No He Can't Read My Poker Face
Dearest LiveJournal,
Oh, the times we have been through. The boys I have whined and obsessed and gone crazy over. God, I want to delete that shit, but never do. Ugh. That is why I find that I have no desire to write about Adam whatsoever refreshing. I feel as if writing about anyone in here dooms them.
Also, dearest, dearest LJ, why am I so miserably unhappy right now? Things have been far worse for me. When it gets spring-like, I get the same feeling I would get in Spring 07, that everything was going to be crazy-awesome, and that came true. So like . . . what gives? I was going to try and blame it on the fact that I was devastatingly sick this week, but I have felt like this for a month-ish, maybe longer. BLAH.
Also AND THIS IS ANNOYING, DON'T EVEN BOTHER READING THIS I have such issues with my physical appearance that I want to scream. And flail. And scrail, which is both at the same time. At times I'm stunning; other times I want to break the fucking mirror while screaming, "FAT FAT FATTYFATFATTTTTTTTTTFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!" Which is ridiculous. I'M NOT FAT! For the love of the Force, I'm wearing a size small shirt right now that is baggy on me, and a mini-skirt that is looser on me than it was last week. Until getting sick this week, I was running 5 miles a day, if not more. I diet like a woman possessed. And yet, I am overcritical and beyond bitchy to myself. I want to lay on a beach for like, a week and make me less translucent, not eating the whole time and then maybe I'll be happy for five fucking seconds.
UGH.
Also, LJ my love, I want a job. Is that so wrong? I WANT A FUCKING JOB BEFORE I GO CRAZY! (All caps indicates that point is approaching) And to act. To do some form of acting, I don't care what - I don't care if it's just reading parts aloud from books, like I did when I was little - but SOMETHING! I am young, I am pretty, I am reasonably talented and if I'm not acting I would really just kind of like to be dead.
Oh oh oh. (I am being demanding and whiny this entry, but such is my right for like, never updating and suddenly getting an urge) I want to go on a roadtrip, too. Like, wind in my hair, sun shining, vroom vroom. STIR CRAZY STIR CRAZY AHHHHHHHHHH
Maybe I just want winter to be over. It's my favorite season, but we had snow a total of twice, and I'm done with it now. I want spring. I want sun. I want . . . a tan. (Which, wtf? I have never wanted a tan in my life!)
I actually kinda sorta think I would just prefer not to be me anymore.
Love and Kisses,
Arin