(no subject)
The thing I hate most about law school is what it's done to my self-esteem. In saying "self-esteem", I don't mean it in reference to my own self worth. It's actually a bit of the opposite in that respect. I have grown (up) a lot in the last couple of years, and in a lot of ways, I'm more confident than I have ever been. No, what I'm talking about when I say "self-esteem" is my opinion of my intelligence.
All through elementary, junior high, and high school, I knew I was smart, and it wasn't just because I went to such a small school. I did well on national tests and won awards at academic competitions. I knew I was smart.
Then I went off to college. As time went by in undergrad, I was no longer the very top of the class. But it didn't make that much of a difference at that point because I had loosened up enough that I no longer needed to be at the very top. I was still one of the good students, one of the kids near the top of the class, and I knew deep down that if I wanted to be, I could be the best. At that point in my life, there were other things that were more important to me, especially since I was still doing well in school. And in any case, I knew I was smart.
Fast forward to law school. Here, I don't feel smart. In fact, I feel pretty dumb a lot of the time. I also used to think I was a good writer, but a combination of law school exams, lack of regular practice, and lack of positive reinforcement have shaken my faith in that area too.
On some level, I know that I'm partly the same girl I was before. I mean, just going to law school doesn't erase my history or my education or that thing inside me that I KNOW must still be there. But I'm doubting myself intellectually for the first time in my life. Here, in this world, my brains are not good enough, which makes me wonder if they were good enough to begin with.
Basically, what it comes down to is that I'm scared. I'm not sure where I'm going or what to do, I don't know if I'm good enough for the legal world, and I'm doubting one of the only things I have consistently had faith in about myself.
So where do I go from here?
All through elementary, junior high, and high school, I knew I was smart, and it wasn't just because I went to such a small school. I did well on national tests and won awards at academic competitions. I knew I was smart.
Then I went off to college. As time went by in undergrad, I was no longer the very top of the class. But it didn't make that much of a difference at that point because I had loosened up enough that I no longer needed to be at the very top. I was still one of the good students, one of the kids near the top of the class, and I knew deep down that if I wanted to be, I could be the best. At that point in my life, there were other things that were more important to me, especially since I was still doing well in school. And in any case, I knew I was smart.
Fast forward to law school. Here, I don't feel smart. In fact, I feel pretty dumb a lot of the time. I also used to think I was a good writer, but a combination of law school exams, lack of regular practice, and lack of positive reinforcement have shaken my faith in that area too.
On some level, I know that I'm partly the same girl I was before. I mean, just going to law school doesn't erase my history or my education or that thing inside me that I KNOW must still be there. But I'm doubting myself intellectually for the first time in my life. Here, in this world, my brains are not good enough, which makes me wonder if they were good enough to begin with.
Basically, what it comes down to is that I'm scared. I'm not sure where I'm going or what to do, I don't know if I'm good enough for the legal world, and I'm doubting one of the only things I have consistently had faith in about myself.
So where do I go from here?