Long Night
So here it is again. The final hours of October 15. My own personal shadow holiday.
Three years ago today, a constant stream of disappointments, a major life shift, and unrealized dreams overwhelmed my soul; my heart cracked in two. I can honestly say that I never knew what depression felt like until that late ’07 - early ’08 season.
Borrowing the term from Andromeda, I later referred to that period as my Long Night. Soon after I named it, during a Catalyst meeting there was a discussion of the term “dark night of the soul” used by church fathers (St. John of the Cross specifically, I think). That and my own phrase referrers to a period in a believer’s life where God feels not only absent, but is deliberately avoiding communication. In addition, the way your soul functions seem different and alien.
Processing the new situation and delving into emotional health was an ongoing process. I made one or two large writing posts as I wrestled with ideas. Though I discovered a few genuine insights (that, perhaps, could even apply to or teach other believers), unfortunately they were lost in the overall self-pitying noise of me making an ass of myself.
This passage from Every Young Man, God’s Man leapt out to me:
“When you resist change, however, God has other ways to get our character in order, and those usually involve His calling a time-out on your plans. God can forge character by allowing difficulties, delays, or even the consequences of your choices to act as His agents of change. The Bible is filled with examples of His making men uncomfortable so He could teach them something about character. Just ask these guys:
• Joseph was stuck in an Egyptian jail for thirteen years before he became the number two man in Egypt.
• Moses lived in the desert for many years before God asked him to deliver the Israelites.
• David lived like a fugitive and was hunted like an animal before he became the greatest king of Israel.
• Jonah had an “Aha, I got it God” experience inside the stomach of a huge fish.
• Job endured catastrophes and testings.
• Paul was physically blinded by his encounter with Christ.”
During the spring/summer of 2009, I could finally see a light at the end of the dark road. Much of what I have written here is akin to entries from that season. However, I never truly acted on those lessons.
It is like…this newest part of my spiritual walk takes place in a cave or tunnel. The light I could see is at the exit, a tiny pinprick. What I did not recognize until recently is…I have sat down and halted advancing. I have been attempting to grow in pinprick of light.
Life has been…snug. Been dwelling in a cave, yes. But there is comparable safety inside the cave’s walls. Being outside means being exposed to the unpredictable elements out there. I am finally at the point where I long for those dynamic types of challenges, and the uplifting life they bring.
What will revolutionize in the upcoming year? I am weary of going through life with a desiccated rock for a heart. Done hiding. Ready to take everything I have learned in the past three years and push into a new lifestyle. I anticipate astonishing everyone around me. As Superman said in the Justice League Unlimited finale, “What we have here is a rare opportunity for me to cut loose and show you just how powerful I REALLY am.”
Arjayen
Three years ago today, a constant stream of disappointments, a major life shift, and unrealized dreams overwhelmed my soul; my heart cracked in two. I can honestly say that I never knew what depression felt like until that late ’07 - early ’08 season.
Borrowing the term from Andromeda, I later referred to that period as my Long Night. Soon after I named it, during a Catalyst meeting there was a discussion of the term “dark night of the soul” used by church fathers (St. John of the Cross specifically, I think). That and my own phrase referrers to a period in a believer’s life where God feels not only absent, but is deliberately avoiding communication. In addition, the way your soul functions seem different and alien.
Processing the new situation and delving into emotional health was an ongoing process. I made one or two large writing posts as I wrestled with ideas. Though I discovered a few genuine insights (that, perhaps, could even apply to or teach other believers), unfortunately they were lost in the overall self-pitying noise of me making an ass of myself.
This passage from Every Young Man, God’s Man leapt out to me:
“When you resist change, however, God has other ways to get our character in order, and those usually involve His calling a time-out on your plans. God can forge character by allowing difficulties, delays, or even the consequences of your choices to act as His agents of change. The Bible is filled with examples of His making men uncomfortable so He could teach them something about character. Just ask these guys:
• Joseph was stuck in an Egyptian jail for thirteen years before he became the number two man in Egypt.
• Moses lived in the desert for many years before God asked him to deliver the Israelites.
• David lived like a fugitive and was hunted like an animal before he became the greatest king of Israel.
• Jonah had an “Aha, I got it God” experience inside the stomach of a huge fish.
• Job endured catastrophes and testings.
• Paul was physically blinded by his encounter with Christ.”
During the spring/summer of 2009, I could finally see a light at the end of the dark road. Much of what I have written here is akin to entries from that season. However, I never truly acted on those lessons.
It is like…this newest part of my spiritual walk takes place in a cave or tunnel. The light I could see is at the exit, a tiny pinprick. What I did not recognize until recently is…I have sat down and halted advancing. I have been attempting to grow in pinprick of light.
Life has been…snug. Been dwelling in a cave, yes. But there is comparable safety inside the cave’s walls. Being outside means being exposed to the unpredictable elements out there. I am finally at the point where I long for those dynamic types of challenges, and the uplifting life they bring.
What will revolutionize in the upcoming year? I am weary of going through life with a desiccated rock for a heart. Done hiding. Ready to take everything I have learned in the past three years and push into a new lifestyle. I anticipate astonishing everyone around me. As Superman said in the Justice League Unlimited finale, “What we have here is a rare opportunity for me to cut loose and show you just how powerful I REALLY am.”
Arjayen