fucking hell!
the Paranoid's Pocket Guide to Mental Disorders You Can Just Feel Coming On is the best book since the last book i read. now i finally know whats wrong with me. soooo yeah. after the whole getting followed home thing i got some mace. i also hide my knife on me when i go anywhere 'cept work. i guess i didnt think it bothered me that much until the other day when i saw a similiar silver truck and nearly swerved off the road. my mom told me she got followed home by some dude on a motorcycle not too long ago. i guess were just hot bitches.
speaking of which, she's really getting into taking Pamela to court. im just so scared though. i feel like a fucking coward for it. im so scared of sitting on the stand and having some prick in a suit try to convince a bunch of people that ive faked my seizures and im just after this lady and her family for the money. i know it would come up, i also know that after 16 years have passed theres no physical evidence of rape. yeah theres my seizures, and yeah im in constant pain, but ive been checked out, theres no scar tissue, it was with a foreign object-Max's toy shotgun, so my hymen didnt even break. all i have is what ive remembered during the seizures, and the stuff that my mom remembers me telling her all those years ago..and even then i couldnt be coaxed to say much. i just want to file a report, then if it happened to someone else i wouldnt be so scared. i just have flashbacks, i dont know the whole thing. at least not anymore..i guess ive blocked it out. like Wolverine. seriously though, i know it will make my mother feel like she did everything she could, even though i try to tell her she did. i think maybe i wouldnt feel like a coward anymore, but who knows. nothing will change the state im in now. nothing will give me back the years i missed and all the things i was too scared to do.
i think ive done well so far though, i got through everyone thinking i was completely nuts and that i was doing it for attention. i even asked myself that, hell i had no idea what was going on or why this was happening to me after so long. any explaination would have happily been swallowed. thankfully im not completely insane, i dont have Munchausen's, im not doing because im in need of attention, i got hugged enough as a kid. apparently a little too much, ba-zing! i had nothing to gain by any of this, i didnt make any friends, i didnt fix any awkward situation, my dad was ashamed of me, my mom was depressed, i wasnt fit to drive or work, the only thing that i had were my friends, rory and ashley and theyre gone now too. so much for that. who fucking knows what ashleys doing and rory...well, i miss having fun with him. but thatll never come back either. hell, i guess i dont really have anything left to lose. its not like they could hurt my reputation, theres not that much to it. i dont drink, i dont do drugs, i work at a pet store and raise the baby animals people bring in, i spend a little too much money on the ones that i own, i work hard to get through school so i can be a graphic designer or an illustrator or whatever the hell comes a long first. not too much can be said about my character thats bad, im sure a few bitches could disagree, but if they did theyd get stabbed in the neck. bitches best recognize!
man, i need to go to sleep. i wish i knew what to do about all this.
speaking of which, she's really getting into taking Pamela to court. im just so scared though. i feel like a fucking coward for it. im so scared of sitting on the stand and having some prick in a suit try to convince a bunch of people that ive faked my seizures and im just after this lady and her family for the money. i know it would come up, i also know that after 16 years have passed theres no physical evidence of rape. yeah theres my seizures, and yeah im in constant pain, but ive been checked out, theres no scar tissue, it was with a foreign object-Max's toy shotgun, so my hymen didnt even break. all i have is what ive remembered during the seizures, and the stuff that my mom remembers me telling her all those years ago..and even then i couldnt be coaxed to say much. i just want to file a report, then if it happened to someone else i wouldnt be so scared. i just have flashbacks, i dont know the whole thing. at least not anymore..i guess ive blocked it out. like Wolverine. seriously though, i know it will make my mother feel like she did everything she could, even though i try to tell her she did. i think maybe i wouldnt feel like a coward anymore, but who knows. nothing will change the state im in now. nothing will give me back the years i missed and all the things i was too scared to do.
i think ive done well so far though, i got through everyone thinking i was completely nuts and that i was doing it for attention. i even asked myself that, hell i had no idea what was going on or why this was happening to me after so long. any explaination would have happily been swallowed. thankfully im not completely insane, i dont have Munchausen's, im not doing because im in need of attention, i got hugged enough as a kid. apparently a little too much, ba-zing! i had nothing to gain by any of this, i didnt make any friends, i didnt fix any awkward situation, my dad was ashamed of me, my mom was depressed, i wasnt fit to drive or work, the only thing that i had were my friends, rory and ashley and theyre gone now too. so much for that. who fucking knows what ashleys doing and rory...well, i miss having fun with him. but thatll never come back either. hell, i guess i dont really have anything left to lose. its not like they could hurt my reputation, theres not that much to it. i dont drink, i dont do drugs, i work at a pet store and raise the baby animals people bring in, i spend a little too much money on the ones that i own, i work hard to get through school so i can be a graphic designer or an illustrator or whatever the hell comes a long first. not too much can be said about my character thats bad, im sure a few bitches could disagree, but if they did theyd get stabbed in the neck. bitches best recognize!
man, i need to go to sleep. i wish i knew what to do about all this.