Standing, but not moving
Grey haze…
…has surrounded my thoughts for months. Unable to peer more than a few weeks into my future. I thought I was making progress. I was slammed down hard months ago, and I picked myself back up. I dug my head out of the sand, able to stand against the stress and challenges that were waiting. I returned to my element, becoming a strong rock that the winds could not shake, rattle, or move.
Not moving was the problem. Spiritual growth and understanding has been sparse. Because this time…this time I have to give back. I have known…for WEEKS…what God has wanted me to do. Any further progress has been placed on hold until I bow and follow through. My soul has been in a daze, not lacking direction, but the motivation to move. Frustration also set in, because I could FEEL new energy flowing through my mind…but it had no outlet. God was slowly increasing my reserves to DO new kingdom building…but I was not laying bricks. And it added to the unbalanced spirit.
What does Jesus want? There is a couple at church I have grown fond of. I am directed to ask them for a mentoring relationship. There a group of guys in the college class I want to grow closer to. I am directed to ask them to form a small group: for accountability, for book study, and just for social contacts for guy-related outings (like catching a movie). My heart is heavy with the challenges facing teens as they leave the nest. I am directed to serve them while gaining the necessary skills to teach them.
And until I sit down and compose email messages to start the wheels turning, God will not lift the pressure of dissatisfaction from my heart. I am not where I want to be. I am not who I want to be.
I suspect, unconsciously, I was stalling until this semester was over. Devotion to new prospects could conflict with academic goals. Now, I have a summer to find balance between the two.
But I have no job…money for simple traveling gas is a concern. Along with the other investments being a leader will entail. And God said, “I have the funds.” Another stalling point was my fear of leaving. I am in deep need of employment. Should a promising job open up far away from my church, I would have to pick up and go. Hesitation on deep involvement in church affairs has been linked to this. And I felt God speak. “I could call you away tomorrow. Or next week. Or next year. This is not about how long you stay involved in ministry at Fellowship. This is about are you WILLING to be involved. That attitude can be transported somewhere else, if I direct it.”
I have begun small steps. A few weeks back I offered to help at the library book club. I want more involvement with teens, so let me try something easy: teens who share my love for reading. Two meetings that day, one for book club, the other for manga lovers. I introduced myself at both meetings as a YA librarian-in-training. The book club was small, but populated by interactive high schoolers. Granted, most members were disinterested in the chosen book for the month. However, they discussed and shared personal stories, and talked about news from the community.
The manga club, in contrast…UTTER CHAOS. Dominated by middle school girls, there was an unending din of noise. It felt like Jennifer gathered everyone into the meeting room, shut the door, and tried to contain all that energy for an hour. The odd-yet-interesting thing was…it was a club. Though there were frequent tangents and odd stories, the kids WERE talking about manga. About their favorite characters, inferences on where a plot was going, recommending new series to each other, comparing the book vs. the cartoon, etc. I could not see the order, but it WORKED.
Now, while working on a class project, I have some emails to write…
Novel - Harry Potter #7: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling
Quotes from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:
“Harry rubbed his forehead, thinking. He had a vague idea he had heard the name before, but he could not think where.
“I think Voldemort’s looking for him.”
“Poor bloke,” said Ron fervently.”
““Well, exactly,” said Hermione, now flicking through The Tales of Beedle the Bard. “If these things are important enough to pass on right under the nose of Ministry, you’d think he’d have let us know why…unless he thought it was obvious?”
“Thought wrong, then, didn’t he?” said Ron. “I always said he was mental. Brilliant and everything, but cracked. Leaving Harry an old Snitch - what the hell was that about?””
““When I get married,” said Fred, tugging at the collar of his own robes, “I won’t be bothering with any of this nonsense. You can all wear what you like, and I’ll put a full Body-Bind Curse on Mum until it’s all over.””
“Unfortunately, the brilliance that Bathilda exhibited earlier in her life has now dimmed. “The fire’s lit, but the cauldron’s empty,” as Ivor Dillonsby put it to me, or, in Enid Smeek’s slightly earthier phrase, “She’s nutty as squirrel poo.””
““I’m sorry,” he said in a thick voice. “I’m sorry I left. I know I was a - a- ”
He looked around at the darkness, as if hoping a bad enough word would swoop down upon him and claim him.
“You’ve sort of made up for it tonight,” said Harry. “Getting the sword. Finishing off the Horcrux. Saving my life.”
“That makes me sound a lot cooler than I was,” Ron mumbled.
“Stuff like that always sounds cooler than it really was,” said Harry. “I’ve been trying to tell you that for years.””
““Would I?” asked Dumbledore heavily. “I am not so sure. I have proven, as a very young man, that power was my weakness and my temptation. It is a curious thing, Harry, but perhaps those who are best suited to power are those who have never sought it. Those who, like you, have leadership thrust upon them, and take up the mantle because they must, and find to their own surprise that they wear it well.””
Arjayen
…has surrounded my thoughts for months. Unable to peer more than a few weeks into my future. I thought I was making progress. I was slammed down hard months ago, and I picked myself back up. I dug my head out of the sand, able to stand against the stress and challenges that were waiting. I returned to my element, becoming a strong rock that the winds could not shake, rattle, or move.
Not moving was the problem. Spiritual growth and understanding has been sparse. Because this time…this time I have to give back. I have known…for WEEKS…what God has wanted me to do. Any further progress has been placed on hold until I bow and follow through. My soul has been in a daze, not lacking direction, but the motivation to move. Frustration also set in, because I could FEEL new energy flowing through my mind…but it had no outlet. God was slowly increasing my reserves to DO new kingdom building…but I was not laying bricks. And it added to the unbalanced spirit.
What does Jesus want? There is a couple at church I have grown fond of. I am directed to ask them for a mentoring relationship. There a group of guys in the college class I want to grow closer to. I am directed to ask them to form a small group: for accountability, for book study, and just for social contacts for guy-related outings (like catching a movie). My heart is heavy with the challenges facing teens as they leave the nest. I am directed to serve them while gaining the necessary skills to teach them.
And until I sit down and compose email messages to start the wheels turning, God will not lift the pressure of dissatisfaction from my heart. I am not where I want to be. I am not who I want to be.
I suspect, unconsciously, I was stalling until this semester was over. Devotion to new prospects could conflict with academic goals. Now, I have a summer to find balance between the two.
But I have no job…money for simple traveling gas is a concern. Along with the other investments being a leader will entail. And God said, “I have the funds.” Another stalling point was my fear of leaving. I am in deep need of employment. Should a promising job open up far away from my church, I would have to pick up and go. Hesitation on deep involvement in church affairs has been linked to this. And I felt God speak. “I could call you away tomorrow. Or next week. Or next year. This is not about how long you stay involved in ministry at Fellowship. This is about are you WILLING to be involved. That attitude can be transported somewhere else, if I direct it.”
I have begun small steps. A few weeks back I offered to help at the library book club. I want more involvement with teens, so let me try something easy: teens who share my love for reading. Two meetings that day, one for book club, the other for manga lovers. I introduced myself at both meetings as a YA librarian-in-training. The book club was small, but populated by interactive high schoolers. Granted, most members were disinterested in the chosen book for the month. However, they discussed and shared personal stories, and talked about news from the community.
The manga club, in contrast…UTTER CHAOS. Dominated by middle school girls, there was an unending din of noise. It felt like Jennifer gathered everyone into the meeting room, shut the door, and tried to contain all that energy for an hour. The odd-yet-interesting thing was…it was a club. Though there were frequent tangents and odd stories, the kids WERE talking about manga. About their favorite characters, inferences on where a plot was going, recommending new series to each other, comparing the book vs. the cartoon, etc. I could not see the order, but it WORKED.
Now, while working on a class project, I have some emails to write…
Novel - Harry Potter #7: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling
Quotes from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:
“Harry rubbed his forehead, thinking. He had a vague idea he had heard the name before, but he could not think where.
“I think Voldemort’s looking for him.”
“Poor bloke,” said Ron fervently.”
““Well, exactly,” said Hermione, now flicking through The Tales of Beedle the Bard. “If these things are important enough to pass on right under the nose of Ministry, you’d think he’d have let us know why…unless he thought it was obvious?”
“Thought wrong, then, didn’t he?” said Ron. “I always said he was mental. Brilliant and everything, but cracked. Leaving Harry an old Snitch - what the hell was that about?””
““When I get married,” said Fred, tugging at the collar of his own robes, “I won’t be bothering with any of this nonsense. You can all wear what you like, and I’ll put a full Body-Bind Curse on Mum until it’s all over.””
“Unfortunately, the brilliance that Bathilda exhibited earlier in her life has now dimmed. “The fire’s lit, but the cauldron’s empty,” as Ivor Dillonsby put it to me, or, in Enid Smeek’s slightly earthier phrase, “She’s nutty as squirrel poo.””
““I’m sorry,” he said in a thick voice. “I’m sorry I left. I know I was a - a- ”
He looked around at the darkness, as if hoping a bad enough word would swoop down upon him and claim him.
“You’ve sort of made up for it tonight,” said Harry. “Getting the sword. Finishing off the Horcrux. Saving my life.”
“That makes me sound a lot cooler than I was,” Ron mumbled.
“Stuff like that always sounds cooler than it really was,” said Harry. “I’ve been trying to tell you that for years.””
““Would I?” asked Dumbledore heavily. “I am not so sure. I have proven, as a very young man, that power was my weakness and my temptation. It is a curious thing, Harry, but perhaps those who are best suited to power are those who have never sought it. Those who, like you, have leadership thrust upon them, and take up the mantle because they must, and find to their own surprise that they wear it well.””
Arjayen