(no subject)
Tonight is the first time in a long time that I have been able to attempt to write anything about my thoughts, my feelings, about me. It appears I had become so numb from the online world, every attempt to write was murky. It was as if I had sunk to the bottom of a clear pond and was stuck watching the waves distort the rays of the sun that were trying to reach me. Even sitting here typing this I feel as if one hand is out of the water and the other is desperately trying to free my trapped feet.
It has been an emotional roller coaster for me since my writings ceased on lj. I feel in love with an amazing woman, traveled to a foreign country, and started a new job to name just a few loops and spirals of that roller coaster. I do not want to go into detail on each loop and spiral just yet for fear of having nothing else to talk about. Live journal had become somewhat of a sanctuary for me, a place I could go to search within myself and find who I really was. It seems throughout the past few months I somehow forgot that I needed to write no matter how petty the issue or how jumbled my thoughts appeared on paper.
It is amazing how someone can enter our life, flip our thoughts upside down, and tear down the walls that protect us. I don't believe we can pick who gets past those barriers. If someone truly wants to climb over the wall or constantly knock on our door we will eventually answer the door and let them inside. The trick is convincing ourselves that the person belongs there, convincing ourselves that they will never leave and that they finally feel home. Surprisingly it didn't take much convincing on my part but it was more circumstance that made me force that someone out, close the door and build my wall higher. If I close my eyes, I can see the spot, reserved for the person that once occupied it. Then again, you can never truly force someone out. Every time you eat food without silverware, open your photo album, or stare at the items on your headboard you are reminded of the warm touches you shared. You are reminded of walking a mile in your socks so she could wear your more comfortable shoes or you remember staring at that special someone on the train wishing they could read your thoughts.
Some people may say I am selfish for closing the door and building my walls higher. I agree with you. Why do all that if it felt so right? Maybe it was about the timing of everything. Maybe I know I couldn't do it, not after knowing what we had. Constant worry had become hurtful. He was around so much I was beginning to think we were friends. Does any of this make any sense? Probably not but I don't expect it to. All I know is I cherish every minute that wonderful person occupied my space. I am sorry for the pain I have caused you. I am not sorry for the pain that I have caused myself. I find myself perusing the pages that I hate so much wondering how you are doing, wondering if the scars I burned into you have healed. I am sorry. Perhaps I know you deserve more than I can ever offer you. Thank you for being a part of me.
To end on a lighter note, Bunny is going to try and attend “therapy" at least weekly. I hope no one missed me too much! Wait was I even gone?
It has been an emotional roller coaster for me since my writings ceased on lj. I feel in love with an amazing woman, traveled to a foreign country, and started a new job to name just a few loops and spirals of that roller coaster. I do not want to go into detail on each loop and spiral just yet for fear of having nothing else to talk about. Live journal had become somewhat of a sanctuary for me, a place I could go to search within myself and find who I really was. It seems throughout the past few months I somehow forgot that I needed to write no matter how petty the issue or how jumbled my thoughts appeared on paper.
It is amazing how someone can enter our life, flip our thoughts upside down, and tear down the walls that protect us. I don't believe we can pick who gets past those barriers. If someone truly wants to climb over the wall or constantly knock on our door we will eventually answer the door and let them inside. The trick is convincing ourselves that the person belongs there, convincing ourselves that they will never leave and that they finally feel home. Surprisingly it didn't take much convincing on my part but it was more circumstance that made me force that someone out, close the door and build my wall higher. If I close my eyes, I can see the spot, reserved for the person that once occupied it. Then again, you can never truly force someone out. Every time you eat food without silverware, open your photo album, or stare at the items on your headboard you are reminded of the warm touches you shared. You are reminded of walking a mile in your socks so she could wear your more comfortable shoes or you remember staring at that special someone on the train wishing they could read your thoughts.
Some people may say I am selfish for closing the door and building my walls higher. I agree with you. Why do all that if it felt so right? Maybe it was about the timing of everything. Maybe I know I couldn't do it, not after knowing what we had. Constant worry had become hurtful. He was around so much I was beginning to think we were friends. Does any of this make any sense? Probably not but I don't expect it to. All I know is I cherish every minute that wonderful person occupied my space. I am sorry for the pain I have caused you. I am not sorry for the pain that I have caused myself. I find myself perusing the pages that I hate so much wondering how you are doing, wondering if the scars I burned into you have healed. I am sorry. Perhaps I know you deserve more than I can ever offer you. Thank you for being a part of me.
To end on a lighter note, Bunny is going to try and attend “therapy" at least weekly. I hope no one missed me too much! Wait was I even gone?