Life moves on.
It seems like life goes in cycles: daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, shorter, longer. unending. I am starting to put together a few of my own and that self-reflection brings up issues I want to change, issues I don't want to change, and issues that are finally irrelevant.
I learned the very very hard way that if you try to be something and someone you aren't, just to please one person, you will lose everything you are. well I found the gossamer thread of myself that was left after that fiasco and I have built myself (with help it is noted and appreciated) into a person today that I, for the most part, like. I stick to my convictions and my beliefs, regardless of how much I might think of "just letting go" of one or two "small" things that "don't matter". In the end they do matter and to be able to look myself in the mirror I go with what I know as being "right" (ie following my conscience).
I have not been feeling well lately, a head cold, that since yesterday has moved down into my chest. I am hoping the weekend will allow me to recuperate and that I won't get worse. I have no money to be spending on doctors and prescriptions... shit I can barely afford groceries!
I have tried, succeeding and failing equally, to connect with other people. I have found friends and enemies, losing and gaining of both groups through the years. I love being around people, mindless masses of people that I can sit back and watch and learn about, while being alone in the middle of the crowd. I enjoy company and have met many many interesting people over the years. I always feel like an abnormality though. I never fit in in any one group. I'm the exception to every rule. I am not just English, I am not American, I am not one of the girls, I'm not one of the boys. I don't pander to people's whims and egos. I don't insult if I can avoid it. I am at once completely alone and yet never more embedded in company. I love my solitude and would survive never seeing another soul again, though the gut wrenching loneliness and heartache for lost 'family' (blood and aquired) would sucker punch me every time.
I find people get put off by me, I'm not sure if I'm too honest (people rarely want the truth, they want to hear what will make them feel better). I don't know if I'm such a good person (as Bev has stated, not myself -- I feel I can do so much more to help people and that I never do enough. She thinks I do too much, go out of my way too often, and get taken advantage off too many times... She really might have a case, which doesn't help me much, as I still feel obligated to treat people how I would want to be treated if I were in their position). Maybe I make people feel bad about themselves for NOT being so giving or something...
All I know is that my fortress of solitude is both chosen, and forced on me. Paradox.
Knowing that someone is only talking to me because they have no one else, that they need something, and that the minute they have what they want they'll move on doesn't help. I still have to help them as best I can. And when they tear that chunk of my heart and/or soul out, running away with it and laughing at my stupidity (or something) I fall. I cry. I bleed. I question my whole existence. Am I right to give so much of myself? Am I right to do the same thing over and over again in all situations small and large? Am I correct in thinking that it is all for good and that it's worth it in the end? Am I... ?
I harbor a deep secret: I don't find myself worthy of anything good. I doubt myself at every turn. I think I might be the most vile, evil person alive, considering how others treat me so consistently. Every time someone new treats me unfairly (regardless of any blame on my part, and I'm sure there is some... no one is ever 100% at fault, it might be 99-1, but still not 100% on one side), well it reinforces the notion that nobody else thinks I'm worth shit either.
It's with a weary heart that I sit here typing this. I should be sleeping. I don't even know if I've truly conveyed the feelings that I'm dealing with right now. I have reached a place within myself... a sort of enlightenment, that most people never truly understand. This, more than most, seems to set me apart from so many people. I know every inch of my soul. I know exactly what I'm capable of, what I'm comfortable with and how far I will go in any situation. I am extraordinarily self aware, body, mind, soul and heart. I have a power that most people don't even know exists, and can't let themselves even dream of...
Knowing all this, and being happy with where *I* am, does not automatically drown out the sorrow when other people just don't "get it". so with a slightly heavy heart, I smile, shake my head a little and go on with my life the way I know in my heart I have to act. Hecate has never left me, even in my darkest hour I knew she was there... I swore at her, damned her, pushed and shoved to try to make her leave me alone and she held tighter, smothering me with her presence, her love. So sitting here now, alone, but not quite lonely, I know she is here with me and that for whatever reason this latest heartache-causing-event happened, I served her purpose. I gave myself to her cause and if a lesson was learned then it was all worth it. I know that karma is real, and I know, that giving of myself will bring me back the same... I appreciate all the good things in my life. I recognize how much joy and love and happiness I have been gifted. And while I can hope for more, I am better spending more time giving of myself than sitting around waiting.
On this note, I am going to try and sleep without taking a nyquil capsule. Tomorrow is already so close. I just have to ask: If I'm as wonderful a person as some people profess, why do I get trodden on so much?
I learned the very very hard way that if you try to be something and someone you aren't, just to please one person, you will lose everything you are. well I found the gossamer thread of myself that was left after that fiasco and I have built myself (with help it is noted and appreciated) into a person today that I, for the most part, like. I stick to my convictions and my beliefs, regardless of how much I might think of "just letting go" of one or two "small" things that "don't matter". In the end they do matter and to be able to look myself in the mirror I go with what I know as being "right" (ie following my conscience).
I have not been feeling well lately, a head cold, that since yesterday has moved down into my chest. I am hoping the weekend will allow me to recuperate and that I won't get worse. I have no money to be spending on doctors and prescriptions... shit I can barely afford groceries!
I have tried, succeeding and failing equally, to connect with other people. I have found friends and enemies, losing and gaining of both groups through the years. I love being around people, mindless masses of people that I can sit back and watch and learn about, while being alone in the middle of the crowd. I enjoy company and have met many many interesting people over the years. I always feel like an abnormality though. I never fit in in any one group. I'm the exception to every rule. I am not just English, I am not American, I am not one of the girls, I'm not one of the boys. I don't pander to people's whims and egos. I don't insult if I can avoid it. I am at once completely alone and yet never more embedded in company. I love my solitude and would survive never seeing another soul again, though the gut wrenching loneliness and heartache for lost 'family' (blood and aquired) would sucker punch me every time.
I find people get put off by me, I'm not sure if I'm too honest (people rarely want the truth, they want to hear what will make them feel better). I don't know if I'm such a good person (as Bev has stated, not myself -- I feel I can do so much more to help people and that I never do enough. She thinks I do too much, go out of my way too often, and get taken advantage off too many times... She really might have a case, which doesn't help me much, as I still feel obligated to treat people how I would want to be treated if I were in their position). Maybe I make people feel bad about themselves for NOT being so giving or something...
All I know is that my fortress of solitude is both chosen, and forced on me. Paradox.
Knowing that someone is only talking to me because they have no one else, that they need something, and that the minute they have what they want they'll move on doesn't help. I still have to help them as best I can. And when they tear that chunk of my heart and/or soul out, running away with it and laughing at my stupidity (or something) I fall. I cry. I bleed. I question my whole existence. Am I right to give so much of myself? Am I right to do the same thing over and over again in all situations small and large? Am I correct in thinking that it is all for good and that it's worth it in the end? Am I... ?
I harbor a deep secret: I don't find myself worthy of anything good. I doubt myself at every turn. I think I might be the most vile, evil person alive, considering how others treat me so consistently. Every time someone new treats me unfairly (regardless of any blame on my part, and I'm sure there is some... no one is ever 100% at fault, it might be 99-1, but still not 100% on one side), well it reinforces the notion that nobody else thinks I'm worth shit either.
It's with a weary heart that I sit here typing this. I should be sleeping. I don't even know if I've truly conveyed the feelings that I'm dealing with right now. I have reached a place within myself... a sort of enlightenment, that most people never truly understand. This, more than most, seems to set me apart from so many people. I know every inch of my soul. I know exactly what I'm capable of, what I'm comfortable with and how far I will go in any situation. I am extraordinarily self aware, body, mind, soul and heart. I have a power that most people don't even know exists, and can't let themselves even dream of...
Knowing all this, and being happy with where *I* am, does not automatically drown out the sorrow when other people just don't "get it". so with a slightly heavy heart, I smile, shake my head a little and go on with my life the way I know in my heart I have to act. Hecate has never left me, even in my darkest hour I knew she was there... I swore at her, damned her, pushed and shoved to try to make her leave me alone and she held tighter, smothering me with her presence, her love. So sitting here now, alone, but not quite lonely, I know she is here with me and that for whatever reason this latest heartache-causing-event happened, I served her purpose. I gave myself to her cause and if a lesson was learned then it was all worth it. I know that karma is real, and I know, that giving of myself will bring me back the same... I appreciate all the good things in my life. I recognize how much joy and love and happiness I have been gifted. And while I can hope for more, I am better spending more time giving of myself than sitting around waiting.
On this note, I am going to try and sleep without taking a nyquil capsule. Tomorrow is already so close. I just have to ask: If I'm as wonderful a person as some people profess, why do I get trodden on so much?