Rollercoasters
So today is like the polar opposite of yesterday for me.
I'm trying to not to seem too Bi-polar here, but yesterday I was so unhappy. I was depressed for many reasons, weird situations have been abounding. Dave finally spoke to me again, I'm not sure how to feel about that, and my parents have been fighting alot lately.
All of these things just served to make me feel a bit on edge when I went to family dinner last night. When Andy came in and acted like I wasn't even there, I was in a really bad mood. I don't believe I did anything to offend him. Maybe I just won't attend sunday dinners for a while. It's just not enjoyable when I have to constantly deal with someone who can't seem to settle on a personality. Being mocked and belittled is one thing I endure for the sake of family relations, but being made to feel like I'm not welcome on top of it? I don't even know why I let him treat me like this. We are not children on a playground.
ANYWAY... Today I'm feeling pretty good. I came to some realizations last night that I'm really proud of. Usually I'm aware of what kind of screwed up things can go on in my head, and so I often assume that the knowledge of that possibility will prevent the actual psychology. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I keep denying a certain mistake I often make in judgement, but in mid-sentence while talking to a friend I realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that my arguement was complete bullshit. I also realized I had awfulized my own emotional state to the point where I was unaware of my true feelings/motivations.
Big sigh of relief here. Both of the situations that were bringing me down Sunday night have been resolved. One by self-realization (the best resolution if you ask me), and the other by making the firm decision that I'm no longer fond of Andy or his treatment of me. He knows jack shit about me and yet he's frequently telling me how tired he is of "people like me" or how "no one cares" what I have to add to the conversation. Fine. I won't contribute any longer to his one sided conversation or to his bullshit faux-inflated EGO.
This entry is going to be public, and although I'm about 90% sure he'll never read this -I really hope he does. Then again, if I had any reason at all to think he's ever given thought to who I am, maybe I wouldn't feel so justified in writing him off.
I'm having a good day. I'm also through with the bullshit. I'll just hang out on Saturdays or something. I'm sure my absence will be a welcome addition to someone's Sunday night.
I'm trying to not to seem too Bi-polar here, but yesterday I was so unhappy. I was depressed for many reasons, weird situations have been abounding. Dave finally spoke to me again, I'm not sure how to feel about that, and my parents have been fighting alot lately.
All of these things just served to make me feel a bit on edge when I went to family dinner last night. When Andy came in and acted like I wasn't even there, I was in a really bad mood. I don't believe I did anything to offend him. Maybe I just won't attend sunday dinners for a while. It's just not enjoyable when I have to constantly deal with someone who can't seem to settle on a personality. Being mocked and belittled is one thing I endure for the sake of family relations, but being made to feel like I'm not welcome on top of it? I don't even know why I let him treat me like this. We are not children on a playground.
ANYWAY... Today I'm feeling pretty good. I came to some realizations last night that I'm really proud of. Usually I'm aware of what kind of screwed up things can go on in my head, and so I often assume that the knowledge of that possibility will prevent the actual psychology. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I keep denying a certain mistake I often make in judgement, but in mid-sentence while talking to a friend I realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that my arguement was complete bullshit. I also realized I had awfulized my own emotional state to the point where I was unaware of my true feelings/motivations.
Big sigh of relief here. Both of the situations that were bringing me down Sunday night have been resolved. One by self-realization (the best resolution if you ask me), and the other by making the firm decision that I'm no longer fond of Andy or his treatment of me. He knows jack shit about me and yet he's frequently telling me how tired he is of "people like me" or how "no one cares" what I have to add to the conversation. Fine. I won't contribute any longer to his one sided conversation or to his bullshit faux-inflated EGO.
This entry is going to be public, and although I'm about 90% sure he'll never read this -I really hope he does. Then again, if I had any reason at all to think he's ever given thought to who I am, maybe I wouldn't feel so justified in writing him off.
I'm having a good day. I'm also through with the bullshit. I'll just hang out on Saturdays or something. I'm sure my absence will be a welcome addition to someone's Sunday night.