Sudden Feeling
I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I've been looking in the wrong direction or at the wrong things. I don't really feel like I've missed anything, just that I'm looking at things that aren't moving me or anything else forward. I get a mixed feeling of having spent my time unwisely but at the same time that I've not wasted it.
I think this might be part of the long process of me coming to terms with the fact that I can't know or predict everything when I put myself out there. It kinda scares me. No, it scares me a lot.
We get all this training growing up that things will work out in the end. We'll get that dream career. We'll succeed at what we set out to do. We'll overcome our obstacles. We'll be the hero. We'll fall madly in love and be happy forever.
This modern fiction, fantasy or mythos is deeply ingrained in all of us. Does it ever really come to pass?
What do we do when we can't get that which we want most? What should we do? Should we hold on forever hoping in vain that the Hollywood-ending will actually happen in the real world? Should we simply settle for what we can get and accept the second-best or just whatever happens to fall in our laps? Should we feel ourselves crushed under the immeasurable weight of that we want dearly but cannot have and become despondent and disconnected from the world which couldn't provide us with the fulfillment of our dreams?
I know that there are some dreams that can be won. I haven't given up on them. The hard part is dealing with the fear of impossibility thereof when it creeps up. And that fear that you've been chasing the wrong dreams.
But what about what some people say? That when we stop looking is when we find what it is we seek? That all dreams are worth pursuing? That you'll know when it happens? Why do these things seem contradictory?
I never knew, growing up, that the biggest challenge in life is deciding what it is that you're going after. I have no idea if the things that I want are the things that I should want. I have no idea if by pursuing these things that I'm not pursuing what I should be. I have this constant fear of following after the wrong dreams and I get two different message from people: that I'll see what I need to see and realize it or that I'm blinding myself to the other opportunities.
As it stands my plans include moving to Los Angeles when I have enough money and becoming an audio engineer. What if I'm supposed to be something else? Hell, am I supposed to be anything specific at all? Should I be a politician and work to grow the ever-dwindling freedoms of the individual? Should I go off and live humbly as a craftsman or inventor? Should I hide myself away and do nothing but research and learn? Should I quietly become lost in the sea of people and live an unremarkable life? Should I do the opposite and strive to be a brightly burning star of some sort? Should I wander the world exploring new places simply because I've never seen them before? If I do that, should I do it alone or share the experience? Would anyone even want to go with me? Should I eschew any professional aspirations and focus on creating a family with someone and being the best dad and husband that I can be to some currently nonexistent (or at least unmet) people?
Of all the things I have ever wanted in my life, the last one is the one thing I have always wanted consistently. In a way my dad was an inspiration to be a better dad than he was. There are at least two challenges to that right now. Me being able to believe that someone could love me (apparently not the best track record, but that might be in my own mind as well) and simply finding that person.
There are so many ways to deal with the reality that the future is uncertain. Why is mine to be deathly afraid it? To be afraid of taking the wrong path, or taking the right one and missing out on all the others. The bad part of being a "jack of all trades" is that there are innumerable possibilities and you can't follow them all. Ever since I was little and this thought occurred to me on several occasions, I always felt like there wasn't enough time. I don't feel like I'll die young(ish), but even a long life seems too short for all the things I want to do with mine.
I want to spend my time wisely but I don't want to miss anything. I've got to get over this indecision that plagues me.
I think this might be part of the long process of me coming to terms with the fact that I can't know or predict everything when I put myself out there. It kinda scares me. No, it scares me a lot.
We get all this training growing up that things will work out in the end. We'll get that dream career. We'll succeed at what we set out to do. We'll overcome our obstacles. We'll be the hero. We'll fall madly in love and be happy forever.
This modern fiction, fantasy or mythos is deeply ingrained in all of us. Does it ever really come to pass?
What do we do when we can't get that which we want most? What should we do? Should we hold on forever hoping in vain that the Hollywood-ending will actually happen in the real world? Should we simply settle for what we can get and accept the second-best or just whatever happens to fall in our laps? Should we feel ourselves crushed under the immeasurable weight of that we want dearly but cannot have and become despondent and disconnected from the world which couldn't provide us with the fulfillment of our dreams?
I know that there are some dreams that can be won. I haven't given up on them. The hard part is dealing with the fear of impossibility thereof when it creeps up. And that fear that you've been chasing the wrong dreams.
But what about what some people say? That when we stop looking is when we find what it is we seek? That all dreams are worth pursuing? That you'll know when it happens? Why do these things seem contradictory?
I never knew, growing up, that the biggest challenge in life is deciding what it is that you're going after. I have no idea if the things that I want are the things that I should want. I have no idea if by pursuing these things that I'm not pursuing what I should be. I have this constant fear of following after the wrong dreams and I get two different message from people: that I'll see what I need to see and realize it or that I'm blinding myself to the other opportunities.
As it stands my plans include moving to Los Angeles when I have enough money and becoming an audio engineer. What if I'm supposed to be something else? Hell, am I supposed to be anything specific at all? Should I be a politician and work to grow the ever-dwindling freedoms of the individual? Should I go off and live humbly as a craftsman or inventor? Should I hide myself away and do nothing but research and learn? Should I quietly become lost in the sea of people and live an unremarkable life? Should I do the opposite and strive to be a brightly burning star of some sort? Should I wander the world exploring new places simply because I've never seen them before? If I do that, should I do it alone or share the experience? Would anyone even want to go with me? Should I eschew any professional aspirations and focus on creating a family with someone and being the best dad and husband that I can be to some currently nonexistent (or at least unmet) people?
Of all the things I have ever wanted in my life, the last one is the one thing I have always wanted consistently. In a way my dad was an inspiration to be a better dad than he was. There are at least two challenges to that right now. Me being able to believe that someone could love me (apparently not the best track record, but that might be in my own mind as well) and simply finding that person.
There are so many ways to deal with the reality that the future is uncertain. Why is mine to be deathly afraid it? To be afraid of taking the wrong path, or taking the right one and missing out on all the others. The bad part of being a "jack of all trades" is that there are innumerable possibilities and you can't follow them all. Ever since I was little and this thought occurred to me on several occasions, I always felt like there wasn't enough time. I don't feel like I'll die young(ish), but even a long life seems too short for all the things I want to do with mine.
I want to spend my time wisely but I don't want to miss anything. I've got to get over this indecision that plagues me.