F - Friendship
Ah to be starting with a very difficult topic.
Ok, in my mind there are about a bazillion forms of friendship, the most important is the one that no matter how much time or space separates, when you meet again, it's like you never parted. through fights and through good times you love each other. Basically the "perfect relationship" without the sex part. These are the people, that even if they need time to themselves, they always come back to you, and vice versa.
Now, as I've mentioned before to many people. I feel alone. The reason for this is that other people's notions of friendship are much different than mine. Having come from a reserved place (in contrast) to america I was absolutely shell shocked at how quickly people were saying they were my friends! It's ridiculous to think you can be friends with anyone and everyone right off the bat. Do i think that situation is possible? Rarely, yes. A lot of the people I know have their "friends" as it suits them. they don't go out of their way they don't actually do anything that would be detrimental to themselves. I cannot stand it. I give so much of myself all the time "Do as I wish to be done by" is my motto. to be slapped in the face every time i do something nice, by someone who says that i'm "too nice" "too caring" "too _____" and that people just "take advantage" etc. it wears on me. Do I understand that very few people have my beliefs? yes. Does it matter that I'm not friends, but rather "friendly" with these people i'm helping? no. they are still humans... aquaintances... friendly acquaintances. They deserve to be treated how I would want to be treated, even if they don't reciprocate.
Having said all that: Sometimes I do get tired of it all and retreat. It's a self preservation reaction. I find myself overwhelmed and not getting the things in return that I need... over taxed energy wise. I have major self doubts, and while I rationally know (think i know?) that there are people who care about me as in my first definition, it's really very hard to see that, to believe it, to not self doubt. To not feel completely alone. I know that by retreating I have hurt friends and it hurts me to know it. I also know that by them doing something I have been hurt. Maybe not by similar behaviour but by something. At the end of the day though, if they needed me, and if i needed them, there's always a way to let me/them know. The choices we make at that point, when contacted, that proves whether it's true or not :)
At still other times, things are so hectic and overwhelming that the mere thought of putting emotions into words has me completely clammed up and shut down. like a fried hard drive if you will. With something so huge and monumental I just need to sit with it and figure out where the hell i'll start. In person, a friend will sit their in silence/listening to music/doing nothing else etc because it's the mere act of being there that is supportive. With the interwebs it makes it very easy to connect to people that are far away... the problem I find is that it's very hard to find "truthful" people... even I am very wary of putting up my real true inner-self and not just the polished, reserved outer self. (note everything I put up is me, but only few people get the true, deep down 100% undiluted me). Words have no flavor in many cases. no tone of voice. and, you can't just sit in silence with someone, intuitively knowing that's what they need when without the typing, there's no way to know they are there!!! it makes it a very tricky web that more often than not I seem to get caught in and can't continue. Take facebook: a guy at work goes on and on about how he has over 700 friends *OMG WOW YOU"RE AMAZING!* *rollseyeshere* I tell him each time he he brings it up that NO, he has 700 acquaintances, some of whom might be friends. He has people from first grade friend him, who he hasn't seen since then, knows nothing of their lives and could care less pretty much, and still says "oh but they are friends". no you don't know them... not all of them. not on a true friendship level. but to him, that is friendship. just knowing their name. If it makes him happy, more power to him! me? i'm much more selective about who i "friend" and who I don't. A whole new realm of etiquette needs to be muddled into being.
There wasn't really too much of a specific guideline about what/how i should write... hopefully this allows some more insight into myself. I do feel like I have tighter rules on what is and isn't friendship... or which level of friendship it is, than most people. After everything I have gone through, it is quite acceptable for me to try and keep most people an arms length away. Getting to close I'm liable to get terribly hurt and not just very hurt. I bleed for people when they hurt... inside. I give everything that I can without giving up myself entirely, at the end of the day, i'd say that is the best a friend can do... and if you want more from them (which some people have wanted more from me) you aren't a friend, but a wannabe owner. Those people who have tried to control me 100% are no longer in my life at all.
That was such a far reaching topic. Thanks Sheta... I hope it had some answer you were looking for in mind... :)
Ok, in my mind there are about a bazillion forms of friendship, the most important is the one that no matter how much time or space separates, when you meet again, it's like you never parted. through fights and through good times you love each other. Basically the "perfect relationship" without the sex part. These are the people, that even if they need time to themselves, they always come back to you, and vice versa.
Now, as I've mentioned before to many people. I feel alone. The reason for this is that other people's notions of friendship are much different than mine. Having come from a reserved place (in contrast) to america I was absolutely shell shocked at how quickly people were saying they were my friends! It's ridiculous to think you can be friends with anyone and everyone right off the bat. Do i think that situation is possible? Rarely, yes. A lot of the people I know have their "friends" as it suits them. they don't go out of their way they don't actually do anything that would be detrimental to themselves. I cannot stand it. I give so much of myself all the time "Do as I wish to be done by" is my motto. to be slapped in the face every time i do something nice, by someone who says that i'm "too nice" "too caring" "too _____" and that people just "take advantage" etc. it wears on me. Do I understand that very few people have my beliefs? yes. Does it matter that I'm not friends, but rather "friendly" with these people i'm helping? no. they are still humans... aquaintances... friendly acquaintances. They deserve to be treated how I would want to be treated, even if they don't reciprocate.
Having said all that: Sometimes I do get tired of it all and retreat. It's a self preservation reaction. I find myself overwhelmed and not getting the things in return that I need... over taxed energy wise. I have major self doubts, and while I rationally know (think i know?) that there are people who care about me as in my first definition, it's really very hard to see that, to believe it, to not self doubt. To not feel completely alone. I know that by retreating I have hurt friends and it hurts me to know it. I also know that by them doing something I have been hurt. Maybe not by similar behaviour but by something. At the end of the day though, if they needed me, and if i needed them, there's always a way to let me/them know. The choices we make at that point, when contacted, that proves whether it's true or not :)
At still other times, things are so hectic and overwhelming that the mere thought of putting emotions into words has me completely clammed up and shut down. like a fried hard drive if you will. With something so huge and monumental I just need to sit with it and figure out where the hell i'll start. In person, a friend will sit their in silence/listening to music/doing nothing else etc because it's the mere act of being there that is supportive. With the interwebs it makes it very easy to connect to people that are far away... the problem I find is that it's very hard to find "truthful" people... even I am very wary of putting up my real true inner-self and not just the polished, reserved outer self. (note everything I put up is me, but only few people get the true, deep down 100% undiluted me). Words have no flavor in many cases. no tone of voice. and, you can't just sit in silence with someone, intuitively knowing that's what they need when without the typing, there's no way to know they are there!!! it makes it a very tricky web that more often than not I seem to get caught in and can't continue. Take facebook: a guy at work goes on and on about how he has over 700 friends *OMG WOW YOU"RE AMAZING!* *rollseyeshere* I tell him each time he he brings it up that NO, he has 700 acquaintances, some of whom might be friends. He has people from first grade friend him, who he hasn't seen since then, knows nothing of their lives and could care less pretty much, and still says "oh but they are friends". no you don't know them... not all of them. not on a true friendship level. but to him, that is friendship. just knowing their name. If it makes him happy, more power to him! me? i'm much more selective about who i "friend" and who I don't. A whole new realm of etiquette needs to be muddled into being.
There wasn't really too much of a specific guideline about what/how i should write... hopefully this allows some more insight into myself. I do feel like I have tighter rules on what is and isn't friendship... or which level of friendship it is, than most people. After everything I have gone through, it is quite acceptable for me to try and keep most people an arms length away. Getting to close I'm liable to get terribly hurt and not just very hurt. I bleed for people when they hurt... inside. I give everything that I can without giving up myself entirely, at the end of the day, i'd say that is the best a friend can do... and if you want more from them (which some people have wanted more from me) you aren't a friend, but a wannabe owner. Those people who have tried to control me 100% are no longer in my life at all.
That was such a far reaching topic. Thanks Sheta... I hope it had some answer you were looking for in mind... :)