now being 4 am when i need to be awkae in nine hours... oops.
this movie REALLY got to me... like, deeply. i dont think i could describe it, but maybe i'll try.
like i mentioned in the last post, i identify heavily with the main character. i see alot of myself in the way he acts. very closed off and keeps to himself sort of guy. i doubt any of you guys would EVER suggest i was closed off and quiet... but thats mostly cause you know me here. now, when.if i ever meet you guys, i'm likely to act very much the same, given a little time to get used to being with you guys.
but, for example, put me at work with a bunch of people i know jack shit about and i close off, talking bout the most mundane and pointless stuff. the weather... random work related things... etc. not that we have much time to converse anyway. its work after all.
so yea... anyway... i saw that movie last night then came home and had a normal night, doing the same old same old. then i wnet to bed... and as i got close to waking this morning, i forget what time, but it wasnt the final time i woke... i had a dream. a REALLY strange one, compared to normal. my dreams never invlove, directly, people i know, or recognize... except for that one with nicole kidman as my sister... but that doesnt count now does it? (dont ask... or do... but know beforehand it was not what you would think.)
my dreams are like... well.. .flights of fancy. hell, the plotline i am basing my movie project on is the direct result of a dream. i DREAMED the damn thing. well, a part of it anyway. but this dream... this one was different. i knew these people. the setting was... someplace i knew, though i cant place it.
not only did i know these people... but... they were my family. my mom and my sister specifically. i dont know who else was there, though i remeber other people. i assume my sisters husband and possibly kids. but the ones that stand out are my sister and mom.... both of whom now live in AZ.
oh, i havent mentioned... but after my mom sold her house... she moved to AZ, near where my sister moved last year. now shes bought a house out there. and ya wanna know the one thing... the only emotional momment that stands out in the dream? my mom was leaving, like going home or such... though not home, cause that home isnt hers anymore. its someone elses. she doesnt live a half hour drive south in irvine anymore. shes 6 hours drive east in AZ. not far fro mwhere i was last summer, oddly enough.
and thats what was happening i nthe dream... she was goingto her new home... someplace i dont know how to find. i realized earlier today i dont even have a way to directly reach her, except through my sister or email. no phune number or such. cours,e she doesnt have a phone right now aside from her mobile. but she never checks the messages on there. sigh.
so yea. in this dream, my moms literally about to step out the door... and... (dont laugh god dammit, i swear, dont laugh.) i get up and run to her and, as my adult self, start crying and holding her and begging her not to go. makes me sound like a momm'as boy, sure. to an extent i am i guess. but think for a moment. i dont go out with friends. i dont go to movies with people. i dont go out to dinner, except with my dad... but that is something i do because he is my dad and i owe him at least that much. besides, its good food.
but yeah. the only friends i have are you guys. i suck at things in person. i really really do. always have. i tend to creep people out i think. but when my mom lived here... even with me living up here... she would still come up say, on saturday or something, and we could take care of any minor things i needed too, like groceries or such, all of which i can do anyway, but hey, it was nice to have some company. then often times we would go catch a movie. its a minro thing... but it really sucks when you see a deep and powerful movie and have no one to talk to about it. or some action thriller mystery sort of thing that gets your mind reeling. ya just gotta be able to talk about it.
i mean, how good does it feel to us to be able to come one line and talk about stuff like lotr potc and HP? shes the only person who ever went to see the lotr movies with me. ...we saw all three of them together now that i think about it.
now, dont get me wrong... i have no problem at ALL going bymyself. i do it quite often. i'm not gonna skip a moive just cause no one wants to see it with me. but... its better when you have someone to share it with. someone who thinks like you, who doesnt mind your ocasionaly side comments *cough*. i know how really lame it sounds and how childish this all makes me look.. .epseically since the primary thing i'm talking about are bloody movies and how i'll miss going to em with her... but ya know what?
i love my mom. i'm gonna miss her.
PS: god damn... i spent twenty minutes writing this! i gotta get to bed man! ...but... i do feel better. thanks for getting me started quisty.
this movie REALLY got to me... like, deeply. i dont think i could describe it, but maybe i'll try.
like i mentioned in the last post, i identify heavily with the main character. i see alot of myself in the way he acts. very closed off and keeps to himself sort of guy. i doubt any of you guys would EVER suggest i was closed off and quiet... but thats mostly cause you know me here. now, when.if i ever meet you guys, i'm likely to act very much the same, given a little time to get used to being with you guys.
but, for example, put me at work with a bunch of people i know jack shit about and i close off, talking bout the most mundane and pointless stuff. the weather... random work related things... etc. not that we have much time to converse anyway. its work after all.
so yea... anyway... i saw that movie last night then came home and had a normal night, doing the same old same old. then i wnet to bed... and as i got close to waking this morning, i forget what time, but it wasnt the final time i woke... i had a dream. a REALLY strange one, compared to normal. my dreams never invlove, directly, people i know, or recognize... except for that one with nicole kidman as my sister... but that doesnt count now does it? (dont ask... or do... but know beforehand it was not what you would think.)
my dreams are like... well.. .flights of fancy. hell, the plotline i am basing my movie project on is the direct result of a dream. i DREAMED the damn thing. well, a part of it anyway. but this dream... this one was different. i knew these people. the setting was... someplace i knew, though i cant place it.
not only did i know these people... but... they were my family. my mom and my sister specifically. i dont know who else was there, though i remeber other people. i assume my sisters husband and possibly kids. but the ones that stand out are my sister and mom.... both of whom now live in AZ.
oh, i havent mentioned... but after my mom sold her house... she moved to AZ, near where my sister moved last year. now shes bought a house out there. and ya wanna know the one thing... the only emotional momment that stands out in the dream? my mom was leaving, like going home or such... though not home, cause that home isnt hers anymore. its someone elses. she doesnt live a half hour drive south in irvine anymore. shes 6 hours drive east in AZ. not far fro mwhere i was last summer, oddly enough.
and thats what was happening i nthe dream... she was goingto her new home... someplace i dont know how to find. i realized earlier today i dont even have a way to directly reach her, except through my sister or email. no phune number or such. cours,e she doesnt have a phone right now aside from her mobile. but she never checks the messages on there. sigh.
so yea. in this dream, my moms literally about to step out the door... and... (dont laugh god dammit, i swear, dont laugh.) i get up and run to her and, as my adult self, start crying and holding her and begging her not to go. makes me sound like a momm'as boy, sure. to an extent i am i guess. but think for a moment. i dont go out with friends. i dont go to movies with people. i dont go out to dinner, except with my dad... but that is something i do because he is my dad and i owe him at least that much. besides, its good food.
but yeah. the only friends i have are you guys. i suck at things in person. i really really do. always have. i tend to creep people out i think. but when my mom lived here... even with me living up here... she would still come up say, on saturday or something, and we could take care of any minor things i needed too, like groceries or such, all of which i can do anyway, but hey, it was nice to have some company. then often times we would go catch a movie. its a minro thing... but it really sucks when you see a deep and powerful movie and have no one to talk to about it. or some action thriller mystery sort of thing that gets your mind reeling. ya just gotta be able to talk about it.
i mean, how good does it feel to us to be able to come one line and talk about stuff like lotr potc and HP? shes the only person who ever went to see the lotr movies with me. ...we saw all three of them together now that i think about it.
now, dont get me wrong... i have no problem at ALL going bymyself. i do it quite often. i'm not gonna skip a moive just cause no one wants to see it with me. but... its better when you have someone to share it with. someone who thinks like you, who doesnt mind your ocasionaly side comments *cough*. i know how really lame it sounds and how childish this all makes me look.. .epseically since the primary thing i'm talking about are bloody movies and how i'll miss going to em with her... but ya know what?
i love my mom. i'm gonna miss her.
PS: god damn... i spent twenty minutes writing this! i gotta get to bed man! ...but... i do feel better. thanks for getting me started quisty.