Its the Final Countdown ( my thoughts on life love and everything in between) *it's long*
So ok it's not the FINAL countdown, but I have had that song in my head for the past hour and its close enough….8 days to go and the anticipation is rising…people question me and the choices I've made in my life, my positivity…in fact sometimes they downright judge me….and this is to answer all of that..Or at least, I hope it will (if it causes more confusion the you REALLY need to study up on how to understand me!!!!) so here we go….warning to you now..this could be long…but it happens…*dun na na na, dun nanananaaaaa*
My life as a negative:
I've had 5 major surgeries
I've had a total of over 20 broken bones
I've had 3 cancer scares
I got diagnosed with 2 auto immune diseases
I've had 3 cancer scares
I missed most of my senior year of high school
I watched my parents marriage fall apart
I helped raise my two younger brothers
I've moved to over 7 states, not really finding myself
I've had abuse boyfriends
I've had my heart broken
I've lost people that I loved more than anything in the whole world
I've been told I didn't have much longer to live
So all in all, my life hasn't been all peaches and cream…..now..that is just a handful of the stuff that happened to me…the bad stuff, the reason that people get cynical and bitchy at the world….not me…and there are reasons for that…I have always lived under the philosophy of "live everyday like it's your last" because I honestly didn't know when my last day would be…now…to look back on it…again
My life as a positive:
I have a wonderful husband
I have a child on the way
I live in my own house
I have a puppy
I have an amazing set of friends that I trust with everything
I learned what love is
I learned about compassion, passion and love
I have a vast knowledge of medical things I probably shouldn't know about
I have a passion for photography and I am good at it
I have such a strong family support system
I have recently gained more members to that family that I don't know how I lived without
I have the ability to dream
I can understand/empathize with the best of them
I can rely on myself
I have met and spent time with those people that inspire me
Ok, I know a lot of those things are inner things that you can't see…but they are my life…and that's why I can smile…because with all the bad stuff comes so much good…I never expected to have my life flip on its ear at the whim of fate or god or whatever we find out there, but it has and once I learned to roll with it, nothing could stop me…I smile because you don't want the last thing you do to be frowning…I laugh and live……yes I cry….it happens, to the best and worst of us…but with tears there is a release…you get yourself back together and start again…I was always taught to believe, to get right back on that bicycle and ride…because even if you get a few skinned knees, the rewards are that much more in the end….
Now moving on from life….well not really but a jump in subject….Love…my best friend gave me a rule over a year ago that I was not to have any "grey area relationships" he told me it had to be black or white with me…because the in between is what usually got me all screwed up. Ok so I figured….love or sex..right those are the two defined areas…..no I was wrong…because I would want one and fall into the other..hence the grey. I became perfectly happy in my own little world…which I think was the point he had tried to make…I became self sufficient. I learned how not to be in a relationship, when all I had known was relationships since I was 14. I learned that going out to a bar/club or even the movies by myself or with a friend was just so much more rewarding then having to worry f my hair looked pretty for that boy that I had my eye on. Now don't get me wrong, I talked about relationships, even fell into some pretty short ones but all in all I was on my own…that all got flipped on its ear…..almost a year and a half ago I was online and started chatting to a boy whose profile stalked me for a while…he was cute and his voice was amazing, but he was a friend a pen pal..a confidant with all the drama bullshit that constantly tried to surround me…It was nice just having someone to listen…to exchange ideas and stories with someone and not have to worry about wearing your rattiest sweatpants because they couldn't see you anyway…Well….I'm sure you heard the story before…so I won't continue with it, if only to say…I can still wear the rattiest sweatpants around him and he still loves me….I found love…something I knew I wanted but had stopped looking for…I found it in a place I had never realized it would be and it is so very worth it….My husband is wonderful, and I have realized some things while we have been together….
Marriage isn't easy, but it's not supposed to be hard
You can't make one person your world, but you can find that happy medium in between your worlds to share
You can have differences of opinion and argue, but you don't always have to win
Understanding isn't easy, neither is compromise, but listening is the key to both
Love is there, it is pure and true and when you know where your home and heart are then the rest doesn't matter
You really are as beautiful as they say you are, they just see you through different eyes
Butterflies don't have to go away, in fact they never really do
You can live with a person forever, and know everything about them and still be intrigued
So there you go…that is how I feel on love, and the things behind it…it can be bumpy or smooth but it's what you make of it...We arent in our "honeymood" period, in fact that probably went away soon after we started dating...We dont have to spend our time together, and we enjoy our time apart...I love spending time with him though, not because I have to be attached to his hip, but because we enjoy each others company and we laugh and have a good time, he is my best fried and I am so lucky to have found that…He said to me last night "Baby, either we have been married from day one or we never got married at all"…and it made me smile, in fact its making me smile right now…because it's true. I found him and that was it, and I was ok with this…it is neither black nor white and there are shades of grey in it….but it's got all the rest of the colors mixed in too…like a happily cheerful paint sample…don't get me wrong, we have our things that we need to work on..but who doesn't….it's the fact that it just comes naturally that I really appreciate the beauty of….
My friends….well there is so much to say, and so much drama I could stir up right now…but I won't, I can say this though…once you weed out the ones who want to use you(for any purpose being money, scapegoating, drama or inconsistent love) you will find the core group that is always there….For a long time I don't think I was a good friend, nor do I think I really and truly knew how to be a good friend, because it was quite the foreign concept to me…my friends all talked about each other, blamed each other, lived so much in each other's lives that the separation and lines which you shouldn't cross were blurred…looking back on it I can't say I regret any of what happened to me and my friends, only that it built a stronger me….I have since realized that your friends are the ones you can count on but who don't have the constant NEED to be counted on…they WILL defend you no matter what, even if it means tell you that YOU are the problem….Drama happens…we live and move on..fuck what the others think…it's the ones that love you that see through it all anyway….and this moves me onto the next subject
Family…Family has always been a big part of my life, I have a huge family. Much like my friends we were always involved in each other's lives and sometimes it was to the point of badness…family is so important to me, because I honestly don't know how I would have survived without them. You may not see them often but it doesn't mean they don't still care. And since I have been put on the path of making my own family I only hope that I can bring that closeness to the ones I love the most…I have a wonderful family, some close some far some I don't get to see, and even haven't met yet…but they are my heart.
And last but not least(and never done because there are so many topics I can touch on but I'll save those for later) inspiration. There are people in my life that have inspired me, I am a dreamer and a romantic I always have been. It may sound crude or wrong to people but I honestly and truly believe if you follow your heart and dreams, and if you believe and work for it you really can achieve anything…it was something that wasn't fully developed when I was young but I have grown more and more into…sometimes life throws things your way that shake you from the road but you can always get right back on…I have met some people in this lifetime who inspire me, people that I can honestly say I will remember the most when I am gone, people whose lessons I will teach to those around me…I have lost people that inspire me, those who gave me all they could to send me on my way, and I will never forget them…I have watched a movie with a child and seen it through their eyes, I have played parts that I never knew I was meant to play, I was strong when I didn't know I could be but I knew I had to…Don't just turn your back on the stories people tell you, or that ones you meet….don't laugh at what you don't believe cuz you can't see it in reality….all things are possibly..I truly and honestly believe that…
It's ok to be scared, to want or need or seek help, it's ok to want attention, it's ok to still be figuring it out…in the end everyone does…or at least is a little closer to understanding what it is that they need, and that's all anyone can really ask for. You will have the support of those that love you, and you do make them proud everyday….even when you don't realize it(and trust me I know sometimes how hard it is to understand and realize that some is proud of YOU and loves YOU for who YOU are…even if you are all fucked up on the inside)
So I think that about sums it up right now…I'm a positive person, I believe in many things and my passion sometimes overrides my thought process…but I'm happy…honestly and truly happy, for the first time in my life…I have everything I never knew I always wanted…I can see a future that I never knew possible…I have dreams that can be achieved…and my mind hasn't been gunked up with the bad, but processed it into something that is a little better on the soul….
Call me what you want, think what you want…but you can't bring me down…and I don't expect you to…because I know, inside….you get it!
8 days till Jayson arrives, 8 days of spending time alone with Christopher, 8 days to prepare…8 days till my life is turned over yet again, but I'm not worried…in fact…I'm looking forward to it
With love eternal
Shaina
My life as a negative:
I've had 5 major surgeries
I've had a total of over 20 broken bones
I've had 3 cancer scares
I got diagnosed with 2 auto immune diseases
I've had 3 cancer scares
I missed most of my senior year of high school
I watched my parents marriage fall apart
I helped raise my two younger brothers
I've moved to over 7 states, not really finding myself
I've had abuse boyfriends
I've had my heart broken
I've lost people that I loved more than anything in the whole world
I've been told I didn't have much longer to live
So all in all, my life hasn't been all peaches and cream…..now..that is just a handful of the stuff that happened to me…the bad stuff, the reason that people get cynical and bitchy at the world….not me…and there are reasons for that…I have always lived under the philosophy of "live everyday like it's your last" because I honestly didn't know when my last day would be…now…to look back on it…again
My life as a positive:
I have a wonderful husband
I have a child on the way
I live in my own house
I have a puppy
I have an amazing set of friends that I trust with everything
I learned what love is
I learned about compassion, passion and love
I have a vast knowledge of medical things I probably shouldn't know about
I have a passion for photography and I am good at it
I have such a strong family support system
I have recently gained more members to that family that I don't know how I lived without
I have the ability to dream
I can understand/empathize with the best of them
I can rely on myself
I have met and spent time with those people that inspire me
Ok, I know a lot of those things are inner things that you can't see…but they are my life…and that's why I can smile…because with all the bad stuff comes so much good…I never expected to have my life flip on its ear at the whim of fate or god or whatever we find out there, but it has and once I learned to roll with it, nothing could stop me…I smile because you don't want the last thing you do to be frowning…I laugh and live……yes I cry….it happens, to the best and worst of us…but with tears there is a release…you get yourself back together and start again…I was always taught to believe, to get right back on that bicycle and ride…because even if you get a few skinned knees, the rewards are that much more in the end….
Now moving on from life….well not really but a jump in subject….Love…my best friend gave me a rule over a year ago that I was not to have any "grey area relationships" he told me it had to be black or white with me…because the in between is what usually got me all screwed up. Ok so I figured….love or sex..right those are the two defined areas…..no I was wrong…because I would want one and fall into the other..hence the grey. I became perfectly happy in my own little world…which I think was the point he had tried to make…I became self sufficient. I learned how not to be in a relationship, when all I had known was relationships since I was 14. I learned that going out to a bar/club or even the movies by myself or with a friend was just so much more rewarding then having to worry f my hair looked pretty for that boy that I had my eye on. Now don't get me wrong, I talked about relationships, even fell into some pretty short ones but all in all I was on my own…that all got flipped on its ear…..almost a year and a half ago I was online and started chatting to a boy whose profile stalked me for a while…he was cute and his voice was amazing, but he was a friend a pen pal..a confidant with all the drama bullshit that constantly tried to surround me…It was nice just having someone to listen…to exchange ideas and stories with someone and not have to worry about wearing your rattiest sweatpants because they couldn't see you anyway…Well….I'm sure you heard the story before…so I won't continue with it, if only to say…I can still wear the rattiest sweatpants around him and he still loves me….I found love…something I knew I wanted but had stopped looking for…I found it in a place I had never realized it would be and it is so very worth it….My husband is wonderful, and I have realized some things while we have been together….
Marriage isn't easy, but it's not supposed to be hard
You can't make one person your world, but you can find that happy medium in between your worlds to share
You can have differences of opinion and argue, but you don't always have to win
Understanding isn't easy, neither is compromise, but listening is the key to both
Love is there, it is pure and true and when you know where your home and heart are then the rest doesn't matter
You really are as beautiful as they say you are, they just see you through different eyes
Butterflies don't have to go away, in fact they never really do
You can live with a person forever, and know everything about them and still be intrigued
So there you go…that is how I feel on love, and the things behind it…it can be bumpy or smooth but it's what you make of it...We arent in our "honeymood" period, in fact that probably went away soon after we started dating...We dont have to spend our time together, and we enjoy our time apart...I love spending time with him though, not because I have to be attached to his hip, but because we enjoy each others company and we laugh and have a good time, he is my best fried and I am so lucky to have found that…He said to me last night "Baby, either we have been married from day one or we never got married at all"…and it made me smile, in fact its making me smile right now…because it's true. I found him and that was it, and I was ok with this…it is neither black nor white and there are shades of grey in it….but it's got all the rest of the colors mixed in too…like a happily cheerful paint sample…don't get me wrong, we have our things that we need to work on..but who doesn't….it's the fact that it just comes naturally that I really appreciate the beauty of….
My friends….well there is so much to say, and so much drama I could stir up right now…but I won't, I can say this though…once you weed out the ones who want to use you(for any purpose being money, scapegoating, drama or inconsistent love) you will find the core group that is always there….For a long time I don't think I was a good friend, nor do I think I really and truly knew how to be a good friend, because it was quite the foreign concept to me…my friends all talked about each other, blamed each other, lived so much in each other's lives that the separation and lines which you shouldn't cross were blurred…looking back on it I can't say I regret any of what happened to me and my friends, only that it built a stronger me….I have since realized that your friends are the ones you can count on but who don't have the constant NEED to be counted on…they WILL defend you no matter what, even if it means tell you that YOU are the problem….Drama happens…we live and move on..fuck what the others think…it's the ones that love you that see through it all anyway….and this moves me onto the next subject
Family…Family has always been a big part of my life, I have a huge family. Much like my friends we were always involved in each other's lives and sometimes it was to the point of badness…family is so important to me, because I honestly don't know how I would have survived without them. You may not see them often but it doesn't mean they don't still care. And since I have been put on the path of making my own family I only hope that I can bring that closeness to the ones I love the most…I have a wonderful family, some close some far some I don't get to see, and even haven't met yet…but they are my heart.
And last but not least(and never done because there are so many topics I can touch on but I'll save those for later) inspiration. There are people in my life that have inspired me, I am a dreamer and a romantic I always have been. It may sound crude or wrong to people but I honestly and truly believe if you follow your heart and dreams, and if you believe and work for it you really can achieve anything…it was something that wasn't fully developed when I was young but I have grown more and more into…sometimes life throws things your way that shake you from the road but you can always get right back on…I have met some people in this lifetime who inspire me, people that I can honestly say I will remember the most when I am gone, people whose lessons I will teach to those around me…I have lost people that inspire me, those who gave me all they could to send me on my way, and I will never forget them…I have watched a movie with a child and seen it through their eyes, I have played parts that I never knew I was meant to play, I was strong when I didn't know I could be but I knew I had to…Don't just turn your back on the stories people tell you, or that ones you meet….don't laugh at what you don't believe cuz you can't see it in reality….all things are possibly..I truly and honestly believe that…
It's ok to be scared, to want or need or seek help, it's ok to want attention, it's ok to still be figuring it out…in the end everyone does…or at least is a little closer to understanding what it is that they need, and that's all anyone can really ask for. You will have the support of those that love you, and you do make them proud everyday….even when you don't realize it(and trust me I know sometimes how hard it is to understand and realize that some is proud of YOU and loves YOU for who YOU are…even if you are all fucked up on the inside)
So I think that about sums it up right now…I'm a positive person, I believe in many things and my passion sometimes overrides my thought process…but I'm happy…honestly and truly happy, for the first time in my life…I have everything I never knew I always wanted…I can see a future that I never knew possible…I have dreams that can be achieved…and my mind hasn't been gunked up with the bad, but processed it into something that is a little better on the soul….
Call me what you want, think what you want…but you can't bring me down…and I don't expect you to…because I know, inside….you get it!
8 days till Jayson arrives, 8 days of spending time alone with Christopher, 8 days to prepare…8 days till my life is turned over yet again, but I'm not worried…in fact…I'm looking forward to it
With love eternal
Shaina