(no subject)
HEY GUYS, I was going to write a proper intro for this entry but then I realized it doesn't deserve it. Long story short, here is the original Star Wars trilogy as told by someone who has never watched the original Star Wars trilogy, i.e. me.
A New Hope
Once I was at a sleepover and my friends decided I should finally watch Star Wars, but I only saw the first ten minutes before my mom came to pick me up. My memory of that is that the very first shot of the movie was Darth Vader walking down a hallway with his dudes, but what I have gathered from popular culture is that that is pretty incorrect. I believe the movie actually starts with the famous theme music and the scrolling yellow text - Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away and then some other stuff, I don't know what about, maybe, like, good and evil or something? - and then the famous shot of the huge Empire ship chasing the tiny Rebel ship, and then something something something Luke!
Luke Skywalker is a dude who lives with his aunt ... Beryl ... and uncle ... Jim? Sam? something boring ... on Tatooine which is all desert. They're farmers and recently I read what they're farmers of and was really confused by it but I have since forgotten what it was. Sand?? Sun?? It was something weird. But Luke is not happy with this life and there's a shot of him looking out at the horizon (that has two suns) while sad music plays and I guess that shot must be pretty moving in context because it's used in like every Star Wars clip show ever.
Luke and Uncle Bert go to a garage sale where they find R2-D2 and C-3PO who are broken down droids. They buy them and Luke fixes them up. Then Luke goes somewhere and comes back and his house is all burned down and his aunt and uncle are dead. There is another shot of him with sad music playing but his hair is blowing in the opposite direction this time. Then something something something Obi-Wan Kenobi! How does Luke know this guy? Well I know in the prequels Obi-Wan is friends with Luke's dad but Luke doesn't know that yet. Maybe Obi-Wan was friends with Uncle Tim. Well anyway I guess Luke goes to his house and is all "my aunt and uncle are dead and I want revenge" and Obi-Wan provides some backstory about Darth Vader ... did Darth Vader kill Luke's aunt and uncle? Why?? Anyway they grab R2-D2 and C-3PO and get in a little space ship and travel to a different part of the planet, I guess they're gonna go get revenge, but then there's that famous "These aren't the droids you're looking for" part where Obi-Wan convinces some Stormtroopers to let them into the city, so I guess someone is looking for the droids? Did Darth Vader kill Luke's aunt and uncle because he wants the droids? I have exactly no idea why he would want the droids? OH WAIT is it because R2-D2 has a message from Princess Leia? "Help me Obi-Wan you're my only hope"? Has that happened yet?
Ummmm anyway Luke and Obi-Wan go to the cantina where Han Solo is talking with this guy Greedo who I guess is trying to scam Han or steal his money or something so Han shoots him except in the new editions where Greedo shoots him first. Luke and Obi-Wan go to Han and make a deal with him so he'll drive them around in the Millennium Falcon which is his big space ship. Then they get into a fight for some reason? Obi-Wan punches some aliens? So they have to run to Han's ship and leave really quickly. Oh and Chewbacca is Han's BFF and he's on the ship.
Ummmm something something something Princess Leia! She's the princess of a whole planet I guess which is kinda weird but she's been kidnapped by Darth Vader. She says that he smells and then he blows up her whole planet and elsewhere Obi-Wan is like "!!" and Luke is like "What?" and Obi-Wan is like "I just sensed a whole bunch of people screaming and then suddenly silenced" because Obi-Wan is a Jedi who can use the Force and sense a bunch of stuff. Anyway what does Darth Vader want with Leia? He just blew up her whole planet which is presumably where all her money was???
THEN Luke and Han and Obi-Wan get to the Death Star which is Vader's space ship and I've actually seen chunks of this section. Vader uses the Force to choke a bunch of his dudes and then he has a light saber fight with Obi-Wan and kills him. I don't think any of the other characters even witness this?? Luke and Han dress up as Stormtroopers and go find Leia and she insults them a bunch but they rescue her anyway. Wait why was Obi-Wan Leia's only hope? How does she even know him? Why does Luke do anything that he does? I feel like I know the first movie pretty okay except that I have no idea what anyone's motivation for anything is.
Luke, Han, Leia and Chewbacca are in a hallway with Stormtroopers shooting at them ... then they escape into a trash compactor ... then they escape the trash compactor ... Leia insults everyone the whole time but Han isn't very nice either ... Luke and Leia do a Tarzan swing over a huge drop ... I guess they all make it to the Falcon and they fly around for a while being chased and presumably at some point they realize Obi-Wan isn't there anymore ...
Wait I think before Obi-Wan dies Luke starts to practice using the Force with a helmet that covers his eyes and a little floating ball that shoots at him. Then the climactic scene of the movie is Luke and a bunch of other rebel dudes flying around the Death Star trying to shoot its weak point, and Luke succeeds after Obi-Wan tells him from beyond the grave to use the Force, and Luke turns off his video screen and uses the Force and shoots the weak point and blows the Death Star up. I saw chunks of this part too.
Happy ending, Leia gives all the other main characters medals in a big ceremony. Oh and she and Luke kiss at some point because they don't know yet that they're siblings. Definitely as a kid I thought Luke and Leia were the main romantic couple in Star Wars.
I feel like I know this movie pretty okay except for the motivations and also I seem to be missing a huge section near the end there. How does Luke get from running away on the Falcon to running back in his own little ship?? Mystery! But in the next two movies I can't even really guess at what order the scenes go in ...
The Empire Strikes Back
Are we sure Return of the Jedi isn't the second one? Wouldn't that make more sense? It has "return" in the title? Well okay.
Some things I believe happen in this movie:
- Han and Leia are now the romantic couple and they bicker a lot but then they kiss.
- A new character! Lando Carlrissian ... Carlissian ... Carilssian ... is here! He and Han are old friends and happy to see each other but then Lando hits on Leia and Han is not so happy about that. I have absolutely no idea what Lando does otherwise.
- Boba Fett ... ? He's a bounty hunter? So I guess he bounty ... hunts ... ???
- A new character! Luke goes to a swamp to fight Yoda who is this hugely powerful Jedi. At first Luke is like "you can't be Yoda you're so small" but then Yoda teaches Luke many things by making him stand on one hand and carry him around. Yoda talks with strange grammar and says things like "Do or do not. There is no try" which, like, I get what he's saying, but as a piece of advice it annoys me. Like Obi-Wan, Yoda has the power to talk to people from beyond the grave. 'Cause I think he dies? In the swamp? Just from being super old? Anyway at some point he talks to Vader from beyond the grave and they fight about good and evil and Vader has the line "Search your feelings you know it to be true" which is also used in the Jedi show at Disneyland.
- Luke and Vader get into a light saber fight somehow and Vader cuts Luke's hand off and corners him and is all "Obi-Wan never told you about your father" and Luke is all "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!" and Vader is all "No, I am your father" and Luke is all "Noooooooooooooo" and then falls on purpose to the bottom of this huge pit and I have no idea where he ends up or how he gets out.
- Han gets captured by the bad guys (maybe by Boba Fett??) and frozen in carbonite! Just before this happens Leia says "I love you" and Han says "I know." Everyone seems to think Han Solo is such a great and cool character but he always just seems like a jerk to me? But in the next movie Han says "I love you" and Leia says "I know" so that makes up for it a bit I guess.
The Return of the Jedi
- Luke has a robot hand and wears all black now.
- Leia gets captured by huge slug dude Jabba the Hutt and has to wear that slave outfit. I guess Luke gets captured too because Jabba and Leia and all Jabba's attendants watch Luke fight some guys while standing just above this huge, man-eating pit. Someone throws Luke a light saber and the shot of him activating it is also in all of the Star Wars clip shows. Luke wins the fight I guess and all Jabba's dudes leave him alone and Leia strangles him with her chain.
- They get Han out of the carbonite I guess. Maybe Lando saves him. Maybe that's what Lando does.
- Ewoks? These little animals who live in the jungle? Leia rides a little space ship around in the jungle? All the fans hates the Ewoks but I don't even know what they do. Throw rocks at the bad guys? Basically I have no idea how the main characters get to all these different places or why. Wait does Chewbacca ever do anything? Or C-3PO??
- There's this guy named Emperor Palpatine who I guess is in charge of the whole evil empire and he's even more evil than Darth Vader!! Luke goes to kill Vader once and for all but Vader wants Luke to turn to the Dark Side and be evil too and they end up fighting in the emperor's throne room and the emperor shoots Luke with his laser powers but Vader kills the emperor by throwing him down a big pit (so many big pits in these movies) but then Vader dies but in, like, a redeemed way.
- HAPPY ENDING they have a big barbecue in the jungle with the Ewoks and Leia has her hair down for the first time and Luke goes and stands in the corner by himself but then he sees the ghosts of Yoda and Obi-Wan and Darth Vader yayyy that's the end!
Other Things that Happen Somewhere
- C-3PO says "I've got a bad feeling about this" in every movie.
- Somebody says "May the Force be with you" but I don't know who. I thought it was Yoda but the grammar is normal so I guess it isn't. Obi-Wan?
- Luke and Leia find out they're siblings at some point and presumably have some kind of reaction to this news but uh I don't know what.
- Luke rides around on an animal that looks like a camel on a planet that's all ice and Han has to come save him from freezing to death. I have absolutely zero idea when that happens or why. Wait isn't there also a big robot fight on the ice planet? You know I'm not sure I even really understand why the evil empire is evil. What is it that they want?? I can guess why they want to chase down Luke or Leia but why do they care about Han at all? He's just some dude?
FUN FACT: in grade six a classmate started calling me Obi-Wan Kenobi because part of it irritatingly sounds like my last name and I honest to goodness thought it was just a string of syllables she made up until like months later when someone else started calling me the same thing.
A New Hope
Once I was at a sleepover and my friends decided I should finally watch Star Wars, but I only saw the first ten minutes before my mom came to pick me up. My memory of that is that the very first shot of the movie was Darth Vader walking down a hallway with his dudes, but what I have gathered from popular culture is that that is pretty incorrect. I believe the movie actually starts with the famous theme music and the scrolling yellow text - Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away and then some other stuff, I don't know what about, maybe, like, good and evil or something? - and then the famous shot of the huge Empire ship chasing the tiny Rebel ship, and then something something something Luke!
Luke Skywalker is a dude who lives with his aunt ... Beryl ... and uncle ... Jim? Sam? something boring ... on Tatooine which is all desert. They're farmers and recently I read what they're farmers of and was really confused by it but I have since forgotten what it was. Sand?? Sun?? It was something weird. But Luke is not happy with this life and there's a shot of him looking out at the horizon (that has two suns) while sad music plays and I guess that shot must be pretty moving in context because it's used in like every Star Wars clip show ever.
Luke and Uncle Bert go to a garage sale where they find R2-D2 and C-3PO who are broken down droids. They buy them and Luke fixes them up. Then Luke goes somewhere and comes back and his house is all burned down and his aunt and uncle are dead. There is another shot of him with sad music playing but his hair is blowing in the opposite direction this time. Then something something something Obi-Wan Kenobi! How does Luke know this guy? Well I know in the prequels Obi-Wan is friends with Luke's dad but Luke doesn't know that yet. Maybe Obi-Wan was friends with Uncle Tim. Well anyway I guess Luke goes to his house and is all "my aunt and uncle are dead and I want revenge" and Obi-Wan provides some backstory about Darth Vader ... did Darth Vader kill Luke's aunt and uncle? Why?? Anyway they grab R2-D2 and C-3PO and get in a little space ship and travel to a different part of the planet, I guess they're gonna go get revenge, but then there's that famous "These aren't the droids you're looking for" part where Obi-Wan convinces some Stormtroopers to let them into the city, so I guess someone is looking for the droids? Did Darth Vader kill Luke's aunt and uncle because he wants the droids? I have exactly no idea why he would want the droids? OH WAIT is it because R2-D2 has a message from Princess Leia? "Help me Obi-Wan you're my only hope"? Has that happened yet?
Ummmm anyway Luke and Obi-Wan go to the cantina where Han Solo is talking with this guy Greedo who I guess is trying to scam Han or steal his money or something so Han shoots him except in the new editions where Greedo shoots him first. Luke and Obi-Wan go to Han and make a deal with him so he'll drive them around in the Millennium Falcon which is his big space ship. Then they get into a fight for some reason? Obi-Wan punches some aliens? So they have to run to Han's ship and leave really quickly. Oh and Chewbacca is Han's BFF and he's on the ship.
Ummmm something something something Princess Leia! She's the princess of a whole planet I guess which is kinda weird but she's been kidnapped by Darth Vader. She says that he smells and then he blows up her whole planet and elsewhere Obi-Wan is like "!!" and Luke is like "What?" and Obi-Wan is like "I just sensed a whole bunch of people screaming and then suddenly silenced" because Obi-Wan is a Jedi who can use the Force and sense a bunch of stuff. Anyway what does Darth Vader want with Leia? He just blew up her whole planet which is presumably where all her money was???
THEN Luke and Han and Obi-Wan get to the Death Star which is Vader's space ship and I've actually seen chunks of this section. Vader uses the Force to choke a bunch of his dudes and then he has a light saber fight with Obi-Wan and kills him. I don't think any of the other characters even witness this?? Luke and Han dress up as Stormtroopers and go find Leia and she insults them a bunch but they rescue her anyway. Wait why was Obi-Wan Leia's only hope? How does she even know him? Why does Luke do anything that he does? I feel like I know the first movie pretty okay except that I have no idea what anyone's motivation for anything is.
Luke, Han, Leia and Chewbacca are in a hallway with Stormtroopers shooting at them ... then they escape into a trash compactor ... then they escape the trash compactor ... Leia insults everyone the whole time but Han isn't very nice either ... Luke and Leia do a Tarzan swing over a huge drop ... I guess they all make it to the Falcon and they fly around for a while being chased and presumably at some point they realize Obi-Wan isn't there anymore ...
Wait I think before Obi-Wan dies Luke starts to practice using the Force with a helmet that covers his eyes and a little floating ball that shoots at him. Then the climactic scene of the movie is Luke and a bunch of other rebel dudes flying around the Death Star trying to shoot its weak point, and Luke succeeds after Obi-Wan tells him from beyond the grave to use the Force, and Luke turns off his video screen and uses the Force and shoots the weak point and blows the Death Star up. I saw chunks of this part too.
Happy ending, Leia gives all the other main characters medals in a big ceremony. Oh and she and Luke kiss at some point because they don't know yet that they're siblings. Definitely as a kid I thought Luke and Leia were the main romantic couple in Star Wars.
I feel like I know this movie pretty okay except for the motivations and also I seem to be missing a huge section near the end there. How does Luke get from running away on the Falcon to running back in his own little ship?? Mystery! But in the next two movies I can't even really guess at what order the scenes go in ...
The Empire Strikes Back
Are we sure Return of the Jedi isn't the second one? Wouldn't that make more sense? It has "return" in the title? Well okay.
Some things I believe happen in this movie:
- Han and Leia are now the romantic couple and they bicker a lot but then they kiss.
- A new character! Lando Carlrissian ... Carlissian ... Carilssian ... is here! He and Han are old friends and happy to see each other but then Lando hits on Leia and Han is not so happy about that. I have absolutely no idea what Lando does otherwise.
- Boba Fett ... ? He's a bounty hunter? So I guess he bounty ... hunts ... ???
- A new character! Luke goes to a swamp to fight Yoda who is this hugely powerful Jedi. At first Luke is like "you can't be Yoda you're so small" but then Yoda teaches Luke many things by making him stand on one hand and carry him around. Yoda talks with strange grammar and says things like "Do or do not. There is no try" which, like, I get what he's saying, but as a piece of advice it annoys me. Like Obi-Wan, Yoda has the power to talk to people from beyond the grave. 'Cause I think he dies? In the swamp? Just from being super old? Anyway at some point he talks to Vader from beyond the grave and they fight about good and evil and Vader has the line "Search your feelings you know it to be true" which is also used in the Jedi show at Disneyland.
- Luke and Vader get into a light saber fight somehow and Vader cuts Luke's hand off and corners him and is all "Obi-Wan never told you about your father" and Luke is all "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!" and Vader is all "No, I am your father" and Luke is all "Noooooooooooooo" and then falls on purpose to the bottom of this huge pit and I have no idea where he ends up or how he gets out.
- Han gets captured by the bad guys (maybe by Boba Fett??) and frozen in carbonite! Just before this happens Leia says "I love you" and Han says "I know." Everyone seems to think Han Solo is such a great and cool character but he always just seems like a jerk to me? But in the next movie Han says "I love you" and Leia says "I know" so that makes up for it a bit I guess.
The Return of the Jedi
- Luke has a robot hand and wears all black now.
- Leia gets captured by huge slug dude Jabba the Hutt and has to wear that slave outfit. I guess Luke gets captured too because Jabba and Leia and all Jabba's attendants watch Luke fight some guys while standing just above this huge, man-eating pit. Someone throws Luke a light saber and the shot of him activating it is also in all of the Star Wars clip shows. Luke wins the fight I guess and all Jabba's dudes leave him alone and Leia strangles him with her chain.
- They get Han out of the carbonite I guess. Maybe Lando saves him. Maybe that's what Lando does.
- Ewoks? These little animals who live in the jungle? Leia rides a little space ship around in the jungle? All the fans hates the Ewoks but I don't even know what they do. Throw rocks at the bad guys? Basically I have no idea how the main characters get to all these different places or why. Wait does Chewbacca ever do anything? Or C-3PO??
- There's this guy named Emperor Palpatine who I guess is in charge of the whole evil empire and he's even more evil than Darth Vader!! Luke goes to kill Vader once and for all but Vader wants Luke to turn to the Dark Side and be evil too and they end up fighting in the emperor's throne room and the emperor shoots Luke with his laser powers but Vader kills the emperor by throwing him down a big pit (so many big pits in these movies) but then Vader dies but in, like, a redeemed way.
- HAPPY ENDING they have a big barbecue in the jungle with the Ewoks and Leia has her hair down for the first time and Luke goes and stands in the corner by himself but then he sees the ghosts of Yoda and Obi-Wan and Darth Vader yayyy that's the end!
Other Things that Happen Somewhere
- C-3PO says "I've got a bad feeling about this" in every movie.
- Somebody says "May the Force be with you" but I don't know who. I thought it was Yoda but the grammar is normal so I guess it isn't. Obi-Wan?
- Luke and Leia find out they're siblings at some point and presumably have some kind of reaction to this news but uh I don't know what.
- Luke rides around on an animal that looks like a camel on a planet that's all ice and Han has to come save him from freezing to death. I have absolutely zero idea when that happens or why. Wait isn't there also a big robot fight on the ice planet? You know I'm not sure I even really understand why the evil empire is evil. What is it that they want?? I can guess why they want to chase down Luke or Leia but why do they care about Han at all? He's just some dude?
FUN FACT: in grade six a classmate started calling me Obi-Wan Kenobi because part of it irritatingly sounds like my last name and I honest to goodness thought it was just a string of syllables she made up until like months later when someone else started calling me the same thing.