DIVISION FIC :: "Ghost Stories :: Track 6" [CD/Jinny, PG13-NC17]
INDEX & DISCLAIMER INFO { DW || LJ }
Track Six: "Blind Man"
"But I am constantly waiting
I'm looking for your soul
I am constantly praying
I've come looking for you, looking for you"
++CD++
"Hey, CD?"
Glancing up at the now far more familiar voice, I smile at Casey Exstead. "Hey, Casey. Going to see your sister this weekend?"
His face lights up with that same lopsided grin that I've come to find to so damned cute on his sister. God, I'm pathetic. My disgust with myself must register on my face because his grin shifts to confusion.
"I decided to do that weekend intensive retreat thing for family and friends," he says, glancing around the bull pen. "You know, the one you told me about? I was wondering if you'd done it yet."
Chuckling ruefully at the subterfuge we have to deal with, I feel my self-disgust fade into the background. "Yeah, I was planning on doing that this weekend. I'd done it before, when I was checking out Camp Recovery, you know, before the intervention. But I think it's a good idea to redo it, now that there's actually a reason for it to mean something."
Something flashes in his eyes at that, and I belatedly realize that I've probably said too much for this far too perceptive and protective brother of Jinny's. Damn it! But, in the space between one breath and the next, he just smiles knowingly and nods, as if a piece of the puzzle has dropped into place.
"Listen, I know this is gonna sound weird, but are you free to grab a bite?"
To anyone else, that probably sounds like a shy attempt at a first date. But I'm not anyone else, and I think we both know exactly what he's doing by asking me. Without hesitation, I save the file I'm working on and lock my computer. I'm pretty much on my own to catch up on paperwork today. Nate's off doing some sort of weird departmental shift meeting, and Magda's out because Ben's sick.
"Give me a sec to let McCafferty know, then we can go, okay?" He nods and moves to sit at Jinny's desk as I head toward the captain's office. The door's open, so I rap my knuckles on it and lean against the frame. "Hey, Captain, I'm gonna head to lunch with Jinny's brother to discuss the weekend program up at Camp Recovery. You need me to bring you back anything?"
"Is that this weekend already?" she asks, glancing at her calendar. "Wait, I thought she was supposed to get out this weekend?"
"No, that got pushed back, thanks to the crap Teddy pulled the weekend before last. She told me on Sunday that she's not getting out for another week or two."
She nods and jots something down on her calendar, then glances up at me again from over the rim of her glasses. "Is Magda going? Or the rest of Jinny's family?"
"No, it's just me and Casey. Magda was going to go, but she had to cancel since Ben's gotten so sick."
Some emotion flits across her face far too quickly for me to do decipher it, and she nods again. "I'm really impressed with your dedication to making sure Jinny's recovery is a success, CD. Come find me when you get back from lunch, okay? I need to go over a few things with you."
"No problem. So that's a no on lunch, then?"
"Amanda," is all she says, lips pursing distastefully. It's all I can do not to laugh. "What I wouldn't give for a nice thick steak right now, medium rare and a little bloody."
+++++
The walk to Antonio's is a quiet battle against the insane winds that have been plaguing us this whole week. We get a corner booth pretty quickly, thanks to a surprisingly slow lunch rush. Once our meals are ordered and we're alone at the table, Casey fidgets slightly. Part of me wants to ask him what he wanted to talk about in private, and part of me just wants to soak in the energy so similar to Jinny's.
"So, it was good to see you at Visitor's Day last weekend," he finally says with a sheepish grin. "I know it means a lot to Jinny to have some time with friendly faces."
"I'm surprised you got to go," I reply. "I mean, with having this whole weekend off for the program and all."
"Yeah, I'm not exactly sure how that happened, but I have a sneaking suspicion that your captain put in a good word for me."
That makes me smile. "I told you that she really does care about Jinny. And yes, I know that Jinny still doesn't quite believe that, but it's okay. She'll figure it out eventually." I pause for a long drink from my water, relishing the tartness of the lemon. "So are we still going up in my Durango? Or did you want to take separate cars?"
"Nah, we can take your beast of a truck," he says with a cocky grin. "I'm kinda curious how it handles."
"Not a problem at all. I like showing him off."
That earns me a laugh, and I'm reminded again of the similarities between Jinny and her younger brother. How the hell they're related to that jackass John still boggles my mind.
"So, can I ask you a question, CD?" When I nod, he continues. "If you've done this weekend program already, why are you doing it again?"
"I guess because there's more at stake now," I finally say, indecision weighing heavily on me as to my specific reasons for repeating the program. "Before, I was just checking out the facility, and I had to leave early anyway because a case came up." Casey nods slowly and studies his water glass for a long moment. "Look, I know there's something you want to know, so just ask, okay?"
He grins sheepishly and rubs at the back of his neck. "Okay, so I'm not trying to be a snoop or offensive, but I gotta know why you're so damned into Jinny and her recovery. I mean, Magda's her partner, not you."
And there it is. How the fuck am I supposed to answer that question? I want to tell him why, but I'm not sure what kind of reaction he'll have. But I suppose it's better to know now than during this weekend program. Taking a deep breath, I decide to bite the bullet.
"Because I care about her, Casey."
"As a friend?" he asks, hazel eyes so like his sister's boring into mine. "Or something more?"
"Yes."
I don't realize that I'm holding my breath against his answer until he blows out a heavy breath of his own. "Wow! I, um… Does Jin know about this?"
"Kind of," I reply truthfully. "I mean, we've kind of danced around the elephant in the room on the phone a few times. And it's not like I could just announce it without any hesitation in front of everyone at Visitor's Day last weekend, and I certainly wasn't going to say anything in front of Magda two weekends ago." His eyes narrow slightly. "And before you ask, she suspects something is going on and has already given me the speech about killing me if I hurt Jinny, so you don't have to. I mean, unless you have a fun and different way of threatening my life over your sister's happiness and recovery."
He laughs at that, but doesn't say anything again until after the waiter delivers our food and leaves again. "I suppose I could try, but I've got a feeling Magda's far more inventive and frightening in her threats than I would be."
"Yeah, you really don't want that little firecracker pissed at you," I reply with a smirk. "Trust me."
Silence settles around us as we start to eat our food. It's not uncomfortable, but I can totally see the wheels turning in Casey's head as he tries to wrap his brain around what I've just verified for him. And then I realize that it didn't feel nearly as scary as I'd expected to tell him, to be honest about this with someone else. Even if he doesn't know everything, he knows what's important, which is that I care about his sister.
"So, CD, are you sure this is the best thing for the two of you right now?" he finally asks after several moments have passed. "Isn't this gonna make her recovery more difficult?"
"Honestly, Casey, if I could tell myself to back off until she's fully on the road to recovery, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but--" I bite my lower lip at the rush of feelings wrapping tight bands around my heart.
"It's okay," he says in a gentle tone, reaching across the table to grip my hand. "We'll talk to Jinny and Mac about it this weekend, okay?"
A surge of emotion shocks down my spine at the thought of fully admitting my feelings to both Jinny and her shrink. "That's not what this weekend's about."
"Yeah, it is. It's a time for Jinny's family to come together and support her in her recovery, and plan on how to keep doing that once she's back out in the real world. Whatever this is between the two of you needs to be brought out in the open, so to speak, so you two can plan on how to deal with it. I want my sister happy, too, and if that's with you, then I'm gonna support you both a hundred and fifty percent. Jinny deserves to be happy, CD, and if you can do that for her, then just do it."
"What about your dad? Your brother?"
"You leave them to me. I'm working on it. I think I can turn Dad around, but John's just a fucking small-minded idiot and a bully. He's the one we'll have to be strong against for Jinny."
I can hear the heavily implied bigot that he won't say out loud when discussing his older brother. I can't blame him for not saying it either. John was horrible to him when he finally came out to the family, and to Jinny at her intervention.
"You're a good guy, Casey Exstead," I reply, "and a great brother. Remind me never to get on your bad side either, okay?"
++Kaitlyn McCafferty++
"You wanted to see me?"
CD is casually leaning against the doorframe when I gratefully tear my eyes away from the report I've been reading. There's a gleam in her blue eyes that wasn't there when she left for lunch, and she looks like part of the weight on her shoulders has been removed. Good for her. She deserves a little happiness in her life.
"Come in and close the door," I say, marking my spot in the report before setting it aside.
She pushes upright, then turns to close the door behind her. As she shifts back around to drop into the seat in front of my desk, I can see the bag in her hand. A saucy grin spreads across Cd's face as she drops it on my desk.
"Thought I'd make your day a little brighter," she says, gesturing for me to open it. "And if Amanda finds out, you can blame it on me. She'll probably forgive you then."
That makes me laugh, the sound morphing into a far too intimate moan when I open the takeout container to find veal parmesan. How terrible is it of me to nearly orgasm right here from the sight of food?
"It's not the bloody steak you mentioned, but I thought this would be a good compromise."
"Oh, this is more than a good compromise," I say, closing the container to set it aside for later. "This will be lovely once we're done talking."
"Later? Dig in, Captain!"
"But--"
"Quiet that growling belly, then we'll talk." There's that gleam again in her eyes, but it's marred by a hint of fear. "Seriously, I'm caught up on my reports. I'm bored out there."
Winking my thanks, I practically inhale the entire meal. Is it wrong that I swear my body is betraying me enough to maybe offer a tiny flutter of an orgasm with the first bite of red meat that I've had in months? Dear God, I hope CD doesn't realize what the hell she's started here. I only start feeling the guilt once the entire meal is consumed, but my sated belly is drowning out the guilt. Gum and coffee will go a long way to covering this indiscretion in my daughter's eyes.
"So…"
"Wait. Was it good?"
I glare at CD, resisting the urge to mirror her impish grin. "I practically ate the styrofoam container, Candace. What do you think?" Her riotous laughter is infectious.
"So what did you want to talk to me about?"
And with those words, the levity in the room begins to fade.
"You're going to that weekend retreat with Casey, right?" When she nods, I continue. "How is Jinny doing? Is she going to be ready to come back to work when they let her out?"
"I think she will. She's been doing really well. We talk on the phone almost every night now." She pauses then, looking almost like she's swallowed a bug. Panic flares brightly in her eyes. "Well, when she can't get in touch with Casey or Magda, I mean."
That makes me even more curious, and I decide to just be blunt and dive right in. "CD, we've known each other for a long time now. I'd like to think that we've got a good level of trust between us."
"Yes, ma'am."
She's gone formal. Oh dear, what landmine have I suddenly stepped on?
"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Spit it out, CD," I say, perhaps a little too forcefully, and bite back a sigh when she flinches. "What's got you so introspective lately? Is Paul causing issues?"
She laughs at that, a brittle sound that grates on my nerves. "Paul is the least of my worries right now. I just…"
"Are you and Casey Exstead--"
"No! Not Casey." Again with that odd gleam in her eyes. She worries at her lower lip for a moment, staring down at her hands in her lap. "It's Jinny," she finally says, so softly I almost don't hear it.
"Jinny? I'm not sure I understand."
She's quickly on her feet, pacing the room and raking a hand through her hair. She looks like a trapped tiger in a cage. I lean back in my chair, fingers steepled in front of me, and watch her for a long moment. And then it hits me.
"CD, is this going to affect your working relationship with her?"
That stops her in her tracks, and she turns a fearful face to me. "No. No, I don't think so. I don't know." And she resumes her pacing.
"Sit down, CD." She hesitates, but does as I request, hands now fidgeting in her lap. "Talk to me. Tell me what's going on. Forget I'm your boss for a few minutes and just talk."
++Jinny++
"Casey! CD! What're you guys doing here?"
Casey envelops me in a tight hug. "We came to do that weekend program for the families. I know we're a little late for it, but better late than never, right?"
Shyly glancing at CD over his shoulder, I smile. "Right. Glad you could both come."
"Magda sends her love," CD says with a smile, "but Ben's still pretty bad with that flu bug he got. She almost had to take him to the ER for his fever yesterday." She digs into the bag on her shoulder and pulls out a manila envelope. "Ben wanted me to give this to you, and to tell you how much he misses you."
There's this little jolt when I take the envelope from her, and a thrill shoots down my spine. I do my best to ignore it, especially in front of Casey, and hope that I'm not blushing too hard. This is just so damned weird! But I distract myself with the sheaf of papers that all have Benny's distinctive drawing style covering them.
+++++
"Hey, Jin, I heard Mac say that you've got free time now, and we just finished the latest family expectations seminar, so I was wondering if there was somewhere you and I can go talk for a little bit? Maybe out by the pond?"
Her question startles me out of my contemplation of the crossword puzzle I've been working on. She grins shyly at me, hands stuffed into her pockets. Glancing quickly at the door, I can see Mac standing there, talking to Casey, but both pause to smile at me.
"Yeah, we can do that. Let me take this back to my room, then I'll be right back."
She nods and follows me back as far as where Casey and Mac are standing. Grinning at my brother, I slip past them and practically run to my room. I toss the puzzle book and my pencil into my closet, grabbing for my warm hoodie. Time alone to talk to CD. What are we going to talk about that we haven't already talked about on the phone or at Visitor's Day?
Oh, duh…
Taking a deep breath, I force myself to walk back down the hall toward the commons room. I can hear them all talking as I come closer. Seems like Casey is going to go have a little chat with Mac while CD and I go have our talk. I'm so glad that he's here, too. It's so strange to know that there really are people that care about me, and want the best for me. What's even stranger is that they actually show, and even tell, me that they do. This whole sober thing is really weird.
"So, Jinny, CD says that you two are going to watch the swans for a little while before dinner. Casey wanted to talk about some possibilities about getting your father and older brother onboard with supporting your recovery. When you come in for dinner, come find us, and we'll all eat together."
"Thanks, Mac," I say, then turn to hug Casey. "Thank you, too, Case. But don't expect Dad or John to come around too easily. If they haven't by now, they probably never will."
"Can't hurt to try, right?" he asks, always the optimist.
"No, it can't." I turn to face CD, suddenly just a little shy.
Casey squeezes my shoulder, giving me just enough of a boost of courage to shake off my temporary paralysis. I reach for Cd's hand, almost giddy when she takes it, and lead her out toward the pond. We walk at a leisurely pace, just enjoying the crisp late fall weather. Won't be long now until all of the Christmas hype will be in full swing. What am I saying? Thanksgiving was last weekend. It's all Christmas all the time now. And I'll be getting out close to the big day. I have nothing for gifts for anyone. Maybe my sobriety will be my gift. I only hope it'll be enough…
"Those swans are so beautiful," CD says as we sit down on the bench.
"Yeah, I'm really gonna miss them when I get outta here. They've been such a calming thing for me."
"Maybe we can find some swans at the zoo or something?"
I nod slowly, already positive that they won't be the same, but I appreciate the gesture for what it is. I take a deep breath and turn to study CD for a moment. "So you said you needed to talk about something?"
"Yeah." She goes quiet for a moment, but I can see the emotions flitting through her eyes: fear, resolve, something else I can't quite name. Or maybe I don't want to. "So, um, there's something I need to tell you. Casey's already said that if I don't do it myself, he will. And both Magda and McCafferty will kill me if I don't either."
"Am I out of a job?" I ask, stomach dropping. "And McCafferty can't do it herself? What the hell?"
"No! You've still got a job. That's not it at all. Damn it, I knew I was gonna screw this up!"
"So what is it?"
She closes her eyes and takes a couple of deep breaths before she turns those beautiful blue eyes on me again. She hesitantly lifts her hand, then drops it into her lap again. Without thought, I reach over and grab that hand in mine, gripping it tightly.
"I don't know why this is so hard!" she grumbles to herself, thumb stroking across my knuckles.
"Just say it, CD. You're freaking me out."
She grins sheepishly and rakes her other hand through her hair. "Okay, I'm just gonna say it. I'm not sure how it happened or when it started, but it did. I think I might have fallen for you, Jinny."
Okay, my whole world just dropped out from under me. Did CD just say what I think she said? Does she feel like I do? Oh fuck, what do I do now?
"No, that's a lie," she says suddenly, and I just want to cry. "I don't think anything. I know I've fallen for you."
Before I realize I'm doing it, I smack her in the arm with my free hand. "Don't you scare me like that, Candace DeLorenzo!"
"I'm sorry. I just keep fucking this up."
"No, you're not. You're just nervous, and it's kinda cute when you're like that."
She screws up her face in distaste, but it doesn't hide the faint blush coloring her cheeks. "Cute? Seriously?" But there's a definite note of amusement in her tone.
"Yes, cute. Can I not call you cute?"
She grins and shrugs. "Dunno. Those could be fighting words, you know."
I study her for a moment, just taking in the look on her face. And then I take a deep breath and plunge in with both feet. "Would it make any difference to know that I feel the same way about you?"
"You do?" She seems both surprised and relieved at the same time. When I nod, she tugs me closer into a hug that I gladly return, even if it means letting go of her hand to do it. "Oh god, I was so worried that you'd say you didn't feel like this."
"Seriously? Did you not know that I've talked to you more in the last two weeks than anyone else? I've used almost all of my phone time to talk to you instead of Magda or my brother."
"I didn't know that," she says softly, face lighting up in delight. "But now I understand why Mag kept giving me weird looks when I'd mention talking to you. I'd just assumed… So, where do we go from here?"
I shake my head and pull back to meet her gaze again. "I don't know. They drill not getting into relationships too early into recovery around here, but…" The sadness in her eyes is like a knife to my chest. "But at least you're not another addict, right? And I'm pretty sure you wouldn't try to entice me back to the dark side."
"Don't joke like that."
She gets to her feet and starts walking toward the pond. I feel cold without her presence next to me. And I can't miss the defeated slump to her shoulders. Jumping to my feet, I quickly catch up to her and grab her hand, turning her around to face me again.
"Okay, all joking aside, I don't know what to do at this point. You've been a fantasy of mine for more years than I care to admit, CD. Finding out that you feel the same way I do is kind of freaking me out. I need some time to figure this out. Mac's gonna give me a whole mess of shit when she finds out about this."
"So maybe we shouldn't mention it in the session with her?"
"Oh no, you don't understand. She knows all about my feelings for you. That's been a huge part of my therapy while I've been here."
"Really?" Oh man, she looks so adorable with that deer in the headlights look on her face.
"Yeah," I reply sheepishly, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "She'll probably be thrilled to find out that you feel the same way. And she'll have all sorts of rules for how we should proceed." I pause to take a deep breath, trying to calm the pounding of my heart. "I need some time to process this, CD. Can you give me until tomorrow morning?"
And then this really serious look fills her eyes. "Whatever it takes, no matter how long it takes, I'll do it. You and your recovery come first, Jinny, no matter how much I may want other things to happen."
"Wow."
What an inane thing to say! But I have to wonder. Is this what love is supposed to be like? Is this what I've been missing all this time? And not just with CD either.
"You okay?" she asks, eyebrows furrowed in worry, and reaches up to cup my cheek.
"You know, normally I'd be running for the nearest bottle of booze right now," I say, leaning into her hand. "Nobody's ever treated me like this before, CD, and it really does kind of freak me out. But I don't think I want a drink. I think I'd rather deal with this, instead of running away from it like I usually do."
"I'm glad to hear that," she says with a smile. "And I was serious about giving you all the time you need. I don't care how long it takes, I'll still be here."
I return her smile and shift to press a kiss into her palm.
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Track Six: "Blind Man"
"But I am constantly waiting
I'm looking for your soul
I am constantly praying
I've come looking for you, looking for you"
++CD++
"Hey, CD?"
Glancing up at the now far more familiar voice, I smile at Casey Exstead. "Hey, Casey. Going to see your sister this weekend?"
His face lights up with that same lopsided grin that I've come to find to so damned cute on his sister. God, I'm pathetic. My disgust with myself must register on my face because his grin shifts to confusion.
"I decided to do that weekend intensive retreat thing for family and friends," he says, glancing around the bull pen. "You know, the one you told me about? I was wondering if you'd done it yet."
Chuckling ruefully at the subterfuge we have to deal with, I feel my self-disgust fade into the background. "Yeah, I was planning on doing that this weekend. I'd done it before, when I was checking out Camp Recovery, you know, before the intervention. But I think it's a good idea to redo it, now that there's actually a reason for it to mean something."
Something flashes in his eyes at that, and I belatedly realize that I've probably said too much for this far too perceptive and protective brother of Jinny's. Damn it! But, in the space between one breath and the next, he just smiles knowingly and nods, as if a piece of the puzzle has dropped into place.
"Listen, I know this is gonna sound weird, but are you free to grab a bite?"
To anyone else, that probably sounds like a shy attempt at a first date. But I'm not anyone else, and I think we both know exactly what he's doing by asking me. Without hesitation, I save the file I'm working on and lock my computer. I'm pretty much on my own to catch up on paperwork today. Nate's off doing some sort of weird departmental shift meeting, and Magda's out because Ben's sick.
"Give me a sec to let McCafferty know, then we can go, okay?" He nods and moves to sit at Jinny's desk as I head toward the captain's office. The door's open, so I rap my knuckles on it and lean against the frame. "Hey, Captain, I'm gonna head to lunch with Jinny's brother to discuss the weekend program up at Camp Recovery. You need me to bring you back anything?"
"Is that this weekend already?" she asks, glancing at her calendar. "Wait, I thought she was supposed to get out this weekend?"
"No, that got pushed back, thanks to the crap Teddy pulled the weekend before last. She told me on Sunday that she's not getting out for another week or two."
She nods and jots something down on her calendar, then glances up at me again from over the rim of her glasses. "Is Magda going? Or the rest of Jinny's family?"
"No, it's just me and Casey. Magda was going to go, but she had to cancel since Ben's gotten so sick."
Some emotion flits across her face far too quickly for me to do decipher it, and she nods again. "I'm really impressed with your dedication to making sure Jinny's recovery is a success, CD. Come find me when you get back from lunch, okay? I need to go over a few things with you."
"No problem. So that's a no on lunch, then?"
"Amanda," is all she says, lips pursing distastefully. It's all I can do not to laugh. "What I wouldn't give for a nice thick steak right now, medium rare and a little bloody."
+++++
The walk to Antonio's is a quiet battle against the insane winds that have been plaguing us this whole week. We get a corner booth pretty quickly, thanks to a surprisingly slow lunch rush. Once our meals are ordered and we're alone at the table, Casey fidgets slightly. Part of me wants to ask him what he wanted to talk about in private, and part of me just wants to soak in the energy so similar to Jinny's.
"So, it was good to see you at Visitor's Day last weekend," he finally says with a sheepish grin. "I know it means a lot to Jinny to have some time with friendly faces."
"I'm surprised you got to go," I reply. "I mean, with having this whole weekend off for the program and all."
"Yeah, I'm not exactly sure how that happened, but I have a sneaking suspicion that your captain put in a good word for me."
That makes me smile. "I told you that she really does care about Jinny. And yes, I know that Jinny still doesn't quite believe that, but it's okay. She'll figure it out eventually." I pause for a long drink from my water, relishing the tartness of the lemon. "So are we still going up in my Durango? Or did you want to take separate cars?"
"Nah, we can take your beast of a truck," he says with a cocky grin. "I'm kinda curious how it handles."
"Not a problem at all. I like showing him off."
That earns me a laugh, and I'm reminded again of the similarities between Jinny and her younger brother. How the hell they're related to that jackass John still boggles my mind.
"So, can I ask you a question, CD?" When I nod, he continues. "If you've done this weekend program already, why are you doing it again?"
"I guess because there's more at stake now," I finally say, indecision weighing heavily on me as to my specific reasons for repeating the program. "Before, I was just checking out the facility, and I had to leave early anyway because a case came up." Casey nods slowly and studies his water glass for a long moment. "Look, I know there's something you want to know, so just ask, okay?"
He grins sheepishly and rubs at the back of his neck. "Okay, so I'm not trying to be a snoop or offensive, but I gotta know why you're so damned into Jinny and her recovery. I mean, Magda's her partner, not you."
And there it is. How the fuck am I supposed to answer that question? I want to tell him why, but I'm not sure what kind of reaction he'll have. But I suppose it's better to know now than during this weekend program. Taking a deep breath, I decide to bite the bullet.
"Because I care about her, Casey."
"As a friend?" he asks, hazel eyes so like his sister's boring into mine. "Or something more?"
"Yes."
I don't realize that I'm holding my breath against his answer until he blows out a heavy breath of his own. "Wow! I, um… Does Jin know about this?"
"Kind of," I reply truthfully. "I mean, we've kind of danced around the elephant in the room on the phone a few times. And it's not like I could just announce it without any hesitation in front of everyone at Visitor's Day last weekend, and I certainly wasn't going to say anything in front of Magda two weekends ago." His eyes narrow slightly. "And before you ask, she suspects something is going on and has already given me the speech about killing me if I hurt Jinny, so you don't have to. I mean, unless you have a fun and different way of threatening my life over your sister's happiness and recovery."
He laughs at that, but doesn't say anything again until after the waiter delivers our food and leaves again. "I suppose I could try, but I've got a feeling Magda's far more inventive and frightening in her threats than I would be."
"Yeah, you really don't want that little firecracker pissed at you," I reply with a smirk. "Trust me."
Silence settles around us as we start to eat our food. It's not uncomfortable, but I can totally see the wheels turning in Casey's head as he tries to wrap his brain around what I've just verified for him. And then I realize that it didn't feel nearly as scary as I'd expected to tell him, to be honest about this with someone else. Even if he doesn't know everything, he knows what's important, which is that I care about his sister.
"So, CD, are you sure this is the best thing for the two of you right now?" he finally asks after several moments have passed. "Isn't this gonna make her recovery more difficult?"
"Honestly, Casey, if I could tell myself to back off until she's fully on the road to recovery, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but--" I bite my lower lip at the rush of feelings wrapping tight bands around my heart.
"It's okay," he says in a gentle tone, reaching across the table to grip my hand. "We'll talk to Jinny and Mac about it this weekend, okay?"
A surge of emotion shocks down my spine at the thought of fully admitting my feelings to both Jinny and her shrink. "That's not what this weekend's about."
"Yeah, it is. It's a time for Jinny's family to come together and support her in her recovery, and plan on how to keep doing that once she's back out in the real world. Whatever this is between the two of you needs to be brought out in the open, so to speak, so you two can plan on how to deal with it. I want my sister happy, too, and if that's with you, then I'm gonna support you both a hundred and fifty percent. Jinny deserves to be happy, CD, and if you can do that for her, then just do it."
"What about your dad? Your brother?"
"You leave them to me. I'm working on it. I think I can turn Dad around, but John's just a fucking small-minded idiot and a bully. He's the one we'll have to be strong against for Jinny."
I can hear the heavily implied bigot that he won't say out loud when discussing his older brother. I can't blame him for not saying it either. John was horrible to him when he finally came out to the family, and to Jinny at her intervention.
"You're a good guy, Casey Exstead," I reply, "and a great brother. Remind me never to get on your bad side either, okay?"
++Kaitlyn McCafferty++
"You wanted to see me?"
CD is casually leaning against the doorframe when I gratefully tear my eyes away from the report I've been reading. There's a gleam in her blue eyes that wasn't there when she left for lunch, and she looks like part of the weight on her shoulders has been removed. Good for her. She deserves a little happiness in her life.
"Come in and close the door," I say, marking my spot in the report before setting it aside.
She pushes upright, then turns to close the door behind her. As she shifts back around to drop into the seat in front of my desk, I can see the bag in her hand. A saucy grin spreads across Cd's face as she drops it on my desk.
"Thought I'd make your day a little brighter," she says, gesturing for me to open it. "And if Amanda finds out, you can blame it on me. She'll probably forgive you then."
That makes me laugh, the sound morphing into a far too intimate moan when I open the takeout container to find veal parmesan. How terrible is it of me to nearly orgasm right here from the sight of food?
"It's not the bloody steak you mentioned, but I thought this would be a good compromise."
"Oh, this is more than a good compromise," I say, closing the container to set it aside for later. "This will be lovely once we're done talking."
"Later? Dig in, Captain!"
"But--"
"Quiet that growling belly, then we'll talk." There's that gleam again in her eyes, but it's marred by a hint of fear. "Seriously, I'm caught up on my reports. I'm bored out there."
Winking my thanks, I practically inhale the entire meal. Is it wrong that I swear my body is betraying me enough to maybe offer a tiny flutter of an orgasm with the first bite of red meat that I've had in months? Dear God, I hope CD doesn't realize what the hell she's started here. I only start feeling the guilt once the entire meal is consumed, but my sated belly is drowning out the guilt. Gum and coffee will go a long way to covering this indiscretion in my daughter's eyes.
"So…"
"Wait. Was it good?"
I glare at CD, resisting the urge to mirror her impish grin. "I practically ate the styrofoam container, Candace. What do you think?" Her riotous laughter is infectious.
"So what did you want to talk to me about?"
And with those words, the levity in the room begins to fade.
"You're going to that weekend retreat with Casey, right?" When she nods, I continue. "How is Jinny doing? Is she going to be ready to come back to work when they let her out?"
"I think she will. She's been doing really well. We talk on the phone almost every night now." She pauses then, looking almost like she's swallowed a bug. Panic flares brightly in her eyes. "Well, when she can't get in touch with Casey or Magda, I mean."
That makes me even more curious, and I decide to just be blunt and dive right in. "CD, we've known each other for a long time now. I'd like to think that we've got a good level of trust between us."
"Yes, ma'am."
She's gone formal. Oh dear, what landmine have I suddenly stepped on?
"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Spit it out, CD," I say, perhaps a little too forcefully, and bite back a sigh when she flinches. "What's got you so introspective lately? Is Paul causing issues?"
She laughs at that, a brittle sound that grates on my nerves. "Paul is the least of my worries right now. I just…"
"Are you and Casey Exstead--"
"No! Not Casey." Again with that odd gleam in her eyes. She worries at her lower lip for a moment, staring down at her hands in her lap. "It's Jinny," she finally says, so softly I almost don't hear it.
"Jinny? I'm not sure I understand."
She's quickly on her feet, pacing the room and raking a hand through her hair. She looks like a trapped tiger in a cage. I lean back in my chair, fingers steepled in front of me, and watch her for a long moment. And then it hits me.
"CD, is this going to affect your working relationship with her?"
That stops her in her tracks, and she turns a fearful face to me. "No. No, I don't think so. I don't know." And she resumes her pacing.
"Sit down, CD." She hesitates, but does as I request, hands now fidgeting in her lap. "Talk to me. Tell me what's going on. Forget I'm your boss for a few minutes and just talk."
++Jinny++
"Casey! CD! What're you guys doing here?"
Casey envelops me in a tight hug. "We came to do that weekend program for the families. I know we're a little late for it, but better late than never, right?"
Shyly glancing at CD over his shoulder, I smile. "Right. Glad you could both come."
"Magda sends her love," CD says with a smile, "but Ben's still pretty bad with that flu bug he got. She almost had to take him to the ER for his fever yesterday." She digs into the bag on her shoulder and pulls out a manila envelope. "Ben wanted me to give this to you, and to tell you how much he misses you."
There's this little jolt when I take the envelope from her, and a thrill shoots down my spine. I do my best to ignore it, especially in front of Casey, and hope that I'm not blushing too hard. This is just so damned weird! But I distract myself with the sheaf of papers that all have Benny's distinctive drawing style covering them.
+++++
"Hey, Jin, I heard Mac say that you've got free time now, and we just finished the latest family expectations seminar, so I was wondering if there was somewhere you and I can go talk for a little bit? Maybe out by the pond?"
Her question startles me out of my contemplation of the crossword puzzle I've been working on. She grins shyly at me, hands stuffed into her pockets. Glancing quickly at the door, I can see Mac standing there, talking to Casey, but both pause to smile at me.
"Yeah, we can do that. Let me take this back to my room, then I'll be right back."
She nods and follows me back as far as where Casey and Mac are standing. Grinning at my brother, I slip past them and practically run to my room. I toss the puzzle book and my pencil into my closet, grabbing for my warm hoodie. Time alone to talk to CD. What are we going to talk about that we haven't already talked about on the phone or at Visitor's Day?
Oh, duh…
Taking a deep breath, I force myself to walk back down the hall toward the commons room. I can hear them all talking as I come closer. Seems like Casey is going to go have a little chat with Mac while CD and I go have our talk. I'm so glad that he's here, too. It's so strange to know that there really are people that care about me, and want the best for me. What's even stranger is that they actually show, and even tell, me that they do. This whole sober thing is really weird.
"So, Jinny, CD says that you two are going to watch the swans for a little while before dinner. Casey wanted to talk about some possibilities about getting your father and older brother onboard with supporting your recovery. When you come in for dinner, come find us, and we'll all eat together."
"Thanks, Mac," I say, then turn to hug Casey. "Thank you, too, Case. But don't expect Dad or John to come around too easily. If they haven't by now, they probably never will."
"Can't hurt to try, right?" he asks, always the optimist.
"No, it can't." I turn to face CD, suddenly just a little shy.
Casey squeezes my shoulder, giving me just enough of a boost of courage to shake off my temporary paralysis. I reach for Cd's hand, almost giddy when she takes it, and lead her out toward the pond. We walk at a leisurely pace, just enjoying the crisp late fall weather. Won't be long now until all of the Christmas hype will be in full swing. What am I saying? Thanksgiving was last weekend. It's all Christmas all the time now. And I'll be getting out close to the big day. I have nothing for gifts for anyone. Maybe my sobriety will be my gift. I only hope it'll be enough…
"Those swans are so beautiful," CD says as we sit down on the bench.
"Yeah, I'm really gonna miss them when I get outta here. They've been such a calming thing for me."
"Maybe we can find some swans at the zoo or something?"
I nod slowly, already positive that they won't be the same, but I appreciate the gesture for what it is. I take a deep breath and turn to study CD for a moment. "So you said you needed to talk about something?"
"Yeah." She goes quiet for a moment, but I can see the emotions flitting through her eyes: fear, resolve, something else I can't quite name. Or maybe I don't want to. "So, um, there's something I need to tell you. Casey's already said that if I don't do it myself, he will. And both Magda and McCafferty will kill me if I don't either."
"Am I out of a job?" I ask, stomach dropping. "And McCafferty can't do it herself? What the hell?"
"No! You've still got a job. That's not it at all. Damn it, I knew I was gonna screw this up!"
"So what is it?"
She closes her eyes and takes a couple of deep breaths before she turns those beautiful blue eyes on me again. She hesitantly lifts her hand, then drops it into her lap again. Without thought, I reach over and grab that hand in mine, gripping it tightly.
"I don't know why this is so hard!" she grumbles to herself, thumb stroking across my knuckles.
"Just say it, CD. You're freaking me out."
She grins sheepishly and rakes her other hand through her hair. "Okay, I'm just gonna say it. I'm not sure how it happened or when it started, but it did. I think I might have fallen for you, Jinny."
Okay, my whole world just dropped out from under me. Did CD just say what I think she said? Does she feel like I do? Oh fuck, what do I do now?
"No, that's a lie," she says suddenly, and I just want to cry. "I don't think anything. I know I've fallen for you."
Before I realize I'm doing it, I smack her in the arm with my free hand. "Don't you scare me like that, Candace DeLorenzo!"
"I'm sorry. I just keep fucking this up."
"No, you're not. You're just nervous, and it's kinda cute when you're like that."
She screws up her face in distaste, but it doesn't hide the faint blush coloring her cheeks. "Cute? Seriously?" But there's a definite note of amusement in her tone.
"Yes, cute. Can I not call you cute?"
She grins and shrugs. "Dunno. Those could be fighting words, you know."
I study her for a moment, just taking in the look on her face. And then I take a deep breath and plunge in with both feet. "Would it make any difference to know that I feel the same way about you?"
"You do?" She seems both surprised and relieved at the same time. When I nod, she tugs me closer into a hug that I gladly return, even if it means letting go of her hand to do it. "Oh god, I was so worried that you'd say you didn't feel like this."
"Seriously? Did you not know that I've talked to you more in the last two weeks than anyone else? I've used almost all of my phone time to talk to you instead of Magda or my brother."
"I didn't know that," she says softly, face lighting up in delight. "But now I understand why Mag kept giving me weird looks when I'd mention talking to you. I'd just assumed… So, where do we go from here?"
I shake my head and pull back to meet her gaze again. "I don't know. They drill not getting into relationships too early into recovery around here, but…" The sadness in her eyes is like a knife to my chest. "But at least you're not another addict, right? And I'm pretty sure you wouldn't try to entice me back to the dark side."
"Don't joke like that."
She gets to her feet and starts walking toward the pond. I feel cold without her presence next to me. And I can't miss the defeated slump to her shoulders. Jumping to my feet, I quickly catch up to her and grab her hand, turning her around to face me again.
"Okay, all joking aside, I don't know what to do at this point. You've been a fantasy of mine for more years than I care to admit, CD. Finding out that you feel the same way I do is kind of freaking me out. I need some time to figure this out. Mac's gonna give me a whole mess of shit when she finds out about this."
"So maybe we shouldn't mention it in the session with her?"
"Oh no, you don't understand. She knows all about my feelings for you. That's been a huge part of my therapy while I've been here."
"Really?" Oh man, she looks so adorable with that deer in the headlights look on her face.
"Yeah," I reply sheepishly, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "She'll probably be thrilled to find out that you feel the same way. And she'll have all sorts of rules for how we should proceed." I pause to take a deep breath, trying to calm the pounding of my heart. "I need some time to process this, CD. Can you give me until tomorrow morning?"
And then this really serious look fills her eyes. "Whatever it takes, no matter how long it takes, I'll do it. You and your recovery come first, Jinny, no matter how much I may want other things to happen."
"Wow."
What an inane thing to say! But I have to wonder. Is this what love is supposed to be like? Is this what I've been missing all this time? And not just with CD either.
"You okay?" she asks, eyebrows furrowed in worry, and reaches up to cup my cheek.
"You know, normally I'd be running for the nearest bottle of booze right now," I say, leaning into her hand. "Nobody's ever treated me like this before, CD, and it really does kind of freak me out. But I don't think I want a drink. I think I'd rather deal with this, instead of running away from it like I usually do."
"I'm glad to hear that," she says with a smile. "And I was serious about giving you all the time you need. I don't care how long it takes, I'll still be here."
I return her smile and shift to press a kiss into her palm.
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