[f.013] Wherein things go wrong.
This is an odd entry for me to start out, because I just feel so very blah that I don't know where to take it.
Well, that's a lie. It didn't so much start at the party as after the party, but the party itself is as good a place to start as any. So, last night was the theatre department's year-end party, Fucked Up in Fairytale Land. I went as Hipsterella (and my costume was awesome), and in spite of everything I thought, had a lot of fun. After I did a lot of pointless wandering around talking to people, I started talking to Kendra, and then the two of us wound up pulling Jim into our conversation as well. I... not gonna lie, I was pretty drunk XD I was really happy about it, too, 'cause we'd all been drinking over here Friday night and I had been a depressing drunk and it had sucked. So I was drunk and everything was awesome and I was being a sarcastic little thing and it was hilarious and fun. Eventually I go home, and I am, as said before, very drunk and giggly--Emily said today that I was utterly hilarious, and I was far too amused at the time, so it was all good.
But Nik was apparently still in a mood. He'd been in one Friday night, but it had ended all right, 'cause before we went to sleep we sat up talking for a while about life in general and being clingy drunks and it was fine. But Saturday night he was still in a mood, I guess, and for some odd reason he got angry at me. I don't remember what I did to prompt it--I think he said something and I shot a Nerf dart at him? But regardless, I shot a dart at him, and even though I didn't hit him he grabbed up the assault rifle we have and unloaded a full clip at me. ...I may or may not have tipped sideways giggling so much. And could not drag myself back upright without a Herculean effort. But I took another shot at him... and he unloads another clip at me. And is all, "Ari. Think about it. Do you really want to start this? Do you really? B|"
To which I respond that well, that's not fair, I only shot at him twice and he's emptied two entire clips at me! I'm not starting anything; he's the one who's always "you shot me once so I get to shoot you back-- no, you don't get another shot after I shoot you; you got one hit and so I get one hit!" and so on and so forth.
And Nik just snapped at me. I don't remember the exact words any more, but it was something about how "Dammit, Ari..." and then something about me and the last word and how I didn't always need to have it. Which. Kind of took me entirely by surprise because I hadn't realized that he was trying to end it, one, and two, holy shit it was really harsh. Nik has professed several times to the fact that he thinks it's hilarious when I'm drunk because I am, and I quote, "really fun to mess with." (Mess in this instance meaning tease, mind you, nothing more.) Yeah, the entire emptying a full clip at me for one shot was odd, but I hadn't realized that he was in that bad a mood--and given how obviously drunk I was, I wasn't expecting him to react like that. I mean. Cripes. It had been just a game, no reason to swear at me over, especially considering that aside from calling me a bitch, which is all in good fun by this point, he doesn't really swear that much.
So I wound up outside crying for about an hour. B|
It's odd that I decided to go outside, to be frank; normally I would have just gone upstairs. But idk, maybe it's 'cause I was drunk, but I wanted freedom of movement. So I went outside. Sat on the sidewalk steps for a little bit, then felt too exposed. I walked toward the back corner, but a truck began to pull out and the last thing I wanted was to be seen by anybody, so I went to the other back of the parking lots. There was a nice pool of shadow cast by the hedges and the streetlamps, so I sat on the curb back there, but then there was some insect buzzing and flying and I hate little things that buzz ohmygod, so I fled that area too. The grass was wet because it had sprinkled earlier in the night, but I decided I didn't care when I got back to the sidewalk steps: I live in a townhouse complex-esque thing, where each building has four townhouses and two apartments in it (it goes townhouse-apartment-apartment-townhouse, and then the other two townhouses are on top of the two apartments). The space between my building and the next one was suuuuuuper dark, and although it was semi-exposed, there would be buildings on two sides and hedge on the side I was coming in from. The final side was open to everything, but there was no sidewalk there, so it wasn't as though anyone would come by.
So I crept in, and there happened to be a little dropoff that had a "wall" of wood set into it. I sat myself down on the wall... and yeah. Cried plenty, had many disparaging thoughts about life and myself as a person, so on and so forth. Nice little hole of self-hate, gooooo B| I laid down on the wall at one point and, to be honest, probably would have curled up and fallen asleep there if I hadn't only been wearing basketball shorts and a short-sleeve t-shirt (it was a decent temperature, but it was also sprinkling on and off and the rain was cold). So eventually, I go back in, exhausted, and go to bed. Now, Nik usually sleeps on the spare bed in my room--as a kind of symbol of "I'm over it, it never happened," I left a light on and the door open so that he'd be able to get in whenever he decided to go to bed.
I woke up this morning to find the bedroom door closed and the light still on. Rejected. Whoooooooo. B|
I'm hurt. I'm not going to beat around the bush here, I'm really upset by it still. I think what makes it worse is that he and Muriah marathoned half of season 3 of Digimon, and I don't know if the stupid boy actually realized that anything was even wrong.
Of course, things only get worse from there!
So I come downstairs, and my laptop's off. Well, that's obnoxious B| I assume someone's hit the power cord, set it back up, turn it back on... and about five minutes later it goes back off. On, off, on, off. It's not even loading full pages before it goes off. I jiggle the power cord a bit and suddenly it's back... but not for long. My battery, when you click the button on the underside, shows two lights, which means it still should hold a charge. My laptop itself is telling me that the battery's completely depleted and that it can't live without the charger attached.
The charger is borked. It only works if I'm holding it so that the light is on, and even then it will randomly go out and I'll have to wiggle it around to find a new position. Obviously, this isn't going to work long term. And, as it's now finals week, I have papers to write and studying to do.
And no laptop to do them with.
The combination of my being upset/hurt from being snapped at last night when I honestly had no idea I was doing anything wrong and the frustration from not having a laptop that could last more than five minutes? Well, I spent most of today up in my bedroom, reading and playing Phoenix Wright, the door and windows open so that I wasn't entirely closed off from everybody else.
And Nik left without saying anything to me. I still don't know if he realized anything was wrong. I got a text about twenty minutes ago asking me what times were open for him to come over to Haven during the day, but I've no idea if that's because he wants to talk or just wants to relax over here more or what.
Ngl, there was definitely more crying after that (the leaving, I mean, not the text). Eventually I told myself to quit being stupid, because holy shit was I being stupid, and I went downstairs. In lieu of, you know, being able to be on my computer and be productive, I decided to start playing Kingdom Hearts 2. ...I got to Hollow Bastion before I decided to quit for the night >.>;
Now, throughout all of this, I was holding onto a little string of sanity knowing that, if nothing else, I had my tiny netbook. I don't really like using it as my main, because I am so blind, but if nothing else, I can deal with it for a day or two. So once I'd finished KH, I went to track down netbook + cords.
...I'm pretty sure I had a miniature panic attack while looking for them. I found netbook fast enough, but could not find the power cord for my life. After systematically making my way around the entire living room looking (and uncovering well over 100 nerf darts as I went), I was feeling super-hot and nauseous, and had to go back outside to my wooden wall (this time squelching through mud, because it's rained lots today, and crouching on the wall rather than sitting because it was soaked) to cry more.
Finally I caught a vague memory of it and found the power cord, which leads me to right here, right now, typing this out. I have cried so much over the past 24 hours it's ridiculous, and have gone from being super-bouncy and amused to a stupid wreck. I don't want to do anything, not right now, not in a day, not in a week. Friends and I are supposed to all go out to the farm next Monday, but right now? I don't want to go. I'm miserable, and it's all my own fault, but I just can't muster up the energy to get myself out of it. Even though I've tried a few times >.> (HI, KH, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT)
I mean, I'll get over it in a couple days. Probably even tomorrow, tbh; Billy and I are going to go take our fake Miami Merger photos under the Upham Arch tomorrow (quick backstory; Miami legend has it that if you kiss under the Upham Arch at midnight, you'll be together forever. Billy is my sassy gay best friend; he is a drag queen and is hilarious I love him to pieces. Earlier in the year we realized that if we said our real names, William and Erin, we sounded like some upper-middle-class East-coast family with our 2.5 kids, dog, and white picket fence. Thus from that day forth we have been husbando and waifu. I'm the husbando. 8Db), and then we're doing one last Bell Tower Retro Hour. It'll be hard to be depressed and upset when all that silliness is going on ♥ I just really, really needed to vent this somewhere, because I haven't mentioned it to anybody today because I'm afraid they'll accidentally say something to make things worse (entirely likely, with my friends XD;;) or they'll judge me for crying over something so little (which they--well, okay, Muriah--wouldn't, but it's there regardless).
I actually feel a bit better for having written this out. I guess that now that I've gone "OH GODS, INTERNETS, I HAVE YOU AND I MISSED YOU SO MUCH /RUBS FACE AGAINST", I'll get to studying for that 8am exam like I'm supposed to...
Well, that's a lie. It didn't so much start at the party as after the party, but the party itself is as good a place to start as any. So, last night was the theatre department's year-end party, Fucked Up in Fairytale Land. I went as Hipsterella (and my costume was awesome), and in spite of everything I thought, had a lot of fun. After I did a lot of pointless wandering around talking to people, I started talking to Kendra, and then the two of us wound up pulling Jim into our conversation as well. I... not gonna lie, I was pretty drunk XD I was really happy about it, too, 'cause we'd all been drinking over here Friday night and I had been a depressing drunk and it had sucked. So I was drunk and everything was awesome and I was being a sarcastic little thing and it was hilarious and fun. Eventually I go home, and I am, as said before, very drunk and giggly--Emily said today that I was utterly hilarious, and I was far too amused at the time, so it was all good.
But Nik was apparently still in a mood. He'd been in one Friday night, but it had ended all right, 'cause before we went to sleep we sat up talking for a while about life in general and being clingy drunks and it was fine. But Saturday night he was still in a mood, I guess, and for some odd reason he got angry at me. I don't remember what I did to prompt it--I think he said something and I shot a Nerf dart at him? But regardless, I shot a dart at him, and even though I didn't hit him he grabbed up the assault rifle we have and unloaded a full clip at me. ...I may or may not have tipped sideways giggling so much. And could not drag myself back upright without a Herculean effort. But I took another shot at him... and he unloads another clip at me. And is all, "Ari. Think about it. Do you really want to start this? Do you really? B|"
To which I respond that well, that's not fair, I only shot at him twice and he's emptied two entire clips at me! I'm not starting anything; he's the one who's always "you shot me once so I get to shoot you back-- no, you don't get another shot after I shoot you; you got one hit and so I get one hit!" and so on and so forth.
And Nik just snapped at me. I don't remember the exact words any more, but it was something about how "Dammit, Ari..." and then something about me and the last word and how I didn't always need to have it. Which. Kind of took me entirely by surprise because I hadn't realized that he was trying to end it, one, and two, holy shit it was really harsh. Nik has professed several times to the fact that he thinks it's hilarious when I'm drunk because I am, and I quote, "really fun to mess with." (Mess in this instance meaning tease, mind you, nothing more.) Yeah, the entire emptying a full clip at me for one shot was odd, but I hadn't realized that he was in that bad a mood--and given how obviously drunk I was, I wasn't expecting him to react like that. I mean. Cripes. It had been just a game, no reason to swear at me over, especially considering that aside from calling me a bitch, which is all in good fun by this point, he doesn't really swear that much.
So I wound up outside crying for about an hour. B|
It's odd that I decided to go outside, to be frank; normally I would have just gone upstairs. But idk, maybe it's 'cause I was drunk, but I wanted freedom of movement. So I went outside. Sat on the sidewalk steps for a little bit, then felt too exposed. I walked toward the back corner, but a truck began to pull out and the last thing I wanted was to be seen by anybody, so I went to the other back of the parking lots. There was a nice pool of shadow cast by the hedges and the streetlamps, so I sat on the curb back there, but then there was some insect buzzing and flying and I hate little things that buzz ohmygod, so I fled that area too. The grass was wet because it had sprinkled earlier in the night, but I decided I didn't care when I got back to the sidewalk steps: I live in a townhouse complex-esque thing, where each building has four townhouses and two apartments in it (it goes townhouse-apartment-apartment-townhouse, and then the other two townhouses are on top of the two apartments). The space between my building and the next one was suuuuuuper dark, and although it was semi-exposed, there would be buildings on two sides and hedge on the side I was coming in from. The final side was open to everything, but there was no sidewalk there, so it wasn't as though anyone would come by.
So I crept in, and there happened to be a little dropoff that had a "wall" of wood set into it. I sat myself down on the wall... and yeah. Cried plenty, had many disparaging thoughts about life and myself as a person, so on and so forth. Nice little hole of self-hate, gooooo B| I laid down on the wall at one point and, to be honest, probably would have curled up and fallen asleep there if I hadn't only been wearing basketball shorts and a short-sleeve t-shirt (it was a decent temperature, but it was also sprinkling on and off and the rain was cold). So eventually, I go back in, exhausted, and go to bed. Now, Nik usually sleeps on the spare bed in my room--as a kind of symbol of "I'm over it, it never happened," I left a light on and the door open so that he'd be able to get in whenever he decided to go to bed.
I woke up this morning to find the bedroom door closed and the light still on. Rejected. Whoooooooo. B|
I'm hurt. I'm not going to beat around the bush here, I'm really upset by it still. I think what makes it worse is that he and Muriah marathoned half of season 3 of Digimon, and I don't know if the stupid boy actually realized that anything was even wrong.
Of course, things only get worse from there!
So I come downstairs, and my laptop's off. Well, that's obnoxious B| I assume someone's hit the power cord, set it back up, turn it back on... and about five minutes later it goes back off. On, off, on, off. It's not even loading full pages before it goes off. I jiggle the power cord a bit and suddenly it's back... but not for long. My battery, when you click the button on the underside, shows two lights, which means it still should hold a charge. My laptop itself is telling me that the battery's completely depleted and that it can't live without the charger attached.
The charger is borked. It only works if I'm holding it so that the light is on, and even then it will randomly go out and I'll have to wiggle it around to find a new position. Obviously, this isn't going to work long term. And, as it's now finals week, I have papers to write and studying to do.
And no laptop to do them with.
The combination of my being upset/hurt from being snapped at last night when I honestly had no idea I was doing anything wrong and the frustration from not having a laptop that could last more than five minutes? Well, I spent most of today up in my bedroom, reading and playing Phoenix Wright, the door and windows open so that I wasn't entirely closed off from everybody else.
And Nik left without saying anything to me. I still don't know if he realized anything was wrong. I got a text about twenty minutes ago asking me what times were open for him to come over to Haven during the day, but I've no idea if that's because he wants to talk or just wants to relax over here more or what.
Ngl, there was definitely more crying after that (the leaving, I mean, not the text). Eventually I told myself to quit being stupid, because holy shit was I being stupid, and I went downstairs. In lieu of, you know, being able to be on my computer and be productive, I decided to start playing Kingdom Hearts 2. ...I got to Hollow Bastion before I decided to quit for the night >.>;
Now, throughout all of this, I was holding onto a little string of sanity knowing that, if nothing else, I had my tiny netbook. I don't really like using it as my main, because I am so blind, but if nothing else, I can deal with it for a day or two. So once I'd finished KH, I went to track down netbook + cords.
...I'm pretty sure I had a miniature panic attack while looking for them. I found netbook fast enough, but could not find the power cord for my life. After systematically making my way around the entire living room looking (and uncovering well over 100 nerf darts as I went), I was feeling super-hot and nauseous, and had to go back outside to my wooden wall (this time squelching through mud, because it's rained lots today, and crouching on the wall rather than sitting because it was soaked) to cry more.
Finally I caught a vague memory of it and found the power cord, which leads me to right here, right now, typing this out. I have cried so much over the past 24 hours it's ridiculous, and have gone from being super-bouncy and amused to a stupid wreck. I don't want to do anything, not right now, not in a day, not in a week. Friends and I are supposed to all go out to the farm next Monday, but right now? I don't want to go. I'm miserable, and it's all my own fault, but I just can't muster up the energy to get myself out of it. Even though I've tried a few times >.> (HI, KH, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT)
I mean, I'll get over it in a couple days. Probably even tomorrow, tbh; Billy and I are going to go take our fake Miami Merger photos under the Upham Arch tomorrow (quick backstory; Miami legend has it that if you kiss under the Upham Arch at midnight, you'll be together forever. Billy is my sassy gay best friend; he is a drag queen and is hilarious I love him to pieces. Earlier in the year we realized that if we said our real names, William and Erin, we sounded like some upper-middle-class East-coast family with our 2.5 kids, dog, and white picket fence. Thus from that day forth we have been husbando and waifu. I'm the husbando. 8Db), and then we're doing one last Bell Tower Retro Hour. It'll be hard to be depressed and upset when all that silliness is going on ♥ I just really, really needed to vent this somewhere, because I haven't mentioned it to anybody today because I'm afraid they'll accidentally say something to make things worse (entirely likely, with my friends XD;;) or they'll judge me for crying over something so little (which they--well, okay, Muriah--wouldn't, but it's there regardless).
I actually feel a bit better for having written this out. I guess that now that I've gone "OH GODS, INTERNETS, I HAVE YOU AND I MISSED YOU SO MUCH /RUBS FACE AGAINST", I'll get to studying for that 8am exam like I'm supposed to...