Greener Grass
I am constantly struggling through work this week, mainly due to a « greener grass syndrome ». Right now all I want to do is to be somewhere else, be it on vaccation or even working or being in school. This hiatus of 8-9 hours every day is frustrating beyond anything I can explain. I am not here for the biology… I am here for the travel, the life experience, and the self-discovery and renewal. So to be interrupted by assays, final reports, and halting conversations in french is simply starting to feel like a waste of my precious remaining time. I realize I would not be here but for the biology, that I am being paid for the biology, and that the biology will get me where I want to go in the next few years, but there is something inherantly painful in being stuck in a rotting basement room full of bacteria when it’s sunny… in Paris…
In the meantime, I’ve been contemplating this whole « I want to ignore the biology » aspect of this trip. Some of the reactions I’ve gotten while I’ve been here have been effectively forcing me to question (again) whether this is the right field to be in. When I am constantly surrounded by overacheiving undergrads and Ph.D. students, I feel bad for not having an overarching goal for my life within science. But why the hell would it be wrong to simply want to make some decent money in the field? What I really want is to be able to work hard for a few years and get myself set up… buy a home, a car, and just generally have a financial cushion so that I can explore other options. I’m too practical to simply want to drift from field to field, but I realize that science may be a ticket into other things (science writing perhaps?) as well as a halfway decent meal ticket. I know I am worth a lot of money to employers at this point, and I feel like that is terribly important to not squander.
Am I being too practical? Will I find a job and find out that the grass only looked greener on that other side? What if all this work and effort turns out to be drudgery that I can’t stand?? Well, welcome to my reasoning for taking this internship, for taking a year off to work, for my interest in masters programs above Ph.D. programs. Happiness must balance out with salary, but for a little while the money may be worth it, even if the happiness is less than you bargained for. It will all work out… afterall, the options are endless in my mind.
In the meantime, I’ve been contemplating this whole « I want to ignore the biology » aspect of this trip. Some of the reactions I’ve gotten while I’ve been here have been effectively forcing me to question (again) whether this is the right field to be in. When I am constantly surrounded by overacheiving undergrads and Ph.D. students, I feel bad for not having an overarching goal for my life within science. But why the hell would it be wrong to simply want to make some decent money in the field? What I really want is to be able to work hard for a few years and get myself set up… buy a home, a car, and just generally have a financial cushion so that I can explore other options. I’m too practical to simply want to drift from field to field, but I realize that science may be a ticket into other things (science writing perhaps?) as well as a halfway decent meal ticket. I know I am worth a lot of money to employers at this point, and I feel like that is terribly important to not squander.
Am I being too practical? Will I find a job and find out that the grass only looked greener on that other side? What if all this work and effort turns out to be drudgery that I can’t stand?? Well, welcome to my reasoning for taking this internship, for taking a year off to work, for my interest in masters programs above Ph.D. programs. Happiness must balance out with salary, but for a little while the money may be worth it, even if the happiness is less than you bargained for. It will all work out… afterall, the options are endless in my mind.